How Bartz Met Boko Part I
Azra: Hey hey hihi everyone, it’s Azra the Librarian and I am making a splash with my first shot at a sporking! Well, not so much a splash as a ripple. See, I’ve decided to start small, with something light. I’ll be pulling out the big guns later, when I’ve had more experience sporking.
So what’s on the menu today? One word: disappointment.
First off, a little background for today’s fanfic…
I like Final Fantasy V. It’s a pretty silly little game that’s riddled with clichés, but it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It managed to make me laugh out loud nearly the whole time I played it. Naturally, I went in search of stuff to feed my fannish feels. Sadly, the older Final Fantasies do not get as much attention as the later games (FFVII onward, I mean). That, combined with having considerably fewer pretty-haired bishies than the later games, means that there are almost no Mary Sues and far, far less bad slash; however, it also means there are hardly any fanfics period. FFV suffers a good deal from this, partially due to not making it stateside as quickly; I found more fanfics for FFIV and FFVI than FFV.
So when I came across this little gem, I was quite excited. Here’s the summary:
A tale of an adventurer meeting his future Chocobo companion through the story of Friendship, Courage, and the true meaning of companionship. Pre-FFV. R&R PLZ.
Alright, so there are issues with the summary being an odd sentence fragment and Random Capitalizations for No Reason-but it still seems like an interesting read! The game never shows us how Bartz and Boko met, and their partnership is something I’d love to see more explored. What might’ve happened prior to the game is also interesting to delve into.
Such a shame, then, that this fic is a disasterpiece, littered with spelling and grammatical errors, constantly switching tense every other sentence, and full of repetitiveness and hand-holding! A glance at the author’s FFnet profile further compounds my disappointment, as nearly all her other work consists of poorly written slash and Mpreg-and there is no Primus-slagging way I am going to spork those.
My comments will be in purple, while any corrections to spelling and grammar I can manage will be in red. *clears throat* Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here is “How Bartz Met Boko,” by DissidiaLord89! Ready… one, two… and we are off!
How Bartz Met Boko
The Chocobo plains were populated with Chocobos of various kinds.
Azra: Really now? I could’ve sworn the chocobo plains were inhabited by moogles!
Also, you don’t need to capitalize “chocobo.”
Most of the population was of yellow-feathered Chocobos with their chicks and others.
Azra: What do you mean, “their chicks and others?” Do you mean the “others” are older offspring, i.e. that chocobos raise their young personally through adolescence? Do you mean that there are different-colored chocobos here and there? The only other color that was shown in FFV besides the standard yellow was black, and the black ones were supposed to be very rare. Or do you mean that other creatures were with the chocobos? I’m confused…
Female Chocobos acted like sisters among the other females, and mothers when they sat at their nest of the newly arrived chicks like true guardians. The males were as strong as the females, but when it came to being fathers; they are even bolder.
Azra: *shakes head sadly* Really, author, really? This was getting sort of interesting-I mean, how do wild chocobos live anyway? But you spoil it with one of my greatest pet peeves in writing-the randomly switching tense!
Don’t think this is the last time, either. The tense switches nearly every other friggin’ sentence. Pick one tense and stick to it, for Primussakes! IT’S NOT THAT HARD.
With that, I bring you this story’s only counter: LET’S DO THE TIME WARP! There will be a point for every random tense switch we come across.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: I
Walking on a hill top hilltop near the plains, a man ventures out into the open world by foot.
Azra: I thought he would venture out into the world by hand.
He wore a purplish blue shirt and with chains of gold trailing across his torso and neck.
Azra: That makes it sound like he’s wearing really tacky bling. I assume you mean that his shirt had gold trim? Or are you talking about his Dissidia outfit?
Though the fic hasn’t named him yet, this is, in fact, Bartz Klauser, the male protagonist of Final Fantasy V. This is what he looks like in Dissidia Final Fantasy:
And this alternate outfit is closer to what his FFV ingame sprite looks like:
If this is supposed to take place pre-FFV, why would he be wearing his Dissidia outfit?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: II
A gold shoulder guard of somekind some kind was on his right shoulder COMMA with a green, emerald-like gem in the center. A two separate fabriced cape was shown on his back with one of the fabrics had a golden trim at the end. Two different colored shawl-like clothes were wrapped around his waist; held in place by his belt. He wore light purple pants, the shade of light color that almost matched his shirt with no blue mixed into the combination, and dark purple boots with designs of yellow and a gold colored toe area of the boots. BLARG I GIVE UP I CAN'T FIX THIS MESS
Azra: Yup, it’s the Dissidia outfit. Again, this takes place prior to his own game-the fic was archived in the FFI-VI section and not the Dissidia one! So why in the name of sweet merciful Primus would he be wearing that?
Moreover, that description was painful to read.
He stands away from the edge of the hill top hilltop, due to a fear he has of heights. He stands with his eyes closed, feeling the wind blow through him towards the plains filled with Chocobos.
Azra: (Bartz) This isn’t as awesome as it looked in the shampoo commercial.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: III
"Hmmmm...It seems the winds of adventure are blowing my way," he said to himself.
Azra: For the record, Bartz’s connection to the wind was a lot more explicit in Dissidia. In FFV itself, the most we see is that he gains a wind affinity from the Wind Crystal. I’m tempted to yell at the author for mixing up Dissidia with the mainline FF games, but this time it gets a pass-Dissidia did flesh out Bartz’s character nicely.
This adventurer was named Bartz Klauser. He is a wanderer of the world.
Azra: Yay, here comes a bland infodump. This is information that was SHOWN to us in the game-and even those who haven’t played the game could find it on the Final Fantasy Wiki!
Recapping Bartz’s background isn’t exactly a bad thing, particularly if the author had had him reflect on his travels so far or how he’d gotten here. The way it’s written, however, it’s just a bland, unnecessary, out-of-place infodump.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: III
*Snip* useless recap of Bartz’s entire Primus-slagging backstory, complete with five tense switches in a single paragraph.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII III
Bartz travels down to the terrain below, spotting vast herds of yellow feathered Chocobos roaming freely. "There's so many Chocobos," awed Bartz.
Azra: “Awed?” How do you “awe” speech? That isn’t a dialogue tag at all. There’s nothing wrong with using “said,” people!
And of course there are so many chocobos, Captain Obvious-you just said there were vast groups of them walking around!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIII
He walks through the plains, sometimes near nests of mother Chocobos. The female Chocobo at the nest he was near would look towards him nervously, preparing to protect her babies at all costs, even at the cost of her life. She gives warning chirps, saying, 'Stay away or else'. He walks near one of those nests as the mother Chocobo fixed up her nest.
Azra: This whole paragraph is such a repetitive mess that I’m at a loss for words.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII II
'Aww...That's cute. I bet this momma is going to be busy with seven chicks,' thought Bartz.
Azra: Especially on rainy days, when the babies had to play inside. It would get noisy, and the mother chocobo would frequently get hit with a stray soccer ball.
With the nest fixed up. the mother Chocobo notices Bartz. She moves to the front of her nest and raises her wings up, much like an ostrich, in defense. She gave warning chirps, telling the adventurer to stay away from her babies.
Azra: Stop repeating yourself! You just copied the exact same sentence you used last freaking paragraph, with only a few inconsequential word changes! Dear Primus!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII III
'Uh, oh...She's telling me to stay away...
I better get, or she'll peck me to death, or scratch me..' thought Bartz,
Azra: He’d learned his lesson from poking a Tonberry as a kid.
