understanding 分かり [Oneshot]
~分かり~
~understanding~
No one really understood what it was like to be me. To be Chinen Yuri. To never be taken seriously, just because of your face. To be seen as a freak, or just an adorable object to look at, but never to really care for. To always be either loved disingenuously, or hated passionately, or even just treated like nothing more than the cute little boy always standing near the spotlight with a smile on his face.
I just wanted someone to love, someone who could see me for who I really was. Not just a cute, smiling face, but a person. A person with feelings, who can feel hurt, pain, fear, and sadness, not just always happiness. Admittedly, it really is my image, to be happy, and the object of adoration. But in reality, I hated it. I hated being me. Wouldn’t you have gotten tired of being cute and peppy all the time ever since you were a child? Wouldn’t you have felt trapped when everyone around you expected you to be someone you just did not want to be?
I did.
It had been years, and although I had accepted it when JUMP had first debuted, I really didn’t think I could take it much longer. The pressure to be someone you’re not. My smiles felt forced, my laughs felt strained, my breath felt choked. It suffocated me. But even my friends, including JUMP, being as kind-hearted and oblivious as they are, didn’t seem to notice.
At the time, I sometimes wondered how long I could suffer in silence, but until just recently, I still hadn’t found an answer. Little did I know that I would soon discover the answer I had been looking for from a certain friend named Yamada Ryosuke.
~~~
“Chinen!”
The shout of my name startled me, waking me from my daydreaming in the middle of practice.
“I’m sorry, Chinen, but would you please try to focus a little more? I feel like you’re not listening to anything I’m saying,” Kota asked me gently, his voice lined with worry. Everyone stared at him for a second, trying to process what had just happened. This was me, Chinen Yuri, he was talking about. I was never unfocused. But that day, I was.
I nodded ashamedly and tried my best to keep from getting distracted, but it was just so hard. I could barely find any motivation to practice anymore. It just didn’t really matter, did it? No matter what I did, the fans would commend me for my work. They didn’t really care about how well I actually performed, as long I kept on smiling, it would seem as if I was trying my best, and enjoying it too. Even if I wasn’t.
What was the point?
What was the point of being a singer if I had already lost the voice that people had initially praised me for? What was the point of working hard if I could never get my voice back? Resentment raged in my mind, but I always did whatever I could to hide it. And I was good at it, too.
During break, my good friend Nakajima Yuto wandered over to my side, and asked me how I was doing, why I had lost my attention earlier. I was grateful for his concern, but when I smiled and told him I was just daydreaming, imagining a weekend going fishing with Ohno-kun, Yuto, being the gullible, benevolent person he was, believed my story. He was the first to come to my side, worried for me, but he wasn’t the last to fall for my deceits. They always believed me.
And that only made it easier to lie.
By the end of practice, I had laughed and smiled and chatted with my friends like usual, a seemingly natural grin remained successfully plastered across my face. I had always had a talent for doing that… pretending to smile.
As I entered the elevator, another one of my naïve friends, Arioka, caught up to me and rode downstairs with me, even holding the doors open so I could step outside first. Daiki was a considerate friend, and he, too, had an image of smiling a lot.
Only, I think his smiles were genuine. Of course, I can never be sure, though.
After we had walked out of the building, however, Daiki had to turn in the opposite direction to head home, so we parted ways as normal. Before he left, he gave me a small wave goodbye, and I smiled back. Sometimes, it really hurt to smile so much.
Wandering down the street, I spotted Ryosuke walking ahead of me, and I considered calling out to him. Considered, but didn’t. It would just be too much of a hassle, and plus, then I would have to smile again when I greeted him. It would just take too much effort to force myself to act happy any longer.
As time progressed, I soon realized that Ryosuke wasn’t headed in his usual direction. Otherwise, I wouldn’t still be walking behind him. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, but by this point, I was only one turn away from my house, so I wasn’t going to bother with any incessant questions. I decided I might as well just go home.
When I turned down that last street, I could finally see my house at the end of the block. But to my surprise, Ryosuke had disappeared. Shrugging, I continued on, but just as I was about to open my front door, a pair of hands suddenly clamped over my eyes.
“Guess who?” A soft whisper ghosted past my ears.
