And The Soles Of Your Shoes Are All Worn Down
And The Soles Of Your Shoes Are All Worn Down; Kyuhyun, Sungmin, Ryeowook, Hyukjae, Donghae; one-shot, romance, angst, character death; PG-15; the boy band Super Junior belongs to SM Entertainment and to their selves respectively. I disown anything that you recognized in this fiction, except for the style of writing and plots. Any original characters’ names that resemble real life persons are purely coincidental.
A/N: Hi there! It's been a while, guys. So someone dies in this one. I wrote this fic while listening to an awesome cover of 'I'll Follow You Into The Dark' by Death Cab for Cutie. If anyone knows who did this cover please tell me so I can credit him rightfully. Click the small player down this note to listen to it while reading, well, if you prefer. Hope you enjoy it. :)
---
[ There are moments in my life that I’ll always remember; not because they were important, but because you were there. ]
Today is a rainy day.
The sky is gloomy, blue and black as if Zeus has been punching the layers in anger with his lightning sword. A few little birds are lost between the fiercely dribbling rain, confused and undirected. Kyuhyun looks up and chews his inner cheeks as he sees the birds. He feels sorry for them, he is. They are lost in this weather with all the coldness and their senses attenuated.
If loving each other is being lost, then let’s stay lost forever
He chuckles and averts his eyes from the little birds - may they find their way back home safely - back into the house where a group of familiar faces are gathering and hugging each other and talking about him. Kyuhyun leans against the closed window and listens to the tiny droplets of rain being pushed around by the wind and finally crashes against the glass behind him.
The world is so romantic when it rains. Your cold hand feels good on my cheeks, too
Kyuhyun lifts his right hand to his cheek, and rubs it gently. Something was brushing his cheek a minute ago, and Kyuhyun thought it was his tear. But it wasn’t, apparently. It was soft and warm and smelled like strawberry scented baby powder. And it felt ghostly. Like a touch of a beloved; a sentiment.
Kyuhyun… oh Kyuhyun, what am I going to do without you?
Kyuhyun smiles when Ryeowook looks at him with a pair of concerned eyes. He mouths “are you okay?” and Kyuhyun nods. Ryeowook nods back and walks to be next to Hyukjae that are still sobbing by the kitchen’s entrance. If Ryeowook had waited a few seconds before he nod, he could have seen how Kyuhyun mouthed a simple sentence that would definitely made Kyuhyun his priority today.
“I’m lost”
-
It wasn’t a love at first sight. It was a feeling nurtured after thousands of friendly fights and screams and careless hugging, silly jokes and tired tears. It was coloured with tons of confusion and indefinite answers. Kyuhyun was in denial; Sungmin was always ready.
They asked about what ifs plenty of times, and for more than hundreds of trials they kept coming back to the start. Silence after simple kisses was what they feared the most. Because it had always been the marking stone for what they were going to be.
Kyuhyun had been asking Sungmin if they were a thing, and Sungmin without any hesitance had been smiling and answered ‘yes’ with a great magnificent wall of confidence. But to Kyuhyun, it wasn’t enough. Sungmin alone saying ‘yes’ to his simple question wasn’t enough; he needed the world to say ‘yes’. His embraces felt wrong, his kisses felt wrong, his touches felt wrong; everything about Sungmin felt so wrong.
So Kyuhyun backed away at least a thousand times, and Sungmin waited. Sungmin waited with opened arms and opened heart because he knew (Kyuhyun knew) he would come back running into that arms. Kyuhyun would fall and stumble and slam his face against the floor every single time trying to run away from Sungmin, but in the end the compass inside his heart will always show North, and his North had always been Sungmin.
“Why must I fell for you? It wouldn’t be this hard if I didn’t. It wouldn’t be this hard if I said no, right?”
“I don’t know. Why must we fell for each other?”
It is annoying how different his mind and heart are thinking, yet how together they can exist in one body with the pain they created for each other.
-
Kyuhyun had always felt weird whenever Ryeowook was around. He felt even weirder when Ryeowook was around Sungmin and him. Ryeowook possesses this one superpower that Kyuhyun thought he kept from everybody around him.
Reading people.
Yes, Ryeowook is really great at reading people’s mind. And when he was around them, he didn’t (Kyuhyun thought he refused to) handle his power in secret. Just around them; Sungmin and him.
There was this one time after their first showcase in Japan when he thought Sungmin was very irresistible; beads of sweat dripping off from the end of his light brown hair and his neck and he thought oh screw all the resistance that he put up for months after he thought that they just won’t work - again - that he was so desperate to find a perfect moment when they can be alone. So they finally found themselves both staring staring staring awkwardly but not weirdly, smiling and giggling but not laughing, touching nothing more than each others’ faces inside the staff’s restroom after everyone had changed and celebrating the success of the first showcase in the prep room.
“You’re weird,” Sungmin whispered while looking down at his own hands that were rubbing against each other. His voice was low and mild and vibrated through the small wind that his breath let out across Kyuhyun’s face and into his ears. Kyuhyun walked a step forward, cornering him against the row of sinks and placed one hand in the warm curve just below Sungmin’s waist.
“Yes I am weird. Or else there would be no other explanation for this, then.” He pulled Sungmin’s chin so that their lips could met. He missed Sungmin’s warmth, he missed his ghostly smiles when their lips brushed against each other, he missed the way Sungmin wove their fingers when they held hands; he missed Sungmin. Being in love is being weird. You can always miss the person that has just been walking beside you and talking to you and laughing at your jokes, and it doesn’t even need a reason. You just miss them.
Sungmin didn’t ask him if this was it, if this was the time they should stop pretending and start be a thing. Sungmin never ask. He didn’t have to. All he needed to do was smile. Smile and nod and open his arms and Kyuhyun would come running.
