Positive Reviews, Day Two
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
-Herm Albright
Before I start the reviews from today, I did get some responses from the reviews posted yesterday. And I'll post here what they said and my response.
"Thank you for the reviews. I'm sorry about the late reply. I was going to reply to your previous review earlier, but I'm in the middle of finals so my schedule hasn't been great. I have been trying to think of a way that I can change the beginning to make it more original, but so far I haven't gotten a solid idea.
When I originally created the story last year, the story started off with Ichiro losing in the finals of the Johto League Silver Conference and him being depressed over his loss. He leaves behind his pokemon in Johto before he travels to the Hoenn Region where he started his new journey. I feel like I should stick with this idea for my rewrite.
You're right, it is a lot more difficult to make stories with OC's since you have to let the reader know about the character instead of already expecting that they know what he's like. I will admit that I do tend to use dialogue to fill in more spaces than is within reason. That's something that I'm going to have to work on when it comes to all of my future stories.
I checked out your profile and it's obvious from your story stats that you've already established an impressive reputation. I'll be looking forward to reading some of your stories, most likely after finals are over.
I'm not sure what to do with the story at the moment... I'm thinking of rewriting the beginning and continuing from there, but I'll defintely have to take a few things into consideration and not rush into it.
Thanks again for your suggestions. I hope that you have a merry christmas and a happy new year too."
oh yes! that's a great beginning! you should definitely include it. Include the tail end of the battle too- where he starts to realize he's lost it. That would be a fantastic beginning.
i find stepping away from a story for awhile and then coming back to it, helps. that's how i cure most of my writer's blocks. is thinking about something else for awhile.
aw, don't make me blush. :D i've just been on http://www.fanfiction.net for too long is all.
good luck on your finals! I'm actually sad that i don't have those anymore. wish i could be back in school sometimes. maybe i should go back and get my masters... but the loans would kill me. ^^;
anyway, thanks for the response. it wasn't that late. once again i wish you happy holidays!
"Thanks, I'm trying to study as much as I can so I'll do well on them. Happy Holidays to you too!"
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"Thanks for your review of my story "Hate This Place". I had a few questions I'd like your opinion on if you don't mind answering. Would it be better if I took out the song lyrics and just posted a link to them or to the song? Would it be best just to use the songs as inspirations for longer one shots instead of just short songfics? Thanks!"
oh absolutely. i think that's a great idea.
i post a few lines a lyrics at the front of my chapters too so people see where the inspiration comes from. :D but a link to the song works well too.
I discovered that some of the stories I was reviewing had more chapters. Unfortunately I don't have time to give long reviews on every chapter of every story. If I really enjoy the story, I will make a note to return to it in the future. But I can't afford to waste all my energy on one author when there are others out there who need positive reinforcement too.
There isn't enough of me to go around! Oh noes!
Anyways, I did read the second chapter of a few of these next stories because the first chapter was simply a prologue. I don't think a prologue can accurately portray what will happen in the rest of the story. Especially if they are very short. So I made sure to read and review the next chapter. But that's the reason I left two reviews on the same story.
Unfortunately I do take longer with these reviews. I write notes while reading and then uniquely write them their own personal review. I'm not copy and pasting at all, and I refuse to. I don't think it's fair to the authors.
Ice and Change by radiantsilverfire
http://radiantsilverfire.deviantart.com/art/Ice-and-Change-145828208
The title is oddly appropriate. David goes through a very intense and rapid change into a very different being. A ice being. It’s simple but it works.
You have really good description and the overall idea is very intriguing. You can really do a lot with it. Although I don’t typically like anthro- metaphoric stories, some of the ones I have read have been very well written. It’s a popular topic within the pokemon genre. But I personally, never wanted to write one. Probably because of the creepiness factor- the idea of tails or wings sprouting out of you inexplicably. It grossed me out. That’s probably why in Blind Alley, I introduced the concept of Ash changing when taking in Mew’s soul. However it’s not a physical change. He doesn’t turn into a Mew. He doesn’t grow a tail or turn a deeper shade of pink. It’s an internal change. A change of power and a change of knowledge. He becomes something like a pokemon and yet not quite. As his appearance and most of his mental capacity remaining human.
But your story is very much hinged on the physical change. However I do feel that more of a mental change needs to happen within David. He seems to accept everything that happens to him with stride. Not even hesitating to question the fact that his outward appearance has changed or that a strange rock is on his bed. I wanted moments in which David just goes “what the hell is going on?” David should have woken up when the lugia hatched and had a freakin panic attack. I don’t know about you, but I woke up suddenly feeling something in my shirt I wouldn’t think “Oh yeah. It’s the rock, it must have hatched.” I would think “Holy shit there’s something my shirt!!!”
I like how you introduced the conflict of money early on. But after that we get little to no interaction with his human life. What happened to his adopted parents? What about his landlords? You mention this being a small town he lives in but yet no one drops by and asks “David, what the hell happened to you?”
And I think you really need that human interaction. David needs to talk to someone. Maybe he has a roommate. Or maybe he has an adopted brother or sister. How does he react when they see him? Does he try to cover up Fayt’s existence? Or does he run to them asking for help?
And what did the narrator look like before he changed? Was he considered an attractive human? Was he a college bum? Punk? Goth? Did he like to listen to rock music? Was he an artist? How did he make his living? As a store clerk? Dog groomer? Did he work at a toy store? Did he have to cancel his shifts because he was busy taking care of this strange hatchling.
