Music of Life - Eleventh Movement
~人生の音楽 ♪~
~Jinsei no Ongaku~
Eleventh Movement: Surviving
“Go away,” a small voice whined from behind. At this, Keito immediately turned around, and he saw a scrunched up Yuto huddled in a corner of the music suite, his eyes red with tears.
A suffocating clench at his heart told Keito that he would never be able to obey the feeble command. He took a hesitant step forward, but Yuto shirked away, hugging his long, lanky body away even further.
“Yuto…” Keito breathed, taking another step.
The younger boy’s heart uncontrollably fluttered; its erratic beating beginning to take flight. “J-Just go away,” he insisted. I don’t want you doing this to me… it’ll just hurt so much more when you stop just to leave me again… when you forget about me, fail to notice me. You always just turn away to look at someone else. Someone who is never me… I’m never the one you’re thinking of when your mind drifts off. I know this. You will never see how much I care about you, how much my heart hurts to be near you but to never be the cause for your smiles…
“Keito… I can’t do this anymore… I can’t take it. I know I have to let go. I’m sorry for… for loving you. I shouldn’t have-” Yuto’s breath was cut off by the sudden collision of Keito’s warmth surrounding his body.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he murmured quietly.
But Yuto shook his head, pushing Keito away from his thin frame. “I-I can’t. Please, don’t do this to me. Just p-please, just go away,” he persisted, wrapping his own arms around him body, turning away to shield himself off from the older boy.
Keito frowned, eyes flooded with tenderness. “I can’t. I can’t just leave… I can’t just ignore your heart.”
Yuto stopped struggling to fight him off, his heart pounding at the sensation of the older boy’s shallow breath tickling the back of his neck, Keito’s strong arms wrapped around his vulnerable body. Even though Yuto had longed for this, craved to be held in Keito’s protection, and yearned for his love and warmth, Yuto pushed him away.
“I don’t want you to do this.. Don’t just pretend you care about me like this. I-I don’t want you to pretend… I’d rather you just be my fr-”
Keito interrupted Yuto’s word again, this time, with his lips pressing gently onto the corner of Yuto’s. He hadn’t planned on it, but Yuto was just mumbling so incoherently, he just…
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, burying his forehead into Yuto’s soft black hair. “But I don’t need to pretend. I wish I had seen you. I’m sorry I was too blind to take notice, too ignorant to open my heart to you. Will you ever forgive me?”
Yuto’s answer of silence made Keito’s heart fall. But before long, the frail body in his arms began to shiver and erupted with giggles. A shy smile appeared on the younger boy’s countenance, like the clouds parting to invite the warmth and glow of sunlight to return. Keito felt his body overcome with happiness and adoration for Yuto’s amusing little laugh.
“You’re asking me to forgive you?” Yuto murmured, his smiling eyes turned to meet Keito’s sincere gaze.
Keito nodded.
“Silly, of course, I always will,” Yuto nodded back. “I could never blame you.”
~~~~~
“What happened?!” two voices simultaneously crowded Ryutaro. Yuya and Chinen turned to each other, in surprise of their spontaneous harmony. But while Yuya merely laughed off the coincidence, Chinen flushed profusely and refused to turn and look at the older boy.
Ryutaro ignored this.
“I… fell down the stairs,” he admitted truthfully.
Yuya smiled, “Klutz.” He elbowed Ryutaro gently, making him stumble back a little on his crutches.
“Hey be careful,” Chinen pouted, helping to stabilize their injured friend.
Ryutaro laughed, “It’s alright, Chinen, I’m not completely helpless. But you really shouldn’t go around pushing people on crutches, YUYA.”
The older boy shrugged playfully.
~~~~~
Kota did everything he could to treat Hikaru like nothing had happened between them. He laughed, he joked, he smiled. But through it all, Hikaru only returned with a lonely nod. Don’t do this… please, Kota begged, but his plea were met with no relent.
At the end of class that day, Kota packed his instrument away in silence, sighing as he got up from his seat. Should I just give up? I don’t want to… I want our friendship back. Why can’t we just be friends again? I-I want us to be friends, but why won’t he let us? What am I doing wrong?
I can’t take this conflict, this tension between us. I want it to go away, what can I do? I feel so lost! What am I supposed to do?! I-”
“Kota?” a meek voice called out warily from behind him. The older boy turned around immediately, recognizing the voice without hesitation.
“Kei?” he instinctively answered, not yet snapping completely out of his thoughts that swirled around Hikaru.
“Kota, can I talk to you for a second?” he asked quietly.
