changing fate - chapter two
changing fate
chapter two: crazy for you
During rehearsal that day, Ryo couldn’t think straight. Heck, he couldn’t even walk straight. In the middle of practicing the dance for “Happy Birthday”, their newest single, he ended up bumping right into Yamapi and elbowing Koyama painfully in the side, right before tumbling down to the ground, tripping over Shige’s feet and landing straight on Massu. By the end of the day, everyone was sore and bruised, but it wasn’t from just plain dancing.
“Ryo, what’s wrong with you today?” Yamapi asked suspiciously.
Ryo sighed; he had little hope that anyone would remember Tegoshi. Even when he asked Massu, the younger boy had gone silent and merely stared at him as if he was crazy. Maybe Ryo really had gone crazy, but why could no one else remember?
Biting his lip, Ryo decided to try a different approach. “How many people are in NEWS?” he asked cautiously.
“Five…” Yamapi was beginning to stare at him with that have-you-gone-crazy? look.
Realizing he had already lost the battle, Ryo’s gaze dropped down to the ground and he sighed again. A little too loudly.
“What’s wrong with that?” Yamapi questioned.
Lifting his eyes slowly, he asked a hopeless, feeble question. “Where’s Tegoshi?” Ryo’s voice trembled as tears began to form in the corners of his eyes.
“Who?” Yamapi asked, clueless as to what was going on.
Ryo swallowed his screams, his throat burning dry as he muttered, “Never mind.”
~~
Just barely managing to make it through to the end of rehearsal, Ryo even made up an excuse to leave early, saying he had a Kanjani8 PV shooting to get to. Stepping out into the street, his body immediately shivered at encountering the gusting frozen wind. Freshly fallen snow crunched under his shoes, the icy moisture penetrating to his feet. But he didn’t care.
He just wanted to scream. Out of frustration, out of anger, just anything. He just wanted to let it all out in a single instant, so that maybe even afterward, he could clear his mind and forget this day had ever happened. He wanted to, but he couldn’t.
Instead, he cried.
It wasn’t what Ryo wanted, but he was beginning to understand that the world seemed bent on giving him purely that - everything he never wanted.
At first, only one teardrop fell, and he quickly wiped it away. But then, one more fell, two more, and before he knew it, tears were streaming from his eyes before he even realized they had fallen. It was too late to wipe them now.
Collapsing down to his knees, the snow swallowed the warmth from his legs as he immersed into the melting ice. Even though Tegoshi had lately seemed more… arrogant than before, he was still the Tegoshi that had managed to steal Ryo’s heart, wasn’t he? But now, was he really no longer here to claim it? Ryo refused to believe the truth. Absentmindedly, he began tracing Tegoshi’s name in the snow, trembling from the freezing temperature of the white powder now biting his fingertips. Over and over again, he etched the words into the white earth, fabricating his own proof of the younger boy’s existence. He can’t be gone… he just can’t.
Ryo clenched his fist, destroying the last few letters in Tegoshi’s carved name. The handful of white snow was now melting at his touch. It was as if nothing could remain forever.
“Excuse me?” a familiar voice inquired timidly.
Ryo looked up to see by whom he had been addressed, only to find himself staring at “Tegoshi!” he exclaimed in disbelief, his voice wavering but unable to hide his utter shock. There, right before him, stood his friend. His thin frame was bundled up in a heavy, blue woolen coat, a soft checkered scarf wrapped around his neck. Just by looking at him from afar, Ryo could never have guessed anything had ever happened. But still, the younger boy had changed. His hair had strangely been dyed back to black, straightened and cut short; his eyes had lost their familiar gleam of cheerfulness, and the air or arrogance had completely vanished. It was like meeting Tegoshi for the first time a second time.
Mirroring Ryo’s expression of complete disbelief, the boy looked equally surprised by Ryo. “Do I know you?” he asked curiously. “You seem to know me…” he pointed at the snowy remains of Ryo’s scrawled writing.
“You don’t recognize me?” Ryo practically choked on his words.
Tegoshi frowned slightly but shook his head. “Should I?”
“It’s me, Ryo… Ryo Nishikido? Don’t you remember me?” His voice cracked as the questions formed on his lips; he feared what Tegoshi’s answer would be. He had never been so scared in his life. All the confidence drained from his body. Here he was, standing right in front of the boy he loved, and Tegoshi didn’t even know his name.
