changing fate - chapter six
changing fate
chapter six: fated reality
“I’m sorry…” Tegoshi’s final words echoed incessantly within the seconds he had departed. Ryo did not just want to stop him from leaving. He knew he had to. But somehow, he couldn’t find the voice to scream, the strength to move, the courage to face the truth. He didn’t want to believe it. He couldn’t accept that by stepping out of his room, Tegoshi had stepped out of Ryo’s life. I can’t lose you… Ryo’s mind cried out in desperation, but no words formed from his lips. It was too late for words.
Within the next second, Ryo jumped up from his bed, ran out of the room, and slammed the door heavily behind him. There was no turning back.
As soon as he burst outside, the winter air swallowed his breath whole, and his reddened cheeks stung from the biting wind. Ryo ignored the pain, jerking his head from side to side, frantically searching for any last glimpse of the boy he knew he loved. And at the corner of the block, there he was.
Tegoshi.
Ryo let out a sigh of relief, white fog clouding as his warm breath struck icy air. He closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds, reassuring himself upon opening them once more that yes, Tegoshi was indeed still within sight; he was still within reach. With that single hope, Ryo broke into a mad sprint, a desperate chase for love.
“Tego,” he breathed, as soon as his hand reached out to grab hold of the younger boy’s arm. “W-Wait…” he stammered, the cold penetrating his body as a gusting breeze whipped by.
“N-No, Ryo, I can’t… let me go,” Tegoshi protested feebly. His words countered every inner desire in his mind; desires to hug, to kiss, to love, to accept.
Ryo shook his head adamantly, but shivered in the cold. “I want you to stay, please,” he begged, despairingly tightening his grip on Tegoshi’s sleeve.
“Ryo… I just… I can’t be with you.” Tegoshi murmured softly. “It may seem like I’m being heartless and cruel and uncaring by telling you this, but I have to… I think… I think it would be best for both of us if we didn’t see each other anymore, Ryo… It just… brings us both pain…”
As his final words slipped unwillingly from his lips, Tegoshi closed his eyes, realizing he had just broken not one, but two hearts. I know I’m not even the one you love… I’m not your Tegoshi, Ryo. I can’t be. By staying by your side, I’m only hurting you… relentlessly reminding you of him… and I’m only hurting myself by lying to myself, pretending I can actually be him… pretending I can be loved like him.
“J-Just go,” Tegoshi muttered. Ryo didn’t move. Disbelief and horror were inundating all other emotions of his heart. His eyes could only stare down, down at the snowy ground, soft, pure, and white, but slowly melting, melting from existence.
Tegoshi slowly opened his eyes, hoping that when he did, Ryo would be gone, disappeared from his life, but sadly, he was still there. “Ryo… If you don’t go, I will.” Tegoshi sighed softly, closing his eyes for a brief second more, only to be met with disappointment at opening them once again.
Silence.
“Goodbye,” Tegoshi whispered at last. Without another word, he turned around and walked off, his long shadow trailing longingly behind, splayed across the white snow.
It was now Ryo’s turn to close his eyes. I thought… he loved me…
Was it all over?
Would Tegoshi really never come back?
“TEGO!” He screamed in agony, in anger, in sorrow, in yearning. From a distance, Tegoshi recognized the voice immediately, and he instantly turned around to look back at the Ryo who had called his name. He wanted to refuse; he wanted to just ignore Ryo and simply walk away. But he couldn’t.
Ryo wasn’t even in sight anymore… but Tegoshi could still hear his voice. It rang clearly in the tolling of his heart. Tegoshi sighed and closed his eyes once more, trying his best to summon the strength from within to continue walking. By leaving him… I’ll be saving him, he assured himself with little confidence. Even so, he knew he had to move on.
But just as he opened his eyes, a great pair of arms wrapped around his waist, gently embracing him from behind. He knew it could only be one person.
Ryo buried his tears into Tego’s soft black hair.
“Please, don’t leave me again…” his voice frail from pleading.
“R-Ryo, I can’t…” Tegoshi’s resolve wavered as his eyes drew to the sky, the chilling air holding back his tears. ”I can't stay... I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, but when I’m with you… I just … I have to hold myself back…” The clenching pain was suffocating his chest, killing him softly from inside.
“R-Ryo,” he repeated, unable to find the strength to even just keep himself from stammering. His mind was swarming with conflict; heated warmth was washing across his cheeks, painted dark pink. “Don’t do this to me… I can’t stand it…”
“But I…” Ryo closed his eyes, letting go of any last regrets. “I can’t let you go… never again.” Ryo’s tightened gently around Tegoshi’s shivering body. “I’m too selfish,” he stated, plainly, his voice turned firm, but his expression painful. “Even though you tell me to let go, even though it hurts me more than it could ever possibly hurt you… Even though you have forgotten everything… Even though you have forgotten me… I can’t. I can’t let you go.” Ryo knew Tegoshi would have no idea what he was talking about, but once again, he could only hope that somehow, Tegoshi would, Tegoshi would remember. He knew the younger boy would hate him for being so selfish, but once again, he could only hope that Tegoshi wouldn’t.
“Ryo?” Tegoshi’s gentle whisper resounded heavily, weighted with sadness. He put his cold hands over Ryo’s warm fingers that were intertwined right above his navel. Untangling Ryo’s grip, Tegoshi slowly turned around, bringing himself to face the older boy, even though his eyes were refusing to look into Ryo’s.
“Ryo?” he asked again, timidity tainting his voice with guarded fear.
“Hmm?” Ryo wondered softly, smiling gently at the younger boy to encourage him to speak. But all of a sudden, Tegoshi’s eyes locked onto his, determination hardening his gaze. It scared Ryo a little at first, but when he then felt Tegoshi leaning into him, slowly pressing their lips together, that was when he realized he had nothing to fear. As he kissed Tegoshi back, pressing their bodies close together and heating the frozen winter night, Ryo felt the younger boy tremble slightly, only encouraging him to deepen the kiss.
Tegoshi’s hands reached hesitantly to Ryo’s waist, clinging to the sides of his body. Ryo smiled into the kiss at the feeling of Tegoshi’s touch. But before long, Ryo broke the kiss; he had something so very important to say.
“I love you…” Ryo murmured in between breaths, touching his forehead to Tegoshi’s as the pair’s eyes both fluttered closed. “I don’t care about anything I’ve said in the past… In reality, you are my Tegoshi.”
And just like that, Tegoshi disappeared.
~~
EDIT: I'm really sorry for everyone who has been reading this fic so far, but I can't write this anymore.. I really do appreciate all your support, really, but I just... I can't find the motivation or the inspiration to keep writing this fic anymore. I had an ending, I had an idea in mind, but everything's gone.... along with NEWS as its 6-membered self. I don't really know what to think anymore, but I know if I write anything now, it'll only be out of remorse for what's happened, or even bitter depression. I fail as a writer. I fail to finish my first and possibly last NEWS fic, and I have failed myself. I'm really sorry, but I just can't do this right now... As of now, you can either take the last line of this fic as it is, or disregard it, pretend it's not there, and take a happy ending where one can still be salvaged. I didn't mean for it to end this way, but now, I can't think of any way to end it at all. I need time to sort out my thoughts, and by then, there's no way I will be able to properly finish this fic the way I began. I understand if you'll be unsatisfied, unappreciative and unhappy with me. I'm not going to escape the blame. But the one thing I hope for, is your understanding. Thank you, as always.
- Annie