Because I know who/what this is about, I did find it a little difficult to detach, but hey, detaching is a skill I'm trying to practice and practice makes perfect!
I honestly found it engaging - I haven't read any of your writing in ages and I think you've really improved a lot... many lots. I like the first verse/paragraph, I'm not so sure about the second one. I do think the idea of those two paragraphs is a good one, i tried reading it without them and I think they should stay.
i like the first two paragraphs, i think it gives a nice direction, i dunno some kind of focus. i like how the second bit explains how you can so vividly recall the birthday section, and then the rest of the dates are vague and only the feelings and impressions are left. i found it really engaging, but not sure if i'm biased. there were a couple lines every now and then that just sort of grabbed me and gave me a little jolt.
i think the only sentence that didn't flow for me was "I ended up with ridiculous straight hair that was at that awkward length: neither a style nor a decent length and blush that made my naturally apricot cheeks become a nasty shade of lolly." im probably being picky, but something doesn't feel right. i like each idea separately... not sure. even a comma might do the trick, beteen the two ideas? '..decent length, and blush
( ... )
thank you so so much for your help. and don't worry about being picky - that's exactly what I wanted you to be. I agree about the clumsy sentence. I was reworking it tonight actually. I think the use of the word length twice in such short time makes it quite awkward and the comma is definately a suggestion I'll be implementing.
How does this sound for a replacement sentence:
I ended up with awkward straight hair that was neither a style nor a decent length, and blush that made my naturally apricot cheeks become a nasty shade of lolly.
let me know what you think. Thanks so much for your help! love love
hell yes, power to the comma :) and yes that sounds much better! good job katems. looking forward to reading more when you get round to writing/posting
Comments 5
I honestly found it engaging - I haven't read any of your writing in ages and I think you've really improved a lot... many lots. I like the first verse/paragraph, I'm not so sure about the second one. I do think the idea of those two paragraphs is a good one, i tried reading it without them and I think they should stay.
I've just read it again... this is amazing.
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i found it really engaging, but not sure if i'm biased. there were a couple lines every now and then that just sort of grabbed me and gave me a little jolt.
i think the only sentence that didn't flow for me was
"I ended up with ridiculous straight hair that was at that awkward length: neither a style nor a decent length and blush that made my naturally apricot cheeks become a nasty shade of lolly."
im probably being picky, but something doesn't feel right. i like each idea separately... not sure. even a comma might do the trick, beteen the two ideas? '..decent length, and blush ( ... )
Reply
Reply
How does this sound for a replacement sentence:
I ended up with awkward straight hair that was neither a style nor a decent length, and blush that made my naturally apricot cheeks become a nasty shade of lolly.
let me know what you think. Thanks so much for your help! love love
Reply
and yes that sounds much better! good job katems.
looking forward to reading more when you get round to writing/posting
love you,
amo
xx
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