“Ryo…” Tegoshi repeated back slowly, letting the single syllable roll off his tongue, as if tasting the name for the first time. “Oh! You’re in that singing group… Kan-something? Like the one from Osaka? Wow, that means you must be famous!”
Ryo felt his chest tighten as his heart sank in terrifying disappointment. “K-Kanjani8? Yeah, I’m in that one… And I am from Osaka. But I’m also in NEWS… doesn’t that ring a bell?” he asked hopefully, trying one last time to wake Tegoshi up from the dreamed daze he was ensnared in.
Tegoshi scrunched his nose, as if in deep thought. “Oh… I think one of my friends really likes that group, and she’s told me about them before. You’re in that one too? That’s really cool!”
“Yeah… it’s really c-cool…” Ryo felt the tears welling in his eyes once more.
“So wait… how do you know me again? I wasn’t aware I was friends with any famous people,” Tegoshi giggled, as if the thought amused him.
Just at that, Ryo felt his inner tensions dissolving. Tegoshi’s familiar laugh eased his mind, comforting him, even in his living nightmare.
“Tegoshi…”
“Hmm?” The younger boy smiled, making Ryo’s heart throb painfully, reminiscent at the sight. It was one of the things he loved about Tegoshi, his beautiful smile. Ryo gazed longingly at his lips, wishing desperately to claim them by kissing Tegoshi right then and there, to convince himself that the younger boy truly was here, that he truly did exist. But something was wrong. This Tegoshi truly was there, but was he still the same Tegoshi?
Nevertheless, Ryo couldn’t help himself from casting his wish. He was desperate.
“Tegoshi was a friend of mine…” Ryo murmured hesitantly, unable to tear his eyes away from Tegoshi’s dazzling smile.
“Was?” Tegoshi cocked his head to the side, pouting slightly as he noticed Ryo’s strange wording.
Ryo couldn’t hold it in any longer, the tears began to pour out, seeing Tegoshi act so adorable… he was right there, before him… but why? Why was Tegoshi not here?
“H-He d-disappeared,” Ryo stammered, hating himself for bursting into tears in front of this Tegoshi.
For a second, Tegoshi seemed to freeze, not knowing how to react. But then, to Ryo’s surprise, Tegoshi found himself enveloping the older boy’s shaking body in a warm embrace, allowing Ryo to cry into his shoulder, his tears staining Tegoshi’s thick coat.
“It’ll be okay…” Tegoshi murmured, his voice low and comforting. Hearing his familiar gentle whisper made Ryo’s chest tighten, his arms instinctively pulling Tegoshi’s body closer to his own, cherishing what little time he could hold the younger boy in his warmth for one final hug, one final grasp at stability before submitting to nightmare.
“I’m sorry,” Ryo whispered, his words stifled with tears.
“Don’t be,” Tegoshi answered softly, pulling away from the embrace to wipe away the fresh tears trailing down from Ryo’s eyes. The warmth from his fingers left behind traces of their touch on Ryo’s cold cheeks, leaving Ryo craving with desire for more.
“He must have been really important to you. Don’t be ashamed to cry,” Tegoshi smiled warmly, trying to assure Ryo that everything was going to be okay.
In reality, he was wrong.
~~
It had been days. Ryo hadn’t seen Tegoshi in days. He yearned to barge straight through Tegoshi’s front door and pull the younger boy into his arms, but he couldn’t. He had to struggle to restrain himself from doing something so reckless. Even if Tegoshi didn’t immediately kick him out, he would never let Ryo near him again, and Ryo knew he would never be able to bear it if that happened.
Luckily, NEWS activities would soon come to a close, as Yamapi was going off on his solo career and Kanjani8 was scheduled to release another single. Ryo was just relieved he wouldn’t have to stand in a room with the other four members, staring at the emptiness that would have been Tegoshi. Instead, he plastered on a fake smile, greeting the staff with a polite “Good morning,” as he stepped into the control room of the studio where they were about to record for the newest Kanjani8 single “Musekinin Hero”.
“Hey Ryo!” Hina waved at him, a crooked grin spread across his face.
“Hey,” Ryo answered, trying his best to wave back happily. “Yasu!” he smiled at the other Kanjani8 member in the room. The others must have been scheduled to come in at different times.
