I am number one 2/2
Genre: Angst, romance
Rating:
Summary: Seunghyun watches, reaches out for, cares for, loves his hardworking, seemingly careless Jiyong. Although maybe onesided, Seunghyun thinks it's the only thing he will ever be able to feel.
A/N: DONE. I struggled a bit but I hope you like it anyway!
Jiyong doesn’t know what is wrong with him. He really doesn’t see it. With the intention of spilling his guts out to the one person that might actually care about what he said, despite his demeanor that usually showed otherwise, he came to Seunghyun’s house. It wasn’t supposed to be difficult but as soon as he sat down facing the older man, his resolve crumbled to pieces. He wants to sink into the ground and hide forever, embarrassment and shame clouding his mind. It’s like his only anchor - the one thing keeping him steady and grounded - is the strong arms circling his body. It would be a lie to avoid thinking that he might be content with staying in the safe embrace forever. Tears are for onc not scaping his tired eyes, he’s had enough of them. They’re not needed anymore.
A small sigh comes from his older friend and the warm breath hits his neck, causing him to shiver involuntarily. There’s a turmoil of feelings going through his brain at this time, now it feels like his emotions has returned and the continual drive &ndash need ndash; of having to work constantly to prove himself is gradually fading away. Only gradually though but even so he welcomes it.
“No one will love me if I stop…” He whispers into the fabric of Seunghyun’s bathrobe. The words spilling from his mouth are relentless in their hold of his mindset and Jiyong keeps convincing himself that it’s true despite the warm arms that are currently telling how much he actually is loved. Seunghyun remains quiet, Jiyong feels his grip tighten and it’s as if something is left unsaid but he has the feeling that the older man refuses to say it even if he asks.
The words were a confession, he had to admit, and it does not feel good to have said it. Now another person knows about his weakness and although he trusts Seunghyun and every Bigbang member with his life he’s always been too easily giving his heart away. Then, as if the moment ended, Seunghyun pulls away slowly and looks him in the eyes with those deep eyes.
“You know that’s not true.” Jiyong stares at him defiantly, not accepting that response.
“How do you know? If you were in my place, it woul-”
“Do you really need that many people to love you though?” Seunghyun rudely interrupts him and Jiyong glares slightly, feeling a bit annoyed about the loss of the arms and the fact that the other man is dismissing his words. “I mean, I’m not good with words but… You know there are a lot of people here that would stand by your side no matter what, right?”
Jiyong bites his lower lip while waiting for him to speak further. If he doesn’t then tears might start running down his cheeks so he remains quiet and listens to that comforting, deep voice.
“And if not, then, what if, just what if one person loved you enough to keep you from thinking those ugly thoughts?” The words aren’t quite sinking in yet so Jiyong’s brows furrow while he’s trying to understand what Seunghyun is stuttering and mumbling about. Seunghyun’s cheeks turn red as he falters and Jiyong is fascinated by it.
“What?” It’s all he manages to blurt out. He kind of wants to laugh but it’s not funny and clearly he’s dead serious so he waits again for a more coherent sentence that could make sense to his brain.
“I’m saying tha fuck, I might… want to be that person.” Something clicks in his brain then, and it firmly shuts down because what Seunghyun just said wasn’t possible. He can’t stop his eyes from widening and he grips the calloused hand that is covering the olders embarrassed face and pulls hard, uncovering it swiftly.
“You’re saying you’re i love it me? In a non-brotherly way?” Jiyong doesn’t want to believe this and anger is slowly building inside him. Of all the times, this is what he says?
“Jiyon-”
“No, answer me! Yes or no?” Refusing anything other than a simple answer to this question seems logical in his confused mind. A part of him wants him to say no, another doesn’t know what it wants. He watches the taller man struggle with his answer, his face making various expressions before accepting defeat and finally speaking.
“Yes.” The word is spoken so quietly that Jiyong almost didn’t hear it, he only reads it on his lips and it’s enough. Jiyong resists the urge to punch him in the face for god knows what reason and senses that it’s time he retreated. He’s never been gay, he never though Seunghyun was either and frankly he’s got enough of his own problems to deal with. Because he knows that even though he could decline the older man with just a flick of his middle finger, Seunghyun is also his best friend of many years and destroying their relationship just like that is really not an option. Still, it’s becoming hard to breathe and Jiyong feels like he’s going to suffocate.
“Alright. Okay, I should go.” He does not want to see the crestfallen look on Seunghyun’s face so he averts his eyes, getting ready to dart out at any time. The sharp intake of air doesn’t go unnoticed by him but he tries to ignore it, ignore his own pain for causing what is probably ten times worse to his friend.