“Hmm? Yeah, sure,” Kota answered inattentively, following Kei into a secluded practice room. As soon as they were alone, Kei took a deep breath and voiced the question that had been burning at his heart for almost too long now.
“Do you love me?”
Kota’s mind flooded with even more questions in a confused haze. “Wh-why are you even asking me this?” he wondered nervously. “You don’t need to! Of course I love you; I’ve told you this before innumerable times. What’s wrong?” he murmured softly, worriedly.
Kei sighed. “I just- it just feels like you’ve been avoiding me…” he admitted dejectedly. “I mean, if it’s what you want, then maybe we should let us go. If it’s not going to work out, keeping us bonded like this.. you don’t realize, do you?… It hurts me.
“If you don’t love me, just tell me, don’t keep me guessing, don’t force me to wait for you here in torturous longing. Tell me to leave, tell me you don’t want me, tell me goodbye. Don’t just throw me aside. Tell me you don’t want me, just tell me-”
“Kei, what are you talking about?!” Kota burst out frantically, halting his love from continuing any further. “Please, stop talking about us like that… l-like we’re over. We’re not, aren’t we?” he gently placed his hand on Kei’s shoulder in order to get the younger boy to look properly up into his eyes, to meet his gaze.
To Kota’s horror, Kei refused to comply to his wishes, shaking Kota’s grip off his shoulder, lowering his eyes even further to the floor, casting them in shadows of doubt and despair.
“Aren’t we?” he murmured softly, his voice setting sharp contrast to Kota’s.
The older boy stumbled back in shock. “Wh-what? Wh-why are you asking? What’s wrong? What’s happened?” he immediately asked, searching for an explanation.
“You have been avoiding me lately, haven’t you? I’ve tried calling so many times, but you never answer. I’ve tried sending you so many messages, but you never reply. I’ve tried grabbing your attention so many times, but you never return my yearning. You don’t want to talk to me anymore, Kota? You don’t want to look at me anymore?
“No matter how I try to make excuses for you, to explain your unfamiliar indifference, I can’t think of any other reason.
“You must not love me anymore…”
“No! That’s not-”
Kei stopped him. “It’s okay, you don’t have to lie to me… this is about Hikaru, isn’t it?”
Kota’s eyes widened hearing the other boy’s name, his gaze flitted away for a brief second before turning back to his boyfriend.
“I saw that,” Kei muttered bitterly. “It is about him… I see the way you smile at him, Kota, it’s different from the way you smile at me. I see the way he gazes at you, practically out of longing. It’s so obvious, he likes you, doesn’t he?”
Kota knew he couldn’t bear to lie. “…Yes, b-but I-”
“Then you should go be with him, not me. You should leave me, before… b-before you smother my heart any further. I-I can’t let you keep doing this to me, treating me like garbage. You-you’re killing me inside, and you don’t even care a- nnghh…”
Kei moaned softly as Kota crashed their lips together, effectively shutting up the younger boy before he could spurt out any more nonsense. Initial shock inundated Kei’s mind, but once he recognized Kota’s lips were pushed softly against his own, his thoughts began to remonstrate, crying for help, for some sort of explanation.
He was confused, lost, helpless. But he didn’t want it any other way. Kota’s lips were so familiar to his own; he could never imagine himself claiming anyone else’s but his.
Kota wrapped his arms around his thin frame, slowly lifting away from the kiss. Kei gasped softly as Kota’s lips ghosted away.
“Don’t leave me…” he murmured, conflicting thoughts bombarding his mind. He so desperately wanted to pull away, to not let his vulnerability reveal itself so easily to the older boy that had broken his heart. But still…
“Does this mean you believe me?” Kota smiled softly, poking his boyfriend’s nose tenderly. “You’re so fickle, Kei… But it’s part of why I love you. I truly do. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine.”
“But what about Hikaru?” Kei bit his lip, hesitant to trust Kota’s words.
“Hikaru… he’s just a friend to me, you believe me, don’t you?”
Kei nodded, but his eyes shifted slightly, breaking from Kota’s gaze. He didn’t even know what, he simply frowned when Kota reached his arm around his shoulders and kissed his hair. “Don’t you…?”
~~~
A/N: arghh I want to assassinate my internet for making me miss daiki's birthday!! >< I'm so mad right now! :( But before I can even post his birthday chapter, I gotta post this one first *points* I hope it's alright to keep off from the Daiki-ness for just a little longer... i hope. =___= But it's coming, I promise!! *bows profusely to Dai-chan* and sorry for making everyone wait! I hope I don't disappoint you too bad with this chapter.. ><