Fic: Box of Emotions
Title: Box of Emotions 1/2
Author: awkward_as_heck
Character: Fukami Retsu from Jyuken Sentai Gekiranger
Word Count: 3845
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After Retsu has an argument with his brother he sits in a bar and muses
Warnings: Angst
Disclamier: I don't own Sentai.
A/N: First five prompts from table two from 10_themes
Box of Emotions.
Prompt One: Greed
If one would attribute Fukami Retsu to anything, a single defining trait then standoffish would often be the first thing that sprung to mind. Aloof yes, pretty yes, just masculine enough to catch the approving looks of many young women, yes. Easy to get along with? A resounding no. Despite this one word that could never describe him was greedy.
Greedy was not a word Retsu liked, it described his overbearing agent, Kurojishi Rio, Jan and Ken whenever menchikatsu was present and his brother who was intent on gobbling up all Retsu’s attention.
Gou could be a master of the guilt trip when it suited him, coaxing his brother to the communal kitchen when all he wanted to do was read, dragging him out on trips through the forest or to random ramen carts. It was Gou’s way of reaching out, he wasn’t one for the big sit down and talk stuff, too girly. Men should be manly and do manly things like have a convoluted heart to heart over ramen.
And apparently not storm off in the middle of an argument but Retsu had been his own person for a good few years now and could pick and choose what dented his self-esteem and pride.
As such drinking cheap whiskey alone in a dingy bar didn’t even register on the scale of self-esteem. So what he was drinking alone? If he could handle dinner alone in a well lit restaurant in front of strangers then nursing a double in a dimly lit joint was a sitch.
Gou had accused him of being a greedy spoilt child earlier, he didn’t think it was true and it was probably something Gou had shouted in the heat of the moment but it didn’t fail to hurt, the argument had been a pretty potent one by their standards.
It wasn’t like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too, he full well understood his responsibilities as Geki Blue but up until Gou had returned he had lived a social life of sorts outside of SCRTC hours.
So what if to unwind after a long day he wanted to spend it with vacuous hangers on and annoying sycophants, it wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, apart from rejecting the many and varied propositions he received, these people brought his paintings, commissioned portraits. Few artists made it rich in this day and age, he couldn’t afford not to capitalise on his popularity now especially since he wasn’t doing galleries at the moment. Private commissions were his ticket to a large mortgage deposit on a nice house complete with room to swing a cat, was it greedy to want a stable future? He didn’t want to live out his life in a place that was so efficient you could cook ramen on the stove whilst still in bed.
It wasn’t like he was that immersed in the Tokyo social scene either, if he was he wouldn’t have time to breathe, let alone battle the effeminate forces of evil.
He signalled to the bartender for another pushing some change across the bartop. He wasn’t greedy, he was just trying to make his way. With his tumbler in front of him he placed his hands under his chin and mooched. Rebuilding his relationship with Gou was not going well and he doubted there were any handbooks entitled ‘How to rebuild your relationship with your emotionally complex, lone wolf of a brother who had been missing for fifteen years, presumed dead’.
Gou’s tendency to demand Retsu’s attention when he wanted it was frustrating, like he expected Retsu to drop everything and run to him like the six year old he had been when Gou had disappeared. Gou could be greedy sometimes.
Maybe he was selfish and needed to make more of an adjustment to Gou, it wasn’t like he hated him, but sometimes Gou forgot that he was dealing with his little brother all grown up and not a polite stranger whom he happened to work with. It wasn’t like he didn’t have emotions despite Ken joking one evening that Retsu was an emotionless robot and it still was 1992. The implications were clear and Retsu couldn’t help but think that from the look in Gou’s eyes for a second he wished it was true.
Sod that, he could do emotions and not all of them were gross parodies of feelings like his attempt at lust.
Prompt Two: Lust.
Next to Retsu’s drink sat a cheap black mobile phone, it had about eight hundred yen worth of airtime on it and one unanswered text message. It was a single word that from experience he knew meant a whole lot more.
‘Yo’ was all it said, he checked the sender to make sure it wasn’t a bizarre fluke before replying an equally articulate ‘Sup?’
He had traded his electric blue jacket for black one, less stand out and debated on whether to stop off for some ramen later. He probably should, especially after drinking, have something to absorb the alcohol and give the power bar he ate at lunch time some company. It would also ease tomorrows hangover, heck provided he sunk some water between now and going to bed he would be right as rain after a slice or two of toast.
