(no subject)
just realized something .. u always want what u cant have .. actually i did have it but now i dont anymore and its relaly my fault even though i moved i could have not said the things i said and then make them think i live this awful life and then make them feel bad about themselves .. wtf is wrong w/ me and now ohe i have this big ass count down until i cmoe back and the big reason y i wanted to come back .. not worth it anymore b/c its taken away and no longer mine. i dont understand y im such an idiot and you know what bothers me .. how you know how to solve ur problem after it already happened and now its too late i dk maybe i make no sense but i just feel that everything i have is always taken away from me and right when i feel everything is ok .. everything just vanishes and BOOM I feel liek shit .. again im not gonna list what has happened to me b/c you all pretty much know its just i kno that this time i relaly have no control over it and b/c me.. bianca is always being a bitch and selfish and when somebody treats me good i just blow them off or lie to them or make them feel bad about themselves and judging them .. ill admitt it .. im a horrible person but its just like this one thing is all i wanted in life .. the real reason y i work my ass off in school so i can come back and bust my ass in the sun trying to make money just to see this one thing .. which shouldnt even b the most important tthign to me but i find it is beacuse im this horrible person i lost it and i dk i could blame it on yea well i moved and they r on the other side of the country blah blah blah w.e but i realized that, that isnt the real reason and if i tell myself its thta im just lieing to myself and everybody else i dk im just really upset right now and its not its fault and they r tryin to make me feel bad b/c htey probably dont even know i feel bad b/c i make them feel liek shit most of the time anyways i coud seriously write down everythign i have done to this person and i still dotn understand y they still talked tom e .. if somebody said half the shit i said to this person i would never even look or think bout that perosn again but for somereason this person is forgiving even though they get pissed at me and dont tlak to me for sometimes weeks at a time .. but w.e i guess atleast we r stillf riends even though i didnt want just that but at this rate thats waht its gonna b and im talking in cirlces b/c im jsut a really confused person right now and i kno no body is gonna read this b/c its to fucking long but i really just needed to let that out b/c this is somethign that is really truly bothering mea nd its not me being dramatic