The dream with the parents was a bit strange. The way that it was handled made it sound like David had been abducted and then impregnated. Probably not the best conclusion you wanted me to reach, but that’s what I thought had happened. Maybe if you made David freak out a bit more. Maybe if he tries to get away from them. Or if they don’t say something weird like they did that lead me to believe that they had just... and I hate to say this but- that they had just raped him. Maybe there’s a better way to write this dream so it does seem so... suggestive.
I like how you describe the egg and how it hatched. The name Fayt too sounds like Faith. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but it was very cute. And it tied in well. As she did in a sense become his faith.
But we should get the scene when he comes up with the name. He said he came up with it at the store. We were there in the store with him but we didn’t see him come up with it. Made me think he was lying.
Throughout the first half of the story we are only getting they ate and then they slept and then they ate and then they slept. That’s why I say introduce a roommate or a sibling. Or his parents. Get someone in there to fill in the blanks.
Foreshadowing too, could be used before all this egg stuff goes down. Maybe he thinks back to the day of his adoption while he’s shuffling through the tabloids at the grocery store check out. Maybe it’s the anniversary of his adoption- his birthday. And he’s wondering why he can’t remember what happened before. Maybe he notices some crystals in the window and thinks they look like small eggs hatching. Something that leads into the great change that occurs later.
You foreshadow some with the pokemon cards. But not enough. Maybe he buys some of those cards at the beginning of the story. Maybe that’s how you should start the story- he’s rummaging in his wallet trying to get out the correct change so he can buy the cards.
I wanted Fayt to actually wish to be like David. David still looks moderately human. Maybe when he goes out he should wear dark hoodies or try to dye his hair. If David is all Fayt knows- maybe she wishes she were human. And she despises that she’s not.
I was rather unhappy with the scene with the runaway van. Giant metal deathtrap doesn’t sound like a van to me. Sounds like a inanimate chain chomp rolling down the hill at a high speed. And the whole idea of a van nearly killing David... eh- just not that exciting. After Twilight butchered the whole saving person from crushing van thing- I’d rather like a different scenario.
Maybe David gets mugged. Maybe the man tries to shank David- hurts him and Fayt finds out and tries to kill the man. Maybe she does? That would add conflict. Maybe some people witness his violent murder and that how the SWAT team starts in on them.
Has David ever gone swimming with Fayt. When did he discover she liked water?
I like how he embraces his dragon half. But his reluctance to accept the dragon was great. It seemed very really and very human. I wish he didn’t cave so quickly. He should say hell no a bit longer.
The idea of an empath was great. You explained it well too. I wonder if David could feel emotional pain as well. But we didn’t get much about the dragon society. I wanted to know more. Why did they rely so heavily on him? How did the plague start? How exactly did he break under the pressure? Did his family get sick? Did he get sick- unable to cure them?
The scene where he ripped off his own wings was powerful. But we should have had more. It was so incredibly powerful that I wanted more. He’s ripping on his own freakin’ wings. Talk about traumatizing!
The rest of the story is good. Rescuing Fayt. Deciding to go find the rider or whatnot. The ice wings were a nice touch as well. But I really think you could take this idea and truly expand it into something amazing and touching.
A few nit picky things I noticed. You summarize a bit too much. Try putting more stuff in action. And don’t circle your summary- I mean like don’t over explain things that are rather quite simple.
The opening is a bit vague. It should really capture our intention immediately. Like him struggling to pay for the pokemon cards and finding he’s twenty six cents short. It’s a minor conflict- but we’ll be interested in it. And it will lead into other things.
Try reading your dialogue out loud too. Sometimes it’s a bit too stiff- mostly because the first half of the story David is talking to himself. And don’t push exposition in your dialogue. Try not to make David tell the story for you.
“Gasped in amazement, Scratched head in confusion”- they are kind of redundant statements. He could just gasp. Or just scratch his head. We’ll know that it’s in amazement or confusion. It’s sort of like saying “he cried in sadness”. Just not necessary. If you’re crying we figure you are sad. Unless you are crying for joy- which would work, as crying for joy would be unusual.
Anyway, this is mostly just my opinion. So don’t take it too much to heart. I just offering a helpful suggestions to help add some more depth in the story. As it is right now, it is a nice story. The characters are real. The story is creative and unique. But I think you could add so much more to it. Really make this story shine like a diamond in the rough.
I wish you and your best, happy holidays. And I hope to see more from you in the future!
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Title To Be Changed by Anubis46545
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/1/Title_To_Be_Changed
It kinda bugs me when authors post up stories that don’t have titles yet. You could just post up a makeshift title and put in the author’s note that you haven’t decided yet. As it is right now, it looks kinda lazy and looks bad on you. You need to really sell yourself to your readers and not having a title just kinda lets your potential reader’s down.
You started out the story interesting enough though a better opening could probably be found. Maybe an explanation for her injury. But really- we get barely a few sentences in and you’re done.
Not another one. :(
Why didn’t you write more? I mean you seemed to have something interesting started but this barely works out as a chapter. I’ve only just briefly been introduced to these characters and then... nothing.
It just doesn’t work very well as prologue. It needs to be a bit longer, unfortunately. But I’ll keep reading on and maybe your other chapters will be longer.
I can’t give you much advice yet since you haven’t seem to have written much. But so far, it looks interesting enough. For an OC story at least.
I do hope you have a good holiday season. Keep writing, and I’ll keep reading!