Relationships were like take out food, sometimes good, sometimes bad but if you go to the same place enough you learn what to expect and the best way to spend your hard earned cash.
Retsu had been through three and a half casual relationships since he turned seventeen and held his first gallery. The first was with a middle class ‘heiress’ where it was mutual arm candy, getting into the right parties, that sort of thing, they liked each other enough to share a few snogs and get a bit handsy but nothing beyond that. His second followed much the same pattern but with more hands. His third clothing was removed but then it turned out she was using him to make another guy jealous.
His half a relationship started soon after, a cute translator who travelled with him when he visited London for a show. She was all smiles and cuteness and took him to a proper chippy not that nambie pamby stuff you get in restaurants, proper greasy British chips. And whilst it wasn’t love having the veneer of emotional closeness even for a short time would often be the emotional boost he needed.
So yeah, an attempt at lust. The burning passion that supposedly went with that kind of relationship was merely like a trickle of warm tea. It was nice in its own way. They would go to a restaurant, order one meal and share not because it was romantic but because they were both cheap and often not that hungry. They even went to a movie once, ignored each other the whole way through, then fell into bed.
Perhaps unlike the often fast burning candle of a lustful relationship the secret to their continued liaisons lied in the fact they rarely had time to see each other and they were emotionally unavailable to each other. Sure they could make each other gasp and moan, make pretty little doe eyes and non-awkward small -talk pre and post coitol, heck they’d even stay the night sometimes, at the end it would be a hug, a quick snog and grope until the next time.
He chuckled to himself, the sound lost in the surrounding din, it wasn’t like the relationship could even be classed as friends with benefits as they didn’t even spend time together socially. He has his own friends and hangers on, she had her crowd. They didn’t cross in the middle.
So half a casual relationship, as they meet, they chat, they copulate. Simple as. He liked her, but couldn’t tell you when her birthday was or if her parents were still alive. They didn’t even discuss their problems, despite the emotional crutch they provided each other with. Maybe it was a way of not dealing and Retsu would often debate whether or not that was healthy. Probably not but he dealt with stuff in his own way and he assumed she did as well. She would carefully ignore bruises and bandages, he pretended not to notice how much her cheeks had hollowed or how exhausted she looked. It would break the equilibrium.
The system worked, emotional support without the involvement, a moment in from the cold. In some ways it was enviable. But that had its own issues.
Prompt Three: Envy.
To some people Retsu had quite an enviable position, sex without strings, a job fighting evil and a reasonable income, not that he told anyone about the first part. Miki suspected, she had this indeterminable instinct and would get this ‘Oh if I was twenty years younger and didn’t have unresolved sexual tension with your brother I would jump your bones harder and faster than anything you’ve had before’ look in her eye.
Jan envied him and his brother, to have proper family closeness but it wasn’t there. Retsu was envious of Gou, he got the attention, was always asked how he was, if he was okay. The emotional impact on him had been largely ignored, people around him assumed he was overjoyed with the return of his brother.
He was happy, sure. Annoyed, jealous, frustrated, betrayed as well. Fifteen years of abandonment didn’t just go away. He’d been picked on during school, spent his childhood in a vicarage raised by his mother’s sister, a repressed nun who died when he was fifteen, the vicar soon moved on and the church closed. With no legal guardian and no-one to support him Retsu was sent to an orphanage, started selling paintings and graduated high school.
He had grieved a long time over Gou, seeing him living, breathing again was heartbreaking.
Let alone his determination to remove Retsu from the Gekirangers. That cut deep and opened a lot of old wounds. Sure he accepted Retsu now but Gou’s initial inability to even consider the possibility that he could have the skill and determination to do battle with the Rin Jyu Den shattered a few of his childhood perceptions.
When he was little he had a lot to envy his older brother for, he was tall, strong, smart and fearless. He always used to tell stories of how he attracted all these pretty girls. He wanted to grow up and be fearless and strong, tall and smart. He had filled two of them, tall enough to stand out from the crowd and smart enough to get into a good university, he planned to start when the battle was over. He didn’t want to be fearless, it wasn’t healthy, made people reckless. And strong, well where strength failed technique won through, brains over brawn and all that.