"I'm sorry, ma'am...I'm going! I didn't mean to be near your nest!" Bartz hurryly hurriedly walks away from the female Chocobo's nest, knowing all too well how protective female Chocobos are with their offspring.
Azra: We can infer from the mother chocobo’s behavior that she SHOWED us that the species is protective of their offspring; you don’t need to TELL us the fact after that!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIII
The mother Chocobo relaxes and settles down onto her eggs, keeping them warm with her feathers and body heat.
Azra: Is the plot going to show up soon, or is this a nature documentary about chocobos? Also, the second part of that sentence was completely unnecessary.
"Phew...Thank goodness I studied about Chocobos during my travels. She's just being a good mom, its not her fault," Bartz sighed in relief. He continues to travel through the plains til till he comes across a forested area.
Azra: Can something please happen already? I’m bored!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII I
A few Chocobos waddled out through the entry way, carrying Chocobo eggs with them. Bartz was worried.
Azra: They were all pink, and parading in a straight line. Bartz never suspected that the orange mushrooms he’d eaten earlier might have any connection to the pink chocobos on parade.
'What's going on? Did something happen to the mother?' thought Bartz. He couldn't ignore the feeling of investigating this, so he proceeded into the forest to investigate the situation.
Azra: Well, I got my wish-something is happening. But the unnecessary repetition is still grating.
He arms himself with his own shape-shifting sword, easily earning the alias: 'The Mimic Warrior'.
Azra: Hang on just a minute there, pal.
Bartz wasn’t called the Mimic Warrior in Final Fantasy V. That was his title in Dissidia, because his abilities were based on the class-changing mechanic of his own game-just like every character’s abilities were based on some aspect of their own game. Firion used multiple weapons because FFII had a weapon level system, Cecil could switch between Dark Knight and Paladin because that class change was an important part of his character arc in FFIV, Terra was focused on magic because it was a big deal in FFVI that she could naturally use magic-likewise, Bartz could replicate the other characters’ weapons and movesets because FFV is notable for its class-change system: you switch character classes at will and level up each class of your choice to give each individual character access to that class’ skills.
Same for the shape-shifting sword-that was his personal weapon in Dissidia. It doesn’t exist at all in FFV. Moreover, Bartz did have a title in FFV, and it was “Warrior of Light,” a title he shared with three others.
This line was the kicker in convincing me to spork this fic. Author, don’t get your games mixed up-know the canon you’re writing for!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII II
Bartz investigates the forest area for any signs of a Chocobo.
Azra: The smell in the air should’ve been his first clue-aside from all the bright yellow feathers on the forest floor, that is.
He heads deeper into the forest, til he sees something yellow standing out in the forest terrain. Bartz headed towards the area; then, as he approached the area, he gets the shock of his life.
Azra: Someone had cast Thundaga at a passing monster, but the spell hit Bartz instead.
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He sees a Chocobo, but it was already deceased. Upon closer examination, it was a female Chocobo that already was a mother.
Azra: And how does he know it was a mother? Did it have stretch marks?
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It was attacked by a predator far more deadlier than an adult Chocobo.
Azra: So chocobos practice cannibalism?
Yikes… I’ll never squee over how cute they are again… *twitch*
A wave of sadness blows through Bartz as he fell to his knees.
Azra: I could make a ton of jokes out of that line alone, but they’d all be terrible and unfunny. Instead, I’ll just wonder how basic literacy so eludes the author that the tense doesn’t even stay consistent in the same damn sentence.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
We’re only a scene or two into this fic and the tense has switched twenty times already. How much do you wanna bet the counter will exceed a hundred when I’m done?
I want to rage so badly every time I see it happen, but I can’t because then my commentary would get boring and repetitive, not unlike the fic… Must… hold… back…
'Oh, no...Now I see...Those other Chocobos were trying to save the chicks, just after finding her body. Poor thing...Hm?' Bartz's thought was drawn to what caused the fatal wounds. It was from a blade, or sharp object made by man.
Azra: We know what a blade is! A three-year-old would know what one is! You don’t need to be so patronizing!
'Wait a minute...This wound is from a weapon, made from man. It must've been from someone tougher than an adult Chocobo,' thought Bartz.
Azra: Do I have to start another counter for every time the fic states the painfully obvious or pointlessly repeats lines that were just said?
He then realized that the other Chocobos brought out six eggs, not a full seven. Bartz knew that there was one egg missing.
'Hold on..Those Chocobos brought out six eggs. Female Chocobos can lay up to seven eggs.
The seventh one has to be around here somewhere,' Bartz thought to himself.
Azra: Then stop telling us things we’ve already been told and go find the damn thing already!
Bartz looks around the forested scenery; til he comes across a glow of a campfire, a few yards away from his location. He quietly rushes to the area, spotting something near the fire.
Azra: It was a chest, and inside was a Minerva Bustier. Unfortunately for Bartz, he lacked the second X chromosome needed to wear it.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
It was a warrior that was wearing something that mimicked what the feudal era samurais wore. Its helmeted head had a puffed tassel on top. Its face appeared dark gray with light, yellow eyes and what appears to be red war paint.
Azra: *splutters* GILGAMESH is here? What in the name of sweet merciful Primus is he doing there…?
For the uninitiated, this is Gilgamesh. He shows up as a boss five times over the course of FFV. He begins as a minion of the Big Bad, Exdeath, who’s tasked him with dealing with those trying to stand against Exdeath’s plans-namely, your characters. He is also a very large ham, and talks his head off the whole time you’re whacking away at him. However, he’s hilariously incompetent, and after you beat him the third time, Exdeath banishes him for being useless. The last few times you fight him, he starts to warm up to the Light Warriors, ultimately proving himself to be a bad guy who’s not all that bad of a guy.
It doesn’t make sense for him to be here, though. In the game, you don’t meet him until you travel to the second world. Since this is pre-game, Bartz would be in the first world, and not even know the second one existed. Moreover, Exdeath hasn’t awakened yet, and it takes a good deal of power to warp between the two worlds. So why would Gilgamesh be in the first world at all?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
Its weapon was a spear, which had fresh blood on it.
Azra: He’d ganked it from Kain’s trial in the Lunar Ruins.
Bartz knew this had to be the one that killed the female Chocobo. His rage was further fueled when he spots the seventh egg nearby the warrior.
Azra: (Bartz) I’m about to UNLEASH MY RAGE!
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'No...Its going to kill that chick before its born...How sick is this thing?
Azra: Uh, Bartz… you’re overreacting just a teensy little bit.
It’s never canonically stated if chocobos are used for food in any of the Final Fantasy games. They seem to be treated the same way horses are in real life, and the question of eating them never comes up except in fandom.
However-horses are sometimes used for food in real life, and I have nothing against doing so. Wouldn’t the same be true of chocobos?
I better move on before this sporking turns into a rant about self-righteous vegetarians and equally sanctimonious carnivores…
I'll avenge that Chocobo for what this fiend did to her,' thought Bartz with a vow.
Azra: I stand corrected. You’re overreacting way more than just a teensy little bit!
The warrior prepares the fire for a meal, which happened to be the seventh egg.
Azra: You don’t say? Dear Primus, author, why do you insist on patronizingly spoon-feeding us details we’ve already figured out?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
"That stupid bird...I'm the hunter here. I'm on top of the food chain...Bwah, ha ha ha...Before this chick arrives, I better do something to prepare a well made meal for a powerful warrior like me...Hm hm hm hm hm," it said with a chuckle.
Azra: Well, at least Gilgamesh is as hammy as always. I’ll admit, this is the first time in the fic that I actually smiled a little.