“Oh you silly boy, you.” Sungmin giggled again as Kyuhyun pulled him into the empty stall behind them but they stopped when someone was clapping.
“Idiot is the right word, Sungmin hyung. Idiot is.” Ryeowook showed up at the toilet entrance with a drunken Jongwoon hanging on his small shoulders holding his barf in. Sungmin blushed, Kyuhyun stunned and Ryeowook just couldn’t give a damn about any of their expressions.
“Oh I see. That’s funny. You were still thinking that you two were a secret? Wow how oblivious your partner can be, Sungmin hyung.” He slapped Jongwoon a few times on his face before waving at them. Kyuhyun thought Ryeowook was too heartless. Sungmin thought Ryeowook was cute.
“No he is not. He’s creepy.”
“You’re one to say, idiot.” Kyuhyun clucked his tongue showing his disagreement. Sungmin giggled and pushed him away. He said they must be careful when attempting to do something naughty like this.
“Let’s be civilised, shall we?” he suggested, and Kyuhyun agreed. Too bad they were both sound asleep at the hotel that night after snuggling into each other’s embrace, too tired to do anything other than a simple, sincere kiss.
-
“Kyuhyun.”
He turns and there she is, standing in front of him, eyes red and all dried up. Despite her tidied up bun-knotted hair and a pair of pretty black dress with laces on the neck which Kyuhyun is pretty sure she wouldn’t want to wear for days like this, her face is pale and tired.
“Auntie…” he opens his arms, waiting for her. Trying to grab onto what is left of her, leaning with what is left of him. What has he got left on him after his very own soul is gone?
“Kyuhyun… oh Kyuhyun what should I do?” she smiles and asks him tenderly as she falls into the young man’s arms, but sadness is not invisible. Sadness is the most vicious feeling a person could ever own. Sadness will come up no matter how bad you try to hide it, taking control of your face, your muscles, your endorphin your everything; your very own existence.
“What happened, Kyuhyun? He was so happy when he left that night with you. He was smiling. He was-he… oh Kyuhyun what am I supposed to do?” Kyuhyun hugs her tightly, feeling her warmth under his skin. He was just like her. He was. they were so similar. The way they talk, the way they smile, the way they laugh. Her small, beautiful nose and fair skin with pretty cheekbones printed on his face. He was as beautiful as her.
To be truth, he doesn’t want to see her face. He doesn’t want to see her and mistaken her name with her son’s name. He doesn’t want to compare the warmth of his body to anyone, not even his mother. But that would be selfish. And today is not the right day to be like that.
“I hope he was really happy that night,” Kyuhyun whispers to her, and she nods.
“He was happy, Kyuhyun. I know he was. I’m his mother,” she says sternly, smiling. Her hands hold onto Kyuhyun’s arms, firmly despite how shaky she turns out to be. How Kyuhyun wish he wasn’t looking.
“How come he was not happy when he was with you?” she asks rhetorically trying to put a smile on Kyuhyun’s face. Kyuhyun shakes his head and turns away.
Oh, you wouldn’t want to know, Auntie.
-
“I wish you were a girl.”
Sungmin stopped strumming his guitar, inhaled deeply and looked up to a standing Kyuhyun in front of him. Kyuhyun’s eyes were closed, his hands were hanging just above Sungmin’s temple and his mouth was chanting some words that sounded like Korean but most probably weren’t Korean at all.
“I’m sorry; my boobs were not developed properly. And ironically my pussy was overdeveloped, growing into something everyone would call, uhh, I don’t know; a penis?” he smiled, put his guitar away from his lap and grabbed both of Kyuhyun’s hands that were ruffling his hair now. Kyuhyun slowly opened his eyes and stared intensely at Sungmin.
“What?”
“Why must you be a man? I mean, you’re beautiful, your eyes are shining and round and gosh, I love your lashes they’re perfect. Seriously they’re one of the reasons why I was, am attracted to you, but still why must you be a man?” Kyuhyun asked with a low tone, his fingers were looking for the empty spaces between Sungmin’s fingers to fill. Sungmin chuckled, and closed the gap they had between them, before pecking Kyuhyun’s cheek and fell together onto the bed with Kyuhyun on top of him. Their faces were close, very close that his breathing sounded a lot like Kyuhyun’s.
“If I were a woman, would you still love me?” Kyuhyun took his hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. “I would love you even if you were a statue, Lee Sungmin.”
Sungmin pulled his hand away, shoved Kyuhyun off and sat up at the edge of the bed. “Of course you would, because loving a statue is less appalling than loving someone of the same gender, isn’t it? No one would question your reasons for loving a statue, because being obsessed with something… cold and hard and not alive… something that will never love you back is normal. Right?” his voice was trembling, his lips were tremendously moving and his eyes weren’t looking directly into Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“Oh, Sungmin.” Kyuhyun pulled him close from behind, and buried his nose into his warm nape. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was… because Donghee hyung was bragging about his girlfriend and I wished I could do the same with you. I want to hold your hands in front of everyone when we are in the crowds, I want to kiss your cheeks when we are famished and too tired to move after our concerts are done, I want to say ‘I love you’ countless times in front of our families…I am an overly attached sucker for you, you know?”
“And who is the oblivious one now?” Sungmin said, turning his body around to face Kyuhyun and draped his arms around the slightly chubby waist. “How many times have we hold hands and feel our heartbeat in sync? How many times have I kissed your cheeks when we were on stage and we were both very tired and sweaty and people didn’t even care? And didn’t you hear what I told my mom the last time we visited her? That I want to be your roommate as long as God is willing? Isn’t that enough of a confession? Isn’t that enough? Do we still have to brag about being in love just because of some stupid Donghee’s love scheme?” he spilt his words onto Kyuhyun’s chest, and it felt as if his pores were absorbing the melted breath into his heart.