“I don’t expect you to feel the same, I never did…” His voice is broken and Jiyong is sensing an inevitable heart attack developing in his chest. “Just, this doesn’t change anything, our friendship will still be the same.” The plea is forever burned in his mind from this moment on.
“Don’t do this, please.” Jiyong whispers as well, his emotions getting in the way of his usual logical thinking.
“Ji-”
“No, stop. I’m going. I’ve had enough.”
With that, he brushes past Seunghyun a bit too roughly, puts on his shoes sloppily and walks out of the house with the knowledge that he probably just broke a heart. But why is his own heart hurting this much as well?
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After Jiyong leaves, Seunghyun remains frozen at the same spot as the scene keeps replaying in his head. Did he just confess to Jiyong? It wasn’t what he intended to do, he just panicked and ended up blurting out whatever he thought was right. Now he wants to cry, not only did he selfishly push his own feelings on Jiyong, he also might’ve ruined their friendship and now he can’t do anything but stand there and reflect upon his actions. The amount of self-loathing going on in his mind right now is immense and without realizing it he’s on the floor with his back against the wall, tears allowing themselves to fall freely. This was not the way he wanted it to end, he was supposed to help Jiyong get better and focus more on himself. Instead he’s created chaos.
“Fuck-” He sobs quietly and knocks his head back against the wall a few times before wallowing a bit more in his self-pity. What will he say to Jiyong tomorrow? He knows they have another recording scheduled in the evening and it’s going to be nothing less than awkward. Had he just carried a bit more restraint in him, he would’ve been able to stop himself. Then again, he was never known to be the one that could hold back everything. At least not with the object of his desire weak in his arms and so very close. Slowly he flexes his hands, trying to remember how it was to hold Jiyong in his embrace, how good he smelled and how perfect it was to him. He snorts pitifully, laughing bitterly at how creepy he’s acting. Jiyong will probably never look him in the eyes anymore, maybe just endure being around him for the sake of Bigbang.
Seunghyun tries to remember the words that he told the younger man, that their relationship wouldn’t change. That’s right, he’s going to act like everything is normal tomorrow. As if he never was rejected and he’s sure Jiyong will be puzzled by his acting but in the end he’s bound to follow his act, and everything might go back to somewhat normal. At least that’s what he’s hoping for. He doesn’t really see himself in a situation where he has the rights to demand anything actually, he can just wish Jiyong doesn’t hate his guts after what he did.
Thirty minutes pass and his ass feels numb, brain empty of curses and he finally finds the strength to pull himself up from the floor. The world is spinning and he doesn’t feel like doing anything but sleep and hopes that when he wakes up, the pain of being rejected will be gone. He leaves the lights on, the dishes untouched and lets his head hit the pillows with a grunt. After he closes his eyes he dreams about Jiyong not freaking out and that this night never happened at all.
Groaning, he wakes up way later than usual, still in his bathrobe and one slipper hanging off his left foot. It’s as if he is suffering a bad hangover because his head is pounding like crazy, numbing any other feeling in his body and he rolls lazily with another moan. The light is blinding his eyes and he scrambles to cover his face with a pillow. Slowly but surely memories from the other night seeps through his brain and he winces, feeling his heart weighing down on him again. Suddenly his body feels like deadweight and he spends a good amount of time collecting his mind. Fortunately he’s able to think much clearer this time and he decides that once he’s gotten all his shit together, he will go to work and act like nothing happened. He doesn’t know much it will hurt to see the younger man again but he’s got to try anyway, it’s not like these feelings will go away after one night. He’s been harboring them for too long, it’s just that it’s not a secret any longer. Somehow that scares him.
“Can you be ready in an hour?” His manager calls him a few hours later and Seunghyun masks his sadness perfectly. He tries to accept that the heartache will be staying with him for a while longer, but it was only a question of time before the accident would happen. While he’s in the car, listening to slow classic music on his iPhone while the dull sound of the car humming is in the background, he sinks back in the seat and hides behind his sunglasses. Stomach churning at what’s about to come, he barely answers the small talk his manager attempts to throw at him. A small corner of his mind feels sorry for him but the major part is occupied with thoughts of Jiyong.
Reluctantly he steps out of the car when they arrive at the office and sighs, adjusting his shirt and walking past screaming fans that has been waiting for a chance to spot him. He acknowledges them but pays them no mind as he steels himself while walking.
