Music of Life - Thirteenth Movement

[ayang902]

~人生の音楽 ♪~
~Jinsei no Ongaku~

Thirteenth Movement: Lips



“You believe me, don’t you…?” Kei bit his lip nervously as Kota’s words resounded hauntingly in his mind. He so desperately wanted to believe in his boyfriend, but deep down, he had a suspicion that even Kota himself did not.

Why can’t I believe you? There’s no real reason for me not to… I just- it just seems like something’s wrong. Something’s changed. Something’s there, between us. Blocking me from you. Or is it blocking you from me? Kei thought for a moment, but then sighed, throwing himself, stretched out onto his own soft bedcovers.

It doesn’t really matter… What matters is that there is something there.. and it doesn’t even seem like you want to admit it. Your kiss.. it was forced, wasn’t it? There was no care, no tenderness, no love in your touch. You merely touched your face to mine. As blunt as that sounds… that’s all you did.

You’ve never done it before.

Will you ever do it again?

~~~~~

A gentle knocking on the door of the practice room drew Hikaru’s attention away from his playing. He had been working on a difficult passage in a solo piece for almost half an hour now, but the notes just seemed to come out erroneously from his sax. He didn’t know why, but even though he had been toiling and frustrated for so long, simply seeing Kota at the door still made him smile.

But a split second after the smile had appeared, it vanished. Kota frowned slightly, but ignored the immediate change in Hikaru’s expression.

“What are you doing in here at lunch?” Kota inquired casually, still trying hopefully to mend his relationship with the younger boy.

“Practicing,” he replied stiffly.

Kota laughed hollowly. “I can see that, but why? You don’t need to practice at lunch; practice at home. You should go eat something, Hikaru, or else you’ll run out of energy by the end of the day,” he urged, overtly revealing his concern for his so-wanted friend.

“I’m fine,” Hikaru answered stolidly once more. “I don’t have time to practice at home, so I need to practice here.”

“Are you having trouble with anything? I could help you,” Kota offered kindly.

Hikaru froze, he knew he wanted to say yes, but he couldn’t. If he did, he was be practically asking Kota to stay with him and spend lunch with him and talk with him and just be around him for too long. One period a day was torture enough.

He shook his head, not opening his lips for fear of his wants overpowering his needs. He needed Kota to just stay away, to leave. He just needed some time alone.

“Well, let me hear you play,” Kota insisted, stepping into the room. He was defiantly inviting himself inside, not willing to lose his chance to be alone with Hikaru.

“I…”

Kota smiled encouragingly, trying to stop Hikaru from objecting. “Come on, just a couple bars? I promise I won’t judge you. I will never hold any negative thoughts toward you, you should know.”

That’s not what I’m worried about… I more worried about what will happen to my thoughts toward you… Hikaru bit his lip, but then let go of his misgivings and decided to just play. Maybe he’d get lucky and Kota would then be unable to find any more reasons to stay.

He placed his lips onto the ligature, his embouchure set to play. Here we go... He almost forgot to breathe. As the notes trailed out from the bell of his sax, it was clear that he had indeed been practicing. The beginning measures were near-perfect, however once he passed the first theme, the notes began to jumble. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to play, his fingers just didn’t seem to know what keys to press.

Once he had stopped, Kota smiled gently. “That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

“It was,” Hikaru grimaced, his gaze downcast in embarrassment.

“I liked it,” Kota nodded. “I could hear your hard work being embodied through your music. It was inspiring.”

Hikaru sniffed slightly, still looking away.

“If you want, I could help you with the middle section a little,” he offered once more.”

Hikaru was silent. Again, faced with conflict between what he wanted and what he couldn’t have.

“Please, let me help you,” Kota pleaded softly. “If not even as a friend, then just merely as a section leader. Let me show you I can be worth something to you.” His voice was weak, his eyes insistent.

Silence reigned the next seconds, minutes, what seemed like hours, before Hikaru finally broke its sovereignty.

“You are worth something to me, Kota.” The words came as a muddled whisper, an unspoken secret that did not wish to be revealed. “You’re worth everything in the world to me. I’m just not worth anything to you.”

“Hikaru…”

“No, you shouldn’t deny it. It’s the truth. I’m worthless to you. I’m nothing in your eyes. You see me as a follower, or an admirer, even. But beyond that, I am nothing.”

“Don’t…”

“Please, Kota, just leave me. I don’t want to be around you any more… it hurts to admit my worthlessness, and every time I even see you.. it reminds me of my shame. Please, just go away. Go away, or I will.” Hikaru stood up painfully, his heart ripping, having said those last words. He brushed past the dumbstruck Kota and reached out his arm for the door handle, desperate to abscond before the older boy could find words to intervene.

But it wasn’t words that stopped him.

Kota’s grip landed onto his hand, his fingers wrapped around his wrist, preventing him from turning the handle. “Stop lying to yourself.” He stated forcedly. “If you didn’t mean anything to me, I wouldn’t be here, right now. I wouldn’t have been thinking about you all last night. I wouldn’t have wanted to be your friend all the years I’ve known you.”

“I know you are my friend, Kota, but really, I don’t care anymore..” Hikaru shook off the grasp on his hand. “I was never really a friend to you both, anyway. I was always the one left out, the one that was never included. We sat together during lunch, talked together during class, even hung out together after school. But there was that barrier there. There was something between us. Between the two of you and me. I could never relate. I could never be a part of your heart the same way Kei was. But I held onto whatever tiny corner I could. I had hoped that one day, I could win over more, but I guess I was too greedy in my dreams.”

Without taking another look into Kota’s horrified eyes, Hikaru turned back to reach at the door handle, begging in his mind for Kota to not stop him. Or did he actually want him to stop him?

But Hikaru had no choice regardless. Within the next second, Kota threw himself, stretched out, in front of the door, his arms outspread and his body blocking the exit.

“Have you really… really been suffering all this time?” he murmured quietly, his eyes searching frantically to meet Hikaru’s.

“I…” Hikaru felt his chin being lifted up by Kota’s soft touch, until their gazes did meet, the sight of Kota’s worry for him stealing the words from his lips.

The lack of an answer meant only one thing. “I’m sorry,” Kota breathed; leaning in, he captured Hikaru’s lips in a deep kiss. His mind was no longer in control of his body; he just knew he needed what he wanted. And what he wanted was his lips.

