Elangovan's Closet
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, was a Jedi Knight cleaner named Elangovan.
Now, Elangovan was no ordinary cleaner. Elangovan was The Boss a superhero, Sir's Favourite, racing around the school corridors with his trusty broom, occasionally assisted by his pal Dishtowel (helped clear the nasal passages, that one) and his sidekick, Magiclean.
Elangovan, like all superheroes, had his little fetishes. While Spiderman liked to take photos and Superman got a giant kick out of ripping his own clothes off (poor Lois. Imagine the money she had to spend replacing those torn up pantsuits), Elangovan Watched. That's right. When not hard at work saving the school from calamities like cock-roach infestations and errant rats, Elangovan spent his time in his broom closet, sitting on his little stool, peering at the outside world through the little peephole he drilled in the door, quiet like little mouses.
Then, when an unsuspecting student/teacher/anyone really walked by, he would pounce with nary a sound, retreating back into the safety (this descriptive is actually rather questionable) of his Closet, prey in tow. Most were released within a half hour (the lucky/unlucky ones? It really depended on your point of view, I suppose), traumatised and violated, staggering out into the bright light of day while Elangovan wiggled his fingers at them delightedly.
-
Miss Lee had been at the school for longer than Elangovan's broom was old, and was one of Elangovan's first victims.
Within the next 24 hours they had scheduled regular meeting times. Within another 2 hours after that, Miss Lee decided that getting married was too passe - why choose lifelong committment when you had Elangovan?
This bliss was temporary, however. All her troubles started when Benjamin Tay first failed his Math test.
-
"Van-van, I... I have no more time to come and see you already."
"Huh? What? Why? Who is it?"
"It's Grace."
"What?"
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Aiyah got Maths remedial lah. All these students so hopeless."
"Che, I thought my broom wasn't long enough for you."
"No lah, Van-van, how can?"
-
Despite the seeming lack of evidence to prove that Miss Lee was having an illicit affair with someone with a longer broom (she was always complaining about Benjamin Tay. Who is this Benjamin Tay?), Elangovan was no longer happy. He missed his Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, his Miss Lee afternoons, the hours spent together in his little Closet oh what bliss! All stolen by this boy called Benjamin Tay and his little gang of miscreants. Every time he and Miss Lee met after math remdials, their conversations usually went like this:
"Van-van I am not in the mood today. I have a migraine in my head."
"Huh? Why?"
"That Benjamin Tay lah! So hopeless, that boy. And that Maureeeeeeeeeen Koh! Always talking about her WHUPPPPP camp. And Alex with his bittergourd face. And Benjamin Tay his parabola always wrong one. And that Lyla Vijayakumar wah today she say so many offensive things, and aiyoh that Benjamin Tay ah, I really cannot handle the lot of them."
After some precise calculations, Elangovan could thus draw the conclusion that while Maureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen Koh featured highly in Miss Lee's Most Hopeless list, Benjamin Tay (... he cannot be taller than me. CANNOT) was right up there at the top, along with the stray cat that planted itself outside her house three years ago and that refused to go away ever since.
And since Benjamin Tay was the square root of the problem, Benjamin Tay had to be eliminated.
-
"Eh Benjamin."
"What?"
"Your worksheets are spilling out of your bag."
"HUH? WHY IS THERE A HOLE IN MY BAG?"
"You forgot to zip it up, you bobohead."
"HUH? BUT I'M QUITE SURE I DID UP MY FLY!"
"...Right."
"HUH?"
"If I stand here waiting for your braincells to kick in I'd start rotting already."
"HUH? WAIT ALEX, DON'T GO, I DON'T WANT TO ROT ALONE!"
And that was how Benjamin Tay was left alone in the corridor.
That was when Elangovan struck.
-
It was a few hours later that Benjamin Tay emerged from Elangovan's Closet, shaking and scratching his head so vigorously you could see the scalp coming off.
It was around that time that Maureen Koh emerged from the library, clutching her Geography journal. She walked up to Benjamin and waved her hand in front of his face but there was no reaction. She decided to be more direct; maybe his eyes weren't functioning properly after studying all that factorisation.
"Benjamin? Are you all right?"
But still, Benjamin's eyes remained trained on the floor, his hand running a slow repeated motion through his hair.
Perhaps his ears weren't functioning as well either, especially after he must have spent so much time reading aloud from the Important List of Mandarin Words Essential for Writing Essays from her Mother Tongue journal. So Maureen tried again, even more loudly.
"Benjamin? Are you all right?"
But still, Benjamin's head was bowed. So Maureen Put Her Foot Down.
"BENJAMIN TAY ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
And then, Benjamin raised his head slowly to meet her eyes. In the tiniest of whispers, he said:
"Why couldn't it have been Seetoh?"
-
Elangovan leaned against the wall of his closet, sipping a Milo dinosaur and cackling quietly to himself.
"Who is the boss? Elangovan is the boss, the boss is Elangovan. Isn't that right, Benji?"
END
I APOLOGISE TO MISS LEE, AND ELANGOVAN, AND BENJAMIN TAY.
I APOLOGISE FOR THE SHEER QUEERNESS OF THIS. ALTHOUGH IT IS 9.30 I AM TERRIBLY SLEEPY.
ETA: MANY THANKS ALSO TO ELANGOVAN HIMSELF, FOR SUPPLYING SO MUCH OF THE CRACK DURING REHEARSALS.
that_after_math!