“Hyung!” The bright voice startled him out of his worries and he turned to grin at Daesung who rounded the corner and slapped him on the shoulder. “Seungri is recording with Jiyong-hyung now, wanna go eat something?” Seunghyun doesn’t want to avoid the inevitable but he doesn’t have it in him to refuse Daesung’s offer either so he tags along and forces some food down his throat in the cafeteria. Being there gives him a sense of calm and he temporarily forgets his worries as he chats with his younger band mate and other YG family members who appears out of nowhere and greets him. Not knowing how much time passes, he casually goes along with the flow and returns to his usual irresponsible self. He’s only painfully reminded of what he needs to do when Jiyong walks into the cafeteria with Seungri, arm playfully hanging over the younger man’s shoulder just to bother him.
Of course the smile on Jiyong’s face falters when he notices Seunghyun is in the room. Of course Seunghyun has to see it. He tries to calm his racing heart and ignore the tightening of his chest. He tries to act like he wasn’t just hit by a train and thinks that well, at least he’s lucky enough to not have to dread this moment the entire day. Seungri drags him along to sit at the same table as him and Daesung and both of them are able to put up a pretty convincing act of nonchalance. It’s not until their done eating that Seungri decides to ruin the moment, causing both of them to stiffen.
“Hyung, shouldn’t you go record with Jiyong-hyung already?”
“Ah, yeah…” He mutters and catches Jiyong’s glance. They stare for a few moments before Jiyong puts his chopsticks down and stands.
“You’re right, let’s go.” Their leader sounds a bit pissed and even though Seunghyun knows why, the others wear confused expressions, he just shrugs at them and follows. He knows he deserves this.
Inside the recording room Jiyong doesn’t talk to him unless it’s about the song or how his voice should sound. When Seunghyun sits down on the chair, he stands and starts pacing in the room while thinking and he’s starting to go crazy. However, he grits his teeth and endures anyway, predicting that there will be many days like this to come. At least he’s still speaking to him, meaning that Jiyong also wants to make it work somehow. All hope is not lost and he fears the swell of happiness that grows in his heart at the thought.
Seunghyun is right after all, days, weeks pass like this and somehow it works. He’s getting used to Jiyong disliking him and even though he wants to cry every night before he falls asleep it’s better than Jiyong running away and being out of reach. Another problem is that Jiyong is still dead tired and still in his slump, and Seunghyun is in no position to be helping him now. He can’t reach out this time, only watch as their leader wither and falls. It’s especially evident when they record together, the other members outside eating or something as they try to finish for the night. He doesn’t know if it’s consciously done or not but Jiyong lets his guard down around him and becomes impeccably more tired and stressed when they’re alone.
“How are you feeling now?” Two weeks after their incidents he dares to take a leap of faith and ask about something other than work, genuinely worried about Jiyong and hoping he would understand. He observes him - knowing that his actions spoke a thousand more words than his mouth did - and sees how he stops writing, bony hand freezing on the spot. Jiyong shoots him an unreadable glance before he looks back down at the paper and continues writing quietly. Seunghyun sighs inwardly and even though he knows he’s far from alright he has to accept the answer an maybe, just maybe try again another day.
It’s as if that tiny sentence evoked something in Jiyong because he’s starting to become even more distanced from him. A couple of days later and Seunghyun almost has no opportunities to see him at all, because he’s either too busy or his singing is “perfect” so there’s no need to record again. It angers him because he’s unable to keep watching Jiyong then, he can’t make sure he’s doing well even from afar and it occupies his mind at every waking hour. The younger man is probably on the verge of collapsing at any time now and very soon their promotions will start. He’s in no condition to start dancing or travelling around in his hollow shell of a body.
To hell with it, he decides. There are a few more days before they have to appear on Inkigayo and Jiyong is lounging in the recreation area alone when Seunghyun approaches him, determined to shake him out of his condition even though he might end up hating him forever. Because he’s unable to watch this any longer and Jiyong needs to get a grip and realize his situation.
“Jiyong, can we talk?” Jiyong tilts his head slowly, barely acknowledging his existence and probably hoping he would go away like he’d done for the past weeks. This time he doesn’t, he only steps closer and tries to ask again nicely. “Can we talk in private?”
“No.” Expecting the answer he grabs the thin wrist that hangs limply over the armrest and pulls him up to his feet despite his protests. Seunghyun did not come this far only to be rejected like this. Jiyong desperately tries to pull away but because he’s lost so much muscle and weight, he easily overpowers him and pulls him into the recording room. Jiyong clutches his wrist in pain at the bruise that’s going to form there as he locks the door and turns around to face his imminent doom.
“What the fuck do you want?” The younger man bites out and stands in the middle of the room, probably realizing that he isn’t going to be able to escape anytime soon. Jiyong’s pitiful expression calms the rage in Seunghyun and replaces it with a different, familiar feeling instead.
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” He’s done with being careful, Jiyong needs to hear the truth. The younger man crosses his arms and waits for him to continue, obviously not wanting to listen to him. “You’re not healthy.”