Chapter Two:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/2/Title_To_Be_Changed#
Not sure what the title poll is that you are talking about. It seems like an interesting way to go about giving a story a title. I prefer to name things myself- as if I asked others, they wouldn’t know what was meant to happen in the story and thus couldn’t be as good a judge as myself.
I would try to help you with a title, but this story seems like it would be hard to give a title. As it is so far, nothing stands out to me that’s title worthy. Maybe “Poison” or “Toxic”. I think “Needles” would be good to. I’d read a story titled Needles. :D
I’m a bit confused though. Is Kate a pokemon ranger? I assume she is because she has a stylist. But I thought from the prologue that she was an aspiring pokemon ranger... and why would someone try to kill her? How is she so important that they’d want to kill her. So far you paint pokemon rangers like super heroes rather than the pokemon environmentalists I thought they were. But then again, that one guy in the pokemon movie I didn’t like was pretty much like a super hero, I guess.
You joke about the needles as if this has happened before. It hasn’t in this story but I guess you have other stories of Kate? Is this a sequel? Or a running series you have going about your OC? Is she fighting TR is that why people are out to kill her?
Anyway, I still want to know how she got injured before. And I wish we started with that mission because it would have been nice to see. But I suspect that it was in another story and not this one.
A few nitpicky things I’d like to add. Try not to have scene directions (ie. two hours later) as that’s more for like script writing than it is for stories. You could write out a sentence, And then two hours later... it’s not the best transition but it’s better than a scene direction.
You have strange paragraph breaks where you clump the dialogue together. I wonder if that’s just a stylistic choice or if your word document is messing you up.
Be careful- sometimes your dialogue is a bit stiff. Try to read it out loud and see if you can make it flow more naturally.
And, at the time of the attack, I was confused because I thought Keith was attacking her. You might as well given the stranger a name if you went into his POV. Otherwise, readers might (I say might because it might just be me reading this wrong) attribute the he as being a direction from the previous sentence of Keith acting strange.
If Keith were unconscious, maybe you should have had Kate think he was sleeping.
I laughed at the end with the line “He missed”. Very cute. I hope you keep writing. This wasn’t half bad. I was really interested in the action bit. I just wish I knew what was going on better. Kate and Keith sound like a cute couple and their personalities are done well.
I hope you have a fantastic holiday season. Keep writing. And I hope to see more from you in the future.
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Snowy Day Kiss by Twilight Smash
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559593/1/Snowy_Day_Kiss
Though I’m not a May and Ash fan- this short story was cute. I’m not sure why you opted for the lyric poem type. I guess that made it a bit more unique.
I know this just a short story and it’s just called the Snowy Day Kiss (very cute title by the way)- but it kinda... falls a little short somehow. Probably because it is so short. Maybe if you fleshed it out a bit more- you could really make it stand on its own. Right now it just seems sort of... well short. And unexplained. What lead up to the kiss? Are Ash and May already a couple in this? Where are they? Did the snow come out of nowhere? Is it the holidays?
It’d be nice if we got a bit more to work as foundation. It’s good as it stand right now. I just think it could be better with something more added.
I do hope that you keep writing. Happy holidays! And maybe I’ll see something by you in the future!
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A Golden Sunset by Waveripple of Team Sunrise
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/1/A_Golden_Sunset
I assumed from the title that I’d be reading some kind of tragic romance. But apparently that is not the case and I thank you for that.
Anyway, this little prologue is very interesting. I’m assuming this story will be some sort of follow up of the mystery dungeon games. Always makes a good story. We start off with the promise of a return. It sounds good. I wonder if this Ninetails is the evolved form of Jazz’s partner? And I wonder why she must change forms and join a new team? Is she being reincarnated?
“I do not know.”
Xatu, your fortune-telling powers are surprisingly lame. (Xatu: It is you, who is lame!)
Sorry. Yugioh Abridged quotes just sometimes pop out of me.
Anyway, although short, it looks like this is going to lead to a good story. I wish you inspiration and luck! Keep writing! Have a great holiday season! And I hope to see more from you in the future.
I may start in on the next chapter too- probably to give you a more proper review as of right now I am only staring at the prologue.
Chapter Two:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/2/A_Golden_Sunset
I liked the author’s note. I wish it were part of the story. It was simple but a very good opening. This character of yours seems pretty likable.
I think her reaction to the news of her being adopted was reasonable only if she had just recently had a fight with her parents. It seemed kind of strange. That she hears the news and suddenly decides to run away from home. Typically most adopted children who find out are still grateful to their adoptive parents but are reluctant to accept the birth parents into their life. Just because two people gave birth to you, does not necessarily make them your parents. Parents is more of a job then a birth right. And many people give up the position.
I also found it strange that her parents were talking about her being adopted, seemingly out of nowhere. If they were trying to keep it a secret from her- why would they be talking about it in the middle of the night for no reason? I think it would be more reasonable if she overheard a phone conversation between one of her adopted parents and then someone claiming to be a sibling or her real parents. That is unless she’s the child of a pokemon. In which case, I don’t think they’d pick up the phone and call.
Anyway, just so you know, if you want to make an interactive fiction- you need to be a bit more discreet about it. Unfortunately interactive fictions are no longer allowed on fanfiction.net and you could get suspended or banned for writing them. I know, as I had a story deleted for being a interactive fiction even when I had not been writing one.
I promise I’m not going to report you. But I just thought you should be aware of this fact. You need to be more careful. Do these profiles over an AIM chat or a forum. Right now, you might in trouble for writing it this way.
