I am number one

[babochi]

Genre: Angst, romance
Rating: PG-15 so far
Summary: Seunghyun watches, reaches out for, cares for, loves his hardworking, seemingly careless Jiyong. Although maybe onesided, Seunghyun thinks it's the only thing he will ever be able to feel.
A/N: I'm trying something new with this fic! It's still in progress. It's based on something Jiyong might've said, if the fanaccount was true. I'll put it up on the last chapter.


‘He’s in another slump,’ Seunghyun thinks to himself as he watches
the lanky body fooling around the practice room floor, making everyone
laugh at his weird antics. Youngbae is running over to stop him from
dislocating his shoulder or something while Daesung is on the floor
laughing along with the dancers as Jiyong twists his body weirdly with a
funny expression. He’s wearing that shit eating grin on his face and
although Seunghyun might be slow, he’s not as stupid as he makes other
people believe. He’s been watching, observing for far too long, longer
than he can actually remember to be honest, and he can easily see when
their leader has some kind of problem. Still, why doesn’t anyone else
notice it, Jiyong is not that good at acting.

Even so he can’t stop himself from laughing at his younger friend, finding
the antics funny as well and ignoring the tiny, almost unnoticeable
sting of regret that hits him. Seunghyun can easily reach out, ask about
his problems and maybe be a good hyung for once, but he doesn’t. Why,
he does not know. Maybe because it isn’t any of his business, or maybe
it’s because he’s the strong ‘Kwon Leadah,’ but then he thinks again and
the only answer he finds is just because it’s Jiyong. After all this
time passed he doesn’t see the leader as a strong, independent front
figure anymore and it makes him scoff because yeah, he must’ve been watching for too long.

Jiyong plops down next to him on the bench out of breath and sweat dripping
from his hairline. Seunghyun shifts to clear his thoughts and briefly
considers asking him now that he’s right next to him.

“How are you feeling?” The words blurt out of his mouth before he can
prevent them and he grimaces on the inside while acting casual on the
outside. Jiyong keeps looking forward with a steady nod of his head,
completely in sync with the beat emerging from the speakers as Youngbae
invents another dance that could compete with his food dance.

“Tired as hell but good,” he answers flawlessly and Seunghyun sees straight
through his blatant lie as if he was transparent. Of course, Jiyong
doesn’t know this. Only he knows, but he still doesn’t make any further
move and shifts his gaze to Youngbae as well, mirroring his grin with
his own.

If he was to explain how he knew Jiyong was in another slump, it was by his amount of work. Although the younger man
had finished vast amount of work by staying up for several nights and
not going home even when Seunghyun dropped by in the morning, more work
always magically reappeared. There is always something that needs to be
written, recorded or edited. If not, Jiyong will find someone that needs
his help. He never goes to do choreography because that involves
Youngbae or Seungri, and that might rat him out. Or so Seunghyun
believes at least. Which leads him back to the thought that he might’ve
been observing a bit too much. Whenever Jiyong reaches a stand still,
he works more, harder and Seunghyun rarely hears about him ever leaving
the YG building. He admits he’s a bit concerned but it’s Jiyong and yeah, he can’t say it.

This time something seems off though, and he can’t quite pinpoint it.
Jiyong’s grin is wider than usual and he’s a bit too energetic after
being up for almost two days now. Seunghyun knows this only because he
spent the night with him in the recording booth, working on some song
they might finish and deem ready for release if Jiyong finds it perfect.
Chances of that are still closer to zero than anything but that’s
something everyone knows, because if they didn’t have this attitude,
Bigbang would not be this popular.

“Are we doing this again?” He sighs and sulks a bit at having to record the same thing one more time, only with a slightly different beat. Daesung sits down next to him though, bringing his cheerfulness along
with him and generally making the world a better place to be. He cracks a
stupid joke that makes them all laugh and only a few seconds pass
before Seunghyun has him in an almost painful headlock because he’s
being lame. In the corner of his eye he sees Jiyong making notes while
Seungri uses the opportunity to sing old commercials into the
microphone. Youngbae is hunched over in a chair, listening to his own
music and Seunghyun almost thinks he’s home had it not been for Jiyong’s
excessive glee and happiness. He wonders if he might be reading the
signs wrong and he himself needs sleep more than anything. But the
longer he keeps his gaze on the younger man, the more obvious it becomes
and again he wonders how the other people around them don’t notice.