Now whilst he admired his brother for his strength and his skills as Geki Violet but not as a brother, this Gou was completely different to the identical looking one in his childhood memories. He seemed far more bitter now, harsher and at times uncaring. But then again how would anyone react to finding their brother, eighteen years their junior suddenly looking them in the eye without the help of a chair.
Guilty for a start.
Retsu hadn’t exactly helped, but take one emotionally unavailable young man and put him next to a self sufficient lone wolf and no one would expect them to get that far.
He envied Ran and Ken sometimes. Ran wasn’t the jealous type, if someone was better than her she would work harder and beat them hands down. Ken was both confident and laid back, he’d much rather people were jealous of him.
He sipped his drink and looked to his phone. No reply. That wasn’t unusual. The night was still young.
Gou might envy him, it suddenly occurred to him. He had built a whole life without him and now Gou had to deal with suddenly having a grown up brother who had gone against his wishes, built a life of his own. That couldn’t be easy. Maybe he needed a new approach, to connect on something that didn’t involve Jyu Ken, they were brothers, there had to be something that could help piece their relationship back together.
Was there anything to piece back together though? Maybe that was the problem. There was nothing that could bring them together from their previous relationship where Gou was in the parental role. They couldn’t try and fit those roles again, Retsu was a grown up and there was barely three years between them, what with Gou not aging. Maybe they needed to start right from the beginning and work out what they want from each other and gradually rebuild the trust and love they used to share as siblings.
But there was fear in the mix as well and Retsu was pretty sure Gou was stilling coming to terms with the fact that this is all real and he really had abandoned his brother for fifteen years.
Prompt Four: Fear.
Fear was a strange thing, Retsu mused, looking to one of the patrons a few stools away, tilting his pint glass high enough to encourage every last drop of alcohol out. Quickly he ordered another before staring into the amber liquid like it held all the answers.
He turned back to his drink wondering if an epiphany swam between the ice cubes in his glass. Probably not but he could pretend. Then again maybe he shouldn’t, it wouldn’t end well and he damn well didn’t want to be another washed up artist before the age of thirty.
That was a big fear, the high life tended to have many casualties, he’d seen a contemporary fall to pieces and a few people he respected collapse from the pressure and the alcohol.
He feared humiliation and failure, letting down his teammates and his brother. That one was always in the back of his head, the opponents were getting stronger, the time shorter and the need to progress greater. Most of the time he slept ate and breathed Jyu Ken, but he felt like the Red Queen in Through the looking glass, always running in place, as just when they thought they were in reach of the upper hand Rio and Mele came up with something new. Long was also a dangerous threat of unknown proportions. How much further could he push himself before he broke?
Loneliness was also a niggle in the back of his head. When he had moved to the orphanage a few months before his seventeenth birthday a social worker with bright white teeth had sat him down and asked him loads of questions. He didn’t know exactly what she had scribbled down but he was fairly sure ‘maladjusted’ was in there somewhere. It reflected in his lack of a social circle back then. He had a few friends outside of SCRTC these days but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to share his deepest hopes, fears and dreams with anybody.
One of his biggest though was Gou abandoning him again.
It was silly, really, he was a grown man but having living, breathing family again was a gift, someone who would always be in your corner and the thought of Gou disappearing in the big wide world again terrified him beyond reason. For all their arguments and difficulties it would crush him to watch his brother walk into the distance and not look back, especially since this time he was not a mindless wolf but a supposedly rational human.
It was cold comfort really, to know that Gou didn’t wilfully abandon him the first time, despite his doubt over whether he’d survive his fateful fight with Rio all those years ago.
Gou always impressed him with his bravado, no opponent to big or powerful for him to attempt, no obstacle too difficult. He often worried that it would lead to Gou’s downfall when he bit off more than he could chew.
He was sure of his brother’s ability, anyone who saw him could see how powerful and skilled he was, there was no doubt about it. But he didn’t have the same level of raw talent as Rio or Jan for that matter. Like himself, Gou’s skill showed in his perseverance, always coming back for more, training harder, getting back up again.
Maybe there wasn’t as much to fear, after all that had been thrown at them over the course of the year, they had triumphed time and again.
But at what cost to themselves?
He had more scars than he cared to count, he was tired, stressed, full of aches and pains. Evenings were often spent with either a cold compress or a heated blanket trying to relive stiff muscles and limbs stretched to their limits.
