Nothing Much . . .
It's a rant of sorts, just had to get a few thoughts out is all . . .
Currently, I'm just sitting here listening to music and thinking. Most of my calm and lazy days consist of curling up by the computer reading fan fiction or rereading fan fiction really. I've thought back on the last 18 months of my life and how much even the smallest things have changed. I've also been thinking a great deal about the many stories I have as of yet had any drive to work on and how frustrating that can be. I want to work on various pieces I have going but yet when I stare at the still untyped chapters and the mocking blank document I can't summon the passion to write, does that make any sense? Who am I asking anyway, I'm the only one that seems to read these journal entries, well they are journal entries after all so go figure right? There I go again asking people who are not there.
Anyway, so I've done a lot of thinking over the course of the last few months. I have a half way finished book, a nowhere near finished crossover, and multiple multi-chapter stories I haven't touched in over six months. I could go psychologist on myself here and say that the stress has gotten to me or I've spent the last eighteen months doing nothing but writing essays so of course there is a lag in the less formal and more complex intricacies that makes up my original or fan fiction works . . . or even say that the depression or some such have greatly affected my creative nature or some such I guess. But when I think about I just think its a combination of all of the above as well as the fact that I am trying to force myself to write rather than just letting it come back to me. Takes some practice in patience but I know I am hardly the first writer out there to end up in a slump where they just don't want to write at the moment.
Supposedly, and this is according to horoscopes which only get it right 10% of the time anyway, I'm an a social creature. Which a few of my friends might laugh at hearing but I've found is actually rather true. Living on my own I found was much harder emotionally than anything and I really do need to interact with people to feel well like I'm really here in this world. Sure chatting with friends online helps a bit when I manage to catch anyone worth talking to online, but its different from actually going out and meeting with friends. Those are few and far between in a new city and I'm hardly the social butterfly or the outgoing type when it comes to meeting new people so that's a catch twenty-two.
The other things I know contribute to this lack of passion to write has a lot to do with my needing a fresh of breath air so to speak. College is great and all, made a few friends I hope I can keep in touch with and I'm part of a national fraternity and that's fulfilling as well as educational, but well its still college and I'm a student first and foremost. Then there is this 'not working' thing I am doing (not by choice-believe me, I'm not a fan of not having my own funds to pay for my own things) so I can accompany my youngest brother on a vacation (I did spend an entire year away from home to finish college so he frankly told me I have to go-which is fine a vacation will do everyone some good). That's aggravating and family drama that could be absolved if the adults were more adult-like but well that will just make me even more aggravated if I explained it. Too much drama and stress and just 'little' things going on to not be frustrating.
Back to where I was talking about the subtle and small changes I've noticed within myself over the last 18 months . . . I've become complacent about a few things-drama, school, work, life in general-and that is headache inducing for the simple fact that I use the term complacent in the negative sense. I've also noticed my lack of drive, my lack of a sense of accomplishment (though that's always been there, trust me-not even high school or graduating from college or surviving the things I have has changed that) and of course the fact that I am aware of what I have to grateful for and I feel indifferent about it. But the biggest bothersome change was when I moved back home. Family keeping secrets, lying to me about things I do know the truth of, causing fights because of the hostility that was created because of the events everyone kept quiet about, and the general hostile-not homey-not happy atmosphere that has poisoned the place that is supposed to be safe, secure, home.
Home is where the heart is, right? Well it seems to me that no ones hearts are here, hell it feels like everyone has their hearts caged up because of the lack of trust and all that that brings with it. I should not be forced into a defensive state around my family, that's not how it is supposed to work and not with our family. Nearly four years ago everything changed and now its changed again and neither are good changes to look back on. Those four years ago everything came to a screeching halt and while I nor anyone else I know will ever forget that night it becomes much more vivid the closer the anniversary of that fateful day gets.