Anyway, you seem to have a good story here irregardless. I hope you have fun with the interactive part. I always wanted to participate in one of these.
Have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!
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How to say Goodbye by Amberheart123
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560194/1/How_to_say_Goodbye
I love the title. It’s very intriguing. How do you say goodbye? But the real question is, to whom are we saying goodbye? And for how long? Forever? Is death separating them?
Maybe I should read on and find out.
This starts out great. Another mystery dungeon fanfiction, I’m guessing. But the love between the human transformed pokemon and the pokemon is... kinda creepy. I mean I guess I could understand if the pokemon liked her. But... I mean, wouldn’t that be like me falling in love with my dog? Ew. No offense meant. Anthro stories have a tendency not to sit well with me. But that’s just my opinion. Don’t take it personally.
Oh my god. A Twilight reference. Heh. You’re contradicting her, so I’ll forgive you.
“There are no words to describe how I feel about my end.”
But could you find some? I mean this story is really short. It started out so good too. I liked the idea of trying to accept her inevitable death. It’s very real and touching. And this story is How to say Goodbye. But they don’t say goodbye. They don’t even go about a means to. In fact they skip the goodbyes all together.
And... what happened in the battle? I’ve never finished the game so I don’t know. And what pokemon were you? And what pokemon was firestar? These are things that would have been nice to see and know. You have a great idea for a story here, you just needed to write a little longer.
I wish you and your best, a very merry Christmas and a happy new year! Keep writing!
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How me and my OCs almost ruined Chirstmas by The Bookmaster
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561760/1/How_Me_and_My_OCs_Almost_Ruined_Christmas
Aw man. I wrote one of these once. Good times, good times.
But this seems more like an original fiction. It doesn’t seem to have any hint of pokemon in it, except for the reindeer. Maybe you should just change the reindeer back into regular reindeer and make this into an original story rather than a fanfiction. :)
Just a thought.
Hope you have a merry Christmas. And that Santa doesn’t get too mad at you for blowing him up.
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Emerald Eyes by Svay
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559704/1/Emerald_Eyes
The descriptive scenes in this story played out seamlessly. Though the opening was not as catchy as it could be, the story over all is extremely well written and well executed. I could see what was happening as if it were being played out like a film. Very nicely done. I’m impressed!
However, it does seem like this story will take an almost annoyingly similar stance as the first movie. And that kinda disappointed me. Maybe if you could make it... um, a little more different. Play on Alana’s love of flowers. But I really hope Alana doesn’t try the whole destroy the world thing again...
I am a bit conflicted about this though. As I would like Ash to meet the new Mewthree. But I’m not sure if you are even planning to take it that way. It might be good if you didn’t.
Still, I like this story thus far. It’s very intriguing.
The only part I did a double take was this line “...small assets that sprouted from her chest.” Mewthree has breasts?
Anyway, you write beautiful stories! I hope you will keep writing and that I will run into more of your work in the future. Have a very happy holiday season!
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The Life and Times of Wigglytuff by Waveripple of Team Sunrise
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559760/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Wigglytuff
Oh hello again. I guess I’ll be reviewing another of your stories today.
I really do like this idea. Wigglytuff was always a mysterious figure to me in the mystery dungeon games and I wondered where he might have come from. I do like your interpetion even if at first I was shocked that you killed Wigglytuff’s mother. Do we get any indication of a father figure? I think that would be an interesting insight.
I’m confused why the other kid pokemon would not like to hang around Wigglytuff after his mother’s death. Does he whine about his mom a lot? I’m not sure if I’m getting the full story here- as they don’t seem to isolate any of his siblings.
And I’m thinking Wigglytuff is a Jigglypuff at this point but it would have been nice to know about this a bit sooner.
The passage of time is a bit too quick. I’ve lost track and now it seems like they’ve managed to do everything in this chapter in a matter of days. Why would they enter a guild just to graduate from it the next day? It seems a bit strange.
We have more scene directions that can be switched out for dividers. But I think you’d need to add a bit more in explaining the transition. As a simple divider won’t necessarily clear up confusion.
Buneary is easily my favorite character. Mostly just for the line “OMG I’M GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA DIE UNDER A FREAKIN’ LOG!!!” I may have exaggerated a bit but it just made me crack up. Buneary is very fatalistic. I think I may add a fatalistic pokemon into one of my fanfictions. Just freakin’ hilarious.
Maybe I should have an OCD pokemon too. :D MONK~!
Ahem. Anyway, is Kirla a pokemon? I’ve never heard of it but then I’m not really... keeping track of the new pokemon. So I’m probably just not recognizing it.
Milktank appears to be a lot less stingy than Wigglytuff in terms of money. So what made Wigglytuff become such a tightwad? I hope you include that in your story. It would be interesting to find out. Maybe Milktank’s guild goes belly up because they don’t have sufficient funds. And the tragedy of such has made Wigglytuff a tightwad ever since.
There are a few spelling and grammar errors but they aren’t really that distracting. The action sequence is a bit confusing however. Only slightly though. Most of it was clear. Just bits and pieces of it came out unclear.
And of course,
“Wow!” I shout as Milktank sent me flying. “She stronger than I thought!”
I just imagined a Jigglypuff flying through the air over their heads, saying this rather nonchalantly. It brings forth a very funny image and I just can’t help but laugh.
Anyway, I hope you have a very merry holiday. Keep writing. And who knows, I might read another of your stories in the future.
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And again, if you would like me to review your story, just leave a link in your comment and I'll be sure to get started on it before I start down my line up of fanfics.