And what for?
He was a hero sure, but how would he cope when everything was over? When the battle was over whatever the outcome? Would he live with disappointment or accomplishment? Would he resent normal life and seek the thrill of battle to remember past glories? Would he ever be normal again?
He had his brother and he had his comrades, so he wouldn’t have to be alone but how long would they be together before they went their separate ways? That was the most difficult thing, sometimes, to let himself care. He was scared of being abandoned again, scared if he dared to love the people around him they would leave. After all the heartache of his formative years, being left alone in the world, would he be able to care and love the people close to him or would his cool, armored exterior push everyone away?
Prompt Five: Love.
Love was a funny thing, Retsu was sure of that and love came in many different forms, the love of family, friends and things. How love was supposed to feel though, Retsu wasn’t exactly sure.
Attachment to objects was something Retsu was familiar with, he liked his material things, clothes, books, his television. His spent an inordinate amount on paint brushes, getting ones with the finest fibres of the highest quality, then the canvass and paints carefully selected from a independent crafts shop tucked away down a back street of Tokyo.
Painting was a labour, not of love but patience and vision, put together through precise brushstrokes after careful consideration. People claimed to love his works and he’d hum in ascent and smile or make some comment on the subject, he didn’t really understand what it was to love his art, to him it was an idea made real.
Parents were a no go area. He didn’t even remember them, he was barely three years old when they passed away and Gou never talked about them. He wasn’t even sure if there were any pictures, Gou certainly had never displayed any around the church and his Aunt didn’t broach the subject and if Retsu brought it up she would avoid the question. Whilst he liked the idea of parents and sometimes admitted to a little jealously when other people spoke about theirs he didn’t actively seek someone to fill the paternal or maternal role and he didn’t love his parents, how could you love someone you can’t remember?
He remembered a conversation with a peer in science class during high school. It was normal until Retsu was asked about what his parents did, then what happened to them then asked ‘Well don’t you miss them?’
He had thought about it for the moment and responded ‘No’
He peer had looked at him horrified, told him ‘Dude, that’s cold’
But all Retsu could think was how you couldn’t miss what you had never had.
But maybe that was cold, over the years he had never been one for angry outbursts, didn’t tend to rise to heckles from bullies. He did cry sometimes but always saved his tears for when he could escape to the bathroom or his bed. He tried never to show weakness in front of others. But wasn’t that just hiding? By admitting sometimes that you need help it brings you closer to people who accept you.
It was hard though, by letting people close it opened you up to being hurt through betrayal, death any number of things that forced people apart, willingly or not. Despite how lonely it was sometimes it was hard to let people in, could he willingly leave himself open for that kind of hurt?
He was used to his own company, his own thoughts and feelings, doing what he wanted when he wanted, sure he worked for SCRTC and had his commitments as an artist but that was his choice as was Geki Jyu Ken, he didn’t have to do it, no-one had forced his intense training schedule on him. He accepted the injuries and the trials but if one day he stopped finding satisfaction in it there was nothing to stop him quitting.
Though for now he wouldn’t want to give up, his sense of justice wouldn’t allow it and he couldn’t let his comrades down. If Gou had forced him out he didn’t know what he would have done, to be forced to sit on the sidelines whilst they saved the world. He did not want to be viewed as weak.
His comrades were a source of confusion to him, he did not understand how they could live their lives as they did, especially Jan, he had seen things Retsu didn’t even want to imagine. Yet Jan was cheerful and happy, some would even say better adjusted than he, once you got past the jumping, yelling, bad table manners and own language.
As for Ran, she was the most normal of them he could understand that but her intense belief in heart, he was often cynical about that, there had to be a point that there was no more effort you could put in, no more passion from which to draw upon.
Ken bugged him, but he didn’t claim to particularly like him, especially after he nearly used his gold card to buy back Sou Jyu Tou. He would have done it, but it was the principle of the whole thing. Plus he wasn’t sure Ken would ever get round to paying him back, not because he was malicious but because he would forget.
And Gou. He used to love his brother, he was everything to him when he was little. Now there was apathy, it made Retsu guilty that he should defrost his exterior and let his brother back in but Gou’s attempts had a tendency to put him off, his cynicism over Gou’s sincerity made him step back too much. And he hated him a little for that, because Gou had left him alone and made him question peoples motives and stopped him from getting close to those who might want to get close to him.