“Silly Kyuhyun. Can’t you just love me for who I am? It’s unfair. So unfair.”
“I’m sorry. Hey, I’m sorry, okay?” he nipped Sungmin’s small nose and made him giggle. How could he ask for more, when being in love means to indulge on everything that love has offered you for? How could he? Those big brown eyes, those perfect lips and beautiful, beautiful skins. The patience within such a beautiful body; Kyuhyun realised he was too much. Too much for a forgiveness.
But it was okay. Sungmin was far from being angry. Sungmin was never angry at him. He closed his eyes for a second, and he was already forgiven. With that beautiful lips planted on his dry ones.
-
Sungmin once said, “Donghae is bad for Hyukjae.” Kyuhyun laughed, because addressing someone like he was a thing is funny and Donghae isn’t a thing to contradict with. “Where did that come from?”
Sungmin would frown and his lips would be flatten, hands folded and eyes started to focus on somewhere far, which is a habit of him when he is thinking. Kyuhyun had always thought he looked like a kid when he did that. Kyuhyun put down the tablet in his hands - he was fighting the boss in the war game he downloaded last night - and turned to the door as he heard it was being opened. Hyukjae walked in while laughing to Donghae’s silly stories, and Kyuhyun could see how their hands were secretly touching and grazing against each other. Donghae greeted them both, asking whether they had had their dinner, told them that he and Hyukjae had theirs at this one new western diner just down the street of their apartment and that they should try there too, sometimes.
“Sounds delicious,” Kyuhyun said, “let’s try it later, hyung,” he suggested to Sungmin but he almost burst into laughter when he saw the way Sungmin frowned. Donghae and Hyukjae was a tad confused with Sungmin’s sharp stare that was aimed at them both (Donghae especially) so they excused themselves and went to their room.
“Sungmin, you’re too obvious. Calm down.” Kyuhyun reached for his hands and softly caressed them with his palms. Sungmin looked as if he had just woken up from a daydream and his face started to soften. Kyuhyun secretly noted that Sungmin was indeed a man full of expressions. His feelings were as clear as crystal and it would only take someone to be a complete fool not to notice it. He wondered for a moment if he was a fool before Sungmin became his. Not seeing the longing glances or the pensive touches when they held hands in their early days as performers. But again…
“What are you thinking? You look disturbed all of a sudden,” Sungmin asked him, one hand palming his pimple-scarred cheek.
…everyone who thought that they were not loved by Sungmin was a fool.
“Sorry, you were saying?” Sungmin sighed, slowly pulled his hands from Kyuhyun and went back to folding his arms. “We have to get them apart or Hyukjae will be hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun. It’s obvious isn’t it? He’s in love with that Donghae!” he half-shouted and Kyuhyun had to spring towards him and covered his mouth with his hand. “I don’t think he wants everyone to know about that, Sungmin.” Sungmin apologised as Kyuhyun sat next to him. “It’s just that, he’s too readable, that idiot. I bet Donghae knows about his feelings. He’s straight, isn’t he? He dated girls the last time I checked. Even made snowman for them and stuff.” Kyuhyun laughed, and Sungmin looked confused.
“What?”
“Hyukjae punched a wall once.”
Sungmin breath halted, and then he burst into laughter. Kyuhyun smiled as his laughter subsided into giggles, and that giggles finally turned into one beautifully loving smile.
“You’re right. He did, didn’t he? And I was worried for nothing.”
“No, not for nothing.” Kyuhyun took his hand once again and Sungmin let him. The living room was quiet, and what were audible then was only the subtle hums of the air-conditioner and their breathings. And if Kyuhyun closed his eyes, he could hear their both their heartbeats, calmed and contented, as if they were taking a short walk inside a lovely garden with only each other in mind.
“You love everyone, that’s why you’re worried. That’s not nothing. Loving everyone equally is not nothing. You don’t want Hyukjae to be hurt, and you don’t want Donghae to be confused. You love everyone, and that’s why I love you.” He muttered with his eyes closed. He could feel Sungmin’s hand moved, but he held it tight. Sungmin hummed in retreat.
They stayed like that for five minutes before Sungmin leaned onto his shoulder, and whispered an “I love you too. More than I love everyone else.”
Kyuhyun thought he was really a fool once.
-
“I’ll help you,” Donghae peeks in from outside of the room. Kyuhyun smiles and says thanks “…but I want to keep his things the way it is. I’ve asked auntie about it and she said it’s fine.”
Donghae pulls the chair from under Sungmin’s study desk and sits down. “Hyukjae’s asleep. I’ve never seen him crying that badly. It breaks my heart to see him like that.” Kyuhyun laughs.
“Everyone’s heart breaks today. Mine’s shattered.” Donghae clasps his hands together as if he is praying for something - or perhaps he really is praying - and smiles. “Sungmin cornered me once.” Kyuhyun turns to look at him with a wondering face. Donghae nods, and leans into the backrest of the swivelling chair. “About Hyukjae?”
“Yup. He sounded so full of concern, asking me if I’m feeling anything towards Hyukjae. I was flabbergasted; I didn’t know what to answer. He saw through me and he didn’t have any mean to spare me a breath.”
“What a nosey guy. I told him to stay out of it.”
“Indeed. But he helped me, nonetheless. I wonder what would happen if I’m still holding back and Hyukjae finally gives up on me. Really, I wouldn’t know what to do without his help.” He scratches his chin, laughs with a low note, and sniffs. Kyuhyun walks from the middle of the room to Sungmin’s bed. The pillows are still scattered, the comforter left unfolded from the last time they were cuddling - the night when Sungmin fell into a deep sleep.
