The N00b
When the n00b was born we decided to breastfeed her, because it is both healthy and cheap. Then because we hadn't ever given her any formula milk we were invited to take part in the EAT study, a government-funded experiment into food allergies. We figured that since the ethics checked out, and since the study encouraged breastfeeding and didn't involve anything more dangerous than eating some ordinary food and taking a skin-prick test and some blood samples, we'd sign the little one up. Sure, the n00b doesn't much like the blood samples, but by the time she's old enough to object that we experimented on her For Science she won't remember any of the specifics.
At 3 months old, we took her down to London (all expenses paid) for her first check-up, where they assigned us to the control group. All the children on the control group had to do was breastfeed exclusively for the first six months, as per government guidelines. All the parents in the control group had to do was obtain some dust samples from the house, some stool samples from the baby (Postmistress: "What is the value of this parcel?" Me: "Umm, it's some baby poo...")and keep a food diary for five days. Simple!
In fact if we'd have been in the experimental group the only additional thing we'd have needed to do was give the baby some small portions of certain foods from 3 months onwards, and she'd have been allergy tested for all of them before we started, to make sure it was safe to do so. Anyway, yesterday was the n00bs 1 year appointment in which she had to give some more blood, get weighed and measured and have a skin-prick test for some common allergens.
The good news is that thanks to Tink, Sox, Ginge, Shelley, Jemima, Eddie and Monty, N00b is not at all allergic to animals. Or dust, or pollen, which I put down to my excellent healthy housekeeping style of letting everyone get well-accustomed to dust.
Unfortunately for her but fortunately For Science, the n00b scored some really high sensitivity to every single food except fish and sesame. This was obviously news to us, who'd happily been letting her wolf down pancakes, milkshakes, korma and sandwiches with wild abandon, and no sign of any intolerance to eggs, milk, nuts or wheat. This makes her very interesting, and requires further experimentation. It is not usual to test positive for a sensitivity to foods and then happily eat them all with no ill-effect. A group of doctors and dietitians coaxed the n00b into eating a giant bowl of yogurt and then took careful note of exactly what happened, which was basically nothing excepting a much fatter and happier baby.
So we have to go back to London in a couple of weeks time (in the rush hour unfortunately) and let some doctors and dietitians feed the n00b some wheat and eggs in the same rigorous experimental conditions. In fact for eggs it will be a double-blind test to make sure we aren't influencing the n00b's behaviour with our unconscious bias against egg-custard. Which will be fun. The funnest part for me will be making sure the n00b is good and hungry for all this experimental eating by refusing to feed her during the three and a half hour rush-hour train and underground journey between our house and St Thomas's hospital. Oh, but the business commuters will just love us. Here's hoping our reservation is not for the quiet carriage!