Author: awkward_as_heck
Character: Fukami Retsu from Jyuken Sentai Gekiranger
Word Count: 3845
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After Retsu has an argument with his brother he sits in a bar and muses
Warnings: Angst
Disclamier: I don't own Sentai.
A/N: First five prompts from table two from 10_themes
Box of Emotions.
Prompt One: Greed
If one would attribute Fukami Retsu to anything, a single defining trait then standoffish would often be the first thing that sprung to mind. Aloof yes, pretty yes, just masculine enough to catch the approving looks of many young women, yes. Easy to get along with? A resounding no. Despite this one word that could never describe him was greedy.
Greedy was not a word Retsu liked, it described his overbearing agent, Kurojishi Rio, Jan and Ken whenever menchikatsu was present and his brother who was intent on gobbling up all Retsu’s attention.
Gou could be a master of the guilt trip when it suited him, coaxing his brother to the communal kitchen when all he wanted to do was read, dragging him out on trips through the forest or to random ramen carts. It was Gou’s way of reaching out, he wasn’t one for the big sit down and talk stuff, too girly. Men should be manly and do manly things like have a convoluted heart to heart over ramen.
And apparently not storm off in the middle of an argument but Retsu had been his own person for a good few years now and could pick and choose what dented his self-esteem and pride.
As such drinking cheap whiskey alone in a dingy bar didn’t even register on the scale of self-esteem. So what he was drinking alone? If he could handle dinner alone in a well lit restaurant in front of strangers then nursing a double in a dimly lit joint was a sitch.
Gou had accused him of being a greedy spoilt child earlier, he didn’t think it was true and it was probably something Gou had shouted in the heat of the moment but it didn’t fail to hurt, the argument had been a pretty potent one by their standards.
It wasn’t like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too, he full well understood his responsibilities as Geki Blue but up until Gou had returned he had lived a social life of sorts outside of SCRTC hours.
So what if to unwind after a long day he wanted to spend it with vacuous hangers on and annoying sycophants, it wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, apart from rejecting the many and varied propositions he received, these people brought his paintings, commissioned portraits. Few artists made it rich in this day and age, he couldn’t afford not to capitalise on his popularity now especially since he wasn’t doing galleries at the moment. Private commissions were his ticket to a large mortgage deposit on a nice house complete with room to swing a cat, was it greedy to want a stable future? He didn’t want to live out his life in a place that was so efficient you could cook ramen on the stove whilst still in bed.
It wasn’t like he was that immersed in the Tokyo social scene either, if he was he wouldn’t have time to breathe, let alone battle the effeminate forces of evil.
He signalled to the bartender for another pushing some change across the bartop. He wasn’t greedy, he was just trying to make his way. With his tumbler in front of him he placed his hands under his chin and mooched. Rebuilding his relationship with Gou was not going well and he doubted there were any handbooks entitled ‘How to rebuild your relationship with your emotionally complex, lone wolf of a brother who had been missing for fifteen years, presumed dead’.
Gou’s tendency to demand Retsu’s attention when he wanted it was frustrating, like he expected Retsu to drop everything and run to him like the six year old he had been when Gou had disappeared. Gou could be greedy sometimes.
Maybe he was selfish and needed to make more of an adjustment to Gou, it wasn’t like he hated him, but sometimes Gou forgot that he was dealing with his little brother all grown up and not a polite stranger whom he happened to work with. It wasn’t like he didn’t have emotions despite Ken joking one evening that Retsu was an emotionless robot and it still was 1992. The implications were clear and Retsu couldn’t help but think that from the look in Gou’s eyes for a second he wished it was true.
Sod that, he could do emotions and not all of them were gross parodies of feelings like his attempt at lust.
Prompt Two: Lust.
Next to Retsu’s drink sat a cheap black mobile phone, it had about eight hundred yen worth of airtime on it and one unanswered text message. It was a single word that from experience he knew meant a whole lot more.
‘Yo’ was all it said, he checked the sender to make sure it wasn’t a bizarre fluke before replying an equally articulate ‘Sup?’
He had traded his electric blue jacket for black one, less stand out and debated on whether to stop off for some ramen later. He probably should, especially after drinking, have something to absorb the alcohol and give the power bar he ate at lunch time some company. It would also ease tomorrows hangover, heck provided he sunk some water between now and going to bed he would be right as rain after a slice or two of toast.