“What do you think would happen if we took him to hospital after the fall?”
Donghae shrugs. He was there when it happened. And it all happened too fast. Sungmin was whining about everyone waking up late for the first broadcast they were scheduled together as a group after months of working individually - complete even with Siwon who were getting a tad too busy lately - and was very excited as he helped Ryeowook making breakfast for everyone. He said Ryeowook hasn’t been cooking lately, and Ryeowook said yes “I really haven’t been cooking lately” and they decided to get busy that morning. Kyuhyun could hear their chat and he decided to cover his ears with his pillow.
Twenty minutes later, Sungmin knocked on their room’s door, telling him to get up. He didn’t respond so Sungmin decided to jump on his sleeping body and pulled him down the bed. Sungmin was all smiles and sunshine that morning he couldn’t get himself to be pissed. He even decided to text Heechul who was not with them, telling him what they had that morning and told him to take care of himself. Heechul replied with ‘sure. you too’ and Sungmin complained about how Heechul was not being very polite to everyone who texted him while he was in the army.
Kyuhyun takes a deep breath. His memory trails off to the small stairs in front of their apartment building. There were only six, no, seven steps of it. Sungmin was the earliest to go down with the elevator, telling them he wanted to find his iPod that he left in the van last night. Kyuhyun and Donghae were the second to go down along with their managers and make-up artist and coordinators. Donghae was asking him to teach him some cheat codes for the game he is currently stuck with and Kyuhyun was about to reply okay when they heard something went thudding to the ground, and Sungmin was lying at the down end of the stairs, groaning while holding his head.
“I slipped,” he said with a laugh. “I hit my head on the last step,” he said again, rubbing the back of his head. Kyuhyun helped him up, Donghae just laughed. When the others reached the ground floor minutes later, they mocked him for being so clumsy. Sungmin pouted, but then he laughed it off. Kyuhyun asked him if he was really okay, he said he was. He was eager to do the broadcast today, so he couldn’t feel the pain at all, he said.
But he wasn’t okay.
That night, he called Kyuhyun to his bed, asking to be hugged and cuddled like a teddy bear. Kyuhyun obliged, and cradled him in his arms like a child. Sungmin asked him a lot of things he didn’t expect that he have to answer.
“Do you think God would let us grow old together?” “Do you want to see my wrinkled face?” “Would you still love me fifty years from now?” “Would you cry for me if I disappeared?”
Kyuhyun waited for him to finish his questions, because he was ready with one definite answer; “Yes.” Sungmin threw his arms around his neck, and clung to him like a child. “Let me fall asleep like this,” he said. “I didn’t know I can be this tired,” he said again, mumbled and tripped with his words. Kyuhyun kissed his lips, and said “I love you. I wonder if you know how much.”
“I know. I can feel it. It is really an honour to be Lee Sungmin when it means I am loved like this, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Sungmin started to snore, and Kyuhyun chuckled. His body was warm and lively and animate. His lips mumbled “I love you” thousands of times that night, and Kyuhyun thought he would have the chance to hear it again tomorrow so he went to sleep without much thought.
Kyuhyun woke up to a cold Sungmin in his arms the next morning. Sungmin without words of love flowing out from his pretty lips anymore.
“I wonder if he really understands how much I love him,” he mutters, and Donghae nods.
Donghae can’t really do anything but nod.
-
The press representatives are crowding along the street in front of the building as all the members are walking out from the entrance in black mourning suits and reddened eyes the next morning, all ready to go and pay one final respect to this one dear member at the hall that the manager managed to reserve last evening. A podium was urgently made in front of the building, next to the place where Sungmin fell and got up back with a smile, telling them that he was okay two days ago.
Their chief manager explains that Sungmin suffered from a clotted blood in his brain after the fall, and no one was suspected since it was all an accident. Jungsu gives a speech of how he was such a precious member, and he loves him with all his heart as a hyung. He breaks down in tears when he looks at Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun looks away. Hyukjae refuses to give a speech because he can’t control his tears, and Donghae just stands there until two minutes passes and says “he was more than just a member, he was a dear hyung.” Ryeowook says “he was a great partner in cooking and when you need to talk things you couldn’t to anyone else,” and walks down. Siwon reads a line from a Bible about loss. Youngwoon and Heechul walk to the podium together talk about how Sungmin acted as if he was scared of them but still hugged them when he saw them crying. Jongwoon talks about how Sungmin once threw his turtles across the living room because it climbed onto his head while he was sleeping and everyone laughs.
And then it comes to Kyuhyun for a final speech. He walks slowly, he doesn’t want to say anything if he could, but he knows he got to in the end. Standing there, hands clench, he looks across the crowd in front of him, past the security, past the street and the rushing cars on the road, and to a lamp post right in front of the entrance gate. And this is when he sees him. All smiling, leaning against the lamp post where they had their second kiss shared after a sneak out in a midnight; their first date after Kyuhyun no longer defies his heart and Sungmin, well, Sungmin accepts him as he always had.
Kyuhyun smiles, and hold his head high.
“I love you, Lee Sungmin. As a person, a friend, a member, a brother. As someone who took my good and my bad, my perfections and my fouls, my indiscretion and worries.
I love you Lee Sungmin, as a lover. As someone who wishes to see us growing old together and make jokes about it. As someone who wants to hold your hands in front of everyone without fear so that you wouldn’t get hurt just like you did.
I love you Lee Sungmin, just as much as you loved me. And I will always do.” He steps down from the podium, and walks to be back in line with the other members. The press are screaming to ask him about a lot of thing - a lot about him and Sungmin. Hyukjae smiles. Donghae tries to stop himself from grinning; he fails. Ryeowook laughs. The other members, well, they nod in sync.
