Mr. Not Trying to be Mr. Negativity.
I hate calling people. It seems that about 75% of the people in my phone don't pick up, or return my calls. Officially, and here it is posted, I am instating the 3 strikes rule in all areas of my social life.
[Note: in some instances, just like in real sports, you don't even get 3 chances to fuck up, some things ( just like throwing a baseball bat) are automatic outs, or even ejections from the game.]
So... if you're my friend and I call you 3 times over a reasonable course of time, and you haven't returned my phone call then I'm deleting your number from my phone. And if you don't then call me at some point, I've lost your number forever - because lord knows I can only keep about 2 memorized at any given time and mine and my mom's aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe I'm an asshole for that... But I don't see any reason why a friend can't call someone back and say "Hey, I got your message I've been busy/out of town/looking for my phone/whatever and that's why I haven't/can't, talk/hang out." I'm focusing my time and attention on people for whom this isn't too much to ask. I feel like a sniveling fucking brat for even thinking all this though...
So yes, I'm starting off this post with a quasi-passive-aggressive attack on all my friends, and no, I don't feel good about it. I'm not even being asshole joke-y guy, which is odd, because I've been going to the gym a good bit lately.
I guess I just feel like... I've changed into, plus or minus the sum of circumstances, exactly the kind of guy that I've always been in my head/knew I would and it feels like (oh, look he said feel!) most of my friends are now no longer interested in my friendship; either coincidentally or as a result.
Subjects most on Caleb's mind these days:
1. Money, the lack of it, and (see #2, #3).
2. The lack of a job, and my inability to get one, even though I am trying.
3. School, and how the fuck I'm supposed to pay for it since both my mom and my grandparents are reneging on their agreement to help me with this shit.
4. Gender. My ideas are changing a lot about it these days; partly personal experience, partly biology class - which is taught by a transwoman... - and partly my anthro class.
5. Race. This may be inter-changable with item #4 on any given (sun)day... It's really really hard to not think about it, or notice it, and honestly I have a difficult time being around most white people these days.
5a. Code Switching; and more specifically how I started doing it? I'm "Kay" or " Ah! Kaay-lub" or "my nigga" etc. around black folks, I'm fucking Tiger Woods the rest of the time. (No I didn't decide I was Tiger, but yes, I think it's funny.) I don't know what to do about this, but the recent realization that I'm more comfortable "talking like a black person" period, and that I'm apparently very uncomfortable keeping it real with my own friends is a little disturbing.
6. Body Hair, and how I'm growing a lot of it. My face may still look 16, but the rest of my body is going full force with the hair growth. It's kinda fun.
7. (Which is sometimes #1) Sex. And why that's the only thing people seem to want from me. I can't help but go over the folks who don't call me, ever, and don't return my phone calls, except for that one time that I call them when they're single, we fuck, and the next time I hear from them they're explaining that they've been avoiding me because they felt weird because didn't know how to tell me that they're seeing someone. I know that I was an extreme ho before, and that I like sex more than most people, but I at least make it a point to upfront about my intentions - especially with people who aren't strangers.
Mostly though, I've just been thinking about how to get all my feelings out because it's really hard for me to recognize, or feel, or relate to them anymore. Even when I have the urge to cry - which I do still get, although it's usually triggered by anger or frustration - and want to, and try to, I don't. I haven't cried (except when I had that kidney infection and hadn't slept in like 36+ hours) since Lauren broke up with me. The only emotion that I feel that's easy to recognize and pinpoint is anger, which I think I'm learning to handle better... but I think I'm going to need a punching bag soon, because talking really doesn't help it, just redirects my attention to explaining my thought processes instead of feeling/being angry, but if my attention is brought back to the feeling then I'm right back to wanting to physically act out my aggression (usually on inanimate objects).
All in all, I just feel really disconnected and distant from just about everyone and I'm not sure if it's: natural, coincidental, a matter of logistics, my fault, theirs, or what?
The only things that really make me happy these days are school, the gym, and spending time with Marisa and my brother.
In the mean time, my driver's license says that it's for a guy named Caleb X. Ryen and on April 24th, that'll be my legal name (although I am keeping my father's last name too... so I'll have two last names, but no hyphen.) After all these years, it doesn't really feel like a rite of passage or anything, more like some formal legal hoop jumping. But alas, isn't that what being a grown up is all about?