“We’re doing it again, hyung, but don’t worry, you can leave soon,” Jiyong
mumbles and writes a few more letters before shifting his focus back on
Seungri.

“Oh, alright.” Suddenly he doesn’t feel like leaving anymore and he finds it strange because usually he would want
nothing more than to slink back to his apartment and enjoy a glass of
wine accompanied by no one else but himself. However he has stopped
questioned this thought because this is not the first time it pops up in
his head. Solitude and alcohol sounds tedious now, and he thinks that
maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that he hasn’t been in the
studio for a while.

Jiyongs voice is tired but unwavering, he almost sounds like he’s nervous but it’s probably just
him overanalyzing it again. Tonight, Seunghyun is the one in charge of
being funny along with Daesung and it’s how it’s supposed to be. He
doesn’t want to admit it but it’s nice to hear Jiyong laugh, refreshing
even and although he refrains from thinking too much about it, he
catches himself smiling whenever their leader is.

“Let’s take a break,” Seunghyun says after a while. Seungri is sleeping on the
couch, occupying the whole thing and Seunghyun is just tired of sitting
on the chair really. His feet are itching to move, his body wants its
daily poison and he’s not about to deny himself that. It’s automatic,
and he feels a bit proud, that Jiyong follows him outside for a smoke.
They usually do it together, being the minority of unhealthy people in
their group. His body shivers after standing outside for a few minutes
either because he’s tired or because it’s cold but Jiyong seems
perfectly fine. The latter snatches a smoke from him with a cheeky grin
and he can’t help but chuckle and punch him lightly on the shoulder.

“Seriously though, we should take a break,” He says without looking at Jiyong, but
he can tell the man is completely unfazed even though he knows the
hidden meaning behind the words. Now he can tell Jiyong knows Seunghyun
can see straight through him, but he pretends he can’t. Why, he does not
know. He should know he’s not talking about Bigbang, not the others but
actually Jiyong. Still, they continue smoking in comfortable silence
until the younger man decides to break it.

“You know how it is,” he blows smoke through slightly parted teeth and bites his
lower lip, tapping his forefinger against the railing he’s leaning on.
“It has to be perfect or it’s not Bigbang.” Seunghyun has actually
figured it out a long time ago. Jiyong works anytime, anywhere and even
though he blames it on being young and restless to every single
interviewer or reporter, he knows there is some other hidden reason.
There has to be, because it’s starting to become a ridiculous amount and
Jiyong is starting to become ridiculously skinny.

“I know,” Seunghyun inhales and makes a dramatic pause before sighing. “But you’re being too much.”

Now, finally, Jiyong looks at him.

“What?”

Or it might be a glance only, Seunghyun isn’t sure, but he’s pretty
certain he made him angry. He means it well though, he just doesn’t
mention that. The brown eyes turn back again and he’s a bit
disappointed.

“What is this, are you scolding me?” Seunghyun watches him inhale the smoke one last time before throwing it
on the ground and stepping on it a bit harder than necessary. It makes
him wince. Jiyong was certainly able to match his own childishness if he
wanted to.

“No, I’m just saying…” He doesn’t really know what he’s saying but Jiyong is waiting expectantly and he really
doesn’t want to fight with him. “That… I mean… Shit.” The younger quirks
and eyebrow and eyes him up and down.

“Now I think you’re being a bit too much, hyung.” And then he leaves the older behind,
leaving him standing awkwardly in the cold and he thinks that he might
have to choose something wiser to say next time.

Time passes and Jiyong is still in the same slump that he can’t get out of,
making Seunghyun even more positive that this time it’s different.
Because even Youngbae isn’t aware and it’s almost alarming how little
he’s sleeping nowadays. The older watches him function in daily life and
now it can’t be called functioning any more just… existing in their
world. Jiyong’s eyes are blank when he talks and Seunghyun wants to pick
him up, tuck him into bed and lock him up with a lot of food. Maybe
even force it down his throat but that might be too scary. He can’t help
but care, he’s known Jiyong for many years. Hell, he’s got a lot of
precious people in his life but Jiyong is different. By now he’s itching to know what’s wrong with him and why he keeps torturing himself.