…Wait, before the chick arrives? You mean the egg is hatching, right this minute? If that’s the case, Gilly, it’s a little late for an omelet. You’ll be getting a very, very meager drumstick at most! Wouldn’t you prefer something less dinky?
Bartz sneaked closer towards the warrior; then he turned towards the egg.
Azra: (Bartz) I’m going to call you Saphira!
"I'll get you out of here," whispered Bartz to the egg.
Azra: -and as he picked it up, he felt great power flow through him…
He grabs the egg very quietly,
Azra: -accidentally stepping on a twig as he tried to leave-
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but before he could run off,
Azra: -he found himself in a random encounter with some monsters and couldn’t run away!
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the warrior attacks with its spear.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) I AM A MIGHTY DRAGOON! *uses Jump and falls flat on his face*
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The blade strikes the ground, causing the adventurer to jump.
Azra: -over the rainbow!
"You fool! No one steals from Gilgamesh!" it roared.
Azra: The blade roared? And why does it speak in the third person?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII
Bartz rolls away from the egg empty-handed,
Azra: Did he drop it? That would probably not be good for the poor bird’s brain.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
but he had to fight to get it.
Azra: That sentence doesn’t make any sense! This author seems to be very fond of non-sequiturs.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
"Who's Gilgamesh? Is that your name?" questioned Bartz.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) No, it’s my helmet’s name. Of course it is, you lily-livered ninny! Let me show you just what that name means!
"Of course its my name...Who else would bear the same name?" the warrior replied, revealed as Gilgamesh.
Azra: (Bartz) Well, there was that guy in this really old poem I had to read once…
"You killed that Chocobo...For for food?
Azra: (Gilgamesh) No, I killed it to confirm my strength! I have been seeking the strongest chocobo of all to see if it was a worthy opponent! It didn’t put up too much of a fight though… Wait… I do believe I’ve been had! That was far from the strongest of chocobos!
Your YOU'RE a sick monster...
Azra: He has a sick monster? I don’t think Gilgamesh would have the patience to babysit a sick monster, and there’s no reason Exdeath would make him do that either. *tries not to rage at the “your/you’re” confusion*
You took away this chick's mother; while the others saved its siblings.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) Ah, so that’s where all the other eggs went… What? How did I miss that?
You made it an orphan! I will not let you get away with this...I'll make you pay in blood for what you did!" said Bartz, very furious.
Azra: A nearby Triffid had cast Berserk on him, which explained why he was so pissed off.
"So...You saw that Chocobo, too?...Such ideal threats...
Azra: So what Bartz said was the best sort of threat to make in this particular situation? Now I’m wondering what sorts of threats are ideal for certain situations…
No one is as powerful as Gilgamesh, which is I," said Gilgamesh.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) For I have acquired the legendary blade Excalibur! Taste my power, knave!
(Bartz) That sword says “Excalipoor.”
(Gilgamesh) Fie, thou knave! Meet thy doom! *slices away with Excalipoor* …Why, I’ve been had! This is far from the strongest of swords!
I know I referenced that scene already, but I do so love how Gilgamesh is always finding Excalipoor instead of Excalibur.
The fiend lifts the spear's blade from the ground
Azra: …and had to reattach it to the pole. The head fell off a lot for some reason.
Oh, and which of the Fiends was it-Lich, Marilith, Kraken or Tiamat?
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and begins the first attack on Bartz, but misses due to his speed.
Azra: So Gilgamesh was so fast he couldn’t even hit his target? He might be comically incompetent, but he isn’t klutzy!
Bartz swings his sword, only able to cut Gilgamesh's arms and torso. It left medium sized cuts
Azra: Well this is turning out to be the most laundry-list fight scene ever.
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on the fiend, bleeding on site sight.
Azra: Of course there will be bleeding on the site. It’s a damn fight scene! And why was the sword bleeding anyway?
"Graaaahhh! I'll slaughter you!" roared Gilgamesh.
Azra: As I mentioned earlier, Gilgamesh canonically turned out to be a bad guy who wasn’t that bad of a guy. Here, he just seems to be batshit insane for the sake of being batshit insane. I suspect the author does not have a concept of character depth, among the many other basic concepts that seem foreign.
The attack ensues to extreme levels;
Azra: It began to extremely level up? Limit Breaks weren’t introduced until FFVII.
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turning into a battle for keeps.
Azra: So they’re going to put the battle in a picture frame and put it on the mantelpiece?
From a distance, the other Chocobos from earlier gather in a safe distance, witnessing the epic battle for the final egg that the Chocobos missed.
Azra: We know they missed it! If they hadn’t, this scene wouldn’t be happening in the first place! Stop holding my hand, author!
It was missed because Gilgamesh got to it first
Azra: No shit, Sherlock!
and was spooked by the other Chocobos as they arrived to the scene.
Azra: If he was so startled, how did he not drop the damn egg? Usually, when someone runs away in panic, they tend to drop whatever they’re holding! Also, why aren’t the chocobos out for Gilly’s blood?
Bartz swung as hard as he could to majorly harm Gilgamesh.
Azra: I was right… He really does have the Berserk status on him!
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The fiend swings his spear at the adventurer, causing the mime to spin away from the attack.
Azra: (Famed Mimic Gogo) Oooo, this’ll be fun! Whatever you do, I’ll mimic it! Watch!
Yet another canon violation we have here! The Light Warriors don’t gain access to the Mime class until AFTER beating Famed Mimic Gogo.
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Without Bartz noticing, Gilgamesh chuckles to himself as he dipped the spear's blade into a red canister, filled with
Azra: -breath mints-
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poison.
'I'll make your death painfully slow,' thought Gilgamesh.
Azra: Yup, the extent of Gilgamesh’s character in this fic is still “batshit insane for the sake of it.”
Bartz turns around with enough time,
Azra: Why did he wait so long to turn around? Was he trying to catch a butterfly?
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noticing the spear's blade in the canister.
Azra: Really? Either he noticed, or he didn’t notice! Author, you seem to have a propensity for picking the worst possible word choice in almost any given situation!
'What is it doing? What's in that canister? Is it poison?' wondered Bartz.
Azra: (Bartz) Does he realize that the head of his lance is stuck in the canister?
The adventurer retaliates, swinging his sword at the fiend with all his valor. Bartz misses,
Azra: (Bartz) CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGEEEEEEEE-OW! Stupid tree!
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causing Gilgamesh to retaliate back
Azra: -with a redundant phrase-
Seriously. To retaliate means to strike back. This is as stupid as saying “revert back.”
by swinging its spear at the mimic warrior, nailing his exposed left shoulder.
Azra: (Spear) Oh sweet shoulder, let me love yooooou…
"Gaah! You...Stay away from that chick!" roared Bartz.
Azra: So has the damn egg hatched yet or not? It was completely forgotten in the fray, and that line would only make sense IF IT HAD HATCHED AND THEY ONLY NOW JUST NOTICED!
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He attacks ferociously, nailing Gilgamesh with everything he had.
Azra: No! Bad author, bad! I don’t want to read your smutty slash fics! That’s not my cup of tea…
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With the major damage dealt on Gilgamesh, the warrior was heavily wounded.
Azra: He’d been hit with a Tornado spell, reducing his 5000 HP to a measly three.
Now realizing he was not going to win this battle, Gilgamesh flees
Azra: He was desperately trying to escape the fic. Bye, Gilly!
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and takes his camping supplies with him,
Azra: How’d he have time to pick up all his stuff?
including the canister before Bartz knew what was in it.
