"It's like I'm going through stages of grief."
Well as many of you might have noticed I've chosen not to really post much on this drama. The main reason is best described by the above quote from Liz. "It's like I'm going through stages of grief."
An example from the web: www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition, and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.
DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then... try again.
ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."
BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition."
DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use."
ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
And my take on it...
Denial -
Like most of you, I went through a point where I kept saying to myself, "this isn't happening," or, "this will all work itself out soon enough." As well as some thoughts more exclusive to my side of the fence, "Ed can't be doing this," or, "sure he's a lying piece of shit but not this big and cocky of one." This stage was the easiest on face value, and lasted the longest of the passing stages. Naively, I still held on to the hope that this was just a passing thing to the point of saying, "Let's just wait till Monday, something like Tampa Theater can't just go away." How silly of me...
Anger -
Oh anger, this most energetic and focused of the stages. It seemed at first like shooting fish in a barrel to direct my anger, but to my surprise it just got easier. It started off with Ed, at the very least the accellerant of this oh so destructive fire, who presented himself like a shooting gallery duck. It was so beautiful, like an old Hanna Barbara cartoon where Dick Dastardly left a trail of oily foot prints away from one of the other Wacky Racers cars, but this was a totally different kind of dick and his sidekick was far less cute and likable than Muttly. No see, this pooch was much much uglier than that. The funny part was the fact that she, to her credit, had the balls to stand on Magilla Gorilla's car and brag about how much of a sneaky no-good-nick she had been. I use these cute little euphemisms and references to beloved cartoons because of the irony in them. In all actuallity I'm talking about a weaselly, lying, manipulative sack of shit who stabbed what could have been a life-long friend in the back and his deceptively evil, image-obsessed manipulator who seemed to be jealous of the negative attention and stood up to say, "Look at me! I'm a fuck face too, ya know!" I thought I was going to be screaming angry forever, due to the perpetrators themselves throwing more wood on the fire. What with counter accusations, pity trips out the wazoo, and a barrage of lies that would put John Lovitz's The Pathological Liar skit to shame. It would have to but then this would be "The 2 Stages of Grief," and it doesn't have the same impact does it. No but seriously, after a couple days and a long cell phone call unloading on Ed later, and I'm not so much angry, i just wouldn't pull them out of traffic.
Bargaining -
This was a short pitstop for me, but one that I know I saw a lot of others go through. I saw it when hanging out with disappointed potential cast members, I saw it on Live Journals of previous cast members who hadn't planned to participate this year due to other obligations, "What can I do?" "Let's make a petition!" or, "I'm gonna get people together and call the theater." In a very real way it was a display of love and hope for something that was much more than just an annual Rocky show. Sad as it is, for me this desperate optimism didn't last very long. In the beginning it was over-shadowed by lingering anger and the end by the onset of...
Depression -
Even though I wasn't going to be able to participate, it wasn't for lack of trying. The day we got the announcement that it was cancelled, only a couple of hours beforehand actually, me and Jess were discussing how I could possibly quit my job and have her find me another in a week or so to make it possible; in a sick way it's very fortunate that it did happen when it did. So needless to say, I was pretty torn up that first day, but it wasn't until later that I got really depressed about it. "What could make you more depressed than the show getting cancelled?" one might ask. It was hearing the stories of what this did to people I care about. Whether it be Cindy who had wanted to come back and break the mold she had cast for herself (as the best Janet ever) and show her stuff as Columbia in a new costume she had bought the material for already, or Traci who was forced to bow out after her first year as lead due to work obligations last year and was biting at the bit to tear up the stage again, or Andrella who had heard about the show for years and got to see it finally and was dying to finally get to be in it. See this stage is the big one for me. To me it's less about being mad at Ed for what he did, but being sad about what his plan has done to us. What it has taken from us. Rocky has had a serious effect on so many of us and Ed went as far as trying to take away all the joy of the weekly show, and now has literally destroyed the annual show. That loss is far more depressing than Ed's actions are infuriating. That show fucking rocked and there are 30+ cast members and more importantly 1400+ audience members who won't get that, possibly ever again, and that's fucking sad...
Acceptance -
I'll tell you when I get here...
Well, thats it. That's Chris's Stages of Grief Post, but before we go I wanna address one issue that I have almost found some humor in during all of this. That is the question about Ed's character, primarily his lying. I can say without a question in my mind that Ed is/was/will be the biggest liar I will ever know. He has lied about everything from corpses sitting up in his body pick-up van to reputations of my best friends, including their sexual habits, in front of dozens of people, all of whom were his "friends." Every time I think that I've seen the worst of him, he literally shocks the shit out of me!
I'm gonna go, try to cheer myself up and enjoy the rest of my night now...