changing fate - chapter one
changing fate
chapter 1: facing reality
“Ryo, I can’t do this anymore… I can’t stand it… being your secret.”
Ryo felt his heart clench, the pain unbearable; he could never stand to hear Tegoshi cry. But just like that, tears began rolling down from his friend’s reddening eyes. Ryo could feel the droplets burning into the back of his neck where Tegoshi had buried his face; the younger boy’s arms were wrapped around Ryo, hugging him from behind.
“I want to love you, Ryo. Really, I do. It’s just… I can’t take it. Having to hide myself from the world whenever I’m with you… like you’re ashamed of loving me… This isn’t what I want.”
“I’m not ashamed, Tego, it’s just…” He was powerless in Tegoshi’s arms.
“I know, I know, it’s because we’re Johnny’s. It’s because our careers would be trashed if anyone found out. But still… this feeling of being suppressed like this… I can’t help but think… Is it really that humiliating to be with me?”
“Of course not… Tego-”
“This isn’t what I want,” Tegoshi repeated, his words hardening as the tears began to carve fresh trails down his cheeks. “If it’s such a shame for us to be together… Ryo, maybe we just shouldn’t.”
~~
“YES!” Tegoshi pumped his fist into the air, his triumphant smile glowing with excitement. “Look! I got second place! I even beat Massu!” He grinned, pointing proudly to the computer screen.
“Hey, what’s this all about beating me?” Standing beside him, Massu raised an eyebrow suspiciously, bending over to look more closely at where Tegoshi’s finger was indicating.
“Yeah, what are you even talking about?” Ryo asked from across the room curiously, haphazardly putting down the magazine he had been skimming through and making his way over to join Massu in studying the screen of Tegoshi’s laptop. Even though the youngest boy had just broken up with him, Ryo just simply couldn’t resist the urge to find any excuse to be around him.
It took a couple seconds of staring at numbers and rankings before Ryo realized the screen was displaying the results from a recent poll taken regarding who the voters thought was the best young singer in JE. Not so surprisingly, Ohno had taken first place.
“Of course it’d be Arashi…” Massu smiled.
“And if you had to pick the best singer out of them, Ohno is the one that comes to mind…” Ryo stated flatly, noticing that to his annoyance, his own name failed to appear in the top ten.
“I’m not talking about first place, look under it!” Tegoshi persisted, his voice turning to a whine as he realized his friends had missed his point. Following dutifully, Massu and Ryo’s gazes drifted downward to the second place spot.
“Tegoshi Yuya!” Tegoshi read aloud, his voice loud and resonant with pride.
“That’s great,” Ryo patted him gently on the shoulder, trying to sound as encouraging as possible. “Oh look, Massu, you got third. Good job,” he added, turning to his other friend who shrugged upon receiving such compliment.
“But not as good as me!” Tegoshi smiled, his eyes sparkling with joy.
Massu frowned slightly, but not from jealousy as Tegoshi immediately assumed. “I thought you always told me you didn’t care. You didn’t take other’s opinions of you to heart. I didn’t know you thought we were in some sort of competition, Tego,” Massu murmured quietly.
“I mean, it’s not like I care that much… it’s just nice to know,” Tegoshi replied lightheartedly.
Ryo took one look at Massu and understood that something was wrong. His friend was looking downright… disappointed. But something told him it wasn’t because of his ranking.
~~
Ryo forced a smile as he stepped out of the recording studio into the chilly winter evening. “Good job today,” he nodded casually.
“Thanks,” Tegoshi smiled back cheerfully, the warmth of his breath forming white puffs in the icy air. “You too, I thought you sang really well today, too,” he continued. “You really sound good on the harmonies.”
“Really?” Ryo laughed lightly. “I don’t think I can compare to you, though.” He couldn’t help it, praising his friend. Tegoshi was just so… precious to him. He only wished he could find the proper words to express his true feelings to him, to tell him how much their relationship had meant to him. But without words, only actions could suffice.
Tegoshi blushed in happiness, his smile only widening further as he felt Ryo’s hand graze against his own, and in one swift motion, he intertwined their fingers. Their steps fell into synchrony, and for minutes, they simply enjoyed each other’s warmth. There was no need for words.
“Ryo, wait…” Tegoshi broke the stillness abruptly. “Shouldn’t you have turned down that street back there? We don’t exactly live near each other…” His hand slipped out of Ryo’s grasp as he stopped in his tracks, not wanting to deter his friend from getting home any longer in the cold.
“I’m walking you home today, don’t worry,” Ryo ruffled Tegoshi’s blonde curls amusedly. “Unless you want me to leave,” he added apprehensively.
“No, of course not!” Tegoshi assured, insisting, “I want you to stay with me, always.” His answer faded to a soft murmur as he confessed the truth.
