One cup of coffee in...
I think I may be depressed. I don't really know what that's supposed to feel like, but I think it may be happening inside my head. If not, then these mood swings are getting to me.
I'm quite ready to be done with my qual, thank you very much. This day started out badly (fight with Scott) and has steadily (bounced a check, left my backpack somewhere and had to go across campus to get it, can't get reimbursed for about $58-worth of dorm stuff until Wednesday, forgot the IMC closes at 5 on Fridays, can't read a file properly on my computer, discovered that I may have been approaching my entire lit review/qual incorrectly for the last couple of days...). I expected the cup of coffee I just finished to make me feel a little better -- less foggy, anyway -- and it cleared my head a bit, but not nearly enough to make me eager to work some more. If Darius gets back to me with something helpful (especially something that doesn't make me feel like an idiot), that will brighten my mood considerably: it's not like I'm not enjoying my qual work, it's just that there's so MUCH of it and if I don't know how to approach it I am totally screwed this weekend.
Amanda called me a couple of days ago to invite me to drive with Matt to see her in Walla Walla sometime this semester. It didn't help that this message came sandwiched between one from my mom (immigration shit and financial aid shit) and one from my dad (bounced check shit), but it almost made me cry. I've been worried about Austin lately because Aaron's been worried, and it's been making me think more about all my friends in general. When I get to this point in my stress curve, I can feel myself emptying my pockets of all the "superfluous" things I normally carry around with me -- movies, books, knitting, family, friends, homework, nutrition, exercise, sleep... -- in order to focus on the task at hand (usually research). Pretty soon I'm feeling lighter, but completely detached from the ground on which I'm used to walking.
The point of all this is that, when I listened to Amanda's message, I just wanted to giggle and say, "I'm sorry, you must be kidding" because it's hard enough for me to keep enough close friendships intact during this period, let alone my "friendship" with Matt (I may have seen him last summer...yes, probably...). It makes me very sad (feeding my depression, I suppose), because Matt used to be one of my favorite people. I really loved spending time with him, because unlike my other guy friends (Daniel excepted, bien sur), I didn't have to interact with him on HIS terms. I miss Matt, because he's different from a lot of my friends from high school. But I'm not sure I'll be able to find the time to rekindle a friendship with him, especially because I can foresee it taking a great deal of time and energy.
To those reading this, I apologize for its rambling character. As you know, I only post about once a month, so they tend to be longer updates on my life in progress, but this one is considerably more emotional than usual. : I'm not saying no. But I'm not saying yes. Also, you've been nothing but understanding, and I'm not saying you're insensitive -- I hope you don't feel guilty reading the above, because that is certainly not my intention.
I may post again later this weekend. The timeline of my qual is this:
_Outlines due Monday, March 28, 2005
_Draft of the Research Designs due Monday, April 11, 2005
_Mini oral presentations on Wednesday, April 13, 2005
_Final papers due no later than Tuesday, May 10, 2005
For future reference and all that.
I'm quite ready to be done with my qual, thank you very much. This day started out badly (fight with Scott) and has steadily (bounced a check, left my backpack somewhere and had to go across campus to get it, can't get reimbursed for about $58-worth of dorm stuff until Wednesday, forgot the IMC closes at 5 on Fridays, can't read a file properly on my computer, discovered that I may have been approaching my entire lit review/qual incorrectly for the last couple of days...). I expected the cup of coffee I just finished to make me feel a little better -- less foggy, anyway -- and it cleared my head a bit, but not nearly enough to make me eager to work some more. If Darius gets back to me with something helpful (especially something that doesn't make me feel like an idiot), that will brighten my mood considerably: it's not like I'm not enjoying my qual work, it's just that there's so MUCH of it and if I don't know how to approach it I am totally screwed this weekend.
Amanda called me a couple of days ago to invite me to drive with Matt to see her in Walla Walla sometime this semester. It didn't help that this message came sandwiched between one from my mom (immigration shit and financial aid shit) and one from my dad (bounced check shit), but it almost made me cry. I've been worried about Austin lately because Aaron's been worried, and it's been making me think more about all my friends in general. When I get to this point in my stress curve, I can feel myself emptying my pockets of all the "superfluous" things I normally carry around with me -- movies, books, knitting, family, friends, homework, nutrition, exercise, sleep... -- in order to focus on the task at hand (usually research). Pretty soon I'm feeling lighter, but completely detached from the ground on which I'm used to walking.
The point of all this is that, when I listened to Amanda's message, I just wanted to giggle and say, "I'm sorry, you must be kidding" because it's hard enough for me to keep enough close friendships intact during this period, let alone my "friendship" with Matt (I may have seen him last summer...yes, probably...). It makes me very sad (feeding my depression, I suppose), because Matt used to be one of my favorite people. I really loved spending time with him, because unlike my other guy friends (Daniel excepted, bien sur), I didn't have to interact with him on HIS terms. I miss Matt, because he's different from a lot of my friends from high school. But I'm not sure I'll be able to find the time to rekindle a friendship with him, especially because I can foresee it taking a great deal of time and energy.
To those reading this, I apologize for its rambling character. As you know, I only post about once a month, so they tend to be longer updates on my life in progress, but this one is considerably more emotional than usual. : I'm not saying no. But I'm not saying yes. Also, you've been nothing but understanding, and I'm not saying you're insensitive -- I hope you don't feel guilty reading the above, because that is certainly not my intention.
I may post again later this weekend. The timeline of my qual is this:
_Outlines due Monday, March 28, 2005
_Draft of the Research Designs due Monday, April 11, 2005
_Mini oral presentations on Wednesday, April 13, 2005
_Final papers due no later than Tuesday, May 10, 2005
For future reference and all that.