-Herm Albright
Before I start the reviews from today, I did get some responses from the reviews posted yesterday. And I'll post here what they said and my response.
"Thank you for the reviews. I'm sorry about the late reply. I was going to reply to your previous review earlier, but I'm in the middle of finals so my schedule hasn't been great. I have been trying to think of a way that I can change the beginning to make it more original, but so far I haven't gotten a solid idea.
When I originally created the story last year, the story started off with Ichiro losing in the finals of the Johto League Silver Conference and him being depressed over his loss. He leaves behind his pokemon in Johto before he travels to the Hoenn Region where he started his new journey. I feel like I should stick with this idea for my rewrite.
You're right, it is a lot more difficult to make stories with OC's since you have to let the reader know about the character instead of already expecting that they know what he's like. I will admit that I do tend to use dialogue to fill in more spaces than is within reason. That's something that I'm going to have to work on when it comes to all of my future stories.
I checked out your profile and it's obvious from your story stats that you've already established an impressive reputation. I'll be looking forward to reading some of your stories, most likely after finals are over.
I'm not sure what to do with the story at the moment... I'm thinking of rewriting the beginning and continuing from there, but I'll defintely have to take a few things into consideration and not rush into it.
Thanks again for your suggestions. I hope that you have a merry christmas and a happy new year too."
oh yes! that's a great beginning! you should definitely include it. Include the tail end of the battle too- where he starts to realize he's lost it. That would be a fantastic beginning.
i find stepping away from a story for awhile and then coming back to it, helps. that's how i cure most of my writer's blocks. is thinking about something else for awhile.
aw, don't make me blush. :D i've just been on http://www.fanfiction.net for too long is all.
good luck on your finals! I'm actually sad that i don't have those anymore. wish i could be back in school sometimes. maybe i should go back and get my masters... but the loans would kill me. ^^;
anyway, thanks for the response. it wasn't that late. once again i wish you happy holidays!
"Thanks, I'm trying to study as much as I can so I'll do well on them. Happy Holidays to you too!"
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"Thanks for your review of my story "Hate This Place". I had a few questions I'd like your opinion on if you don't mind answering. Would it be better if I took out the song lyrics and just posted a link to them or to the song? Would it be best just to use the songs as inspirations for longer one shots instead of just short songfics? Thanks!"
oh absolutely. i think that's a great idea.
i post a few lines a lyrics at the front of my chapters too so people see where the inspiration comes from. :D but a link to the song works well too.
I discovered that some of the stories I was reviewing had more chapters. Unfortunately I don't have time to give long reviews on every chapter of every story. If I really enjoy the story, I will make a note to return to it in the future. But I can't afford to waste all my energy on one author when there are others out there who need positive reinforcement too.
There isn't enough of me to go around! Oh noes!
Anyways, I did read the second chapter of a few of these next stories because the first chapter was simply a prologue. I don't think a prologue can accurately portray what will happen in the rest of the story. Especially if they are very short. So I made sure to read and review the next chapter. But that's the reason I left two reviews on the same story.
Unfortunately I do take longer with these reviews. I write notes while reading and then uniquely write them their own personal review. I'm not copy and pasting at all, and I refuse to. I don't think it's fair to the authors.
Ice and Change by radiantsilverfire
http://radiantsilverfire.deviantart.com/art/Ice-and-Change-145828208
The title is oddly appropriate. David goes through a very intense and rapid change into a very different being. A ice being. It’s simple but it works.
You have really good description and the overall idea is very intriguing. You can really do a lot with it. Although I don’t typically like anthro- metaphoric stories, some of the ones I have read have been very well written. It’s a popular topic within the pokemon genre. But I personally, never wanted to write one. Probably because of the creepiness factor- the idea of tails or wings sprouting out of you inexplicably. It grossed me out. That’s probably why in Blind Alley, I introduced the concept of Ash changing when taking in Mew’s soul. However it’s not a physical change. He doesn’t turn into a Mew. He doesn’t grow a tail or turn a deeper shade of pink. It’s an internal change. A change of power and a change of knowledge. He becomes something like a pokemon and yet not quite. As his appearance and most of his mental capacity remaining human.
But your story is very much hinged on the physical change. However I do feel that more of a mental change needs to happen within David. He seems to accept everything that happens to him with stride. Not even hesitating to question the fact that his outward appearance has changed or that a strange rock is on his bed. I wanted moments in which David just goes “what the hell is going on?” David should have woken up when the lugia hatched and had a freakin panic attack. I don’t know about you, but I woke up suddenly feeling something in my shirt I wouldn’t think “Oh yeah. It’s the rock, it must have hatched.” I would think “Holy shit there’s something my shirt!!!”
I like how you introduced the conflict of money early on. But after that we get little to no interaction with his human life. What happened to his adopted parents? What about his landlords? You mention this being a small town he lives in but yet no one drops by and asks “David, what the hell happened to you?”
And I think you really need that human interaction. David needs to talk to someone. Maybe he has a roommate. Or maybe he has an adopted brother or sister. How does he react when they see him? Does he try to cover up Fayt’s existence? Or does he run to them asking for help?
And what did the narrator look like before he changed? Was he considered an attractive human? Was he a college bum? Punk? Goth? Did he like to listen to rock music? Was he an artist? How did he make his living? As a store clerk? Dog groomer? Did he work at a toy store? Did he have to cancel his shifts because he was busy taking care of this strange hatchling.
