I Can't Make Him Love Me: Part One
Two marriages and one relationship later....They say third lucks the charm...it really isn't. I am slowly beginning to realize that I love differently then most people. There is that song by Halsey "Bad At love"...maybe so.
Nineteen, the first kiss I ever had. The nickname my sisters gave me was virgin lips. I chose not to waste my time on the hillbilly losers and gangster punks in my small Kansas hometown. Besides that, my parents use to call me their "ugly ducking', so I had very low self esteem. My sister Jennifer introduced me to A guy named Dustin, one of those hillbilly boys. He liked me. I was like really! Most guys were into my younger sisters because they were the tall tanned blue eyed blonds, and I was the curvy, light skinned, dark haired, hazel eyed one. So at 19, I went out on my first date and had my first kiss. After dating for 6 months, I lost my virginity to him. We moved in together, got married, had our daughter Hannah in 2007. My body then went from being curvy and in shape to a "mom bod". Dustin began to make comments about how I needed to lose weight. I started finding porn on the computer and hidden in other rooms of the house. My self esteem took a huge hit. I confronted him and told him how it made me feel. He started breaking things in the home, didn't keep a job, and got verbally abusive. The last straw was when he threw a metal ice cream scoop and it just hardly passed our daughters head. I packed up and moved to my parents immediately. In 2011 we divorced.
In August of that same year, Hannah and I moved to Oklahoma to live with my aunt Wanda and to get away from all the control of my family. (My crazy family is a whole other story. In September my cousin Amber got married, and that was where I met husband number two. Nathanael made me laugh. We started seeing each other and by January 2012 we had moved in together. Stupid, stupid, rebounds. Our son Jesse was born September 2012, yeah we got pregnant pretty quickly. July 2013 we got married. I should have waited, because not soon after he started showing narcissistic behavior. Controlling every situation he could. Your hair needs to be long, dont act so goofy because it's embarrassing to my family and I, you're not allowed to have feelings...the list could go on. In 2015 out daughter Kiera was born, I went and got fixed because I did not want another child by him. By 2017 he had done so much damage to me. Laughing when I asked him to be the spiritual leader that his family needed, tearing up pages out of my journal and then burning all of my writings in a barrell telling me they were evil. That was the worse of it. I finally broke out and got a job, by August of that year I moved out and files for divorce. Drama insued.