“I’m fucking fine, alright? Stop bothering me.” Jiyong lies through his teeth and Seunghyun sighs, taking one step closer for emphasis. As if the younger man is a wild animal he tries not to get too close, knowing how much he might’ve disturbed him before.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” He takes a deep breath and softens his gaze, seeing how Jiyong’s glare falters. “I should have said something else when you came to me that night. It’s just, I’m tired of seeing you like this.” He gestures at Jiyong’s body, waiting for a response. The younger man drops his gaze suddenly, although not his stubborn posture and Seunghyun sees light at the end of the tunnel.
“Are you done? I don’t know what to say to you, I’m working hard. That’s it. You know why,” Suddenly his voice sounds unwilling and sad and Seunghyun thinks he might be missing something. “But you didn’t say anything about it that night, so I figured I acted out of line. And then you confessed and everything became a mess. So I’ve been fucking angry instead.” The way Jiyong’s eyes shine with unshed tears gets to him, waking a storm of emotions inside of him that erupted from his speech. Seunghyun keeps quiet for a while, watching the younger man collect his thoughts and calm himself so his perfect façade won’t crumble.
“Will anything I say now help at all? Because god, Jiyong, I only want you to get better.” As if those words were the magic words, Jiyong slumps down on the nearest chair and shakily sighs. He takes one careful step towards him and crouches down, knowing that Jiyong’s resolve is crumbling. He knows the man pretty well after all these years, and he’s learned how to get to him if he really wants to. For a while he just listens to Jiyong’s steady exhale of breaths through his hands and the clock ticking in the background, hoping that giving him some time will help the situation.
“If you can apologize again…” With a small voice he says it, not looking up from his palms but Seunghyun catches the message and without thinking grabs his hands slowly and pulls him up to embrace him again. Sighing into his soft hair and secretly loving how perfectly they mold against each other he waits until Jiyong relaxes in his grip again before he speaks.
“I’m sorry,” he’s not sure where Jiyong is going with this but he’s damn sure he’s going to be forgiven and things are going much better than he initially expected. His heart is beating like crazy and he’s sure the other man can feel it since he’s holding him this tightly. Even if he did though, it seems like he doesn’t mind. Hands slide across his back to clutch the fabric of his shirt and Jiyong speaks again into his sweater.
“One more time,” he mutters softly and Seunghyun obeys. They play the little game for a few more minutes and when he’s apologized about fifteen times, Jiyong pulls away with a flushed face that almost begs for him to be ravished. Seunghyun searches the beautiful eyes and loses himself in them, feeling that non-existent self-control fading quickly since neither of them moves an inch.
As Seunghyun is no angel he brushes his thumb along Jiyong’s jaw and his hollow cheeks, feeling for the first time how skinny he’s actually become. But then the younger man leans into his hand and he feels his knees almost buckle at the sensation. He can’t stop himself from leaning in closer while looking into the younger man’s eyes, silently asking for permission. Jiyong meets his gaze and closes the distance between their lips himself, pressing them gently together. His lips are softer than he ever imagined and Seunghyun almost cries when he realizes this is actually happening. The first kiss they share is timid and careful but it leaves both of them equally messed up emotionally and flushed red. It doesn’t take long before Jiyong circles his arms around his neck and kisses him more fervently, desperately and Seunghyun responds in kind, letting his hands map the soft flesh that is Jiyong and gasps at every sensation. Both of their hearts are now fluttering, he feels it through his caresses and although unreal, he now knows Jiyong harbors some emotions for him as well. They fight for dominance but the older claims his victory easily as he surprises the younger by pushing him up against the wall, startling him and making easy access to his mouth.
When they run out of breath he rests his hands at Jiyong’s waist, fingers squeezing gently to get a firm grip on reality and the beauty that was before him. His leader, friend, now lover smirks at him. A smirk he hasn’t seen for quite some time and it’s driving him nuts. The overwhelming love he has for this man has finally gotten the best of him and now he’s going to be unable to see anything else but this awesome creature.
“Can you promise me that you’ll listen to my advice?” he speaks slowly, leaning in so that his lips are brushing the corner of Jiyong’s mouth. Like a demon, the younger man licks his lips and looks at him with half- lidded eyes.
“Only if you promise to love me enough so I can forget about everything else,” Seunghyun chuckles and rolls his eyes at the quote. Jiyong is truly breathtaking and he’s having tremendous problems realizing that all of this is currently his, and only his. No more having to watch Jiyong get together with other women or lonely nights, he thinks that maybe his failure that night was the best thing that could ever happen.
“I’ll take that as a yes. You have a lot of making up to do.” He leans in and ignores the muffled protest because shortly after it turns into moans and pleased sighs that he’s never going to be able to live without.