The dream with the parents was a bit strange. The way that it was handled made it sound like David had been abducted and then impregnated. Probably not the best conclusion you wanted me to reach, but that’s what I thought had happened. Maybe if you made David freak out a bit more. Maybe if he tries to get away from them. Or if they don’t say something weird like they did that lead me to believe that they had just... and I hate to say this but- that they had just raped him. Maybe there’s a better way to write this dream so it does seem so... suggestive.
I like how you describe the egg and how it hatched. The name Fayt too sounds like Faith. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but it was very cute. And it tied in well. As she did in a sense become his faith.
But we should get the scene when he comes up with the name. He said he came up with it at the store. We were there in the store with him but we didn’t see him come up with it. Made me think he was lying.
Throughout the first half of the story we are only getting they ate and then they slept and then they ate and then they slept. That’s why I say introduce a roommate or a sibling. Or his parents. Get someone in there to fill in the blanks.
Foreshadowing too, could be used before all this egg stuff goes down. Maybe he thinks back to the day of his adoption while he’s shuffling through the tabloids at the grocery store check out. Maybe it’s the anniversary of his adoption- his birthday. And he’s wondering why he can’t remember what happened before. Maybe he notices some crystals in the window and thinks they look like small eggs hatching. Something that leads into the great change that occurs later.
You foreshadow some with the pokemon cards. But not enough. Maybe he buys some of those cards at the beginning of the story. Maybe that’s how you should start the story- he’s rummaging in his wallet trying to get out the correct change so he can buy the cards.
I wanted Fayt to actually wish to be like David. David still looks moderately human. Maybe when he goes out he should wear dark hoodies or try to dye his hair. If David is all Fayt knows- maybe she wishes she were human. And she despises that she’s not.
I was rather unhappy with the scene with the runaway van. Giant metal deathtrap doesn’t sound like a van to me. Sounds like a inanimate chain chomp rolling down the hill at a high speed. And the whole idea of a van nearly killing David... eh- just not that exciting. After Twilight butchered the whole saving person from crushing van thing- I’d rather like a different scenario.
Maybe David gets mugged. Maybe the man tries to shank David- hurts him and Fayt finds out and tries to kill the man. Maybe she does? That would add conflict. Maybe some people witness his violent murder and that how the SWAT team starts in on them.
Has David ever gone swimming with Fayt. When did he discover she liked water?
I like how he embraces his dragon half. But his reluctance to accept the dragon was great. It seemed very really and very human. I wish he didn’t cave so quickly. He should say hell no a bit longer.
The idea of an empath was great. You explained it well too. I wonder if David could feel emotional pain as well. But we didn’t get much about the dragon society. I wanted to know more. Why did they rely so heavily on him? How did the plague start? How exactly did he break under the pressure? Did his family get sick? Did he get sick- unable to cure them?
The scene where he ripped off his own wings was powerful. But we should have had more. It was so incredibly powerful that I wanted more. He’s ripping on his own freakin’ wings. Talk about traumatizing!
The rest of the story is good. Rescuing Fayt. Deciding to go find the rider or whatnot. The ice wings were a nice touch as well. But I really think you could take this idea and truly expand it into something amazing and touching.
A few nit picky things I noticed. You summarize a bit too much. Try putting more stuff in action. And don’t circle your summary- I mean like don’t over explain things that are rather quite simple.
The opening is a bit vague. It should really capture our intention immediately. Like him struggling to pay for the pokemon cards and finding he’s twenty six cents short. It’s a minor conflict- but we’ll be interested in it. And it will lead into other things.
Try reading your dialogue out loud too. Sometimes it’s a bit too stiff- mostly because the first half of the story David is talking to himself. And don’t push exposition in your dialogue. Try not to make David tell the story for you.
“Gasped in amazement, Scratched head in confusion”- they are kind of redundant statements. He could just gasp. Or just scratch his head. We’ll know that it’s in amazement or confusion. It’s sort of like saying “he cried in sadness”. Just not necessary. If you’re crying we figure you are sad. Unless you are crying for joy- which would work, as crying for joy would be unusual.
Anyway, this is mostly just my opinion. So don’t take it too much to heart. I just offering a helpful suggestions to help add some more depth in the story. As it is right now, it is a nice story. The characters are real. The story is creative and unique. But I think you could add so much more to it. Really make this story shine like a diamond in the rough.
I wish you and your best, happy holidays. And I hope to see more from you in the future!
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Title To Be Changed by Anubis46545
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/1/Title_To_Be_Changed
It kinda bugs me when authors post up stories that don’t have titles yet. You could just post up a makeshift title and put in the author’s note that you haven’t decided yet. As it is right now, it looks kinda lazy and looks bad on you. You need to really sell yourself to your readers and not having a title just kinda lets your potential reader’s down.
You started out the story interesting enough though a better opening could probably be found. Maybe an explanation for her injury. But really- we get barely a few sentences in and you’re done.
Not another one. :(
Why didn’t you write more? I mean you seemed to have something interesting started but this barely works out as a chapter. I’ve only just briefly been introduced to these characters and then... nothing.
It just doesn’t work very well as prologue. It needs to be a bit longer, unfortunately. But I’ll keep reading on and maybe your other chapters will be longer.
I can’t give you much advice yet since you haven’t seem to have written much. But so far, it looks interesting enough. For an OC story at least.
I do hope you have a good holiday season. Keep writing, and I’ll keep reading!