“Then don’t ever let me go,” Ryo smiled softly, sadness drowning his heart, as he knew it was already too late. But even so, he wrapped his fingers back around Tegoshi’s. Their steps soon began to fall back into line, their breaths forming white clouds of mist in the air as they walked on in the quiet night.
Breaking the silence, Tegoshi murmured quietly, “Ryo, I can’t… I can’t let you go.”
Ryo smiled wryly, the pain ripping at his chest. “You already have, Tego. This morning, you… you ended us.”
Tegoshi sighed, “I don’t want to let you go…”
Ryo’s gaze dropped down to their hands as Tegoshi gave his palm a light squeeze, the sensation all too familiar. They were still holding to one another, but Ryo knew that by now, the warmth was meaningless.
“We… We should change the subject,” Tegoshi insisted, his eyes already beginning to reflect regret. But with all his strength, he resisted the instinct of guilt. “Ryo, don’t you… don’t you think I… I deserve to sing more?”
Ryo turned, surprised at the troubled expression marring his friend’s beautiful features. He had expected to see some form of sadness, like the remorse he had distinctly heard in his friend’s voice earlier, but this was something different.
Without a reply, Tegoshi frowned, wondering if his question had been posed too directly. But he had to change the subject; he had to stay strong. “Being the second best singer in JE…” He continued, reasoning hesitantly. “Yet I don’t feel like I get to sing enough. Shouldn’t I get to sing more since I can sing… better? Not that I’m trying to be offensive or anything… but shouldn’t that make sense?”
“Tego…” Ryo stopped, seeing that they had reached their destination. Wordlessly, he walked Tegoshi up to his front steps. He was still trying to sort out in his mind what Tegoshi was truly thinking, pulling this topic from out of the blue, and how he should properly answer Tegoshi’s difficult questions without insulting any of his fellow group mates in NEWS. For a moment, neither spoke, the silence hovered callously in what seemed to be frozen time. His mind still searching for an answer, Ryo resorted to submitting to instinct. There was only one way for him to show Tegoshi how he himself was truly feeling on the inside. Leaning in gradually with one hand caressing the younger boy’s pink cheek, and the other touching his waist softly, Ryo kissed Tegoshi gently on the lips, avoiding having to reply.
After what seemed like hours had passed, Ryo slowly pulled away from the kiss, touching their foreheads together, so close, that even with both their eyes closed, they could still feel their breaths colliding between them. Tegoshi was powerless to fight back, he had become lifeless at Ryo’s touch.
“Just promise me… you won’t let this second-best-singer label get to your head…” He whispered.
~~
“GET ME SOME WATER!”
Ryo jumped at the yelled request; he was just seconds away from opening the door behind which he had heard the shout come. His hand was already resting on the handle, but he was now apprehensive of going inside.
“HURRY UP!”
Ryo winced, hearing the shouts continue as he finally gripped onto the courage to turn the handle. But as soon as began to do so, the door burst open from his fingers, and a flustered staff member hurried out, pushing Ryo out of the way as he made his exit, muttering bitterly with stifled anger. Hoping he wasn’t about to walk in on some huge argument or punishing lecture, Ryo nodded feebly as he entered inside the recording studio, in an effort to make a strained, unsolicited greeting to whomever was left in the room. To his surprise, however, there was only one person there.
“Ryo!” Tegoshi smiled widely upon seeing him walk in so timidly. He greeted him warmly with a cheery “Good morning!”
Ryo answered halfheartedly, “Good morning…” He wasn’t sure what was going on, but it just seemed… it seemed like Tegoshi was going to just pretend like absolutely nothing had ever happened between them. Ryo knew to respect his wishes, and ignored the pain, now becoming chronic, gnawing at his heart. Holding back all emotion from his voice, he addressed his friend. “Tegoshi, was that you just now?”
“Me?” Tegoshi inquired innocently, “doing what?”
Ryo wondered, “Yelling…?” His mind was hesitant to assume his friend was really the one making a riot over simply getting a drink.
Tegoshi let out a light, airy giggle. “I wasn’t yelling, Ryo. I was just merely asking the staff to get me some water so I could better practice my singing. You can’t sing well when your throat is dry, even I can’t do that,” he giggled again. But seeing as Ryo’s expression remained unconvinced, Tegoshi continued to reason, “Yamapi has said recently that my voice is starting to get louder… so much so that he laughed at me, telling me I was so loud that he had overheard me talking on the phone!” he paused, pouting at the memory of his friend’s mockery. Shaking the recollection out of his mind, Tegoshi merely smiled and continued. “You probably just thought it sounded like I was yelling, even though I didn’t mean to.”