THE END.
Rating:
Summary: Seunghyun watches, reaches out for, cares for, loves his hardworking, seemingly careless Jiyong. Although maybe onesided, Seunghyun thinks it's the only thing he will ever be able to feel.
A/N: DONE. I struggled a bit but I hope you like it anyway!
Jiyong doesn’t know what is wrong with him. He really doesn’t see it. With the intention of spilling his guts out to the one person that might actually care about what he said, despite his demeanor that usually showed otherwise, he came to Seunghyun’s house. It wasn’t supposed to be difficult but as soon as he sat down facing the older man, his resolve crumbled to pieces. He wants to sink into the ground and hide forever, embarrassment and shame clouding his mind. It’s like his only anchor - the one thing keeping him steady and grounded - is the strong arms circling his body. It would be a lie to avoid thinking that he might be content with staying in the safe embrace forever. Tears are for onc not scaping his tired eyes, he’s had enough of them. They’re not needed anymore.
A small sigh comes from his older friend and the warm breath hits his neck, causing him to shiver involuntarily. There’s a turmoil of feelings going through his brain at this time, now it feels like his emotions has returned and the continual drive &ndash need ndash; of having to work constantly to prove himself is gradually fading away. Only gradually though but even so he welcomes it.
“No one will love me if I stop…” He whispers into the fabric of Seunghyun’s bathrobe. The words spilling from his mouth are relentless in their hold of his mindset and Jiyong keeps convincing himself that it’s true despite the warm arms that are currently telling how much he actually is loved. Seunghyun remains quiet, Jiyong feels his grip tighten and it’s as if something is left unsaid but he has the feeling that the older man refuses to say it even if he asks.
The words were a confession, he had to admit, and it does not feel good to have said it. Now another person knows about his weakness and although he trusts Seunghyun and every Bigbang member with his life he’s always been too easily giving his heart away. Then, as if the moment ended, Seunghyun pulls away slowly and looks him in the eyes with those deep eyes.
“You know that’s not true.” Jiyong stares at him defiantly, not accepting that response.
“How do you know? If you were in my place, it woul-”
“Do you really need that many people to love you though?” Seunghyun rudely interrupts him and Jiyong glares slightly, feeling a bit annoyed about the loss of the arms and the fact that the other man is dismissing his words. “I mean, I’m not good with words but… You know there are a lot of people here that would stand by your side no matter what, right?”
Jiyong bites his lower lip while waiting for him to speak further. If he doesn’t then tears might start running down his cheeks so he remains quiet and listens to that comforting, deep voice.
“And if not, then, what if, just what if one person loved you enough to keep you from thinking those ugly thoughts?” The words aren’t quite sinking in yet so Jiyong’s brows furrow while he’s trying to understand what Seunghyun is stuttering and mumbling about. Seunghyun’s cheeks turn red as he falters and Jiyong is fascinated by it.
“What?” It’s all he manages to blurt out. He kind of wants to laugh but it’s not funny and clearly he’s dead serious so he waits again for a more coherent sentence that could make sense to his brain.
“I’m saying tha fuck, I might… want to be that person.” Something clicks in his brain then, and it firmly shuts down because what Seunghyun just said wasn’t possible. He can’t stop his eyes from widening and he grips the calloused hand that is covering the olders embarrassed face and pulls hard, uncovering it swiftly.
“You’re saying you’re i love it me? In a non-brotherly way?” Jiyong doesn’t want to believe this and anger is slowly building inside him. Of all the times, this is what he says?
“Jiyon-”
“No, answer me! Yes or no?” Refusing anything other than a simple answer to this question seems logical in his confused mind. A part of him wants him to say no, another doesn’t know what it wants. He watches the taller man struggle with his answer, his face making various expressions before accepting defeat and finally speaking.
“Yes.” The word is spoken so quietly that Jiyong almost didn’t hear it, he only reads it on his lips and it’s enough. Jiyong resists the urge to punch him in the face for god knows what reason and senses that it’s time he retreated. He’s never been gay, he never though Seunghyun was either and frankly he’s got enough of his own problems to deal with. Because he knows that even though he could decline the older man with just a flick of his middle finger, Seunghyun is also his best friend of many years and destroying their relationship just like that is really not an option. Still, it’s becoming hard to breathe and Jiyong feels like he’s going to suffocate.
“Alright. Okay, I should go.” He does not want to see the crestfallen look on Seunghyun’s face so he averts his eyes, getting ready to dart out at any time. The sharp intake of air doesn’t go unnoticed by him but he tries to ignore it, ignore his own pain for causing what is probably ten times worse to his friend.