It doesn’t take long before Jiyong starts becoming quiet when he thinks no
one is looking, except Seunghyun is, he’s watching his every move and
whenever his smile drops he naturally diverts everyone’s attention to
himself so Jiyong can catch a break. Although Jiyong doesn’t know, he
rewards himself by seeing how the younger brightens a little after the
small gesture, preventing an inevitable breakdown for another while.
Seunghyun doesn’t really know what he’s doing but at least he’s doing something.

“He usually tells me these things, I guess it’s not that bad this time,”
Youngbae answers him after he pulls him away to ask about Jiyong’s
slump, and although it’s obvious that Jiyong’s best friend knows about
it, he’s not watching his every move like Seunghyun does.  He hums and
sends Youngbae off, a little worried that his good friend might tell
their leader that he asked but he hoped he wouldn’t. Just this once at
least.

Sometimes Jiyong’s acting is so good that Seunghyun starts doubting himself. Seeing how the
younger man acts so naturally like he doesn’t have a care in the world
makes him wonder if he’s just imagining things. But when he lets his
eyes linger longer than his usual attention span, he proves himself
right every time as Jiyong kind of disappears into nothing when other
people look away. Though magically he appears when someone talks to him
because he’s usually the center of attention, unable to escape his
popularity and good nature.

Slowly but surely it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to not say anything, but they’re
still friends so Seunghyun doesn’t feel obligated to book an appointment
every time he wanted to sit down and chat with Jiyong.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” He sinks into the seat next to him and adjusts his
hat while the others chat away happily about something Teddy did to
Chaerin the other day. Jiyong gives him a small smile and kicks at his
feet before downing his glass of wine.

“Not yet,” Jiyong snickers and leans his head back so he’s looking at the ceiling as if there’s something interesting up there.

“Why not?” It’s a simple question because Jiyong usually enjoys being tipsy.
Tipsy equals funny and outspoken and it was pure fun. A sigh escapes
the plump lips and the brown eyes yet again search his own for an
answer.

“Why are you being like this?” Clearly he hasn’t forgotten about the other day and Seunghyun slightly panics.
“Youngbae told me you’re worried about me, finally you’re being a good
hyung,” Jiyong teases him and he’s almost happy about it. He makes a
mental note to not ask Youngbae about Jiyong anymore though.

“Let’s have sushi tomorrow,” It’s a good idea, Jiyong owes him a dinner
anyway. At least after all he’s done for him, although he doesn’t know.
Suspicious eyes meet his gaze and a few excruciating moments pass before
the smaller rapper looks into his glass and complies with a nod.
Butterflies do flip flops in his stomach and he bounces his leg up and
down while he tries to ignore it. He doesn’t want to seem too happy that
he finally can get some alone time with the other male.

They decide to have late dinner sushi and Seunghyun appropriately names one
of the sour looking fishes Jiyong as they enter the restaurant they
frequently visit. By now it’s almost unoccupied and they manage to sneak
away into a corner and have their dinner in peace. Neither of them
really eats a lot but Seunghyun orders slightly more in case he feels
the urge to force feed his dongsaeng some of it.

“I need to get back in a couple of hours; Kush wants me to go through a
song with him,” Jiyong states simply and fills his mouth with a piece of
salmon, chewing it slowly while looking at him through drowsy eyes. The
older rolls his eyes at him and points his chopsticks at him rudely,
knowing he already crossed a border in less than an hour of being
together.

“I think you should reconsider that,” he feels bold but tries not to think in case his confidence might disappear
in an instant. Also while Jiyong is frowning at him, he uses the same
chopsticks to move a piece of his own dinner to the other plate. It
seems like a success because the younger is still waiting for something
to follow up on that sentence. “When did you last sleep?”

“Yesterday?” He retaliates quickly and scoffs at his hyung.

