(no subject)
something is fucked up with my medicine.
i don't know what it is.
but i can't stop crying.
i feel like the lady in about a boy.
i couldn't go out to my grandparents house.
i just can't bring myself to go.
i want to lay in bed all day long and mope.
what the fuck is going on?
this started the night before last.
how could i have gotten so depressed in two days?
it has to be something with my medicine.
i'm cutting down on neurontin so it's probably because of that.
i don't know though.
i really don't want to feel like this on fucking christmas.
my family just doesn't understand.
i know it's christmas and they want to have a pleasant time.
and i know i'm a huge burden to this family.
but what they don't understand is that it's not at all under my control.
do they think i choose to spend my life like this?
to constantly miss out on opportunities that i could benefit from.
no.
i don't think so.
they don't understand that this hurts me too.
more than anyone could ever know.
and sometimes they look at me like they wish i would just disappear.
and it hurts so bad.
it really does.
and i wish i could do something to make it all better.
but it's out of my hands.
i know i'm just a pain in the ass.
but every time my family looks at me like that,
my heart breaks a little bit more.
pretty soon it's just going to get to be too much.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
no one can get it through their head that it's not my fucking fault.