Leaving Home
Leaving Home
It’s never easy to part ways with your family, especially considering that one’s family sets the foundation for who they grew to be and who they wish to be. For some family can be much more than a support system and a way to learn the way of the world. Family can be the only thing that allows you to get up in the morning and face the world you interact with everyday. This much can be said for one such as me that both depended on my family as much as they suffered because of them.
One thing is certain, it is easy to forget what one should be grateful for and indefinitely easy to lose touch and contact with those who are important to you. As a defensive and instinctively suspicious person I find myself subconsciously not keep contact with those in my family and desiring not to stay in contact with half of my family. But as far as ‘leaving the nest’ as it were it is not about the striking out on my own or all the responsibilities that causes the pain to build in my heart every time I must part ways.
I am not so far away from my family that I would have to cross an ocean or travel across the country. In fact I live but only an hour away from my immediate family and four hours from the rest of my family that I care a great deal about. It is hard at times being away from my friends as it takes me a great deal of time and effort to make new friends who I trust enough to interact on a social level outside of interacting in college or at work with. Independence and responsibility was something I learned to handle at a very early age due to the home situation in which I could find no escape from.
The hardest part about parting ways and striking out on my own is accepting that in doing so those closest to me, particularly my youngest sibling who I closest to, must do so as well and will in reaction pull away from me because of the separation. This is what pains me but after what we have faced in our lives, which seem much longer than they are, a mere twenty-one years for me and seventeen for him, I am certain that we will never lose that connection. Camaraderie can create a closer connection with one’s family, especially siblings who grew up dependent upon one another to make it through the day.
I have said this part many times before in many different ways to make very different points, but life is not a bed of roses and while our lives were difficult, trying, traumatizing at times, and mercifully blessing at others there are always lessons to be learned with each experience. While I learned to cherish what blessings I still have in my life I am still as distant and uncommunicative as I ever was, probably less social than I was before.
The point I am trying to make in writing this is that I miss being around my family a great deal, but as I usually make the time to see them on weekends when I can it’s getting easier to spend my weeks at my apartment. While I had an apartment by myself for three months before my younger but not youngest brother came to my area and moved in with me to get on his own feet it is still not very easy. It gets hardest for the shadows and depression gets much worse and more vivid and tormenting with every passing moment I am alone but those are demons I must face and have faced all my life. My roommate, to easier distinguish my two brothers, is away working for the next month or two and we need the money so naturally I told him to go. As such, I face a long stretch of time in which I must master my own demons.
School is a great way to keep my focus elsewhere, but as I only have two classes for the next two weeks and then one week off before the new quarter begins and not constant job of my own as the workforce proves to be aggravating at best and unwilling to hire me at worst that leaves me a lot of free time. This is how I turn to writing non-fiction pieces such as this or working on my fiction pieces or even my fan fiction. As of right now I am no longer making a point merely writing anything and everything that comes to mind.
I have a cat for company, who is a bit crazy and spastic and actually makes me smile from time to time so that is something. My family often worries about my being alone but not so much because of the safety issues of a young woman being alone more than an hour away from everyone but due to the fact that it is well known I have a bit of trouble being alone rather than on my own. Some demons will never lay to rest regardless of how much quieter they have seemed to grow over the years. Some are even more persistent and prove more vicious with their age. Now would be the time for the wry chuckle and the melancholy expression but alas I can only give a brief smirk at the thought.
As far as this rambling goes I was merely having trouble sleeping and my mind seemed intent upon reflecting on why living in my own place affects me in the way that it does. My comma use could use some work but as I am trying to convey thoughts that are not so organized nor essay quality I find that anyone that should read this might forgive my lack of proper use of punctuation. Besides so far at one thousand words and counting I have yet to be corrected by Microsoft Word so perhaps it is merely my own criticism that makes my think as much. Misspellings are common place for me despite my vocabulary, which could in turn use some improvement. But as we are teachers in some fashions we are always students, a concept none of us should ever forget.
Ado and goodnight from here though I may very well add on to this at a later date should I remember to do so and find an interesting enough subject to write about. 6:10 A.M. on 9/27/10 a little less than twelve hours before I must go to my four hour criminology class. -Misa