Chapter Two:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/2/Title_To_Be_Changed#
Not sure what the title poll is that you are talking about. It seems like an interesting way to go about giving a story a title. I prefer to name things myself- as if I asked others, they wouldn’t know what was meant to happen in the story and thus couldn’t be as good a judge as myself.
I would try to help you with a title, but this story seems like it would be hard to give a title. As it is so far, nothing stands out to me that’s title worthy. Maybe “Poison” or “Toxic”. I think “Needles” would be good to. I’d read a story titled Needles. :D
I’m a bit confused though. Is Kate a pokemon ranger? I assume she is because she has a stylist. But I thought from the prologue that she was an aspiring pokemon ranger... and why would someone try to kill her? How is she so important that they’d want to kill her. So far you paint pokemon rangers like super heroes rather than the pokemon environmentalists I thought they were. But then again, that one guy in the pokemon movie I didn’t like was pretty much like a super hero, I guess.
You joke about the needles as if this has happened before. It hasn’t in this story but I guess you have other stories of Kate? Is this a sequel? Or a running series you have going about your OC? Is she fighting TR is that why people are out to kill her?
Anyway, I still want to know how she got injured before. And I wish we started with that mission because it would have been nice to see. But I suspect that it was in another story and not this one.
A few nitpicky things I’d like to add. Try not to have scene directions (ie. two hours later) as that’s more for like script writing than it is for stories. You could write out a sentence, And then two hours later... it’s not the best transition but it’s better than a scene direction.
You have strange paragraph breaks where you clump the dialogue together. I wonder if that’s just a stylistic choice or if your word document is messing you up.
Be careful- sometimes your dialogue is a bit stiff. Try to read it out loud and see if you can make it flow more naturally.
And, at the time of the attack, I was confused because I thought Keith was attacking her. You might as well given the stranger a name if you went into his POV. Otherwise, readers might (I say might because it might just be me reading this wrong) attribute the he as being a direction from the previous sentence of Keith acting strange.
If Keith were unconscious, maybe you should have had Kate think he was sleeping.
I laughed at the end with the line “He missed”. Very cute. I hope you keep writing. This wasn’t half bad. I was really interested in the action bit. I just wish I knew what was going on better. Kate and Keith sound like a cute couple and their personalities are done well.
I hope you have a fantastic holiday season. Keep writing. And I hope to see more from you in the future.
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Snowy Day Kiss by Twilight Smash
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559593/1/Snowy_Day_Kiss
Though I’m not a May and Ash fan- this short story was cute. I’m not sure why you opted for the lyric poem type. I guess that made it a bit more unique.
I know this just a short story and it’s just called the Snowy Day Kiss (very cute title by the way)- but it kinda... falls a little short somehow. Probably because it is so short. Maybe if you fleshed it out a bit more- you could really make it stand on its own. Right now it just seems sort of... well short. And unexplained. What lead up to the kiss? Are Ash and May already a couple in this? Where are they? Did the snow come out of nowhere? Is it the holidays?
It’d be nice if we got a bit more to work as foundation. It’s good as it stand right now. I just think it could be better with something more added.
I do hope that you keep writing. Happy holidays! And maybe I’ll see something by you in the future!
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A Golden Sunset by Waveripple of Team Sunrise
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/1/A_Golden_Sunset
I assumed from the title that I’d be reading some kind of tragic romance. But apparently that is not the case and I thank you for that.
Anyway, this little prologue is very interesting. I’m assuming this story will be some sort of follow up of the mystery dungeon games. Always makes a good story. We start off with the promise of a return. It sounds good. I wonder if this Ninetails is the evolved form of Jazz’s partner? And I wonder why she must change forms and join a new team? Is she being reincarnated?
“I do not know.”
Xatu, your fortune-telling powers are surprisingly lame. (Xatu: It is you, who is lame!)
Sorry. Yugioh Abridged quotes just sometimes pop out of me.
Anyway, although short, it looks like this is going to lead to a good story. I wish you inspiration and luck! Keep writing! Have a great holiday season! And I hope to see more from you in the future.
I may start in on the next chapter too- probably to give you a more proper review as of right now I am only staring at the prologue.
Chapter Two:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/2/A_Golden_Sunset
I liked the author’s note. I wish it were part of the story. It was simple but a very good opening. This character of yours seems pretty likable.
I think her reaction to the news of her being adopted was reasonable only if she had just recently had a fight with her parents. It seemed kind of strange. That she hears the news and suddenly decides to run away from home. Typically most adopted children who find out are still grateful to their adoptive parents but are reluctant to accept the birth parents into their life. Just because two people gave birth to you, does not necessarily make them your parents. Parents is more of a job then a birth right. And many people give up the position.
I also found it strange that her parents were talking about her being adopted, seemingly out of nowhere. If they were trying to keep it a secret from her- why would they be talking about it in the middle of the night for no reason? I think it would be more reasonable if she overheard a phone conversation between one of her adopted parents and then someone claiming to be a sibling or her real parents. That is unless she’s the child of a pokemon. In which case, I don’t think they’d pick up the phone and call.
Anyway, just so you know, if you want to make an interactive fiction- you need to be a bit more discreet about it. Unfortunately interactive fictions are no longer allowed on fanfiction.net and you could get suspended or banned for writing them. I know, as I had a story deleted for being a interactive fiction even when I had not been writing one.
I promise I’m not going to report you. But I just thought you should be aware of this fact. You need to be more careful. Do these profiles over an AIM chat or a forum. Right now, you might in trouble for writing it this way.
Anyway, you seem to have a good story here irregardless. I hope you have fun with the interactive part. I always wanted to participate in one of these.