“I don’t expect you to feel the same, I never did…” His voice is broken and Jiyong is sensing an inevitable heart attack developing in his chest. “Just, this doesn’t change anything, our friendship will still be the same.” The plea is forever burned in his mind from this moment on.
“Don’t do this, please.” Jiyong whispers as well, his emotions getting in the way of his usual logical thinking.
“Ji-”
“No, stop. I’m going. I’ve had enough.”
With that, he brushes past Seunghyun a bit too roughly, puts on his shoes sloppily and walks out of the house with the knowledge that he probably just broke a heart. But why is his own heart hurting this much as well?
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After Jiyong leaves, Seunghyun remains frozen at the same spot as the scene keeps replaying in his head. Did he just confess to Jiyong? It wasn’t what he intended to do, he just panicked and ended up blurting out whatever he thought was right. Now he wants to cry, not only did he selfishly push his own feelings on Jiyong, he also might’ve ruined their friendship and now he can’t do anything but stand there and reflect upon his actions. The amount of self-loathing going on in his mind right now is immense and without realizing it he’s on the floor with his back against the wall, tears allowing themselves to fall freely. This was not the way he wanted it to end, he was supposed to help Jiyong get better and focus more on himself. Instead he’s created chaos.
“Fuck-” He sobs quietly and knocks his head back against the wall a few times before wallowing a bit more in his self-pity. What will he say to Jiyong tomorrow? He knows they have another recording scheduled in the evening and it’s going to be nothing less than awkward. Had he just carried a bit more restraint in him, he would’ve been able to stop himself. Then again, he was never known to be the one that could hold back everything. At least not with the object of his desire weak in his arms and so very close. Slowly he flexes his hands, trying to remember how it was to hold Jiyong in his embrace, how good he smelled and how perfect it was to him. He snorts pitifully, laughing bitterly at how creepy he’s acting. Jiyong will probably never look him in the eyes anymore, maybe just endure being around him for the sake of Bigbang.
Seunghyun tries to remember the words that he told the younger man, that their relationship wouldn’t change. That’s right, he’s going to act like everything is normal tomorrow. As if he never was rejected and he’s sure Jiyong will be puzzled by his acting but in the end he’s bound to follow his act, and everything might go back to somewhat normal. At least that’s what he’s hoping for. He doesn’t really see himself in a situation where he has the rights to demand anything actually, he can just wish Jiyong doesn’t hate his guts after what he did.
Thirty minutes pass and his ass feels numb, brain empty of curses and he finally finds the strength to pull himself up from the floor. The world is spinning and he doesn’t feel like doing anything but sleep and hopes that when he wakes up, the pain of being rejected will be gone. He leaves the lights on, the dishes untouched and lets his head hit the pillows with a grunt. After he closes his eyes he dreams about Jiyong not freaking out and that this night never happened at all.
Groaning, he wakes up way later than usual, still in his bathrobe and one slipper hanging off his left foot. It’s as if he is suffering a bad hangover because his head is pounding like crazy, numbing any other feeling in his body and he rolls lazily with another moan. The light is blinding his eyes and he scrambles to cover his face with a pillow. Slowly but surely memories from the other night seeps through his brain and he winces, feeling his heart weighing down on him again. Suddenly his body feels like deadweight and he spends a good amount of time collecting his mind. Fortunately he’s able to think much clearer this time and he decides that once he’s gotten all his shit together, he will go to work and act like nothing happened. He doesn’t know much it will hurt to see the younger man again but he’s got to try anyway, it’s not like these feelings will go away after one night. He’s been harboring them for too long, it’s just that it’s not a secret any longer. Somehow that scares him.
“Can you be ready in an hour?” His manager calls him a few hours later and Seunghyun masks his sadness perfectly. He tries to accept that the heartache will be staying with him for a while longer, but it was only a question of time before the accident would happen. While he’s in the car, listening to slow classic music on his iPhone while the dull sound of the car humming is in the background, he sinks back in the seat and hides behind his sunglasses. Stomach churning at what’s about to come, he barely answers the small talk his manager attempts to throw at him. A small corner of his mind feels sorry for him but the major part is occupied with thoughts of Jiyong.
Reluctantly he steps out of the car when they arrive at the office and sighs, adjusting his shirt and walking past screaming fans that has been waiting for a chance to spot him. He acknowledges them but pays them no mind as he steels himself while walking.
“Hyung!” The bright voice startled him out of his worries and he turned to grin at Daesung who rounded the corner and slapped him on the shoulder. “Seungri is recording with Jiyong-hyung now, wanna go eat something?” Seunghyun doesn’t want to avoid the inevitable but he doesn’t have it in him to refuse Daesung’s offer either so he tags along and forces some food down his throat in the cafeteria. Being there gives him a sense of calm and he temporarily forgets his worries as he chats with his younger band mate and other YG family members who appears out of nowhere and greets him. Not knowing how much time passes, he casually goes along with the flow and returns to his usual irresponsible self. He’s only painfully reminded of what he needs to do when Jiyong walks into the cafeteria with Seungri, arm playfully hanging over the younger man’s shoulder just to bother him.
