sad sack
This is very whiny and pissy but I need to type this out as opposed to throwing a hissy fit...
I think my lack of friends is starting to really drain on me. I know many people on my friends list have gone through similar periods of "friendlessness" - where you have great friends, unbelievable friends but none of them live anywhere near you.
I've been wanting to see Juno for a long ass time and have had no one to go with. My mom said she'd go with me but I don't think she really wants to and her attitude toward it has come off as so condescending and pitying - this is how I take it, not how it is most likely. We were going to go tonight but we were in the car at 7:40 for a 7:45 show and then realized my brother's car was at the bottom of the driveway blocking us in. Mom said we could try to drive around it but that was stupid since the hill was still icy and I'd most likely just slide right into it. At this I felt about 8 years old and I wanted to scream and cry and break something. Insteand I acted like I was 16 and stomped off to my room and shut the door. And I feel like I did when I was 16 too, my stomach drops and I want to punch my fist through glass or write all over myself or scratch myself. It sounds so psychotic but this is how I get when I don't let myself feel my emotions. I guess that's what I get for living at home.
If I allowed my actual emotions to take their full course then I would be shut up in my room crying for weeks on end. But because my brain can be rather split when it comes to rational thought and emotional crap I am able to cage that part of my brain and put on a tolerably happy face and get through my week and even attend a social event or two with moderate enjoyment.
I know my fear of weakness - or should I say emotion because to me I feel they are on in the same - is a reason why I can't open myself up to anyone. There are so many parts to what I consider to mean "being feminine" that feel are so weak and silly and trite but in the end I think I just want to remain strong at all times and my fear of fear itself is what cripples me the most.
I'm just so sick of making mistakes, and I used to think that as I got older I would make less of them and that I'd be beyond this part of my life. Beyond feeling scared and unsure of everything. I'm so sick of worrying and crying. I keep waiting for my life to start so I'm constantly looking toward the future and my undying hope is truly the only thing that gets me to wake up every morning but I would like for once to be content with the now, to be happy in all aspects of my life.
When I lived and worked in Japan was the happiest I had ever been in my career, but without a love life it made truly enjoying my time there impossible. It does make me think that perhaps teaching is truly what I ought to be doing but then why do I hate my current job so much? I think it has something to do with the fact that I work alone. I have no cohorts to work with or collaborate with. I'm alone and I don't like being alone. I used to think I needed to try to be alone but in the end I have decided that flying solo is not in my blood. That's why I don't like going to movies alone, didn't much like traveling alone, and I'm kind of at a point where I don't know if I could live alone again.
So does this mean I go back to school?!? Do I dare spend the money and time?!? What school do I choose? What masters do I go after? Do I stay in Michigan or go somewhere new? Would I ever get my shit together enough to get out of this - living paycheck to paycheck not saving a DIME, ever so slowly paying down my debt, and barely affording to have adult fun with adults? I've run the hamster wheel into the ground and it threw me off with this inability to see a simple fucking movie.
Right now I am successfully stopping myself from crying and watching myself type this as if I am apart from myself and I see me and think how utterly disgusting and pathetic I am. If this is PMS or hormones I would give up all chances of childbirth to just be rid of it, but somehow I don't think it is as simple as that.
I am so disappointed in how my life has turned out. I used to be the smart, funny, mature one and now I am the pathetic, sad, and lost one. There are times when I get how celebrities self-destruct when their definitions of themselves change to something they can't recognize. I've been living so much in the past lately and wonder what happened to "me".
Don't think I have no understanding of my worth, I do - but I feel so overwhelmed by this crippling doubt that it chokes me and I feel the only way for me to keep living is to walking around choked in a half-life haze because if I let it go I'm too scared to what will become of me.
I think my lack of friends is starting to really drain on me. I know many people on my friends list have gone through similar periods of "friendlessness" - where you have great friends, unbelievable friends but none of them live anywhere near you.
I've been wanting to see Juno for a long ass time and have had no one to go with. My mom said she'd go with me but I don't think she really wants to and her attitude toward it has come off as so condescending and pitying - this is how I take it, not how it is most likely. We were going to go tonight but we were in the car at 7:40 for a 7:45 show and then realized my brother's car was at the bottom of the driveway blocking us in. Mom said we could try to drive around it but that was stupid since the hill was still icy and I'd most likely just slide right into it. At this I felt about 8 years old and I wanted to scream and cry and break something. Insteand I acted like I was 16 and stomped off to my room and shut the door. And I feel like I did when I was 16 too, my stomach drops and I want to punch my fist through glass or write all over myself or scratch myself. It sounds so psychotic but this is how I get when I don't let myself feel my emotions. I guess that's what I get for living at home.
If I allowed my actual emotions to take their full course then I would be shut up in my room crying for weeks on end. But because my brain can be rather split when it comes to rational thought and emotional crap I am able to cage that part of my brain and put on a tolerably happy face and get through my week and even attend a social event or two with moderate enjoyment.
I know my fear of weakness - or should I say emotion because to me I feel they are on in the same - is a reason why I can't open myself up to anyone. There are so many parts to what I consider to mean "being feminine" that feel are so weak and silly and trite but in the end I think I just want to remain strong at all times and my fear of fear itself is what cripples me the most.
I'm just so sick of making mistakes, and I used to think that as I got older I would make less of them and that I'd be beyond this part of my life. Beyond feeling scared and unsure of everything. I'm so sick of worrying and crying. I keep waiting for my life to start so I'm constantly looking toward the future and my undying hope is truly the only thing that gets me to wake up every morning but I would like for once to be content with the now, to be happy in all aspects of my life.
When I lived and worked in Japan was the happiest I had ever been in my career, but without a love life it made truly enjoying my time there impossible. It does make me think that perhaps teaching is truly what I ought to be doing but then why do I hate my current job so much? I think it has something to do with the fact that I work alone. I have no cohorts to work with or collaborate with. I'm alone and I don't like being alone. I used to think I needed to try to be alone but in the end I have decided that flying solo is not in my blood. That's why I don't like going to movies alone, didn't much like traveling alone, and I'm kind of at a point where I don't know if I could live alone again.
So does this mean I go back to school?!? Do I dare spend the money and time?!? What school do I choose? What masters do I go after? Do I stay in Michigan or go somewhere new? Would I ever get my shit together enough to get out of this - living paycheck to paycheck not saving a DIME, ever so slowly paying down my debt, and barely affording to have adult fun with adults? I've run the hamster wheel into the ground and it threw me off with this inability to see a simple fucking movie.
Right now I am successfully stopping myself from crying and watching myself type this as if I am apart from myself and I see me and think how utterly disgusting and pathetic I am. If this is PMS or hormones I would give up all chances of childbirth to just be rid of it, but somehow I don't think it is as simple as that.
I am so disappointed in how my life has turned out. I used to be the smart, funny, mature one and now I am the pathetic, sad, and lost one. There are times when I get how celebrities self-destruct when their definitions of themselves change to something they can't recognize. I've been living so much in the past lately and wonder what happened to "me".
Don't think I have no understanding of my worth, I do - but I feel so overwhelmed by this crippling doubt that it chokes me and I feel the only way for me to keep living is to walking around choked in a half-life haze because if I let it go I'm too scared to what will become of me.