Your disposable apology
On my way to work I got a call from Nick. I listened to the message purely out of curiosity. I haven't heard from him in a week, so it was odd to have a call from him.
He was upset about what I said. At first I felt nothing, I kinda laughed and deleted the message. Then it sank in and I started to think... was I wrong to feel that way? Maybe I shouldn't have said something in a public setting, but I really didn't think it would get back to him. He has said so many horrible things about me, why can't I say something as honest as that? I never said he physically hurt me, and after talking to Kristine (who was in a physically abusive relationship and spent time in a domestic abuse center) I realized that when you hear abuse you automatically think punching, beating, and physical harm. Nick never hit me. If it had been that obvious I would have walked away in a heartbeat. I've told men that if you touch me I will kill you. Harsh, but that is how I feel about it. I'm little, and I'm protective of my little body, one punch or smack could do serious harm to me and I have done a lot to prevent that from happening.
Kristine said that the mere fact that my reaction wasn't automatically "shut up" *click* no thank you, leave me alone... well that means I still allow him to "abuse" me.
She supported me in my realization and that is enough for me. She knows that I am right, and I'm sure Brian knows that I am right, and possibly the people who love me in my life know that I am right... so that's enough... right?
He is in control of the inner workings of my mind. Just when I thought I was taking a huge step away from him, he pulls me back in by the chain he has around my ankle. I feel dragged back down into his pit of negativity, his black hole of unhappiness. No thank you.
I am wrong, I am a bitch. I hurt his feelings and his reputation. I am making it up, I am exaggerating the truth. I am just as abusive as him. I need to take it back. I need to make an apology to everyone and to him. I change my mind. I was wrong. He is right. HE is always right.
I am a bitch.
I am a horrible person.
I am controlling
I am rude.
I say things only to hurt or humiliate you.
I am the center of attention, and you are nothing.
I am superior
I matter more than you
I am a witch.
I am deceitful.
I lure you in with a false representation of myself. I use a facade of grandure and grace. Once I have you within reach I grab hold of you with my long, slender, bony fingers, gripping tightly of your flesh, sucking you in and taring at you with my jagged claws. I grasp you with my talons and lean my head back, unhinging my jaw, showing no mercy as my mouth foams with green sludge and I devour your entire being in one gruesome bite.
I am a sick, empty siren.
I am serenity
I am saintly
I am perfect
You've placed me on a pedestal that I can truly never reach.
You've built me up so high that I can't even see who I really am, I can only see who you want me to be.
I am the mother you never had
I am the sister you always wanted
I am your shoulder to cry on
I am the ear that will always listen to you
I am the perfect woman