The man in the mirror
It's been a while since I posted anything, but I really haven't felt like updating or sharing. This topic has been on my mind a lot recently, though, so I guess it deserves a post. This is a long post about gender identity and what it means to be "male," so I'll put most of it under a cut.
I recently read Matt Kailey's book, Just Add Hormones and I enjoyed it for the most part. My experience is different than the author's, but there were some key points that stood out to me.
Kailey writes: "Many trans men go overboard at first, being more macho than bio-men. This has a lot to do with insecurity and finding a place that's comfortable. Some transmen stay on that far male end, but most gravitate back toward center, where male and female characteristics can inhabit one body."
Maybe I'm just insecure and maybe I will be stuck on that male end, but I really don't feel comfortable thinking of myself as a blend of male and female, as a true transsexual for the rest of my life. I really want to be completely male, but Kailey is comfortable with the label "transman" and with having a "transsexual" body, a body that will never really be like a bio-male's body, in Kailey's opinion. The thoughts of just being comfortable with being "trans" or "ftm" forever made me a little depressed. Maybe I want too much or maybe my expectations are too high, but ideally I would just like to be one of the guys. Kailey also believes that transsexual people could the ones to bring down the strict gender barriers between male and female. Maybe so. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to be able to create your own male identity, or your view of what a "man" should be. But for now, that hasn't happened. I don't necessarily think that the male identity/model we have now is negative. Even now there are different ways to be a man or to be seen as a man.
I feel male on the inside and I'm working on making the outside match. I like to use a male label and pronouns, but using an FTM, trans, transgendered, or transsexual label doesn't bother me right now, either. But I think that's because I'm in transition. When I'm more complete, I will most likely want to drop all trans or FTM labels and just be male. I won't feel like I'm stuck in between genders or that I'm a new gender altogether. My future plans revolve around me simply being male, the husband, and the father. Not the transsexual. That doesn't mean that I'm not supportive of others who choose and keep those labels. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be a sexist, homophobic bastard. It's just about how I feel on the inside and what makes me comfortable. It's not for me to say which label someone else should use or how they should live their life simply because I use a different label or choose to live my life differently. How any other transgendered or transsexual person chooses to identify and live their life does NOT affect mine. I see many people get all bent out of shape because one trans person does or says something that other trans people may not want to be associated with. If you don't use or don't plan on keeping any kind of "trans" label, why the hell does it matter, really? If you know who you are and where you're going, what other trans people are doing with their own lives really shouldn't bother you. There's not just one way to be "trans," just like there's not one way to be "male."