~~~~~

“I didn’t know you played piano,” a little voice sounded from behind Kei. He turned, stopping his music abruptly to see the young Yuri Chinen standing at the doorway of his practice room.

“Yeah, ever since I was a kid,” he smiled softly. He didn’t want to send the little boy away, but really, Kei wasn’t in the mood to entertain his trivial questions. He had too many other thoughts on his mind.

Chinen’s eyes shifted slightly, trying to find something better to say. “It sounded… angry.. the song you were playing,” he mumbled shyly. “Is that how you’re feeling.. angry?”

Kei blinked, he hadn’t even paid attention to what keys his fingers had been striking. Thinking back, he realized what song his hands had subconsciously chosen to play. “The first movement of Beethoven’s Sonata Pathetique…” he murmured to himself in realization. Why was I playing that song.. it’s been so long since I had last seen the music, but the notes, they somehow just came to me…

“Are you feeling okay?” Chinen questioned timidly, his voice strained with what sounded strangely like worry.

Kei nodded slowly. “It’s nothing,” he answered in a whisper. Looking up so that their gazes met, the older boy saw the fear in Chinen’s eyes and immediately tried to lighten the mood. “What about you, Yuri, do you play?” he asked lightheartedly.

Chinen’s cheeks tinged pink at the question, the topic of the conversation now turned towards himself. “No… I wish I could, though.”

“Do you want to try playing something?” Kei urged him with a smile.

The younger boy’s eyes lit with excitement. “Sure!” he grinned.

“Come on,” Kei nodded, scooting over and patting the seat on the piano bench beside him, indicating for Chinen to sit down. He followed obediently, putting his hands gingerly in his lap, not sure of how Kei would help him play. “You see this key? This key is treble C. So from here, three notes down is G, and then one up is A, two down from there is F, then one up to go back to G. Did you catch all that?” Kei laughed sheepishly.

“Like this?” Chinen played the notes in the order Kei had described.

Kei smiled. “Good job, you catch on pretty quick,” he patted Chinen, ruffling his hair gently. “Now, when I say ‘start’, I want you to play even quarter notes, and play eight Cs, and four of all the rest of the notes. Then just repeat the theme over and over again, alright?”

Chinen nodded, placing his left hand onto the keys in preparation to play.

“I’ll start after your first four notes, so don’t be surprised when I come in with the melody, okay?” He watched as the little boy nodded once more, before scooting a little closer to Chinen so that he could reach the correct keys a mere octave above. Kei flexed his slender fingers slightly as he placed his right hand onto the piano as well. Unsure of where to put his other hand, he merely lowered it down between their two bodies, but his fingers pulled back as soon as they made contact with the little boy’s, whose unused hand was also conveniently placed between them.

“S-Sorry,” Chinen apologized quickly.

“I-It’s okay,” Kei looked away. “Just start,” he stated.

Chinen nodded slowly, his fingers trembling as the first few notes resounded from the keys. Before long, Kei joined in, and everything seemed to fall into place. The melody painted a vivid scene before Chinen’s mind’s eye, and his lips curled into an awestruck smile. The feeling of playing with one another, their music intertwining, their hands and hearts moved as one, it invigorated both of their souls.

“You sure you’ve never played before?” Kei asked kindly as the song tapered off to an end.

“I never have… Was it all right?” Chinen inquired meekly.

“It was.. beautiful,” Kei smiled.

“Just like you,” one of their voices whispered softly.