Have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!
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How to say Goodbye by Amberheart123
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560194/1/How_to_say_Goodbye
I love the title. It’s very intriguing. How do you say goodbye? But the real question is, to whom are we saying goodbye? And for how long? Forever? Is death separating them?
Maybe I should read on and find out.
This starts out great. Another mystery dungeon fanfiction, I’m guessing. But the love between the human transformed pokemon and the pokemon is... kinda creepy. I mean I guess I could understand if the pokemon liked her. But... I mean, wouldn’t that be like me falling in love with my dog? Ew. No offense meant. Anthro stories have a tendency not to sit well with me. But that’s just my opinion. Don’t take it personally.
Oh my god. A Twilight reference. Heh. You’re contradicting her, so I’ll forgive you.
“There are no words to describe how I feel about my end.”
But could you find some? I mean this story is really short. It started out so good too. I liked the idea of trying to accept her inevitable death. It’s very real and touching. And this story is How to say Goodbye. But they don’t say goodbye. They don’t even go about a means to. In fact they skip the goodbyes all together.
And... what happened in the battle? I’ve never finished the game so I don’t know. And what pokemon were you? And what pokemon was firestar? These are things that would have been nice to see and know. You have a great idea for a story here, you just needed to write a little longer.
I wish you and your best, a very merry Christmas and a happy new year! Keep writing!
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How me and my OCs almost ruined Chirstmas by The Bookmaster
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561760/1/How_Me_and_My_OCs_Almost_Ruined_Christmas
Aw man. I wrote one of these once. Good times, good times.
But this seems more like an original fiction. It doesn’t seem to have any hint of pokemon in it, except for the reindeer. Maybe you should just change the reindeer back into regular reindeer and make this into an original story rather than a fanfiction. :)
Just a thought.
Hope you have a merry Christmas. And that Santa doesn’t get too mad at you for blowing him up.
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Emerald Eyes by Svay
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559704/1/Emerald_Eyes
The descriptive scenes in this story played out seamlessly. Though the opening was not as catchy as it could be, the story over all is extremely well written and well executed. I could see what was happening as if it were being played out like a film. Very nicely done. I’m impressed!
However, it does seem like this story will take an almost annoyingly similar stance as the first movie. And that kinda disappointed me. Maybe if you could make it... um, a little more different. Play on Alana’s love of flowers. But I really hope Alana doesn’t try the whole destroy the world thing again...
I am a bit conflicted about this though. As I would like Ash to meet the new Mewthree. But I’m not sure if you are even planning to take it that way. It might be good if you didn’t.
Still, I like this story thus far. It’s very intriguing.
The only part I did a double take was this line “...small assets that sprouted from her chest.” Mewthree has breasts?
Anyway, you write beautiful stories! I hope you will keep writing and that I will run into more of your work in the future. Have a very happy holiday season!
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The Life and Times of Wigglytuff by Waveripple of Team Sunrise
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559760/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Wigglytuff
Oh hello again. I guess I’ll be reviewing another of your stories today.
I really do like this idea. Wigglytuff was always a mysterious figure to me in the mystery dungeon games and I wondered where he might have come from. I do like your interpetion even if at first I was shocked that you killed Wigglytuff’s mother. Do we get any indication of a father figure? I think that would be an interesting insight.
I’m confused why the other kid pokemon would not like to hang around Wigglytuff after his mother’s death. Does he whine about his mom a lot? I’m not sure if I’m getting the full story here- as they don’t seem to isolate any of his siblings.
And I’m thinking Wigglytuff is a Jigglypuff at this point but it would have been nice to know about this a bit sooner.
The passage of time is a bit too quick. I’ve lost track and now it seems like they’ve managed to do everything in this chapter in a matter of days. Why would they enter a guild just to graduate from it the next day? It seems a bit strange.
We have more scene directions that can be switched out for dividers. But I think you’d need to add a bit more in explaining the transition. As a simple divider won’t necessarily clear up confusion.
Buneary is easily my favorite character. Mostly just for the line “OMG I’M GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA DIE UNDER A FREAKIN’ LOG!!!” I may have exaggerated a bit but it just made me crack up. Buneary is very fatalistic. I think I may add a fatalistic pokemon into one of my fanfictions. Just freakin’ hilarious.
Maybe I should have an OCD pokemon too. :D MONK~!
Ahem. Anyway, is Kirla a pokemon? I’ve never heard of it but then I’m not really... keeping track of the new pokemon. So I’m probably just not recognizing it.
Milktank appears to be a lot less stingy than Wigglytuff in terms of money. So what made Wigglytuff become such a tightwad? I hope you include that in your story. It would be interesting to find out. Maybe Milktank’s guild goes belly up because they don’t have sufficient funds. And the tragedy of such has made Wigglytuff a tightwad ever since.
There are a few spelling and grammar errors but they aren’t really that distracting. The action sequence is a bit confusing however. Only slightly though. Most of it was clear. Just bits and pieces of it came out unclear.
And of course,
“Wow!” I shout as Milktank sent me flying. “She stronger than I thought!”
I just imagined a Jigglypuff flying through the air over their heads, saying this rather nonchalantly. It brings forth a very funny image and I just can’t help but laugh.
Anyway, I hope you have a very merry holiday. Keep writing. And who knows, I might read another of your stories in the future.
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And again, if you would like me to review your story, just leave a link in your comment and I'll be sure to get started on it before I start down my line up of fanfics.