I can't believe its nearly been four years already . . . but again, not ready to post that story on a website and even were I ready I'd still be hesitant, too personal for all those involved. But yeah, life changed drastically, traumatically, and irreversibly that day and that's why the course of my life and my writing and everything else changed. I began to really watch for the small things, appreciate the small seemingly insignificant moments a lot more, really became grateful for every happy moment we could squeeze out of life. But there was such a high price for that eye opener, one that will be there forever, one that makes me thank the powers that be that I and those around me had the chance to learn. It was still a dark, harsh, and frightening time and now I'm faced with the dilemma of straightening things before something truly life altering can happen.
Well, I already made my mind up on a number of matters and on how I'm going to change things around here. I'm going to stay at home, get a job, and go for my second college degree (even though I will have to commute to another city forty miles from here to do it) and I'm not going to back down. Even when I don't have this sense of accomplishment; because life is life and well I made my choices to accomplish what I have and I did so everyone can be proud but I'm not because I said I would do it and well I did, I do what I say I'm going to do. I can be cold-hearted when I need to be, and I can be callous and vicious as well but mostly it comes with being protective and family oriented and well a big sister I guess. So yeah, I have another college degree to aim for, a job to get and keep for the next two years, and a graduate college to look for along with getting rid of the poison that has seeped into the hearts of my family.
On a lighter note, I have my best friends wedding to get ready for (which basically entails getting the money to go) and hopefully I will have time this next month to make it to Ren' Fest and I will also get to go to Ikkicon and Mardi Gras in Mississippi (Bay St. Louis) and generally have a blast at Nationals (ACJA) in March, things to look forward to. My closing note will be that once the choice has been made their is no looking back. I'm pretty good at that one at least, I do stick to my guns when I make a decision even if it turns out to not be so great (the college I decided to go to for instance) but I still finish what I start unless the choice is taken away from me (Navy). So yeah, finish what you start and don't be so afraid of the consequences because one way or another we get past it and keep going, No Looking Back (hence the Icon).
Merry meet and merry be and the New Year comes to be to all ye I say Blessed Be.
Currently, I'm just sitting here listening to music and thinking. Most of my calm and lazy days consist of curling up by the computer reading fan fiction or rereading fan fiction really. I've thought back on the last 18 months of my life and how much even the smallest things have changed. I've also been thinking a great deal about the many stories I have as of yet had any drive to work on and how frustrating that can be. I want to work on various pieces I have going but yet when I stare at the still untyped chapters and the mocking blank document I can't summon the passion to write, does that make any sense? Who am I asking anyway, I'm the only one that seems to read these journal entries, well they are journal entries after all so go figure right? There I go again asking people who are not there.
Anyway, so I've done a lot of thinking over the course of the last few months. I have a half way finished book, a nowhere near finished crossover, and multiple multi-chapter stories I haven't touched in over six months. I could go psychologist on myself here and say that the stress has gotten to me or I've spent the last eighteen months doing nothing but writing essays so of course there is a lag in the less formal and more complex intricacies that makes up my original or fan fiction works . . . or even say that the depression or some such have greatly affected my creative nature or some such I guess. But when I think about I just think its a combination of all of the above as well as the fact that I am trying to force myself to write rather than just letting it come back to me. Takes some practice in patience but I know I am hardly the first writer out there to end up in a slump where they just don't want to write at the moment.
Supposedly, and this is according to horoscopes which only get it right 10% of the time anyway, I'm an a social creature. Which a few of my friends might laugh at hearing but I've found is actually rather true. Living on my own I found was much harder emotionally than anything and I really do need to interact with people to feel well like I'm really here in this world. Sure chatting with friends online helps a bit when I manage to catch anyone worth talking to online, but its different from actually going out and meeting with friends. Those are few and far between in a new city and I'm hardly the social butterfly or the outgoing type when it comes to meeting new people so that's a catch twenty-two.