'What was in that canister?...Hmmm, probably nothing to worry about,' thought Bartz.
Azra: I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out what we already know?
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He turns to the campfire and destroys it, making sure to erase all evidence of the warrior fiend, Gilgamesh;
Azra: Why does this fic constantly repeat itself? There are more than ten words in the English language, author!
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then turns to the egg. "Your YOU'RE safe now, little one.
Azra: (Bartz) *brings out a safe* See, I’ve brought you a safe. I filled it with Gysahl Greens.
I made sure that fiend didn't hurt you. Your YOU'RE, DAMMIT safe now," Bartz said to the egg.
Azra: *does my best not to rage* I am sorely considering implementing a counter for every time the fic repeats itself pointlessly, but keeping up with just the current count is already a hassle.
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*takes a deep breath* Steady, Azra-you can do it. You can finish this! Hang on a little longer…
Just as he leans down to pick up the egg, he begins to hear various chirps of Chocobos.
Azra: They were singing Kumbaya to pass the time.
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'What? Those Chocobos watched the whole thing?' wondered Bartz.
Azra: No, they were playing Keep Away with the eggs.
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Knowing that the battle was over, the Chocobo group approaches the site with caution. Bartz immediately sheathes his blade, causing it to disappear into thin air, till he summons it again.
Azra: Isn’t it counterproductive to put it away and then get it right back out again?
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A few Chocobos waddled towards the area to Bartz, then to the egg he saved. They gave a few chirps; then turned to Bartz.
Azra: They would let him ride one of their own to the next town, sparing him from any random encounters-if he could catch one of them first.
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One of the male Chocobos rubs his beak on the egg; then chirped to Bartz, as if saying, 'You were destined to care for this chick.'
Azra: Of course, because a wild freaking bird believes in destiny! And, of course, he instantly trusts a human with a big fancy freakin’ sword with the life of his baby. Bartz may have saved the egg, but I still don’t think an animal parent-of a species that actually nurtures its young anyway, which the chocobos clearly are-would be so trusting that quickly!
Also, Bartz doesn’t understand chocobo speech-Krile does, and she won’t be showing up for a very long while if this is supposed to be pre-FFV!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
"Me? I can't. I-I mean...I don't know how to raise a Chocobo chick," said Bartz, "All I'm doing is traveling around...It needs a mother that'll provide more than me. I-"
Azra: You know, he has a point there. Which means it makes even less sense that the chocobo father would trust him with the chick so easily.
The male Chocobo stops Bartz's sentence with a grunt based chirp.
Azra: (Chocobo father) Kweh, kweh kweh! Kweh? (Now listen, sonny boy-that’s my kid right there and if I say he’s going with you, he’s going with you! Understand?)
*Snip* some more pointless repetition, reminding us yet again that the chocobo father is insistent that Bartz take the egg.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
Bartz nodded and picked up the egg with care.
"Don't worry. I'll take good care of the little chick," said Bartz, facing the Chocobos.
Azra: Get on with it!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
He then makes his way up the route to the plains, but before he left; there was one more thing left to do. Bartz returns to the site where he found the female Chocobo's body, giving her a proper Chocobo burial.
Azra: Proper… chocobo… burial…?
These chocobos aren’t humans, or even moogles! They are WILD ANIMALS, and they do not have a civilized culture! Why would they even bury their dead, let alone have rituals for doing so?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
After the burial, the adventurer gives his respects and makes a promise to the Chocobo's spirit.
Azra: (Bartz) I promise to plant Gysahl Greens on this very spot every year!
"I know you sacrificed everything to protect your babies. A noble one, indeed. Even if your Y-O-U-APOSTROPHE-R-E YOU'RE! FOR PRIMUSSAKES! in a better place
Azra: IT'S "YOU'RE!" IT'S SHORT FOR "YOU ARE!" "YOUR" IS A POSSESSIVE!
where all the Chocobos go in heaven, I'll take care of your little chick. This I promise you," Bartz said to the plot he made for the mother Chocobo.
Azra: We could infer that he was speaking to the mother chocobo, because you said that’s who he was making a promise to already!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
He then looks down to the egg and held it close. 'I'll make sure this chick is safe...I promise,' he thought.
Azra: You already DID promise! That’s what the chick’s father EXPLICITLY TRUSTED YOU TO DO, and that’s what you SAID TO THE OTHER CHOCOBOS, AND THE DEAD MOTHER! Are you that insecure that you won’t mean what you say, that you have to constantly repeat yourself? Bartz is canonically kind of a goofball, but he’s not an idiot!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII
Leaving the forest with the egg in his arms, Bartz had to find a campsite so he and the egg could rest for awhile.
Azra: All the nearby ones were occupied by Girl Scouts, and Bartz was a little envious because he didn’t have any ingredients for smores.
Near the plains with wild Chocobos roaming freely, Bartz setted up camp and rested inside the newly constructed tent, patching up his wound from the battle with Gilgamesh.
Azra: He had to rip off part of his shirt to make a makeshift tourniquet, thus providing fanservice for the fangirls that Sephiroth normally attracted.
Oh dear Primus… WATCH OUT, BARTZ!
He brings out fresh water, a wash rag washrag, a pan, and rubbing alcohol to clean out the wound from the battle in the forest against Gilgamesh.
Azra: We already know how he got the damn wound! And you already said he was tending to it, so we can easily realize what all the stuff is for!
Also, it’s rather dubious that rubbing alcohol would be used in a medievalesque setting like FFV takes place in. I can be lenient and say that maybe some NPC once spilled moonshine on his scraped knee and realized that it was really good for cleaning the dirt out as he wiped it up, so it’s not completely unbelievable… and the game does have the Chemist class. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far, though, and I don’t trust the author not to break it completely.
*Snip* useless description of every single step Bartz takes to clean the wound.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
Bartz immediately felt the burning feeling on first contact. This was a good sign, meaning that the wound was getting more cleaner; ridding itself of any bacteria that tried to leech through.
Azra: …Would they have a concept of bacteria, either? I suppose some people might-there is the Bio spell.
Speaking of magic-would doctors even have a purpose in a world like this, if you could go see a white mage for healing? That’s an interesting question, one I’ve wondered about when working on my own original writings…
After a few mintues minutes
Azra: Are those a special kind of breath mint?
of the rubbing alcohol's bubbling, burning feeling COMMA; Bartz washes the wound in a couple more wipes and grabs a gauze pad and dressing.
Azra: A gauze pad? My suspension of disbelief is getting rather close to breaking now-I could come up with excuses for the alcohol and the bacteria, but why would a common-born traveler in a medievalesque setting be carrying gauze pads? Do the shops even sell those? It would’ve made more sense to use a piece of his shirt as a makeshift tourniquet, like I joked about earlier.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
He places the pad onto the wound to cover it completely and wraps the dressing around it to stay on. Bartz ties the dressing inplace in place COMMA; then turned his attention to the chick still inside its egg.
"Don't worry...I know I ain't a Chocobo, but at least you have a mom to look after you.
Azra: Why are you referring to yourself as a mom and not a dad, Bartz?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII
I better get ya warm..." Bartz said to the egg. He uses a spare blanket and wraps it around the egg; then puts it close to his abdomen to incubate it.
Azra: Be careful with it! You don’t want to damage it…
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII
"Your YOU'RE! not the only one...To lose a mom..." said Bartz, drifting off to sleep. He falls asleep on his side with the egg close to him, knowing that everything is going to be okay.
