A Cleansing for Solstice
God, I have so much to say. Solstice is tomorrow, so now seems like a really good time for a good brain-purge, so I can have a fresh start...
Um. Confession: I started smoking again. I'm such an IDIOT! And I've already had one failed attempt at quitting. I can't believe I started again, and the reasons I've been able to come up with as to what possessed me to do such an idiot thing are absolutely retarded! So, I will quit again...because I can't smoke an entire cigarette without feeling like I'm a horrible person, and an awful mother. I'm still trying to come up with a good quit plan.
In other health related news, I'm going to try to lose 30% of my total body weight over the next six months (about 60 pouds by my best estimate). I hope I'll get a fat Wal-mart gift card for Xmas, becuase my bathroom scale is broken, and I'd like to get a new one. Then I'll really set down my goals, because I'll have an accurate starting weight. I have discovered Exercize TV on On Demand, and have rediscovered Wii Sports. Also, one of the very few items I gave as part of my Xmas wish-list was the Wii Fit system. Hopefully, I can combine these things with a better diet and drop the weight without it feeling like a huge chore, or sinking money I don't have into a gym membership. I watched a significant portion of the most recent season of Biggest Loser, and I'm pretty convinced that I can pull this off with just a touch of dedication and some pretty intense will-power.
I graduated from Chattahoochee Tech in June with my associates degree in Criminal Justice...
I work at Schlotzsky's Deli. There are so many reasons why I haven't pursued a career in my chosen field yet, but the biggest reason is fear. And I have two major fears about it. The first is rejection, and the second is failure. I'm terrified that I won't actually be qualified for any position for which I might apply. The other side of that coin is that I'm frightened that if I do qualify and actually obtain a position in the Criminal Justice system, I won't be good at it, or will discover that I am otherwise ill-suited to it. The things that are always hiring, such as police, probation and parole officers, I have no strong interest in. When I look at the Juvenile Justice website, I can rarely find posted positions for which I am qualified. I finally found one, and printed out the application...but never finished filling it out, because I was too scared. I wish there were some way to know how good I'd be, or how likely I'd be to be considered for the position before going through all the hoops. I know that I won't even be able to effectively seek employment in my chosen field until I can swallow my fears, but I don't know how I'm going to do that!!
Money sucks, and I'm trying to get a second job, until I can grow a set and try to start my career. Look at me go!
I'm exhausted...Elliott went for about a week sleeping 7-8 hours at night, and now, for the past 4 or 5 nights, she's waked up at 4:30 to be fed. I got used to a full night of sleep too quickly, plus I'm up-and-down sick, and have been for the past 3 weeks, which makes feel drained even more. I mean, I can get myself up to take care of her, but then I find myself draggy and unmotivated throughout the day. Its worse if I have to work, because when I get home, all I want to do is lie down...and half the time, I fall asleep, which makes it really difficult for me to sleep well at night. Its a vicious cycle, really. Here's hoping that she'll settle back into a pattern of 7-8 hours a night, and that I'll finally get over whatever crud I've got.
I've been on this kick lately of trying to track down people I've lost touch with...mostly, this has been spawned by a rash of dreams involving people I've not seen or spoken to in years. Mostly, I'm failing at finding the people I'm looking for, however, I've found a few others along the way with whom I had also lost touch...they just hadn't visited my dreamtime.
I feel at odds with my house. On the occasion that I can finally motivate myself to get stuff done, it seems to pile up 10 times more rapidly than I can accomplish anything. Josh has been a doll, helping me at least try to stay on top of the dishes. I wish I could get my home clean enough to host a party. I mean, I've been in this house for a year and change, and still haven't blessed it with any entertaining! I can't wait to have a poker party! I love (and deeply miss) entertaining.
I guess that the ultimate point of this post is to put into words the things I want, as well as what's stopping me from achieving said things. So here...my 2009 "resolutions", as it were:
Lose 30% of my body weight
Quit Smoking
Start actively and actually seeking employment in criminal justice
Get over illnesses, and bless the day when Elliott really begins sleeping "through the night"
Get back in touch with old friends
Get home cleaned up, and get into a regular routine of housework
Have a party, or MANY parties!
That's not so hard...