The other things I know contribute to this lack of passion to write has a lot to do with my needing a fresh of breath air so to speak. College is great and all, made a few friends I hope I can keep in touch with and I'm part of a national fraternity and that's fulfilling as well as educational, but well its still college and I'm a student first and foremost. Then there is this 'not working' thing I am doing (not by choice-believe me, I'm not a fan of not having my own funds to pay for my own things) so I can accompany my youngest brother on a vacation (I did spend an entire year away from home to finish college so he frankly told me I have to go-which is fine a vacation will do everyone some good). That's aggravating and family drama that could be absolved if the adults were more adult-like but well that will just make me even more aggravated if I explained it. Too much drama and stress and just 'little' things going on to not be frustrating.
Back to where I was talking about the subtle and small changes I've noticed within myself over the last 18 months . . . I've become complacent about a few things-drama, school, work, life in general-and that is headache inducing for the simple fact that I use the term complacent in the negative sense. I've also noticed my lack of drive, my lack of a sense of accomplishment (though that's always been there, trust me-not even high school or graduating from college or surviving the things I have has changed that) and of course the fact that I am aware of what I have to grateful for and I feel indifferent about it. But the biggest bothersome change was when I moved back home. Family keeping secrets, lying to me about things I do know the truth of, causing fights because of the hostility that was created because of the events everyone kept quiet about, and the general hostile-not homey-not happy atmosphere that has poisoned the place that is supposed to be safe, secure, home.
Home is where the heart is, right? Well it seems to me that no ones hearts are here, hell it feels like everyone has their hearts caged up because of the lack of trust and all that that brings with it. I should not be forced into a defensive state around my family, that's not how it is supposed to work and not with our family. Nearly four years ago everything changed and now its changed again and neither are good changes to look back on. Those four years ago everything came to a screeching halt and while I nor anyone else I know will ever forget that night it becomes much more vivid the closer the anniversary of that fateful day gets.
I can't believe its nearly been four years already . . . but again, not ready to post that story on a website and even were I ready I'd still be hesitant, too personal for all those involved. But yeah, life changed drastically, traumatically, and irreversibly that day and that's why the course of my life and my writing and everything else changed. I began to really watch for the small things, appreciate the small seemingly insignificant moments a lot more, really became grateful for every happy moment we could squeeze out of life. But there was such a high price for that eye opener, one that will be there forever, one that makes me thank the powers that be that I and those around me had the chance to learn. It was still a dark, harsh, and frightening time and now I'm faced with the dilemma of straightening things before something truly life altering can happen.
Well, I already made my mind up on a number of matters and on how I'm going to change things around here. I'm going to stay at home, get a job, and go for my second college degree (even though I will have to commute to another city forty miles from here to do it) and I'm not going to back down. Even when I don't have this sense of accomplishment; because life is life and well I made my choices to accomplish what I have and I did so everyone can be proud but I'm not because I said I would do it and well I did, I do what I say I'm going to do. I can be cold-hearted when I need to be, and I can be callous and vicious as well but mostly it comes with being protective and family oriented and well a big sister I guess. So yeah, I have another college degree to aim for, a job to get and keep for the next two years, and a graduate college to look for along with getting rid of the poison that has seeped into the hearts of my family.
On a lighter note, I have my best friends wedding to get ready for (which basically entails getting the money to go) and hopefully I will have time this next month to make it to Ren' Fest and I will also get to go to Ikkicon and Mardi Gras in Mississippi (Bay St. Louis) and generally have a blast at Nationals (ACJA) in March, things to look forward to. My closing note will be that once the choice has been made their is no looking back. I'm pretty good at that one at least, I do stick to my guns when I make a decision even if it turns out to not be so great (the college I decided to go to for instance) but I still finish what I start unless the choice is taken away from me (Navy). So yeah, finish what you start and don't be so afraid of the consequences because one way or another we get past it and keep going, No Looking Back (hence the Icon).
Merry meet and merry be and the New Year comes to be to all ye I say Blessed Be.