Azra: Let’s hope he doesn’t roll over in his sleep.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
"How Bartz Met Boko" will be right back after these messages. Stay tuned for Part 2!
So what’s on the menu today? One word: disappointment.
First off, a little background for today’s fanfic…
I like Final Fantasy V. It’s a pretty silly little game that’s riddled with clichés, but it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It managed to make me laugh out loud nearly the whole time I played it. Naturally, I went in search of stuff to feed my fannish feels. Sadly, the older Final Fantasies do not get as much attention as the later games (FFVII onward, I mean). That, combined with having considerably fewer pretty-haired bishies than the later games, means that there are almost no Mary Sues and far, far less bad slash; however, it also means there are hardly any fanfics period. FFV suffers a good deal from this, partially due to not making it stateside as quickly; I found more fanfics for FFIV and FFVI than FFV.
So when I came across this little gem, I was quite excited. Here’s the summary:
A tale of an adventurer meeting his future Chocobo companion through the story of Friendship, Courage, and the true meaning of companionship. Pre-FFV. R&R PLZ.
Alright, so there are issues with the summary being an odd sentence fragment and Random Capitalizations for No Reason-but it still seems like an interesting read! The game never shows us how Bartz and Boko met, and their partnership is something I’d love to see more explored. What might’ve happened prior to the game is also interesting to delve into.
Such a shame, then, that this fic is a disasterpiece, littered with spelling and grammatical errors, constantly switching tense every other sentence, and full of repetitiveness and hand-holding! A glance at the author’s FFnet profile further compounds my disappointment, as nearly all her other work consists of poorly written slash and Mpreg-and there is no Primus-slagging way I am going to spork those.
My comments will be in purple, while any corrections to spelling and grammar I can manage will be in red. *clears throat* Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here is “How Bartz Met Boko,” by DissidiaLord89! Ready… one, two… and we are off!
How Bartz Met Boko
The Chocobo plains were populated with Chocobos of various kinds.
Azra: Really now? I could’ve sworn the chocobo plains were inhabited by moogles!
Also, you don’t need to capitalize “chocobo.”
Most of the population was of yellow-feathered Chocobos with their chicks and others.
Azra: What do you mean, “their chicks and others?” Do you mean the “others” are older offspring, i.e. that chocobos raise their young personally through adolescence? Do you mean that there are different-colored chocobos here and there? The only other color that was shown in FFV besides the standard yellow was black, and the black ones were supposed to be very rare. Or do you mean that other creatures were with the chocobos? I’m confused…
Female Chocobos acted like sisters among the other females, and mothers when they sat at their nest of the newly arrived chicks like true guardians. The males were as strong as the females, but when it came to being fathers; they are even bolder.
Azra: *shakes head sadly* Really, author, really? This was getting sort of interesting-I mean, how do wild chocobos live anyway? But you spoil it with one of my greatest pet peeves in writing-the randomly switching tense!
Don’t think this is the last time, either. The tense switches nearly every other friggin’ sentence. Pick one tense and stick to it, for Primussakes! IT’S NOT THAT HARD.
With that, I bring you this story’s only counter: LET’S DO THE TIME WARP! There will be a point for every random tense switch we come across.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: I
Walking on a hill top hilltop near the plains, a man ventures out into the open world by foot.
Azra: I thought he would venture out into the world by hand.
He wore a purplish blue shirt and with chains of gold trailing across his torso and neck.
Azra: That makes it sound like he’s wearing really tacky bling. I assume you mean that his shirt had gold trim? Or are you talking about his Dissidia outfit?
Though the fic hasn’t named him yet, this is, in fact, Bartz Klauser, the male protagonist of Final Fantasy V. This is what he looks like in Dissidia Final Fantasy:
And this alternate outfit is closer to what his FFV ingame sprite looks like:
If this is supposed to take place pre-FFV, why would he be wearing his Dissidia outfit?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: II
A gold shoulder guard of somekind some kind was on his right shoulder COMMA with a green, emerald-like gem in the center. A two separate fabriced cape was shown on his back with one of the fabrics had a golden trim at the end. Two different colored shawl-like clothes were wrapped around his waist; held in place by his belt. He wore light purple pants, the shade of light color that almost matched his shirt with no blue mixed into the combination, and dark purple boots with designs of yellow and a gold colored toe area of the boots. BLARG I GIVE UP I CAN'T FIX THIS MESS
Azra: Yup, it’s the Dissidia outfit. Again, this takes place prior to his own game-the fic was archived in the FFI-VI section and not the Dissidia one! So why in the name of sweet merciful Primus would he be wearing that?
Moreover, that description was painful to read.
He stands away from the edge of the hill top hilltop, due to a fear he has of heights. He stands with his eyes closed, feeling the wind blow through him towards the plains filled with Chocobos.
Azra: (Bartz) This isn’t as awesome as it looked in the shampoo commercial.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: III
"Hmmmm...It seems the winds of adventure are blowing my way," he said to himself.
Azra: For the record, Bartz’s connection to the wind was a lot more explicit in Dissidia. In FFV itself, the most we see is that he gains a wind affinity from the Wind Crystal. I’m tempted to yell at the author for mixing up Dissidia with the mainline FF games, but this time it gets a pass-Dissidia did flesh out Bartz’s character nicely.
This adventurer was named Bartz Klauser. He is a wanderer of the world.
Azra: Yay, here comes a bland infodump. This is information that was SHOWN to us in the game-and even those who haven’t played the game could find it on the Final Fantasy Wiki!
Recapping Bartz’s background isn’t exactly a bad thing, particularly if the author had had him reflect on his travels so far or how he’d gotten here. The way it’s written, however, it’s just a bland, unnecessary, out-of-place infodump.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: III
*Snip* useless recap of Bartz’s entire Primus-slagging backstory, complete with five tense switches in a single paragraph.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII III
Bartz travels down to the terrain below, spotting vast herds of yellow feathered Chocobos roaming freely. "There's so many Chocobos," awed Bartz.
Azra: “Awed?” How do you “awe” speech? That isn’t a dialogue tag at all. There’s nothing wrong with using “said,” people!
And of course there are so many chocobos, Captain Obvious-you just said there were vast groups of them walking around!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIII
He walks through the plains, sometimes near nests of mother Chocobos. The female Chocobo at the nest he was near would look towards him nervously, preparing to protect her babies at all costs, even at the cost of her life. She gives warning chirps, saying, 'Stay away or else'. He walks near one of those nests as the mother Chocobo fixed up her nest.
Azra: This whole paragraph is such a repetitive mess that I’m at a loss for words.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII II
'Aww...That's cute. I bet this momma is going to be busy with seven chicks,' thought Bartz.
Azra: Especially on rainy days, when the babies had to play inside. It would get noisy, and the mother chocobo would frequently get hit with a stray soccer ball.
With the nest fixed up. the mother Chocobo notices Bartz. She moves to the front of her nest and raises her wings up, much like an ostrich, in defense. She gave warning chirps, telling the adventurer to stay away from her babies.
Azra: Stop repeating yourself! You just copied the exact same sentence you used last freaking paragraph, with only a few inconsequential word changes! Dear Primus!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII III
'Uh, oh...She's telling me to stay away...
I better get, or she'll peck me to death, or scratch me..' thought Bartz,
Azra: He’d learned his lesson from poking a Tonberry as a kid.
"I'm sorry, ma'am...I'm going! I didn't mean to be near your nest!" Bartz hurryly hurriedly walks away from the female Chocobo's nest, knowing all too well how protective female Chocobos are with their offspring.