“I mean more than two hours, a nap on the couch is not sleeping,” However
clear his voice must sound it’s ridiculous how much his stomach churns
at his own words and how unconfident he feels inside. Seunghyun is
usually the one that needs a pep talk but sometimes their precious
leader needs to be on the receiving end as well. He’s not really
depressed, he finds it difficult to explain, there’s more of an
underlying desperation that he needs to uncover and Jiyong is currently
making it very hard to achieve.

Another weird snort sounds from Jiyong and he shakes his head before eating the piece of
sushi he never noticed was transferred from Seunghyun.

“I can sleep later, there are some things I need to finish,” Finally he
gets the reaction he needs and that’s a sleepy yawn brought forth by a
full stomach. He’s secretly hoping Jiyong will be so sleepy later that
he’ll just forget everything and go sleep. It’s worth a shot really.

“Like what?” He rests his head in his hands and watches the other lazily, his otherwise cool appearance destroyed.

“I told you already and besides, we haven’t released anything for a while.
Nothing. So we’re working hard now,” The second yawn he’s been waiting
for appears and he gets a sense of triumph as he watches him stretch his
lanky arms above his head.

“Why?” Unfortunately for him, Jiyong never answers that. They just continue picking at their food
and Seunghyun doesn’t pursue the question, only accepts the silent
answer as a rebellious act.

Actually Seunghyun didn’t have much trouble accepting the fact that he might
care for Jiyong a little more than he should. It wasn’t like he just
woke up one day and decided to be gay, no, it wasn’t that bad. Maybe
it’s because they’ve been friends for so long that the small gap between
friendship and love wasn’t all that hard to breach. Or maybe he’s been
too laidback about it all. Alright, he did actually freak out a tiny
bit. As soon as his thoughts never stopped evolving into Jiyong he
panicked, tried to think of other things he previously thought would
arouse him, cried unmanly tears, told himself that he wasn’t gay, drank a
few too many bottles of wine alone in the dark, met up with girls,
avoided work and slept. In the end nothing helped and with what would be
the thousandth sigh he decided to be gay. Only for Jiyong though, and
very much secretly. In fact it was turning out to not cause him too much
trouble, except for every time they were out partying and became even
better friends thanks to the alcohol. Just the glorious feeling of
having the blonde plastered to his arm had him freezing on the spot, and
they were kind of just leaning against each other. However, besides
that, Seunghyun has been determined to keep it a secret and wish for it
to go away when Jiyong finds himself a girl and stops being so god damn
available. He’d been getting the hang of it by now, although it took him
a few years, but now that he can obviously see his friend suffering
more than his usual self destruction, he can’t help but step dangerously
close to his own borders. Seems like he’s going to be able to keep his
weird feelings hidden for a while longer though, since Jiyong is all
wallowed up in his own hole, somehow trying to find his way out of it.
Seunghyun still wants to help him, give him a little push, but he knows
it’s a lie because all he wants to do is swoop Jiyong off his feet and
carry him out only to be his savior and collect his price. Which
inevitable was Jiyong.

All of this leads him to where he is now; in a never ending loop of frustration. He exits the
shower and towels his short hair, missing the comforting stream of hot
water already. After recording another too many songs, he went back to
his home and is currently having a little alone time. It feels nice
although he knows it won’t last for long because he needs to be watching
a certain someone. He enjoys his privacy though and trudges out in his
slippers and bathrobe to pour a glass of water which he plans on
enjoying immensely because showers made him thirsty for some reason.

His feet suffer as he steps out on the balcony to smoke later, inhaling and
exhaling while he tries to move his toes to keep them warm. It’s cold,
he tries not to shiver and listens to the slow humming around him coming
from the cars and people bustling about. Casually he admires a
beautiful dog walking by with its owner and he smiles when it pulls the
owner a little too hard, making a funny scene. Like this he continues
observing people below him until he hears the sound of a car entering
his front yard.

It’s like he can predict who it is because he doesn’t want to see, but still can’t hinder his own curiosity
so he ends up glancing over the railing anyway. Of course it’s a white
car and of course Jiyong is the one behind the wheel, walking
determinedly up to ring his doorbell. And of course Seunghyun can’t do
anything else but throw his smoke away and open the door, smirking at
the youngers incognito sunglass and weird hat-disguise.