He has already told them a lot. He doesn’t feel like sharing it all.
Or he would have nothing left to tell Sungmin once they meet again later.
-END-
A/N: Hi there! It's been a while, guys. So someone dies in this one. I wrote this fic while listening to an awesome cover of 'I'll Follow You Into The Dark' by Death Cab for Cutie. If anyone knows who did this cover please tell me so I can credit him rightfully. Click the small player down this note to listen to it while reading, well, if you prefer. Hope you enjoy it. :)
---
[ There are moments in my life that I’ll always remember; not because they were important, but because you were there. ]
Today is a rainy day.
The sky is gloomy, blue and black as if Zeus has been punching the layers in anger with his lightning sword. A few little birds are lost between the fiercely dribbling rain, confused and undirected. Kyuhyun looks up and chews his inner cheeks as he sees the birds. He feels sorry for them, he is. They are lost in this weather with all the coldness and their senses attenuated.
If loving each other is being lost, then let’s stay lost forever
He chuckles and averts his eyes from the little birds - may they find their way back home safely - back into the house where a group of familiar faces are gathering and hugging each other and talking about him. Kyuhyun leans against the closed window and listens to the tiny droplets of rain being pushed around by the wind and finally crashes against the glass behind him.
The world is so romantic when it rains. Your cold hand feels good on my cheeks, too
Kyuhyun lifts his right hand to his cheek, and rubs it gently. Something was brushing his cheek a minute ago, and Kyuhyun thought it was his tear. But it wasn’t, apparently. It was soft and warm and smelled like strawberry scented baby powder. And it felt ghostly. Like a touch of a beloved; a sentiment.
Kyuhyun… oh Kyuhyun, what am I going to do without you?
Kyuhyun smiles when Ryeowook looks at him with a pair of concerned eyes. He mouths “are you okay?” and Kyuhyun nods. Ryeowook nods back and walks to be next to Hyukjae that are still sobbing by the kitchen’s entrance. If Ryeowook had waited a few seconds before he nod, he could have seen how Kyuhyun mouthed a simple sentence that would definitely made Kyuhyun his priority today.
“I’m lost”
-
It wasn’t a love at first sight. It was a feeling nurtured after thousands of friendly fights and screams and careless hugging, silly jokes and tired tears. It was coloured with tons of confusion and indefinite answers. Kyuhyun was in denial; Sungmin was always ready.
They asked about what ifs plenty of times, and for more than hundreds of trials they kept coming back to the start. Silence after simple kisses was what they feared the most. Because it had always been the marking stone for what they were going to be.
Kyuhyun had been asking Sungmin if they were a thing, and Sungmin without any hesitance had been smiling and answered ‘yes’ with a great magnificent wall of confidence. But to Kyuhyun, it wasn’t enough. Sungmin alone saying ‘yes’ to his simple question wasn’t enough; he needed the world to say ‘yes’. His embraces felt wrong, his kisses felt wrong, his touches felt wrong; everything about Sungmin felt so wrong.
So Kyuhyun backed away at least a thousand times, and Sungmin waited. Sungmin waited with opened arms and opened heart because he knew (Kyuhyun knew) he would come back running into that arms. Kyuhyun would fall and stumble and slam his face against the floor every single time trying to run away from Sungmin, but in the end the compass inside his heart will always show North, and his North had always been Sungmin.
“Why must I fell for you? It wouldn’t be this hard if I didn’t. It wouldn’t be this hard if I said no, right?”
“I don’t know. Why must we fell for each other?”
It is annoying how different his mind and heart are thinking, yet how together they can exist in one body with the pain they created for each other.
-
Kyuhyun had always felt weird whenever Ryeowook was around. He felt even weirder when Ryeowook was around Sungmin and him. Ryeowook possesses this one superpower that Kyuhyun thought he kept from everybody around him.
Reading people.
Yes, Ryeowook is really great at reading people’s mind. And when he was around them, he didn’t (Kyuhyun thought he refused to) handle his power in secret. Just around them; Sungmin and him.
There was this one time after their first showcase in Japan when he thought Sungmin was very irresistible; beads of sweat dripping off from the end of his light brown hair and his neck and he thought oh screw all the resistance that he put up for months after he thought that they just won’t work - again - that he was so desperate to find a perfect moment when they can be alone. So they finally found themselves both staring staring staring awkwardly but not weirdly, smiling and giggling but not laughing, touching nothing more than each others’ faces inside the staff’s restroom after everyone had changed and celebrating the success of the first showcase in the prep room.
“You’re weird,” Sungmin whispered while looking down at his own hands that were rubbing against each other. His voice was low and mild and vibrated through the small wind that his breath let out across Kyuhyun’s face and into his ears. Kyuhyun walked a step forward, cornering him against the row of sinks and placed one hand in the warm curve just below Sungmin’s waist.
“Yes I am weird. Or else there would be no other explanation for this, then.” He pulled Sungmin’s chin so that their lips could met. He missed Sungmin’s warmth, he missed his ghostly smiles when their lips brushed against each other, he missed the way Sungmin wove their fingers when they held hands; he missed Sungmin. Being in love is being weird. You can always miss the person that has just been walking beside you and talking to you and laughing at your jokes, and it doesn’t even need a reason. You just miss them.
Sungmin didn’t ask him if this was it, if this was the time they should stop pretending and start be a thing. Sungmin never ask. He didn’t have to. All he needed to do was smile. Smile and nod and open his arms and Kyuhyun would come running.
“Oh you silly boy, you.” Sungmin giggled again as Kyuhyun pulled him into the empty stall behind them but they stopped when someone was clapping.
