The Second
It has come to my attention, for the second time now, that the very end of a pregnancy is a very rotten place for me to be...
I fancy myself a decent mom. I am, however, awful at being pregnant. My mother often talks about how she felt all connected and earthy and powerful during her pregnancies. Mostly, I feel miserable. The desired end result of a healthy pregnancy is absolute joy and unconditional love...the baby. And I'm fine with the sleep deprivation, and the smells, and sounds, as well as the general dismissal of the outside world once the baby arrives.
But the sleep deprivation, and the pain and discomfort, and the (real or imagined) inability to be part of the outside world totally suck (for me) during the last stretch of being pregnant. I am going to rant for a moment about many bothersome late pregnancy things now:
I can eat pretty much anything I want during the day; spicy, rich, heavy, fried...and I may have a touch of indigestion, which, in truth is normal for me even outside of pregnancy. However, I cannot lie down in any position to try to get some sleep without wave after wave of intense heartburn, to the point that I have to take something. And I am so SICK of tums, I want to barf!
Speaking of trying to sleep, between the pain in my hips, numbness and tingling in my fingers, constant pressure on my bladder, and the occasional intense contraction in the middle of the night, I'm not so sure I'll be well rested again until my daughter is potty trained. Yet, the one thing my midwife keeps stressing, apart from drinking plenty of water, is to be getting plenty of rest.
When I can manage to sleep through these things, I wake up in the morning with nothing but aches and pains. My hands and feet are usually so swollen that they actually hurt. I feel like I have arthritis in both hands, both feet, and not surprisingly, both hips. I must be quite a site trying to get to the bathroom first thing in the morning when the urge to go is so intense that its painful, but that pain is matched in some pretty essential tools of locomotion!
Another wonderful hip pain is what I think they call "round ligament" pain...you know, when eveything is trying to open up so the baby can actually get through the birth canal. This kind of pain has brought me to tears, and even caused me to fall down from its intensity. One minute I can walk just fine, the next in one hip or the other (on that rare, astoundingly painful occasion, both) there is that insane pinching-and-pushing sensation that radiates down my leg and strikes me immobile until the pain passes...sometimes to reappear mere seconds later.
Let us not begin on Braxton-Hicks. I mean, latent labor for two weeks has been essentially enough to make these minor, sporatic pains seem nothing more than insect bites. Annoying and painful? Yes. Important or worth noticing? Not so much.
And now, for the past two days, I have felt truly and actually ILL. Nausea, headaches, stomach pain, cold sweats and hot flashes. I can't tell if I'm running fever, but sometimes I get to feeling clammy...and sticky with sweat because its just too damn hot, yet my skin feels cool.
I found a pregnancy tea (thanks for the tip, isarma ). It has helped me in many ways. Apart from simply being a relaxing routine to have, it seems to settle the nausea, and it does make me feel like I am helping my body to prepare for the culmination of these past many months. It also seems to have a calming effect, and I simply feel more at ease after enjoying a cup.
I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I can't make anything happen before she (and my body) is ready. I'm trying to do things that promote stress reduction for me...like enjoying a cup of tea, listening to calming music, or reading...although, I'm not sure that reading is in the interest of reducing my stress because I do become quite emotionally invested in my fiction.
I am using the evening primrose oil, which is supposed to help prepare the cervix, and drinking the tea, which is supposed to help prepare the uterus, and I just keep praying that labor will come. And trying to remain calm until it does.
I almost feel like I want to just sit around and talk with women who have either given birth very recently, or who, like me, will be giving birth very soon. I want to hear from women on the same page that all this pain is okay. That they have it (or had it) too. That the frustration is normal, that all these emotional upheavals are normal...and that, even if it takes a little longer than I want it to, it will all be over very VERY soon, and I'll be holding my little girl in my arms.
...I was really hoping that she would be born early enough to be a Virgo, but, like I did with the idea of having a daughter, I am coming to terms with the idea that I might just have another Libra...
38w 2d