Azra: We can infer from the mother chocobo’s behavior that she SHOWED us that the species is protective of their offspring; you don’t need to TELL us the fact after that!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIII
The mother Chocobo relaxes and settles down onto her eggs, keeping them warm with her feathers and body heat.
Azra: Is the plot going to show up soon, or is this a nature documentary about chocobos? Also, the second part of that sentence was completely unnecessary.
"Phew...Thank goodness I studied about Chocobos during my travels. She's just being a good mom, its not her fault," Bartz sighed in relief. He continues to travel through the plains til till he comes across a forested area.
Azra: Can something please happen already? I’m bored!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII I
A few Chocobos waddled out through the entry way, carrying Chocobo eggs with them. Bartz was worried.
Azra: They were all pink, and parading in a straight line. Bartz never suspected that the orange mushrooms he’d eaten earlier might have any connection to the pink chocobos on parade.
'What's going on? Did something happen to the mother?' thought Bartz. He couldn't ignore the feeling of investigating this, so he proceeded into the forest to investigate the situation.
Azra: Well, I got my wish-something is happening. But the unnecessary repetition is still grating.
He arms himself with his own shape-shifting sword, easily earning the alias: 'The Mimic Warrior'.
Azra: Hang on just a minute there, pal.
Bartz wasn’t called the Mimic Warrior in Final Fantasy V. That was his title in Dissidia, because his abilities were based on the class-changing mechanic of his own game-just like every character’s abilities were based on some aspect of their own game. Firion used multiple weapons because FFII had a weapon level system, Cecil could switch between Dark Knight and Paladin because that class change was an important part of his character arc in FFIV, Terra was focused on magic because it was a big deal in FFVI that she could naturally use magic-likewise, Bartz could replicate the other characters’ weapons and movesets because FFV is notable for its class-change system: you switch character classes at will and level up each class of your choice to give each individual character access to that class’ skills.
Same for the shape-shifting sword-that was his personal weapon in Dissidia. It doesn’t exist at all in FFV. Moreover, Bartz did have a title in FFV, and it was “Warrior of Light,” a title he shared with three others.
This line was the kicker in convincing me to spork this fic. Author, don’t get your games mixed up-know the canon you’re writing for!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII II
Bartz investigates the forest area for any signs of a Chocobo.
Azra: The smell in the air should’ve been his first clue-aside from all the bright yellow feathers on the forest floor, that is.
He heads deeper into the forest, til he sees something yellow standing out in the forest terrain. Bartz headed towards the area; then, as he approached the area, he gets the shock of his life.
Azra: Someone had cast Thundaga at a passing monster, but the spell hit Bartz instead.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII
He sees a Chocobo, but it was already deceased. Upon closer examination, it was a female Chocobo that already was a mother.
Azra: And how does he know it was a mother? Did it have stretch marks?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII
It was attacked by a predator far more deadlier than an adult Chocobo.
Azra: So chocobos practice cannibalism?
Yikes… I’ll never squee over how cute they are again… *twitch*
A wave of sadness blows through Bartz as he fell to his knees.
Azra: I could make a ton of jokes out of that line alone, but they’d all be terrible and unfunny. Instead, I’ll just wonder how basic literacy so eludes the author that the tense doesn’t even stay consistent in the same damn sentence.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
We’re only a scene or two into this fic and the tense has switched twenty times already. How much do you wanna bet the counter will exceed a hundred when I’m done?
I want to rage so badly every time I see it happen, but I can’t because then my commentary would get boring and repetitive, not unlike the fic… Must… hold… back…
'Oh, no...Now I see...Those other Chocobos were trying to save the chicks, just after finding her body. Poor thing...Hm?' Bartz's thought was drawn to what caused the fatal wounds. It was from a blade, or sharp object made by man.
Azra: We know what a blade is! A three-year-old would know what one is! You don’t need to be so patronizing!
'Wait a minute...This wound is from a weapon, made from man. It must've been from someone tougher than an adult Chocobo,' thought Bartz.
Azra: Do I have to start another counter for every time the fic states the painfully obvious or pointlessly repeats lines that were just said?
He then realized that the other Chocobos brought out six eggs, not a full seven. Bartz knew that there was one egg missing.
'Hold on..Those Chocobos brought out six eggs. Female Chocobos can lay up to seven eggs.
The seventh one has to be around here somewhere,' Bartz thought to himself.
Azra: Then stop telling us things we’ve already been told and go find the damn thing already!
Bartz looks around the forested scenery; til he comes across a glow of a campfire, a few yards away from his location. He quietly rushes to the area, spotting something near the fire.
Azra: It was a chest, and inside was a Minerva Bustier. Unfortunately for Bartz, he lacked the second X chromosome needed to wear it.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
It was a warrior that was wearing something that mimicked what the feudal era samurais wore. Its helmeted head had a puffed tassel on top. Its face appeared dark gray with light, yellow eyes and what appears to be red war paint.
Azra: *splutters* GILGAMESH is here? What in the name of sweet merciful Primus is he doing there…?
For the uninitiated, this is Gilgamesh. He shows up as a boss five times over the course of FFV. He begins as a minion of the Big Bad, Exdeath, who’s tasked him with dealing with those trying to stand against Exdeath’s plans-namely, your characters. He is also a very large ham, and talks his head off the whole time you’re whacking away at him. However, he’s hilariously incompetent, and after you beat him the third time, Exdeath banishes him for being useless. The last few times you fight him, he starts to warm up to the Light Warriors, ultimately proving himself to be a bad guy who’s not all that bad of a guy.
It doesn’t make sense for him to be here, though. In the game, you don’t meet him until you travel to the second world. Since this is pre-game, Bartz would be in the first world, and not even know the second one existed. Moreover, Exdeath hasn’t awakened yet, and it takes a good deal of power to warp between the two worlds. So why would Gilgamesh be in the first world at all?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
Its weapon was a spear, which had fresh blood on it.
Azra: He’d ganked it from Kain’s trial in the Lunar Ruins.
Bartz knew this had to be the one that killed the female Chocobo. His rage was further fueled when he spots the seventh egg nearby the warrior.
Azra: (Bartz) I’m about to UNLEASH MY RAGE!
Click to viewLET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII
'No...Its going to kill that chick before its born...How sick is this thing?
Azra: Uh, Bartz… you’re overreacting just a teensy little bit.
It’s never canonically stated if chocobos are used for food in any of the Final Fantasy games. They seem to be treated the same way horses are in real life, and the question of eating them never comes up except in fandom.
However-horses are sometimes used for food in real life, and I have nothing against doing so. Wouldn’t the same be true of chocobos?
I better move on before this sporking turns into a rant about self-righteous vegetarians and equally sanctimonious carnivores…
I'll avenge that Chocobo for what this fiend did to her,' thought Bartz with a vow.
Azra: I stand corrected. You’re overreacting way more than just a teensy little bit!
The warrior prepares the fire for a meal, which happened to be the seventh egg.
Azra: You don’t say? Dear Primus, author, why do you insist on patronizingly spoon-feeding us details we’ve already figured out?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
"That stupid bird...I'm the hunter here. I'm on top of the food chain...Bwah, ha ha ha...Before this chick arrives, I better do something to prepare a well made meal for a powerful warrior like me...Hm hm hm hm hm," it said with a chuckle.
Azra: Well, at least Gilgamesh is as hammy as always. I’ll admit, this is the first time in the fic that I actually smiled a little.
…Wait, before the chick arrives? You mean the egg is hatching, right this minute? If that’s the case, Gilly, it’s a little late for an omelet. You’ll be getting a very, very meager drumstick at most! Wouldn’t you prefer something less dinky?