“Idiot is the right word, Sungmin hyung. Idiot is.” Ryeowook showed up at the toilet entrance with a drunken Jongwoon hanging on his small shoulders holding his barf in. Sungmin blushed, Kyuhyun stunned and Ryeowook just couldn’t give a damn about any of their expressions.
“Oh I see. That’s funny. You were still thinking that you two were a secret? Wow how oblivious your partner can be, Sungmin hyung.” He slapped Jongwoon a few times on his face before waving at them. Kyuhyun thought Ryeowook was too heartless. Sungmin thought Ryeowook was cute.
“No he is not. He’s creepy.”
“You’re one to say, idiot.” Kyuhyun clucked his tongue showing his disagreement. Sungmin giggled and pushed him away. He said they must be careful when attempting to do something naughty like this.
“Let’s be civilised, shall we?” he suggested, and Kyuhyun agreed. Too bad they were both sound asleep at the hotel that night after snuggling into each other’s embrace, too tired to do anything other than a simple, sincere kiss.
-
“Kyuhyun.”
He turns and there she is, standing in front of him, eyes red and all dried up. Despite her tidied up bun-knotted hair and a pair of pretty black dress with laces on the neck which Kyuhyun is pretty sure she wouldn’t want to wear for days like this, her face is pale and tired.
“Auntie…” he opens his arms, waiting for her. Trying to grab onto what is left of her, leaning with what is left of him. What has he got left on him after his very own soul is gone?
“Kyuhyun… oh Kyuhyun what should I do?” she smiles and asks him tenderly as she falls into the young man’s arms, but sadness is not invisible. Sadness is the most vicious feeling a person could ever own. Sadness will come up no matter how bad you try to hide it, taking control of your face, your muscles, your endorphin your everything; your very own existence.
“What happened, Kyuhyun? He was so happy when he left that night with you. He was smiling. He was-he… oh Kyuhyun what am I supposed to do?” Kyuhyun hugs her tightly, feeling her warmth under his skin. He was just like her. He was. they were so similar. The way they talk, the way they smile, the way they laugh. Her small, beautiful nose and fair skin with pretty cheekbones printed on his face. He was as beautiful as her.
To be truth, he doesn’t want to see her face. He doesn’t want to see her and mistaken her name with her son’s name. He doesn’t want to compare the warmth of his body to anyone, not even his mother. But that would be selfish. And today is not the right day to be like that.
“I hope he was really happy that night,” Kyuhyun whispers to her, and she nods.
“He was happy, Kyuhyun. I know he was. I’m his mother,” she says sternly, smiling. Her hands hold onto Kyuhyun’s arms, firmly despite how shaky she turns out to be. How Kyuhyun wish he wasn’t looking.
“How come he was not happy when he was with you?” she asks rhetorically trying to put a smile on Kyuhyun’s face. Kyuhyun shakes his head and turns away.
Oh, you wouldn’t want to know, Auntie.
-
“I wish you were a girl.”
Sungmin stopped strumming his guitar, inhaled deeply and looked up to a standing Kyuhyun in front of him. Kyuhyun’s eyes were closed, his hands were hanging just above Sungmin’s temple and his mouth was chanting some words that sounded like Korean but most probably weren’t Korean at all.
“I’m sorry; my boobs were not developed properly. And ironically my pussy was overdeveloped, growing into something everyone would call, uhh, I don’t know; a penis?” he smiled, put his guitar away from his lap and grabbed both of Kyuhyun’s hands that were ruffling his hair now. Kyuhyun slowly opened his eyes and stared intensely at Sungmin.
“What?”
“Why must you be a man? I mean, you’re beautiful, your eyes are shining and round and gosh, I love your lashes they’re perfect. Seriously they’re one of the reasons why I was, am attracted to you, but still why must you be a man?” Kyuhyun asked with a low tone, his fingers were looking for the empty spaces between Sungmin’s fingers to fill. Sungmin chuckled, and closed the gap they had between them, before pecking Kyuhyun’s cheek and fell together onto the bed with Kyuhyun on top of him. Their faces were close, very close that his breathing sounded a lot like Kyuhyun’s.
“If I were a woman, would you still love me?” Kyuhyun took his hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. “I would love you even if you were a statue, Lee Sungmin.”
Sungmin pulled his hand away, shoved Kyuhyun off and sat up at the edge of the bed. “Of course you would, because loving a statue is less appalling than loving someone of the same gender, isn’t it? No one would question your reasons for loving a statue, because being obsessed with something… cold and hard and not alive… something that will never love you back is normal. Right?” his voice was trembling, his lips were tremendously moving and his eyes weren’t looking directly into Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“Oh, Sungmin.” Kyuhyun pulled him close from behind, and buried his nose into his warm nape. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was… because Donghee hyung was bragging about his girlfriend and I wished I could do the same with you. I want to hold your hands in front of everyone when we are in the crowds, I want to kiss your cheeks when we are famished and too tired to move after our concerts are done, I want to say ‘I love you’ countless times in front of our families…I am an overly attached sucker for you, you know?”
“And who is the oblivious one now?” Sungmin said, turning his body around to face Kyuhyun and draped his arms around the slightly chubby waist. “How many times have we hold hands and feel our heartbeat in sync? How many times have I kissed your cheeks when we were on stage and we were both very tired and sweaty and people didn’t even care? And didn’t you hear what I told my mom the last time we visited her? That I want to be your roommate as long as God is willing? Isn’t that enough of a confession? Isn’t that enough? Do we still have to brag about being in love just because of some stupid Donghee’s love scheme?” he spilt his words onto Kyuhyun’s chest, and it felt as if his pores were absorbing the melted breath into his heart.