[Note: in some instances, just like in real sports, you don't even get 3 chances to fuck up, some things ( just like throwing a baseball bat) are automatic outs, or even ejections from the game.]
So... if you're my friend and I call you 3 times over a reasonable course of time, and you haven't returned my phone call then I'm deleting your number from my phone. And if you don't then call me at some point, I've lost your number forever - because lord knows I can only keep about 2 memorized at any given time and mine and my mom's aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe I'm an asshole for that... But I don't see any reason why a friend can't call someone back and say "Hey, I got your message I've been busy/out of town/looking for my phone/whatever and that's why I haven't/can't, talk/hang out." I'm focusing my time and attention on people for whom this isn't too much to ask. I feel like a sniveling fucking brat for even thinking all this though...
So yes, I'm starting off this post with a quasi-passive-aggressive attack on all my friends, and no, I don't feel good about it. I'm not even being asshole joke-y guy, which is odd, because I've been going to the gym a good bit lately.
I guess I just feel like... I've changed into, plus or minus the sum of circumstances, exactly the kind of guy that I've always been in my head/knew I would and it feels like (oh, look he said feel!) most of my friends are now no longer interested in my friendship; either coincidentally or as a result.
Subjects most on Caleb's mind these days:
1. Money, the lack of it, and (see #2, #3).
2. The lack of a job, and my inability to get one, even though I am trying.
3. School, and how the fuck I'm supposed to pay for it since both my mom and my grandparents are reneging on their agreement to help me with this shit.
4. Gender. My ideas are changing a lot about it these days; partly personal experience, partly biology class - which is taught by a transwoman... - and partly my anthro class.
5. Race. This may be inter-changable with item #4 on any given (sun)day... It's really really hard to not think about it, or notice it, and honestly I have a difficult time being around most white people these days.
5a. Code Switching; and more specifically how I started doing it? I'm "Kay" or " Ah! Kaay-lub" or "my nigga" etc. around black folks, I'm fucking Tiger Woods the rest of the time. (No I didn't decide I was Tiger, but yes, I think it's funny.) I don't know what to do about this, but the recent realization that I'm more comfortable "talking like a black person" period, and that I'm apparently very uncomfortable keeping it real with my own friends is a little disturbing.
6. Body Hair, and how I'm growing a lot of it. My face may still look 16, but the rest of my body is going full force with the hair growth. It's kinda fun.
7. (Which is sometimes #1) Sex. And why that's the only thing people seem to want from me. I can't help but go over the folks who don't call me, ever, and don't return my phone calls, except for that one time that I call them when they're single, we fuck, and the next time I hear from them they're explaining that they've been avoiding me because they felt weird because didn't know how to tell me that they're seeing someone. I know that I was an extreme ho before, and that I like sex more than most people, but I at least make it a point to upfront about my intentions - especially with people who aren't strangers.
Mostly though, I've just been thinking about how to get all my feelings out because it's really hard for me to recognize, or feel, or relate to them anymore. Even when I have the urge to cry - which I do still get, although it's usually triggered by anger or frustration - and want to, and try to, I don't. I haven't cried (except when I had that kidney infection and hadn't slept in like 36+ hours) since Lauren broke up with me. The only emotion that I feel that's easy to recognize and pinpoint is anger, which I think I'm learning to handle better... but I think I'm going to need a punching bag soon, because talking really doesn't help it, just redirects my attention to explaining my thought processes instead of feeling/being angry, but if my attention is brought back to the feeling then I'm right back to wanting to physically act out my aggression (usually on inanimate objects).
All in all, I just feel really disconnected and distant from just about everyone and I'm not sure if it's: natural, coincidental, a matter of logistics, my fault, theirs, or what?
The only things that really make me happy these days are school, the gym, and spending time with Marisa and my brother.
In the mean time, my driver's license says that it's for a guy named Caleb X. Ryen and on April 24th, that'll be my legal name (although I am keeping my father's last name too... so I'll have two last names, but no hyphen.) After all these years, it doesn't really feel like a rite of passage or anything, more like some formal legal hoop jumping. But alas, isn't that what being a grown up is all about?