Relationships were like take out food, sometimes good, sometimes bad but if you go to the same place enough you learn what to expect and the best way to spend your hard earned cash.
Retsu had been through three and a half casual relationships since he turned seventeen and held his first gallery. The first was with a middle class ‘heiress’ where it was mutual arm candy, getting into the right parties, that sort of thing, they liked each other enough to share a few snogs and get a bit handsy but nothing beyond that. His second followed much the same pattern but with more hands. His third clothing was removed but then it turned out she was using him to make another guy jealous.
His half a relationship started soon after, a cute translator who travelled with him when he visited London for a show. She was all smiles and cuteness and took him to a proper chippy not that nambie pamby stuff you get in restaurants, proper greasy British chips. And whilst it wasn’t love having the veneer of emotional closeness even for a short time would often be the emotional boost he needed.
So yeah, an attempt at lust. The burning passion that supposedly went with that kind of relationship was merely like a trickle of warm tea. It was nice in its own way. They would go to a restaurant, order one meal and share not because it was romantic but because they were both cheap and often not that hungry. They even went to a movie once, ignored each other the whole way through, then fell into bed.
Perhaps unlike the often fast burning candle of a lustful relationship the secret to their continued liaisons lied in the fact they rarely had time to see each other and they were emotionally unavailable to each other. Sure they could make each other gasp and moan, make pretty little doe eyes and non-awkward small -talk pre and post coitol, heck they’d even stay the night sometimes, at the end it would be a hug, a quick snog and grope until the next time.
He chuckled to himself, the sound lost in the surrounding din, it wasn’t like the relationship could even be classed as friends with benefits as they didn’t even spend time together socially. He has his own friends and hangers on, she had her crowd. They didn’t cross in the middle.
So half a casual relationship, as they meet, they chat, they copulate. Simple as. He liked her, but couldn’t tell you when her birthday was or if her parents were still alive. They didn’t even discuss their problems, despite the emotional crutch they provided each other with. Maybe it was a way of not dealing and Retsu would often debate whether or not that was healthy. Probably not but he dealt with stuff in his own way and he assumed she did as well. She would carefully ignore bruises and bandages, he pretended not to notice how much her cheeks had hollowed or how exhausted she looked. It would break the equilibrium.
The system worked, emotional support without the involvement, a moment in from the cold. In some ways it was enviable. But that had its own issues.
Prompt Three: Envy.
To some people Retsu had quite an enviable position, sex without strings, a job fighting evil and a reasonable income, not that he told anyone about the first part. Miki suspected, she had this indeterminable instinct and would get this ‘Oh if I was twenty years younger and didn’t have unresolved sexual tension with your brother I would jump your bones harder and faster than anything you’ve had before’ look in her eye.
Jan envied him and his brother, to have proper family closeness but it wasn’t there. Retsu was envious of Gou, he got the attention, was always asked how he was, if he was okay. The emotional impact on him had been largely ignored, people around him assumed he was overjoyed with the return of his brother.
He was happy, sure. Annoyed, jealous, frustrated, betrayed as well. Fifteen years of abandonment didn’t just go away. He’d been picked on during school, spent his childhood in a vicarage raised by his mother’s sister, a repressed nun who died when he was fifteen, the vicar soon moved on and the church closed. With no legal guardian and no-one to support him Retsu was sent to an orphanage, started selling paintings and graduated high school.
He had grieved a long time over Gou, seeing him living, breathing again was heartbreaking.
Let alone his determination to remove Retsu from the Gekirangers. That cut deep and opened a lot of old wounds. Sure he accepted Retsu now but Gou’s initial inability to even consider the possibility that he could have the skill and determination to do battle with the Rin Jyu Den shattered a few of his childhood perceptions.
When he was little he had a lot to envy his older brother for, he was tall, strong, smart and fearless. He always used to tell stories of how he attracted all these pretty girls. He wanted to grow up and be fearless and strong, tall and smart. He had filled two of them, tall enough to stand out from the crowd and smart enough to get into a good university, he planned to start when the battle was over. He didn’t want to be fearless, it wasn’t healthy, made people reckless. And strong, well where strength failed technique won through, brains over brawn and all that.