I recognized him immediately, but I wasn’t so happy to be blinded by my friend. Sighing inwardly, I assumed my guise. “What are you up to, Ryosuke?” I smiled widely, faking a cute, sing-song voice to accompany my cheerful persona. I didn’t fight him off, but it was more because of my lack of interest and overall tiredness, rather than because I actually wanted to play along.
He didn’t reply, but instead, murmured, “Close your eyes for me, Chii.”
Listlessly, I sighed in my mind once more, and then proceeded to follow his directions, again, out of lack of energy to protest. What I really wanted to do was just run into my house and slam the door in his face, but I realized that would be too mean, and plus, Ryosuke was one of those people in JUMP that thought I was just so naively happy all the time, and I couldn’t afford for that image to change. It was who I was. Or at least, that was what I had thought at the time.
Behind closed eyes, I could feel in my makeshift darkness Ryosuke leading me into my house, the door closing gently behind us as we walked into my living room and sat down on the nearby couch.
Silence lingered.
I debated whether or not to break the peace, but I really had nothing to say besides the simple questioning of what he was doing, but I knew he wouldn’t give an answer. For fleeting moments, we merely sat there, beside one another. The warmth of his body was close to mine, but not touching. Gradually, as the silence persisted, I began to feel… almost vulnerable. I had no control over what would happen next. I had no idea what was going on. But I trusted Ryosuke, despite not telling him about my existent personality.
In the darkness, he softly whispered, “Chii, what’s wrong?”
“Hmm?” I tried to play dumb.
His weight shifted closer to me on the couch. “You can stop pretending like you’re all right. I know that something’s bothering you,” he murmured quietly, his tone disappointed, as if he knew I was lying to his face.
I laughed lightly. “It’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. You don’t have to sound so serious, you know?” Inwardly, I groaned. This unnecessary smiling was such a burden.
Ryosuke’s glare penetrated my darkness. “I’m sorry, Chii, but I can tell you’re lying. You’re pretending to be your stage self, Chinen Yuri of Hey! Say! JUMP. But who I’m really worried about… is you… your real self, Chii.” His finger poked me in the chest, emphasizing his understanding of the truth buried deep within my heart. “Please, don’t lie to me.” His plead sounded weak, almost fragile.
“I’m not lying,” I insisted, shaken by the thought of how much about me he was truly aware of. But I couldn’t let down my image; no one could know who I really was. It would change their attitudes towards me forever, and I wouldn’t be able to take it if my friends, especially Ryosuke, left me. I cared for him too much. Although admittedly, at the time, I had thought I cared for him as much as any of my other friends.
I could sense the hesitancy in his fingers, tickling me gently as they grazed my cheek tenderly. A haunting premonition was clawing at my pounding heart. Ryosuke was close to me, almost too close. “Chii…” he breathed.
Warmth began to color my countenance as he pressed his forehead softly against mine, his eyes now closed as well. “You don’t understand, do you? How much I understand you,” he murmured, the warmth of his breath so close, it collided with mine. “You can’t escape my notice. I know you’re more than just who you want everyone to think you are. Lately, you’ve been especially obvious about it too; it’s obvious to me that you’re suffering inside. It’s obvious that you’re hiding idleness, indifference, and suppressing your sadness. I’m telling you now, you don’t have to.”
I didn’t know what to say. I just knew, strangely, that I never wanted Ryosuke to pull away. I wanted him to stay beside me, his presence comforting, liberating me from my facade. And just like that, I could only wait for him to continue.
“Chii,” he whispered hoarsely, “Tell me what I can do to help you. I want to help you…”
“You can’t…” I finally found the voice to answer. “You can’t save me from myself.”
“Let me try.”
His final words were followed by the sensation of lips softly pressing against my own. Desire overpowered my surprise, as Ryosuke’s kiss felt as if it were freeing me from my binds. It was like he could see me as myself. As my true self. Even though our eyes were closed, he found me in the darkness, he recognized me for who I was even without my mask. His understanding became my salvation.
~~~
A/N: Happy (late) birthday Chinen! xD I know I've missed a lot of people's birthdays over the year, being busied with schoolwork and whatnot, but I was really determined not to miss Chinen's! hahaha *bias* x3