“Silly Kyuhyun. Can’t you just love me for who I am? It’s unfair. So unfair.”
“I’m sorry. Hey, I’m sorry, okay?” he nipped Sungmin’s small nose and made him giggle. How could he ask for more, when being in love means to indulge on everything that love has offered you for? How could he? Those big brown eyes, those perfect lips and beautiful, beautiful skins. The patience within such a beautiful body; Kyuhyun realised he was too much. Too much for a forgiveness.
But it was okay. Sungmin was far from being angry. Sungmin was never angry at him. He closed his eyes for a second, and he was already forgiven. With that beautiful lips planted on his dry ones.
-
Sungmin once said, “Donghae is bad for Hyukjae.” Kyuhyun laughed, because addressing someone like he was a thing is funny and Donghae isn’t a thing to contradict with. “Where did that come from?”
Sungmin would frown and his lips would be flatten, hands folded and eyes started to focus on somewhere far, which is a habit of him when he is thinking. Kyuhyun had always thought he looked like a kid when he did that. Kyuhyun put down the tablet in his hands - he was fighting the boss in the war game he downloaded last night - and turned to the door as he heard it was being opened. Hyukjae walked in while laughing to Donghae’s silly stories, and Kyuhyun could see how their hands were secretly touching and grazing against each other. Donghae greeted them both, asking whether they had had their dinner, told them that he and Hyukjae had theirs at this one new western diner just down the street of their apartment and that they should try there too, sometimes.
“Sounds delicious,” Kyuhyun said, “let’s try it later, hyung,” he suggested to Sungmin but he almost burst into laughter when he saw the way Sungmin frowned. Donghae and Hyukjae was a tad confused with Sungmin’s sharp stare that was aimed at them both (Donghae especially) so they excused themselves and went to their room.
“Sungmin, you’re too obvious. Calm down.” Kyuhyun reached for his hands and softly caressed them with his palms. Sungmin looked as if he had just woken up from a daydream and his face started to soften. Kyuhyun secretly noted that Sungmin was indeed a man full of expressions. His feelings were as clear as crystal and it would only take someone to be a complete fool not to notice it. He wondered for a moment if he was a fool before Sungmin became his. Not seeing the longing glances or the pensive touches when they held hands in their early days as performers. But again…
“What are you thinking? You look disturbed all of a sudden,” Sungmin asked him, one hand palming his pimple-scarred cheek.
…everyone who thought that they were not loved by Sungmin was a fool.
“Sorry, you were saying?” Sungmin sighed, slowly pulled his hands from Kyuhyun and went back to folding his arms. “We have to get them apart or Hyukjae will be hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun. It’s obvious isn’t it? He’s in love with that Donghae!” he half-shouted and Kyuhyun had to spring towards him and covered his mouth with his hand. “I don’t think he wants everyone to know about that, Sungmin.” Sungmin apologised as Kyuhyun sat next to him. “It’s just that, he’s too readable, that idiot. I bet Donghae knows about his feelings. He’s straight, isn’t he? He dated girls the last time I checked. Even made snowman for them and stuff.” Kyuhyun laughed, and Sungmin looked confused.
“What?”
“Hyukjae punched a wall once.”
Sungmin breath halted, and then he burst into laughter. Kyuhyun smiled as his laughter subsided into giggles, and that giggles finally turned into one beautifully loving smile.
“You’re right. He did, didn’t he? And I was worried for nothing.”
“No, not for nothing.” Kyuhyun took his hand once again and Sungmin let him. The living room was quiet, and what were audible then was only the subtle hums of the air-conditioner and their breathings. And if Kyuhyun closed his eyes, he could hear their both their heartbeats, calmed and contented, as if they were taking a short walk inside a lovely garden with only each other in mind.
“You love everyone, that’s why you’re worried. That’s not nothing. Loving everyone equally is not nothing. You don’t want Hyukjae to be hurt, and you don’t want Donghae to be confused. You love everyone, and that’s why I love you.” He muttered with his eyes closed. He could feel Sungmin’s hand moved, but he held it tight. Sungmin hummed in retreat.
They stayed like that for five minutes before Sungmin leaned onto his shoulder, and whispered an “I love you too. More than I love everyone else.”
Kyuhyun thought he was really a fool once.
-
“I’ll help you,” Donghae peeks in from outside of the room. Kyuhyun smiles and says thanks “…but I want to keep his things the way it is. I’ve asked auntie about it and she said it’s fine.”
Donghae pulls the chair from under Sungmin’s study desk and sits down. “Hyukjae’s asleep. I’ve never seen him crying that badly. It breaks my heart to see him like that.” Kyuhyun laughs.
“Everyone’s heart breaks today. Mine’s shattered.” Donghae clasps his hands together as if he is praying for something - or perhaps he really is praying - and smiles. “Sungmin cornered me once.” Kyuhyun turns to look at him with a wondering face. Donghae nods, and leans into the backrest of the swivelling chair. “About Hyukjae?”
“Yup. He sounded so full of concern, asking me if I’m feeling anything towards Hyukjae. I was flabbergasted; I didn’t know what to answer. He saw through me and he didn’t have any mean to spare me a breath.”
“What a nosey guy. I told him to stay out of it.”
“Indeed. But he helped me, nonetheless. I wonder what would happen if I’m still holding back and Hyukjae finally gives up on me. Really, I wouldn’t know what to do without his help.” He scratches his chin, laughs with a low note, and sniffs. Kyuhyun walks from the middle of the room to Sungmin’s bed. The pillows are still scattered, the comforter left unfolded from the last time they were cuddling - the night when Sungmin fell into a deep sleep.
“What do you think would happen if we took him to hospital after the fall?”
