I hate double standards...
Yes, I know he reads this. Just more of a rant I suppose.
So after having a long talk, it was agreed that to help things, we needed more communication. Specifically, he needs to tell me when I'm annoying/pissing him off/whatever, as well as initiating more affection and the like, and I need to be more talkative when things are bugging me/I'm depressed as well as initiating stuff as well. (not that kind of "stuff" just.. not waiting 100% for him to do it) Even if it has nothing to do with him at all, because he at least would like to know that my depression isn't caused by him and maybe he could help. Otherwise, it builds up and we get him not wanting to spend time with me, and I'm curled up crying because I'm so incredibly miserable.
I'm working on my agreement. I was in a random funk on Friday night, and while it had absolutely nothing to do with him whatsoever, I told him about it. We discussed possible reasons (I didn't know why I was depressed, just that I was), and just.. well.. I actually *told* him that I was depressed instead of hiding it or just being "Oh, everything's fine. Don't worry."
So tonight he is incredibly non-talkative. I don't need constant attention. But I would like more than 20 words in a 4 hour period. I don't think I got that. I asked what he was doing (dunno.. he could have been playing video games, or watching TV, or something, or any other logical reason to not be at the computer...) and I just got "Nuttin."
Ok, so you're just not talking.
After a while I flat out asked if things were ok. I got a "Just a lot on my mind. Crazy busy." etc. And nothing else. I asked if I could help or if anything was about me that I could explain. I got a "no, not really". And then a very obvious attempt to not be un-chatty. Then bed.
Now, I don't know, but if I have to say every time when I'm not feeling happy, whether it has anything to do with him or not, and we have to have a decent conversation about it so he doesn't worry (which he said he did anyways)... then why the hell should I have to sit here and barely get any response, and what response I do get is like pulling teeth? Why do I have to pretty much bare my soul every time I'm depressed, but I get vague and honestly flat out unsettling answers and then "I'm going to bed." I'm sorry, but when someone asks "Is it me?" and you answer "not really".. that's not "no" that's "Well, most of it isn't you, but some of it is".
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT SOME OF IT IS. If I have to tell every little thing even if it's something completely 100% unrelated to the relationship... if I have to tell when I'm sad that I read a sad story where a cat who lived 60 years ago died.... then I don't think it's too much to ask that I should be able to hear when it actually involves me. Or fuck.. even if it doesn't.
I just hate double standards so fucking much. If I'm expected to do something, then you should be too. If I expect you to do something, then I should be doing it, too. If I'm supposed to be saying when I'm depressed, when shit is bothering me, and pretty much lay on the therapists table... I think I deserve more than "eh... just shit. Not really you."
I'm trying so hard. We had a great time this weekend, and he said so. Twice. Once Saturday night and once last night online. I want to believe... something. I don't know. I want to believe things really will be different. But when it feels like I'm still getting the shit end of the stick, it's really hard to.
Trying to communicate more isn't just holding hands for the 3rd time ever, and talking to me when I'm depressed for random reason #2454359. It can't just be me talking all the time about when I'm upset. I don't like talking. I don't want to talk. I never ever want to admit I'm depressed. And I certainly don't like talking about it and analyzing it. But I am, I did, and I'm going to work on doing it more from now often.
Yeah, I'm bitching here instead of talking. But he's asleep, and I didn't exactly get a chance to go in to this. And one of the things I've been yelled at about before was "dwelling on" things and "ambushing" him with random shit that was said the day before. I don't want to do that, either. So it goes here.
I just ask for some equality. And I'm afraid that asking for it will be seen as asking for too much.