Of course the smile on Jiyong’s face falters when he notices Seunghyun is in the room. Of course Seunghyun has to see it. He tries to calm his racing heart and ignore the tightening of his chest. He tries to act like he wasn’t just hit by a train and thinks that well, at least he’s lucky enough to not have to dread this moment the entire day. Seungri drags him along to sit at the same table as him and Daesung and both of them are able to put up a pretty convincing act of nonchalance. It’s not until their done eating that Seungri decides to ruin the moment, causing both of them to stiffen.
“Hyung, shouldn’t you go record with Jiyong-hyung already?”
“Ah, yeah…” He mutters and catches Jiyong’s glance. They stare for a few moments before Jiyong puts his chopsticks down and stands.
“You’re right, let’s go.” Their leader sounds a bit pissed and even though Seunghyun knows why, the others wear confused expressions, he just shrugs at them and follows. He knows he deserves this.
Inside the recording room Jiyong doesn’t talk to him unless it’s about the song or how his voice should sound. When Seunghyun sits down on the chair, he stands and starts pacing in the room while thinking and he’s starting to go crazy. However, he grits his teeth and endures anyway, predicting that there will be many days like this to come. At least he’s still speaking to him, meaning that Jiyong also wants to make it work somehow. All hope is not lost and he fears the swell of happiness that grows in his heart at the thought.
Seunghyun is right after all, days, weeks pass like this and somehow it works. He’s getting used to Jiyong disliking him and even though he wants to cry every night before he falls asleep it’s better than Jiyong running away and being out of reach. Another problem is that Jiyong is still dead tired and still in his slump, and Seunghyun is in no position to be helping him now. He can’t reach out this time, only watch as their leader wither and falls. It’s especially evident when they record together, the other members outside eating or something as they try to finish for the night. He doesn’t know if it’s consciously done or not but Jiyong lets his guard down around him and becomes impeccably more tired and stressed when they’re alone.
“How are you feeling now?” Two weeks after their incidents he dares to take a leap of faith and ask about something other than work, genuinely worried about Jiyong and hoping he would understand. He observes him - knowing that his actions spoke a thousand more words than his mouth did - and sees how he stops writing, bony hand freezing on the spot. Jiyong shoots him an unreadable glance before he looks back down at the paper and continues writing quietly. Seunghyun sighs inwardly and even though he knows he’s far from alright he has to accept the answer an maybe, just maybe try again another day.
It’s as if that tiny sentence evoked something in Jiyong because he’s starting to become even more distanced from him. A couple of days later and Seunghyun almost has no opportunities to see him at all, because he’s either too busy or his singing is “perfect” so there’s no need to record again. It angers him because he’s unable to keep watching Jiyong then, he can’t make sure he’s doing well even from afar and it occupies his mind at every waking hour. The younger man is probably on the verge of collapsing at any time now and very soon their promotions will start. He’s in no condition to start dancing or travelling around in his hollow shell of a body.
To hell with it, he decides. There are a few more days before they have to appear on Inkigayo and Jiyong is lounging in the recreation area alone when Seunghyun approaches him, determined to shake him out of his condition even though he might end up hating him forever. Because he’s unable to watch this any longer and Jiyong needs to get a grip and realize his situation.
“Jiyong, can we talk?” Jiyong tilts his head slowly, barely acknowledging his existence and probably hoping he would go away like he’d done for the past weeks. This time he doesn’t, he only steps closer and tries to ask again nicely. “Can we talk in private?”
“No.” Expecting the answer he grabs the thin wrist that hangs limply over the armrest and pulls him up to his feet despite his protests. Seunghyun did not come this far only to be rejected like this. Jiyong desperately tries to pull away but because he’s lost so much muscle and weight, he easily overpowers him and pulls him into the recording room. Jiyong clutches his wrist in pain at the bruise that’s going to form there as he locks the door and turns around to face his imminent doom.
“What the fuck do you want?” The younger man bites out and stands in the middle of the room, probably realizing that he isn’t going to be able to escape anytime soon. Jiyong’s pitiful expression calms the rage in Seunghyun and replaces it with a different, familiar feeling instead.
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” He’s done with being careful, Jiyong needs to hear the truth. The younger man crosses his arms and waits for him to continue, obviously not wanting to listen to him. “You’re not healthy.”