Bartz sneaked closer towards the warrior; then he turned towards the egg.
Azra: (Bartz) I’m going to call you Saphira!
"I'll get you out of here," whispered Bartz to the egg.
Azra: -and as he picked it up, he felt great power flow through him…
He grabs the egg very quietly,
Azra: -accidentally stepping on a twig as he tried to leave-
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
but before he could run off,
Azra: -he found himself in a random encounter with some monsters and couldn’t run away!
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
the warrior attacks with its spear.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) I AM A MIGHTY DRAGOON! *uses Jump and falls flat on his face*
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII
The blade strikes the ground, causing the adventurer to jump.
Azra: -over the rainbow!
"You fool! No one steals from Gilgamesh!" it roared.
Azra: The blade roared? And why does it speak in the third person?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII
Bartz rolls away from the egg empty-handed,
Azra: Did he drop it? That would probably not be good for the poor bird’s brain.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I
but he had to fight to get it.
Azra: That sentence doesn’t make any sense! This author seems to be very fond of non-sequiturs.
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II
"Who's Gilgamesh? Is that your name?" questioned Bartz.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) No, it’s my helmet’s name. Of course it is, you lily-livered ninny! Let me show you just what that name means!
"Of course its my name...Who else would bear the same name?" the warrior replied, revealed as Gilgamesh.
Azra: (Bartz) Well, there was that guy in this really old poem I had to read once…
"You killed that Chocobo...For for food?
Azra: (Gilgamesh) No, I killed it to confirm my strength! I have been seeking the strongest chocobo of all to see if it was a worthy opponent! It didn’t put up too much of a fight though… Wait… I do believe I’ve been had! That was far from the strongest of chocobos!
Your YOU'RE a sick monster...
Azra: He has a sick monster? I don’t think Gilgamesh would have the patience to babysit a sick monster, and there’s no reason Exdeath would make him do that either. *tries not to rage at the “your/you’re” confusion*
You took away this chick's mother; while the others saved its siblings.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) Ah, so that’s where all the other eggs went… What? How did I miss that?
You made it an orphan! I will not let you get away with this...I'll make you pay in blood for what you did!" said Bartz, very furious.
Azra: A nearby Triffid had cast Berserk on him, which explained why he was so pissed off.
"So...You saw that Chocobo, too?...Such ideal threats...
Azra: So what Bartz said was the best sort of threat to make in this particular situation? Now I’m wondering what sorts of threats are ideal for certain situations…
No one is as powerful as Gilgamesh, which is I," said Gilgamesh.
Azra: (Gilgamesh) For I have acquired the legendary blade Excalibur! Taste my power, knave!
(Bartz) That sword says “Excalipoor.”
(Gilgamesh) Fie, thou knave! Meet thy doom! *slices away with Excalipoor* …Why, I’ve been had! This is far from the strongest of swords!
I know I referenced that scene already, but I do so love how Gilgamesh is always finding Excalipoor instead of Excalibur.
The fiend lifts the spear's blade from the ground
Azra: …and had to reattach it to the pole. The head fell off a lot for some reason.
Oh, and which of the Fiends was it-Lich, Marilith, Kraken or Tiamat?
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III
and begins the first attack on Bartz, but misses due to his speed.
Azra: So Gilgamesh was so fast he couldn’t even hit his target? He might be comically incompetent, but he isn’t klutzy!
Bartz swings his sword, only able to cut Gilgamesh's arms and torso. It left medium sized cuts
Azra: Well this is turning out to be the most laundry-list fight scene ever.
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on the fiend, bleeding on site sight.
Azra: Of course there will be bleeding on the site. It’s a damn fight scene! And why was the sword bleeding anyway?
"Graaaahhh! I'll slaughter you!" roared Gilgamesh.
Azra: As I mentioned earlier, Gilgamesh canonically turned out to be a bad guy who wasn’t that bad of a guy. Here, he just seems to be batshit insane for the sake of being batshit insane. I suspect the author does not have a concept of character depth, among the many other basic concepts that seem foreign.
The attack ensues to extreme levels;
Azra: It began to extremely level up? Limit Breaks weren’t introduced until FFVII.
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turning into a battle for keeps.
Azra: So they’re going to put the battle in a picture frame and put it on the mantelpiece?
From a distance, the other Chocobos from earlier gather in a safe distance, witnessing the epic battle for the final egg that the Chocobos missed.
Azra: We know they missed it! If they hadn’t, this scene wouldn’t be happening in the first place! Stop holding my hand, author!
It was missed because Gilgamesh got to it first
Azra: No shit, Sherlock!
and was spooked by the other Chocobos as they arrived to the scene.
Azra: If he was so startled, how did he not drop the damn egg? Usually, when someone runs away in panic, they tend to drop whatever they’re holding! Also, why aren’t the chocobos out for Gilly’s blood?
Bartz swung as hard as he could to majorly harm Gilgamesh.
Azra: I was right… He really does have the Berserk status on him!
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The fiend swings his spear at the adventurer, causing the mime to spin away from the attack.
Azra: (Famed Mimic Gogo) Oooo, this’ll be fun! Whatever you do, I’ll mimic it! Watch!
Yet another canon violation we have here! The Light Warriors don’t gain access to the Mime class until AFTER beating Famed Mimic Gogo.
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Without Bartz noticing, Gilgamesh chuckles to himself as he dipped the spear's blade into a red canister, filled with
Azra: -breath mints-
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poison.
'I'll make your death painfully slow,' thought Gilgamesh.
Azra: Yup, the extent of Gilgamesh’s character in this fic is still “batshit insane for the sake of it.”
Bartz turns around with enough time,
Azra: Why did he wait so long to turn around? Was he trying to catch a butterfly?
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noticing the spear's blade in the canister.
Azra: Really? Either he noticed, or he didn’t notice! Author, you seem to have a propensity for picking the worst possible word choice in almost any given situation!
'What is it doing? What's in that canister? Is it poison?' wondered Bartz.
Azra: (Bartz) Does he realize that the head of his lance is stuck in the canister?
The adventurer retaliates, swinging his sword at the fiend with all his valor. Bartz misses,
Azra: (Bartz) CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGEEEEEEEE-OW! Stupid tree!
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causing Gilgamesh to retaliate back
Azra: -with a redundant phrase-
Seriously. To retaliate means to strike back. This is as stupid as saying “revert back.”
by swinging its spear at the mimic warrior, nailing his exposed left shoulder.
Azra: (Spear) Oh sweet shoulder, let me love yooooou…
"Gaah! You...Stay away from that chick!" roared Bartz.
Azra: So has the damn egg hatched yet or not? It was completely forgotten in the fray, and that line would only make sense IF IT HAD HATCHED AND THEY ONLY NOW JUST NOTICED!
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He attacks ferociously, nailing Gilgamesh with everything he had.
Azra: No! Bad author, bad! I don’t want to read your smutty slash fics! That’s not my cup of tea…
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With the major damage dealt on Gilgamesh, the warrior was heavily wounded.
Azra: He’d been hit with a Tornado spell, reducing his 5000 HP to a measly three.
Now realizing he was not going to win this battle, Gilgamesh flees
Azra: He was desperately trying to escape the fic. Bye, Gilly!
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and takes his camping supplies with him,
Azra: How’d he have time to pick up all his stuff?
including the canister before Bartz knew what was in it.
'What was in that canister?...Hmmm, probably nothing to worry about,' thought Bartz.