Now whilst he admired his brother for his strength and his skills as Geki Violet but not as a brother, this Gou was completely different to the identical looking one in his childhood memories. He seemed far more bitter now, harsher and at times uncaring. But then again how would anyone react to finding their brother, eighteen years their junior suddenly looking them in the eye without the help of a chair.
Guilty for a start.
Retsu hadn’t exactly helped, but take one emotionally unavailable young man and put him next to a self sufficient lone wolf and no one would expect them to get that far.
He envied Ran and Ken sometimes. Ran wasn’t the jealous type, if someone was better than her she would work harder and beat them hands down. Ken was both confident and laid back, he’d much rather people were jealous of him.
He sipped his drink and looked to his phone. No reply. That wasn’t unusual. The night was still young.
Gou might envy him, it suddenly occurred to him. He had built a whole life without him and now Gou had to deal with suddenly having a grown up brother who had gone against his wishes, built a life of his own. That couldn’t be easy. Maybe he needed a new approach, to connect on something that didn’t involve Jyu Ken, they were brothers, there had to be something that could help piece their relationship back together.
Was there anything to piece back together though? Maybe that was the problem. There was nothing that could bring them together from their previous relationship where Gou was in the parental role. They couldn’t try and fit those roles again, Retsu was a grown up and there was barely three years between them, what with Gou not aging. Maybe they needed to start right from the beginning and work out what they want from each other and gradually rebuild the trust and love they used to share as siblings.
But there was fear in the mix as well and Retsu was pretty sure Gou was stilling coming to terms with the fact that this is all real and he really had abandoned his brother for fifteen years.
Prompt Four: Fear.
Fear was a strange thing, Retsu mused, looking to one of the patrons a few stools away, tilting his pint glass high enough to encourage every last drop of alcohol out. Quickly he ordered another before staring into the amber liquid like it held all the answers.
He turned back to his drink wondering if an epiphany swam between the ice cubes in his glass. Probably not but he could pretend. Then again maybe he shouldn’t, it wouldn’t end well and he damn well didn’t want to be another washed up artist before the age of thirty.
That was a big fear, the high life tended to have many casualties, he’d seen a contemporary fall to pieces and a few people he respected collapse from the pressure and the alcohol.
He feared humiliation and failure, letting down his teammates and his brother. That one was always in the back of his head, the opponents were getting stronger, the time shorter and the need to progress greater. Most of the time he slept ate and breathed Jyu Ken, but he felt like the Red Queen in Through the looking glass, always running in place, as just when they thought they were in reach of the upper hand Rio and Mele came up with something new. Long was also a dangerous threat of unknown proportions. How much further could he push himself before he broke?
Loneliness was also a niggle in the back of his head. When he had moved to the orphanage a few months before his seventeenth birthday a social worker with bright white teeth had sat him down and asked him loads of questions. He didn’t know exactly what she had scribbled down but he was fairly sure ‘maladjusted’ was in there somewhere. It reflected in his lack of a social circle back then. He had a few friends outside of SCRTC these days but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to share his deepest hopes, fears and dreams with anybody.
One of his biggest though was Gou abandoning him again.
It was silly, really, he was a grown man but having living, breathing family again was a gift, someone who would always be in your corner and the thought of Gou disappearing in the big wide world again terrified him beyond reason. For all their arguments and difficulties it would crush him to watch his brother walk into the distance and not look back, especially since this time he was not a mindless wolf but a supposedly rational human.
It was cold comfort really, to know that Gou didn’t wilfully abandon him the first time, despite his doubt over whether he’d survive his fateful fight with Rio all those years ago.
Gou always impressed him with his bravado, no opponent to big or powerful for him to attempt, no obstacle too difficult. He often worried that it would lead to Gou’s downfall when he bit off more than he could chew.
He was sure of his brother’s ability, anyone who saw him could see how powerful and skilled he was, there was no doubt about it. But he didn’t have the same level of raw talent as Rio or Jan for that matter. Like himself, Gou’s skill showed in his perseverance, always coming back for more, training harder, getting back up again.
Maybe there wasn’t as much to fear, after all that had been thrown at them over the course of the year, they had triumphed time and again.
But at what cost to themselves?
He had more scars than he cared to count, he was tired, stressed, full of aches and pains. Evenings were often spent with either a cold compress or a heated blanket trying to relive stiff muscles and limbs stretched to their limits.
And what for?