“Yo Ryo! How’ve you been?” Yasu greeted energetically.
Ryo only wished he could possess the same energy as his friend. “Tired,” he admitted. “We just barely have started wrapping up our promos for Happy Birthday, and I was dragged over here to prepare for another release!” he laughed lightly.
Hina put an arm around Ryo’s shoulders, shaking him roughly in his own form of brotherly comfort. “It’ll be okay, Ryo. I’m sure you’ll get through this; you always do,” he flashed him a crooked smile. “Just try to get more sleep, all right?”
Ryo nodded, thanking Hina for his reassurance.
“Mr. Murakami, could you come here for a second? We need to verify some details with you before you begin recording,” the staff called from within the live room.
“Coming!” Hina replied, giving Ryo one last pat on the back before heading off in the direction of the call.
Ryo sighed as soon as Hina left, plopping himself down on the small couch across from the sound board. It wasn’t very comfortable, but he just wanted to sit down. Putting on a front of happiness when he was really feeling absolutely miserable on the inside drained him of all energy. Burying his head into his hands, he had completely forgotten about Yasu’s presence.
“Ryo?” came his friend’s gentle inquiry. He wasn’t foolish enough to disregard Ryo’s sudden display of exhaustion.
“Hmm?” He lifted his head out of his hands at the sound of his name being spoken so softly. “Oh, hey Yasu! I totally forgot you were here… Sorry about ignoring you… Wow, I must really be tired,” he sighed, his smile filled with false exuberance. “So, what’ve you been up to recently? Write any more of those awesome songs of yours?” Ryo tried to strike up casual conversation like nothing had happened. If it was any one else, they would have given up at that, not bothering to think too much about Ryo’s somewhat odd behavior. But this was Yasu. He wasn’t as easily distracted. At least, not when it came to something as important to him as his friends.
“Ryo,” he repeated, the concern in his voice growing as began to suspect something really was going on.
“Yeah?” Ryo tried to prevent his countenance from betraying any signs of apprehension. A mountain of weakness was beginning to pile up, weighing down his heart with grief. He knew he couldn’t hide anything from Yasu. Others may not notice whenever he felt down, but Yasu always noticed.
Time seemed to slow, as Yasu supplied no answer, but merely sat down next to Ryo quietly, studying his friend’s expression without saying a word. Suddenly, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
Ryo felt like he wanted to cry. It struck him that even with all of the barriers he erected, Yasu could see right through his weakness.
For the first time in days, Ryo smiled sadly, genuinely. “Yasu…”
“What’s wrong, Ryo?” Yasu asked again, his eyes gazing at his friend with worry.
“I… I think I’ve lost someone really important to me.” Ryo admitted honestly. There was no way around Yasu’s gaze.
“Did he leave you?” Yasu inquired softly. He didn’t ask to be nosy, Ryo knew this. He asked his questions to help Ryo, to help Ryo sort out his thoughts and in Yasu’s own way, comfort him.
“No…” Ryo frowned slightly. “I wouldn’t say that he left me… but he’s not beside me anymore…” he answered slowly, the words tumbling out before he could comprehend what his own thoughts were trying to convey. “I know he’s out there, but I can’t reach out to him…”
“Did he mean for this to happen? Did he leave your side willingly?” Yasu tried. He was unsure whether Ryo was speaking entirely figuratively or literally, or really what his situation even was at all, but he was sure he didn’t have to completely understand in order to help Ryo even a little.
“I don’t… I don’t think so… He didn’t really have a say in the matter, and I was powerless to stop him. He doesn’t even understand that I’ve been torn apart by what he’s done… But I can’t blame him,” Ryo was being unnecessarily cryptic, and he knew that Yasu might begin to think he had gone crazy, but he didn’t know how else to explain what he was feeling within.
“Does he feel the same way about losing you?”
“I… I don’t know.” Ryo replied simply, hunching over his back as he leaned over his own legs, his arms wrapping around his knees. He hated feeling so weak.
Yasu asked his final question with caged breath. “After being lost… does he want to find you?”
Ryo closed his eyes. He didn’t want to say that he just didn’t know. “I hope so.”
Hearing Ryo’s final answer, Yasu finally smiled. “Then…” he paused, waiting for Ryo to look up to meet his gaze. “He’ll come to you.”