“Oh, right,” Ryo nodded, outwardly agreeing to Tegoshi’s excuses. But to his discomfort, Tegoshi’s yells were echoing and reverberating off the walls of his mind, as if to prove to him that the rudeness of the tone with which they were shouted couldn’t possibly have been just a mere request.
“So Ryo, do you want to hear me sing? You want to, right? Wait just a moment, and just sit down for now,” Tegoshi rushed, pushing Ryo down into a nearby seat. “I’m going to go find the staff to help me get the recording studio set up.”
“What happened to all the people that were in here before? Usually there are a couple staff members in the room already by the time they let us in…” Ryo questioned warily.
“Oh, well, I sent them all off to fetch me some things, but I’m sure they’re already on their way back, so I’ll just go find them now and tell them to hurry up,” Tegoshi shrugged, and closed the door behind him as he stepped out of the room.
Ryo was rendered speechless. This didn’t sound like Tegoshi at all. This bossy self-assured man was nothing like the kind-hearted, insecure boy he had met all those years ago when he had asked him who the hell he was.
This, was someone else.
“WHAT! NO! I don’t want to take a break! Just let me sing, RIGHT NOW.”
Ryo snapped out of his worried thoughts at the sounds of even more yelling. The volume of Tegoshi’s shouts seemed to have escalated even further, as Ryo poked his head out the doorway, but saw absolutely no one in the hall. He wondered fearfully just how far away Tegoshi’s voice was managing to travel.
“NO! You listen to ME! I want to sing now! If you don’t let me sing, I’m never going to sing for JE again!”
Ryo’s eyes widened, hearing Tegoshi’s threats to quit. He can’t be serious… This has gone too far… He shook his head shamefully, too startled by his friend’s uncharacteristic anger. He didn’t know what to do. At this point, he knew he didn’t even have anything he could do. He had nothing to do with Tegoshi anymore. They were nothing… just friends. No matter how much he didn’t want to accept it, reality slowly began to sink in. Helpless, he slammed his back against the door, his head drooping forward limply as he let himself slide slowly down to the floor, his body hunched over. Ryo stared at his legs outstretched in front of him, wishing desperately for them to carry him, running, away, far away from this alien of his friend, but he had no where to run.
How could he run from reality?
~~
“Ryo, open your eyes,” a gentle voice pleaded softly.
Reluctantly, Ryo complied. With a strained grunt, he wrenched open his heavy eyelids, flooding his vision with blurring colors and streams of light. All of a sudden, he realized, he was no longer slumped inside the doorway of the recording studio, he was sprawled across the floor. A pair of strong arms was lifting him over to the nearest sofa and helping him settle down in it.
It was Koyama and Shige.
“Are you all right?” Koyama asked, his voice remaining as gentle as before. “What happened?”
“I…” Ryo tried to unearth the answer from his memories, but they had buried themselves too deep for him to recall. “I don’t know,” was all he could admit wearily.
“Do you know how long you’ve been here?” Shige asked, managing to keep his voice as soft as Koyama’s.
“Well…” Ryo wracked his mind, searching for the memory. “I met Tegoshi here around ten in the morning, I think…” he replied uncertainly.
“Tegoshi?” Koyama’s eyebrows furrowed and Shige frowned.
“Yeah, and he said he wanted me to hear him sing, so I was waiting here for him to come back…” Ryo narrowed his eyes, the memories slowly unfolding themselves within his mind.
“Wait a second… who?” Shige questioned, his expression beginning to fill with concern as he and Koyama exchanged nervous glances.
Ryo stated hesitantly, “Tegoshi…” wondering why Koyama’s eyes had suddenly widened with worry. “You know, the youngest of the six of us, sings crazily well, and looks pretty enough to pass as a girl? Tegoshi Yuya?” he tried elaborating, but to no avail.
“Ryo, what are you talking about?” Shige questioned, outright confused. “There are only five of us in NEWS. I’m the youngest, and personally, I really don’t think I’m pretty enough to pass as a girl…” He raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right?” he repeated his earlier question.
Ryo’s mind blanked. “What do you mean there’s only five of us?” he asked bewilderedly, in disbelief that the two of them had really forgotten about Tegoshi. “What are you talking about? Where’s Tegoshi?”
“Who is this Tegoshi person you keep talking about?” Out of frustration, Shige’s gentle tone had morphed into that of a stern statement rather than a question. “You probably hit your head, which is why you were passed out. Why don’t you rest for a bit, we’ll get you some ice for your head, and then maybe you’ll feel better and stop talking nonsense…”
“Where’s Tegoshi?” Ryo repeated, as if clinging onto those two words would rescue him from this looming nightmare.
“There is no Tegoshi.” Koyama tried his best to keep his voice from sounding hurtfully blatant. “There has never been a Tegoshi. He doesn’t exist, Ryo.”