He was a hero sure, but how would he cope when everything was over? When the battle was over whatever the outcome? Would he live with disappointment or accomplishment? Would he resent normal life and seek the thrill of battle to remember past glories? Would he ever be normal again?
He had his brother and he had his comrades, so he wouldn’t have to be alone but how long would they be together before they went their separate ways? That was the most difficult thing, sometimes, to let himself care. He was scared of being abandoned again, scared if he dared to love the people around him they would leave. After all the heartache of his formative years, being left alone in the world, would he be able to care and love the people close to him or would his cool, armored exterior push everyone away?
Prompt Five: Love.
Love was a funny thing, Retsu was sure of that and love came in many different forms, the love of family, friends and things. How love was supposed to feel though, Retsu wasn’t exactly sure.
Attachment to objects was something Retsu was familiar with, he liked his material things, clothes, books, his television. His spent an inordinate amount on paint brushes, getting ones with the finest fibres of the highest quality, then the canvass and paints carefully selected from a independent crafts shop tucked away down a back street of Tokyo.
Painting was a labour, not of love but patience and vision, put together through precise brushstrokes after careful consideration. People claimed to love his works and he’d hum in ascent and smile or make some comment on the subject, he didn’t really understand what it was to love his art, to him it was an idea made real.
Parents were a no go area. He didn’t even remember them, he was barely three years old when they passed away and Gou never talked about them. He wasn’t even sure if there were any pictures, Gou certainly had never displayed any around the church and his Aunt didn’t broach the subject and if Retsu brought it up she would avoid the question. Whilst he liked the idea of parents and sometimes admitted to a little jealously when other people spoke about theirs he didn’t actively seek someone to fill the paternal or maternal role and he didn’t love his parents, how could you love someone you can’t remember?
He remembered a conversation with a peer in science class during high school. It was normal until Retsu was asked about what his parents did, then what happened to them then asked ‘Well don’t you miss them?’
He had thought about it for the moment and responded ‘No’
He peer had looked at him horrified, told him ‘Dude, that’s cold’
But all Retsu could think was how you couldn’t miss what you had never had.
But maybe that was cold, over the years he had never been one for angry outbursts, didn’t tend to rise to heckles from bullies. He did cry sometimes but always saved his tears for when he could escape to the bathroom or his bed. He tried never to show weakness in front of others. But wasn’t that just hiding? By admitting sometimes that you need help it brings you closer to people who accept you.
It was hard though, by letting people close it opened you up to being hurt through betrayal, death any number of things that forced people apart, willingly or not. Despite how lonely it was sometimes it was hard to let people in, could he willingly leave himself open for that kind of hurt?
He was used to his own company, his own thoughts and feelings, doing what he wanted when he wanted, sure he worked for SCRTC and had his commitments as an artist but that was his choice as was Geki Jyu Ken, he didn’t have to do it, no-one had forced his intense training schedule on him. He accepted the injuries and the trials but if one day he stopped finding satisfaction in it there was nothing to stop him quitting.
Though for now he wouldn’t want to give up, his sense of justice wouldn’t allow it and he couldn’t let his comrades down. If Gou had forced him out he didn’t know what he would have done, to be forced to sit on the sidelines whilst they saved the world. He did not want to be viewed as weak.
His comrades were a source of confusion to him, he did not understand how they could live their lives as they did, especially Jan, he had seen things Retsu didn’t even want to imagine. Yet Jan was cheerful and happy, some would even say better adjusted than he, once you got past the jumping, yelling, bad table manners and own language.
As for Ran, she was the most normal of them he could understand that but her intense belief in heart, he was often cynical about that, there had to be a point that there was no more effort you could put in, no more passion from which to draw upon.
Ken bugged him, but he didn’t claim to particularly like him, especially after he nearly used his gold card to buy back Sou Jyu Tou. He would have done it, but it was the principle of the whole thing. Plus he wasn’t sure Ken would ever get round to paying him back, not because he was malicious but because he would forget.
And Gou. He used to love his brother, he was everything to him when he was little. Now there was apathy, it made Retsu guilty that he should defrost his exterior and let his brother back in but Gou’s attempts had a tendency to put him off, his cynicism over Gou’s sincerity made him step back too much. And he hated him a little for that, because Gou had left him alone and made him question peoples motives and stopped him from getting close to those who might want to get close to him.