There is no self.
Things have been looking up these days. I'm getting the name changed tomorrow - which I haven't really given much though to. On some level it really isn't even happening for me... we'll see how I feel on Wednesday about it all.
I really like my job - I mean, I really border line love my job, or at the very least I'm grateful for it, and if I can get transfered to working as a trainer, and get certified that would be pretty great - and I've been paying attention to mindfulness a lot more these days. I'm making better money than I thought that I would, not that I'm making a great deal of it.
I'm just about done smoking at this point too. I'm beginning to feel the same way about herb that I did about cigarettes right before I quit. (Which is still going quite well).
As of April 8th (the day that the Japanese celebrate the Buddha's birthday, I'm undertaking a vow of complete sexual abstinence, celibacy, whatever you want to call it - of not having orgasms, or fucking around with sexual desire in general. I'm trying to think about it in terms of a process with a relationship and not as an objective. It's changing the way that I think about a lot of other things, but I still need to get involved with sangha.
The most interesting and recent development is that I'm beginning to see much less of a problem with masturbation, and much more of a problem with my attachment to relationships in general; I'm starting to feel the need for isolation a lot more acutely.
Ive been making some music, and doing homework, and in general just handling my business (at least better than before). Although I'm having a lot of difficulty in accepting my level of productivity for what it is instead of judging it so much. I'm trying to have compassion for my 'beginners mind' and to have forgiveness for becoming undisciplined with my mindfulness practice.
I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time... I also have a lot less patience for bullshit, or for people who can't be on point - or at least who arent trying to be on point - with their own business. I sometimes feel a little like a bull in a china shop... but I'm beginning to get comfortable with it.
I'm really committed to practice these days, and in that being a long-term intention. I'm also trying to keep in mind the fact that spiritual practice is one of the hardest things that one can endeavor in, and that Buddhism, by its own notions requires the most skillful actions to be taken that are against our (mind/ego's) instincts.
I've been somewhat afraid to implement certain practices because for one reason or the next they've made me feel as though I'm making a moralistic statement against my previous self, or against the selves of my friends or family. I've felt as though I've had to remain neutral in my actions in order to have an ethical moralistically neutral relationship with people. That my PC idenity would be compromised by taking a straight-edge stance.
I'm coming to the point that I feel okay about saying that there are absolutes. That there is right and wrong, and that not all ethics or values are relative. That we ultimately make choices about what rights and wrongs to observe, and that no matter how delusional the rationalization, or justification, or convoluded the circumstances that we are karmically responsible for those choices.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I recognize my fear of being morally condecending by virtue of trying to cultivate skill with regards to right action is really just my ego's fear of being disliked due to making people uncomfortable with their own actions.
I'm trying to remove myself from the world of identity politics. There is no self. In fact identification, I think, is the root of the problem to begin with.
I haven't really talked with enough people, or let it become part of my consciousness that much these days, but I'm really starting to see gender, especially my own from a native perspectivel; a two-spirit people as having a special purpose and role - type of perspective. I think that role/purpose might have something to do with helping people find balance between their own fe/male, yin/yang, anima/us, you know +/- type of energy. Like gendered people are + or - and two-spirit people are =. I don't know... I think that my finding real peace and acceptance with it is going to come from finding purpose (and they always seem to be service oriented) and acting it out.
The long and short of it:
Old school straight edge, celibate, Buddhist Caleb is coming back - with the addition of the last few year's knowledge... I had a mazeway resynthesis last year, and I've processed it, and now I'm about ready to put it into action.
I'm actually ready for that burning monk tattoo.
I really like my job - I mean, I really border line love my job, or at the very least I'm grateful for it, and if I can get transfered to working as a trainer, and get certified that would be pretty great - and I've been paying attention to mindfulness a lot more these days. I'm making better money than I thought that I would, not that I'm making a great deal of it.
I'm just about done smoking at this point too. I'm beginning to feel the same way about herb that I did about cigarettes right before I quit. (Which is still going quite well).
As of April 8th (the day that the Japanese celebrate the Buddha's birthday, I'm undertaking a vow of complete sexual abstinence, celibacy, whatever you want to call it - of not having orgasms, or fucking around with sexual desire in general. I'm trying to think about it in terms of a process with a relationship and not as an objective. It's changing the way that I think about a lot of other things, but I still need to get involved with sangha.
The most interesting and recent development is that I'm beginning to see much less of a problem with masturbation, and much more of a problem with my attachment to relationships in general; I'm starting to feel the need for isolation a lot more acutely.
Ive been making some music, and doing homework, and in general just handling my business (at least better than before). Although I'm having a lot of difficulty in accepting my level of productivity for what it is instead of judging it so much. I'm trying to have compassion for my 'beginners mind' and to have forgiveness for becoming undisciplined with my mindfulness practice.
I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time... I also have a lot less patience for bullshit, or for people who can't be on point - or at least who arent trying to be on point - with their own business. I sometimes feel a little like a bull in a china shop... but I'm beginning to get comfortable with it.
I'm really committed to practice these days, and in that being a long-term intention. I'm also trying to keep in mind the fact that spiritual practice is one of the hardest things that one can endeavor in, and that Buddhism, by its own notions requires the most skillful actions to be taken that are against our (mind/ego's) instincts.
I've been somewhat afraid to implement certain practices because for one reason or the next they've made me feel as though I'm making a moralistic statement against my previous self, or against the selves of my friends or family. I've felt as though I've had to remain neutral in my actions in order to have an ethical moralistically neutral relationship with people. That my PC idenity would be compromised by taking a straight-edge stance.
I'm coming to the point that I feel okay about saying that there are absolutes. That there is right and wrong, and that not all ethics or values are relative. That we ultimately make choices about what rights and wrongs to observe, and that no matter how delusional the rationalization, or justification, or convoluded the circumstances that we are karmically responsible for those choices.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I recognize my fear of being morally condecending by virtue of trying to cultivate skill with regards to right action is really just my ego's fear of being disliked due to making people uncomfortable with their own actions.
I'm trying to remove myself from the world of identity politics. There is no self. In fact identification, I think, is the root of the problem to begin with.
I haven't really talked with enough people, or let it become part of my consciousness that much these days, but I'm really starting to see gender, especially my own from a native perspectivel; a two-spirit people as having a special purpose and role - type of perspective. I think that role/purpose might have something to do with helping people find balance between their own fe/male, yin/yang, anima/us, you know +/- type of energy. Like gendered people are + or - and two-spirit people are =. I don't know... I think that my finding real peace and acceptance with it is going to come from finding purpose (and they always seem to be service oriented) and acting it out.
The long and short of it:
Old school straight edge, celibate, Buddhist Caleb is coming back - with the addition of the last few year's knowledge... I had a mazeway resynthesis last year, and I've processed it, and now I'm about ready to put it into action.
I'm actually ready for that burning monk tattoo.