I get how you feel. I feel the same way about myself.
I still don't know where to go. But it helps that I've encountered a few others like you who aren't afraid to express how alienated they feel in the so-called gay community. It actually helps to hear those viewpoints.
"Alienated" is probably the perfect term to describe how I feel. I don't belong with the straight people, obviously, because... well... I don't want to be with a woman. I don't feel as if I belong with the gays because I don't seem to be the "norm" when it comes to relationships. What got me upset last night was how I was viewed as being weird for not wanting to hook up with random men at the gay bar. I was told, "Take advantage of the fact that Tom's out of town. He doesn't have to know that you hooked up with some guy," and I was like, "Uhm... I'm in a committed relationship with Tom. Like, we're legally married. Why would I want to hook up with some random man?" and Gay Friend Daniel totally didn't seem to get that concept and my values. Maybe if I were as good looking as Gay Friend Daniel, or had a nice body like Gay Friend Daniel, or was confident about myself as Gay Friend Daniel -- like, Gay Friend Daniel knows that he can have any man he wants, says that he can have any man he wants, and truly does get any man he wants -- then
( ... )
Maybe it's counterproductive, but I've just gone ahead and decided to shun the gay community right back. I don't really need the gay community. I have my family, my partner, and a few close friends, and that's all that I need.
Also, my close friends understand that I'm perfectly willing to call them out on their bullshit. I've had friends like your Gay Friend Daniel, and they know that if they pull that kind of crap with me, trying to get me to behave like all the other gay clones, I'll call them out on being clones and point out all the ways their endless cycle of hookups is empty and probably compensating for a lot of other things going on in their lives. In other words - THEY'RE the weird, damaged ones, not me.
I think you should do that too. OWN your misfit status. You don't need to be like the clones. You're YOU!
Sorry, I know all this might be totally trite, but I think it's still true. Hugs!
Well, I do know that Gay Friend Daniel is in a very unhappy relationship right now and he's been trying to leave his boyfriend of three years for the past year or so but he's unable to because they're in one of those codependent relationships. He went and got sucked off in the back corner of the bar and I may have judged him, which I know I shouldn't have, but I just really hate how he succeeded in making me feel like I'm the weird one for not wanting to hook up with some random man at the bar just because Tom was out of town. "But this is what we do in the Gay Community," he said
( ... )
Would love to read your post and your sensations of feeling as if you don't belong here nor there. It's a pretty hard thing to write about, actually, because you're totally exposing your vulnerability.
You're down in Ft. Myers now, yes? The next time I'm visiting Tom's family in Bradenton, I'll need to make sure I make plans to make the drive down and visit you so I can get a hug.
Ah, I am with you on the fantasizing part. I secretly wish it was the 70's again and we could fuck whoever without worrying- and I totally would! LOL! I haven't had any anonymous encounters but plenty of hookups. Not anonymous in that I screened them well but they were still hookups. I find the older I get, the less fun it is, though. However, I think the hottest porn in the world is condomless random ones where they wait ass up for their hookup to come. Fuck and go. It's so hot to watch. LOL. *blushes*. Ha Ha! Thank goodness for Xtube! ;)
I really don't feel attractive, David. I always feel self conscious and it, most likely, just stems from the years of being teased as I was growing up, and now feeling as if I'm not fitting in anywhere within the Gay Community regardless of where I go.
I just want to fit in somewhere. I'm tired of being the outcast. I'm tired of being scared. I want to be liked. I want to feel attractive. I want to be appreciated.
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I still don't know where to go. But it helps that I've encountered a few others like you who aren't afraid to express how alienated they feel in the so-called gay community. It actually helps to hear those viewpoints.
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Also, my close friends understand that I'm perfectly willing to call them out on their bullshit. I've had friends like your Gay Friend Daniel, and they know that if they pull that kind of crap with me, trying to get me to behave like all the other gay clones, I'll call them out on being clones and point out all the ways their endless cycle of hookups is empty and probably compensating for a lot of other things going on in their lives. In other words - THEY'RE the weird, damaged ones, not me.
I think you should do that too. OWN your misfit status. You don't need to be like the clones. You're YOU!
Sorry, I know all this might be totally trite, but I think it's still true. Hugs!
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You're down in Ft. Myers now, yes? The next time I'm visiting Tom's family in Bradenton, I'll need to make sure I make plans to make the drive down and visit you so I can get a hug.
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I just want to fit in somewhere. I'm tired of being the outcast. I'm tired of being scared. I want to be liked. I want to feel attractive. I want to be appreciated.
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