However when Jiyong undresses in his living room, throwing his expensive
clothing over a chair, only then does he notice how disheveled he looks.
His eyes are still blank, there are dark circles under his eyes and
Seunghyun winces at the lost expression on his face.

“Sit,” He says and joins him on the couch in silence, waiting for him to say
something. “I hope you’re not here to make me go to work,” It’s a lame
joke and it fails terribly. The silence spreads and gnaws a hole in
Seunghyun’s soul. But he waits patiently, he’s becoming good at that
now.

“I might have been working too much,” Thank god, Jiyong finally admits it and he can’t help but quirk his lips slightly.
“And now I can’t stop,” This was good, really good. Jiyong was naturally
stubborn as a mule and hearing this confession made his heart swell.
But then the mood drops because Jiyong looks down into his lap and bites
his lower lip, fidgeting slightly with his silver rings.

“Well, then, let’s take a break,” He suggests carefully, not letting his gaze
falter from the other man. He knows this is serious but he’s not sure
how to go about it. Jiyong is not letting him in on anything and now
he’s here, on his couch, on the verge of breakdown and Seunghyun feels
it’s necessary to go deeper and find the reason behind this.

“You don’t understand, I can’t take a break, not anymore,” The sudden flash
of emotion startles him and his eyes widen, knowing fully well that this is it.
The younger man is ready to break out of his slump and it is
Seunghyun’s job to make it as painless as possible. Although it seems
impossible at this point.

“Why?” He tries again, now several days later and hopes he won’t be ignored again. Jiyong remains
quiet and his hope falters once again. But then he takes a deep breath
and raises his head, only to look straight forward into nothing. It’s as
if Seunghyun can feel his pain because his chest suddenly becomes
unbearably tight and it’s almost enough to make him lose his cool and
pull the man into a bone crushing hug which he hoped would take all the
pain away. He doesn’t do it though, he waits. Waits for the words to
emerge from his mouth and tries to prepare himself for whatever he might
say.

“Because I couldn’t make anything,” Jiyong’s voice is trembling slightly, and Seunghyun knows his pride must be
hurting, admitting this weakness to him. But they are friends; he wants
him to be able to confide in him sometimes even if he thinks he’s the
invincible leader. “You know why people love you, you have great looks,
personality and many talents,” He rambles but Seunghyun remains quiet
and tries to figure out where this is heading. When he’s silent for too
long he opens his mouth to speak but is silenced by the look Jiyong
gives him and ends up imitating a fish. The only thing he notices is the
bright red on the other man’s cheeks as he abruptly stands before
picking up his clothes, ready to make his leave.

“I’m sorry, hyung, just forget it,” Seunghyun follows him without much
consideration of his own actions and corners him against the wall,
effectively blocking his escape. “I’ll see you tomorrow anyway, I got to
go.” The older man just rolls his eyes and tries to catch his attention
by looking into his eyes. It seems to be successful as Jiyong stops
moving and surrenders against the wall, shoulders slumping.

“Tell me,” He tries putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Tries to seem
mature for once. “What were you trying to say?” He wants to listen to
what Jiyong needs to say and that requires him to be the mature one for a
few minutes.

“Everyone is so loved,” Jiyong breathes, still trying to avoid looking at him. “I know I’m good at making music
and being innovative, and my fans love me for it.” Seunghyun hums in
response because it’s true, his music is amazing.

“But, if I lose this, how will I make people love me? I can’t let the people
who love me down, they keep telling me to rest but what if… what if I
just…” It hits Seunghyun now, the reason behind all of this. Jiyong’s
insecurity is getting the best of him and he needs reassurance.
Somewhere along the way his reasoning must have been clouded, making him
unable to see what the truth was. Jiyong has always been loved, there
is more to him than just his songs and although not everyone sees it,
he’s pretty sure the majority does. Then again, if you’re as strong and
independent as Jiyong is, you might forget and there’s no one really
there to remind you of it.

Seunghyun’s resolve finally crumbles and he pulls Jiyong into an embrace, feeling his tense body
soften at the gesture after a short while. He doesn’t notice his own
body relaxing into the hug only when Jiyong returns it, arms looping
around his back to rest his warm palms on his shoulder blades,
reassuring Seunghyun that he isn’t going anywhere.

TBC.