Dark secrets of motherhood:
There are things that nobody tells you about being a parent. Which is odd, because we're in an information age where detailed descriptions of absolutely everything are available in a couple of clicks. And being a parent is not a rare and special choice. Children are everywhere and have been for hundreds of thousands of years, so you'd think word would have gotten around by now. But no.
Only this weekend my husband got an angry message from one of his online gaming team-mates, a proud new father. "Why didn't you tell me babies can shart on the adult level?" He cried. "I would never have left the nappy off for a minute if I'd have known!"
Naturally we laughed at his misfortune, because what fool doesn't know that nappies exist for a good reason? Though it's a complete myth that what happens in Huggies stays in Huggies, and we should at least have passed that little gem along. When we were new parents we knew that there was no nappy that is 100% effective, but the brief demonstration at the hospital could have mentioned the scale of the problem. We were taught to wipe from front to back, but never advised how best to move onto the shoulderblades and the hairline, which with hindsight would have been helpful.
As would a quick lesson on how you change a baby one-handed on a public table with a broken lap-belt. It has to be one-handed these days, because (for some reason nobody ever mentioned this) when babies reach a certain age and level of movement, their own poo becomes irresistable to them, and one hand has to be perpetually engaged in preventing the horrible creatures from paddling in it, smearing it on their faces and of course, eating it all over again.
And the crying. Everyone knows that a baby crying is an awful thing, because the cries are pitched at just the right tone and volume to be horrifyingly annoying to every human ever. Everyone knows this because you can't reach adulthood in this country without sharing a restaurant or a bus or a train or a supermarket with a tiny person screaming their tiny head off.
So it was really surprising to learn as a new parent that the godawful noise has very little to do with the real problem of a crying baby. When it's someone else's kid sure, the noise is the worst of it. When it's your own kid, the noise is nothing compared to the subtext:
"YOU AWFUL MONSTER!" My daughter's screams imply, "HOW CAN YOU FAIL SO TERRIBLY AT EVERYTHING?! I HAVE ONLY BASIC NEEDS! ARE YOU TOO INCOMPETENT TO MASTER EVEN THOSE?!"
The noise is bad don't get me wrong, but compared to the constant emotional blackmail spooned into the front of your brain by your own sudden parental insecurity, the noise is a cakewalk. Except at 4am, when it will make you want to throw them out of the window.
The biggest thing I didn't get told was that mothers are on the receiving end of a big heaping ton of misogyny whatever we do, which is some information I could have used in advance. I don't know what it is like for fathers, but for mums it can get a bit depressing. Luckily for me I am physically imposing (by feminine standards) and have cultivated a death stare that implies actual death is not far behind it. This means that uniquely among my mothering peers I've not yet been told to my face that I'm doing it wrong by a random stranger. I have however read enough newspapers and online articles to realise that whatever the hell you are doing as a mother, it is definitely wrong.
If you're staying at home to care for the baby you're a lazy scrounger who is raising a spoiled entitled child. If you go back to work you're selfish, heartless and raising a neglected distant child. God help you if you can't breastfeed, 'cause then you're an inhuman monster who is depriving your baby. God help you if you want to breastfeed, because then you're a shameless exhibitionist hussy who shouldn't leave your house. Even if you can find a way to breastfeed without shocking the prudes, you still risk breastfeeding past the completely arbitrary point that you 'should' have stopped... At which point you're an inhuman monster who is warping your toddler's tiny mind.
In my family the biggest criticism I get is that I wean the baby on whatever we happen to be eating. Apparently you shouldn't give a toddler Indian, Mexican or Carribbean food. Everyone knows that there are no healthy toddlers in India, Mexico and the Carribbean after all, and my theory that if she didn't like it she wouldn't swallow it is apparently beside the point. This part of the family have the firm belief that children shouldn't eat foreign food, and you have to stretch pretty hard not to see the racism at the bottom of that idea.
I really try very hard not to take sides in the mummy wars. As someone who lets my kid eat yesterday's dumpling off the floor (only yesterday's, more than a day old is unhygenic) I don't really feel qualified to pass judgement on other people's parenting styles. As far as I'm concerned, if you're happy and the kid is happy, all is well.
This is not a common or popular opinion however. Much of the world has decided to adhere to the ridiculous double-standard that claims women are 'just naturally better' at nurturing children, but individual women cannot possibly be trusted to make the best decisions for their child.
And it's a total culture shock to discover that however erudite or well-educated you might have been before you reproduced, 'mothers' are not allowed to know best. Perhaps there should be a warning sign on the wall in the pre-natal clinic 'Be prepared to be wrong for the next 25 years'. Or y'know, we could stop perpetuating the myth that there is one magical solution to parenting that works for every family on the planet. Rant ends.