Donghae shrugs. He was there when it happened. And it all happened too fast. Sungmin was whining about everyone waking up late for the first broadcast they were scheduled together as a group after months of working individually - complete even with Siwon who were getting a tad too busy lately - and was very excited as he helped Ryeowook making breakfast for everyone. He said Ryeowook hasn’t been cooking lately, and Ryeowook said yes “I really haven’t been cooking lately” and they decided to get busy that morning. Kyuhyun could hear their chat and he decided to cover his ears with his pillow.
Twenty minutes later, Sungmin knocked on their room’s door, telling him to get up. He didn’t respond so Sungmin decided to jump on his sleeping body and pulled him down the bed. Sungmin was all smiles and sunshine that morning he couldn’t get himself to be pissed. He even decided to text Heechul who was not with them, telling him what they had that morning and told him to take care of himself. Heechul replied with ‘sure. you too’ and Sungmin complained about how Heechul was not being very polite to everyone who texted him while he was in the army.
Kyuhyun takes a deep breath. His memory trails off to the small stairs in front of their apartment building. There were only six, no, seven steps of it. Sungmin was the earliest to go down with the elevator, telling them he wanted to find his iPod that he left in the van last night. Kyuhyun and Donghae were the second to go down along with their managers and make-up artist and coordinators. Donghae was asking him to teach him some cheat codes for the game he is currently stuck with and Kyuhyun was about to reply okay when they heard something went thudding to the ground, and Sungmin was lying at the down end of the stairs, groaning while holding his head.
“I slipped,” he said with a laugh. “I hit my head on the last step,” he said again, rubbing the back of his head. Kyuhyun helped him up, Donghae just laughed. When the others reached the ground floor minutes later, they mocked him for being so clumsy. Sungmin pouted, but then he laughed it off. Kyuhyun asked him if he was really okay, he said he was. He was eager to do the broadcast today, so he couldn’t feel the pain at all, he said.
But he wasn’t okay.
That night, he called Kyuhyun to his bed, asking to be hugged and cuddled like a teddy bear. Kyuhyun obliged, and cradled him in his arms like a child. Sungmin asked him a lot of things he didn’t expect that he have to answer.
“Do you think God would let us grow old together?” “Do you want to see my wrinkled face?” “Would you still love me fifty years from now?” “Would you cry for me if I disappeared?”
Kyuhyun waited for him to finish his questions, because he was ready with one definite answer; “Yes.” Sungmin threw his arms around his neck, and clung to him like a child. “Let me fall asleep like this,” he said. “I didn’t know I can be this tired,” he said again, mumbled and tripped with his words. Kyuhyun kissed his lips, and said “I love you. I wonder if you know how much.”
“I know. I can feel it. It is really an honour to be Lee Sungmin when it means I am loved like this, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Sungmin started to snore, and Kyuhyun chuckled. His body was warm and lively and animate. His lips mumbled “I love you” thousands of times that night, and Kyuhyun thought he would have the chance to hear it again tomorrow so he went to sleep without much thought.
Kyuhyun woke up to a cold Sungmin in his arms the next morning. Sungmin without words of love flowing out from his pretty lips anymore.
“I wonder if he really understands how much I love him,” he mutters, and Donghae nods.
Donghae can’t really do anything but nod.
-
The press representatives are crowding along the street in front of the building as all the members are walking out from the entrance in black mourning suits and reddened eyes the next morning, all ready to go and pay one final respect to this one dear member at the hall that the manager managed to reserve last evening. A podium was urgently made in front of the building, next to the place where Sungmin fell and got up back with a smile, telling them that he was okay two days ago.
Their chief manager explains that Sungmin suffered from a clotted blood in his brain after the fall, and no one was suspected since it was all an accident. Jungsu gives a speech of how he was such a precious member, and he loves him with all his heart as a hyung. He breaks down in tears when he looks at Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun looks away. Hyukjae refuses to give a speech because he can’t control his tears, and Donghae just stands there until two minutes passes and says “he was more than just a member, he was a dear hyung.” Ryeowook says “he was a great partner in cooking and when you need to talk things you couldn’t to anyone else,” and walks down. Siwon reads a line from a Bible about loss. Youngwoon and Heechul walk to the podium together talk about how Sungmin acted as if he was scared of them but still hugged them when he saw them crying. Jongwoon talks about how Sungmin once threw his turtles across the living room because it climbed onto his head while he was sleeping and everyone laughs.
And then it comes to Kyuhyun for a final speech. He walks slowly, he doesn’t want to say anything if he could, but he knows he got to in the end. Standing there, hands clench, he looks across the crowd in front of him, past the security, past the street and the rushing cars on the road, and to a lamp post right in front of the entrance gate. And this is when he sees him. All smiling, leaning against the lamp post where they had their second kiss shared after a sneak out in a midnight; their first date after Kyuhyun no longer defies his heart and Sungmin, well, Sungmin accepts him as he always had.
Kyuhyun smiles, and hold his head high.
“I love you, Lee Sungmin. As a person, a friend, a member, a brother. As someone who took my good and my bad, my perfections and my fouls, my indiscretion and worries.
I love you Lee Sungmin, as a lover. As someone who wishes to see us growing old together and make jokes about it. As someone who wants to hold your hands in front of everyone without fear so that you wouldn’t get hurt just like you did.
I love you Lee Sungmin, just as much as you loved me. And I will always do.” He steps down from the podium, and walks to be back in line with the other members. The press are screaming to ask him about a lot of thing - a lot about him and Sungmin. Hyukjae smiles. Donghae tries to stop himself from grinning; he fails. Ryeowook laughs. The other members, well, they nod in sync.
He has already told them a lot. He doesn’t feel like sharing it all.
Or he would have nothing left to tell Sungmin once they meet again later.
-END-