“I’m fucking fine, alright? Stop bothering me.” Jiyong lies through his teeth and Seunghyun sighs, taking one step closer for emphasis. As if the younger man is a wild animal he tries not to get too close, knowing how much he might’ve disturbed him before.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” He takes a deep breath and softens his gaze, seeing how Jiyong’s glare falters. “I should have said something else when you came to me that night. It’s just, I’m tired of seeing you like this.” He gestures at Jiyong’s body, waiting for a response. The younger man drops his gaze suddenly, although not his stubborn posture and Seunghyun sees light at the end of the tunnel.
“Are you done? I don’t know what to say to you, I’m working hard. That’s it. You know why,” Suddenly his voice sounds unwilling and sad and Seunghyun thinks he might be missing something. “But you didn’t say anything about it that night, so I figured I acted out of line. And then you confessed and everything became a mess. So I’ve been fucking angry instead.” The way Jiyong’s eyes shine with unshed tears gets to him, waking a storm of emotions inside of him that erupted from his speech. Seunghyun keeps quiet for a while, watching the younger man collect his thoughts and calm himself so his perfect façade won’t crumble.
“Will anything I say now help at all? Because god, Jiyong, I only want you to get better.” As if those words were the magic words, Jiyong slumps down on the nearest chair and shakily sighs. He takes one careful step towards him and crouches down, knowing that Jiyong’s resolve is crumbling. He knows the man pretty well after all these years, and he’s learned how to get to him if he really wants to. For a while he just listens to Jiyong’s steady exhale of breaths through his hands and the clock ticking in the background, hoping that giving him some time will help the situation.
“If you can apologize again…” With a small voice he says it, not looking up from his palms but Seunghyun catches the message and without thinking grabs his hands slowly and pulls him up to embrace him again. Sighing into his soft hair and secretly loving how perfectly they mold against each other he waits until Jiyong relaxes in his grip again before he speaks.
“I’m sorry,” he’s not sure where Jiyong is going with this but he’s damn sure he’s going to be forgiven and things are going much better than he initially expected. His heart is beating like crazy and he’s sure the other man can feel it since he’s holding him this tightly. Even if he did though, it seems like he doesn’t mind. Hands slide across his back to clutch the fabric of his shirt and Jiyong speaks again into his sweater.
“One more time,” he mutters softly and Seunghyun obeys. They play the little game for a few more minutes and when he’s apologized about fifteen times, Jiyong pulls away with a flushed face that almost begs for him to be ravished. Seunghyun searches the beautiful eyes and loses himself in them, feeling that non-existent self-control fading quickly since neither of them moves an inch.
As Seunghyun is no angel he brushes his thumb along Jiyong’s jaw and his hollow cheeks, feeling for the first time how skinny he’s actually become. But then the younger man leans into his hand and he feels his knees almost buckle at the sensation. He can’t stop himself from leaning in closer while looking into the younger man’s eyes, silently asking for permission. Jiyong meets his gaze and closes the distance between their lips himself, pressing them gently together. His lips are softer than he ever imagined and Seunghyun almost cries when he realizes this is actually happening. The first kiss they share is timid and careful but it leaves both of them equally messed up emotionally and flushed red. It doesn’t take long before Jiyong circles his arms around his neck and kisses him more fervently, desperately and Seunghyun responds in kind, letting his hands map the soft flesh that is Jiyong and gasps at every sensation. Both of their hearts are now fluttering, he feels it through his caresses and although unreal, he now knows Jiyong harbors some emotions for him as well. They fight for dominance but the older claims his victory easily as he surprises the younger by pushing him up against the wall, startling him and making easy access to his mouth.
When they run out of breath he rests his hands at Jiyong’s waist, fingers squeezing gently to get a firm grip on reality and the beauty that was before him. His leader, friend, now lover smirks at him. A smirk he hasn’t seen for quite some time and it’s driving him nuts. The overwhelming love he has for this man has finally gotten the best of him and now he’s going to be unable to see anything else but this awesome creature.
“Can you promise me that you’ll listen to my advice?” he speaks slowly, leaning in so that his lips are brushing the corner of Jiyong’s mouth. Like a demon, the younger man licks his lips and looks at him with half- lidded eyes.
“Only if you promise to love me enough so I can forget about everything else,” Seunghyun chuckles and rolls his eyes at the quote. Jiyong is truly breathtaking and he’s having tremendous problems realizing that all of this is currently his, and only his. No more having to watch Jiyong get together with other women or lonely nights, he thinks that maybe his failure that night was the best thing that could ever happen.
“I’ll take that as a yes. You have a lot of making up to do.” He leans in and ignores the muffled protest because shortly after it turns into moans and pleased sighs that he’s never going to be able to live without.
THE END.