Azra: I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out what we already know?
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He turns to the campfire and destroys it, making sure to erase all evidence of the warrior fiend, Gilgamesh;
Azra: Why does this fic constantly repeat itself? There are more than ten words in the English language, author!
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then turns to the egg. "Your YOU'RE safe now, little one.
Azra: (Bartz) *brings out a safe* See, I’ve brought you a safe. I filled it with Gysahl Greens.
I made sure that fiend didn't hurt you. Your YOU'RE, DAMMIT safe now," Bartz said to the egg.
Azra: *does my best not to rage* I am sorely considering implementing a counter for every time the fic repeats itself pointlessly, but keeping up with just the current count is already a hassle.
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*takes a deep breath* Steady, Azra-you can do it. You can finish this! Hang on a little longer…
Just as he leans down to pick up the egg, he begins to hear various chirps of Chocobos.
Azra: They were singing Kumbaya to pass the time.
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'What? Those Chocobos watched the whole thing?' wondered Bartz.
Azra: No, they were playing Keep Away with the eggs.
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Knowing that the battle was over, the Chocobo group approaches the site with caution. Bartz immediately sheathes his blade, causing it to disappear into thin air, till he summons it again.
Azra: Isn’t it counterproductive to put it away and then get it right back out again?
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A few Chocobos waddled towards the area to Bartz, then to the egg he saved. They gave a few chirps; then turned to Bartz.
Azra: They would let him ride one of their own to the next town, sparing him from any random encounters-if he could catch one of them first.
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One of the male Chocobos rubs his beak on the egg; then chirped to Bartz, as if saying, 'You were destined to care for this chick.'
Azra: Of course, because a wild freaking bird believes in destiny! And, of course, he instantly trusts a human with a big fancy freakin’ sword with the life of his baby. Bartz may have saved the egg, but I still don’t think an animal parent-of a species that actually nurtures its young anyway, which the chocobos clearly are-would be so trusting that quickly!
Also, Bartz doesn’t understand chocobo speech-Krile does, and she won’t be showing up for a very long while if this is supposed to be pre-FFV!
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"Me? I can't. I-I mean...I don't know how to raise a Chocobo chick," said Bartz, "All I'm doing is traveling around...It needs a mother that'll provide more than me. I-"
Azra: You know, he has a point there. Which means it makes even less sense that the chocobo father would trust him with the chick so easily.
The male Chocobo stops Bartz's sentence with a grunt based chirp.
Azra: (Chocobo father) Kweh, kweh kweh! Kweh? (Now listen, sonny boy-that’s my kid right there and if I say he’s going with you, he’s going with you! Understand?)
*Snip* some more pointless repetition, reminding us yet again that the chocobo father is insistent that Bartz take the egg.
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Bartz nodded and picked up the egg with care.
"Don't worry. I'll take good care of the little chick," said Bartz, facing the Chocobos.
Azra: Get on with it!
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He then makes his way up the route to the plains, but before he left; there was one more thing left to do. Bartz returns to the site where he found the female Chocobo's body, giving her a proper Chocobo burial.
Azra: Proper… chocobo… burial…?
These chocobos aren’t humans, or even moogles! They are WILD ANIMALS, and they do not have a civilized culture! Why would they even bury their dead, let alone have rituals for doing so?
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After the burial, the adventurer gives his respects and makes a promise to the Chocobo's spirit.
Azra: (Bartz) I promise to plant Gysahl Greens on this very spot every year!
"I know you sacrificed everything to protect your babies. A noble one, indeed. Even if your Y-O-U-APOSTROPHE-R-E YOU'RE! FOR PRIMUSSAKES! in a better place
Azra: IT'S "YOU'RE!" IT'S SHORT FOR "YOU ARE!" "YOUR" IS A POSSESSIVE!
where all the Chocobos go in heaven, I'll take care of your little chick. This I promise you," Bartz said to the plot he made for the mother Chocobo.
Azra: We could infer that he was speaking to the mother chocobo, because you said that’s who he was making a promise to already!
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He then looks down to the egg and held it close. 'I'll make sure this chick is safe...I promise,' he thought.
Azra: You already DID promise! That’s what the chick’s father EXPLICITLY TRUSTED YOU TO DO, and that’s what you SAID TO THE OTHER CHOCOBOS, AND THE DEAD MOTHER! Are you that insecure that you won’t mean what you say, that you have to constantly repeat yourself? Bartz is canonically kind of a goofball, but he’s not an idiot!
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Leaving the forest with the egg in his arms, Bartz had to find a campsite so he and the egg could rest for awhile.
Azra: All the nearby ones were occupied by Girl Scouts, and Bartz was a little envious because he didn’t have any ingredients for smores.
Near the plains with wild Chocobos roaming freely, Bartz setted up camp and rested inside the newly constructed tent, patching up his wound from the battle with Gilgamesh.
Azra: He had to rip off part of his shirt to make a makeshift tourniquet, thus providing fanservice for the fangirls that Sephiroth normally attracted.
Oh dear Primus… WATCH OUT, BARTZ!
He brings out fresh water, a wash rag washrag, a pan, and rubbing alcohol to clean out the wound from the battle in the forest against Gilgamesh.
Azra: We already know how he got the damn wound! And you already said he was tending to it, so we can easily realize what all the stuff is for!
Also, it’s rather dubious that rubbing alcohol would be used in a medievalesque setting like FFV takes place in. I can be lenient and say that maybe some NPC once spilled moonshine on his scraped knee and realized that it was really good for cleaning the dirt out as he wiped it up, so it’s not completely unbelievable… and the game does have the Chemist class. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far, though, and I don’t trust the author not to break it completely.
*Snip* useless description of every single step Bartz takes to clean the wound.
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Bartz immediately felt the burning feeling on first contact. This was a good sign, meaning that the wound was getting more cleaner; ridding itself of any bacteria that tried to leech through.
Azra: …Would they have a concept of bacteria, either? I suppose some people might-there is the Bio spell.
Speaking of magic-would doctors even have a purpose in a world like this, if you could go see a white mage for healing? That’s an interesting question, one I’ve wondered about when working on my own original writings…
After a few mintues minutes
Azra: Are those a special kind of breath mint?
of the rubbing alcohol's bubbling, burning feeling COMMA; Bartz washes the wound in a couple more wipes and grabs a gauze pad and dressing.
Azra: A gauze pad? My suspension of disbelief is getting rather close to breaking now-I could come up with excuses for the alcohol and the bacteria, but why would a common-born traveler in a medievalesque setting be carrying gauze pads? Do the shops even sell those? It would’ve made more sense to use a piece of his shirt as a makeshift tourniquet, like I joked about earlier.
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He places the pad onto the wound to cover it completely and wraps the dressing around it to stay on. Bartz ties the dressing inplace in place COMMA; then turned his attention to the chick still inside its egg.
"Don't worry...I know I ain't a Chocobo, but at least you have a mom to look after you.
Azra: Why are you referring to yourself as a mom and not a dad, Bartz?
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I better get ya warm..." Bartz said to the egg. He uses a spare blanket and wraps it around the egg; then puts it close to his abdomen to incubate it.
Azra: Be careful with it! You don’t want to damage it…
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"Your YOU'RE! not the only one...To lose a mom..." said Bartz, drifting off to sleep. He falls asleep on his side with the egg close to him, knowing that everything is going to be okay.
Azra: Let’s hope he doesn’t roll over in his sleep.
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"How Bartz Met Boko" will be right back after these messages. Stay tuned for Part 2!