FIC: When Love & Hate Collide, Part 16
Title: When Love & Hate Collide
Author: Cassie Morgan (falconkenobi@aol.com)
Author Web Page: http://www.aemslash.co.uk Obsess, Much?
Fandom: RPS - Good Charlotte/Mest
Categories: Joel Madden/Billy Martin. Drama. Angst. A/U
Rating: PG13
Archive: Yes to list archives. All others please let me know where so I can come and preen, okay?
Thanks to: You, for reading this. Paul, for being patient and understanding when I disappear into the computer room for days on end to write. Chel, as ever, for the beta
Disclaimer: The members of Good Charlotte & Mest are real people, and the events in this story are just that - fictional, figments of my sick and twisted imagination. Hell, call it a fantasy if it makes you feel better. Whatever. No rumours should be started in regards to any events in these works of fiction. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes and no money is being made out of it.
Summary: Benji is an actively homophobic jock. Do he and his gang have anything to do with the recent spate of violent attacks on gay teenagers in town? And how does he react when he finds out that his own twin brother, Joel, is gay
Part 01 Part 02 Part 03 Part 04 Part 05 Part 06 Part 07 Part 08 Part 09 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15
So here we are... the very end of When Love & Hate Collide. It's 16 chapters, 31 pages and something like 9 months in the writing. WAY the longest fic I've ever written and I've been writing fanfiction for nearly 10 years....
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who's stuck by this fic; to everyone who's read, to everyone who has loved, to everyone who has commented and reviewed.
And especially to black_vinegar, elvenpirate and original_kaos who have spent hours listening to me bitch, moan, plot, write and cry at them over AIM.
“Do you know where he is, Benji?” Tony interrupted softly.
Benji nodded. He looked up and met Tony’s eyes. “He’s in the park.”
Tony’s eyes widened, his mouth forming an ‘o’ of surprise. He stared blankly at Benji for a long minute before shaking himself. “The park,” he echoed, forehead creased in a frown. “Why would he go back there?” He shrugged, nodding slightly. “Come to think of it, it does actually make some kind of sense, in a Joel-like way.” He nodded again, grabbing Benji’s arm and pulling him to his feet. “Well what the fuck are we doing still sitting here?” He demanded. “Lets get our asses to the park and bring Joel home, back where he belongs!”
Without giving Benji chance to respond, Tony dragged him across the car park to the taxi rank, jumping in the first free cab. The ride to the park was silent, both boys lost in their own thoughts. Tony jumped slightly at the first clap of thunder, sighing as the sky grew even darker and the rain started to fall.
“Great,” he muttered, glancing over at Benji, a slither of fear darting down his spine at the expression on Benji’s face. “Benj?”
Before Benji had chance to respond, the cab pulled to a stop outside the main gates. Tony dug his hand in his jeans pocket, threw a note at the driver and almost fell out of the car in his haste.
He turned to Benji. “Ok. So, park. Now... Now I run out of ideas,” he admitted, burying his hands in his jeans pockets, huddling into his hoodie against the rain. “So... How the fuck do we find Joel?”
Benji nodded, zipping his own hoodie up. He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again abruptly before sprinting off down the path, leaving Tony stunned in his wake. He ran through the park, leaving the path and veering onto the grass, ignoring the bushes and trees that slapped against him, ignoring the fact he kept skidding on the wet grass; he could feel Joel, knew he needed to get to him, and that was the only thing he cared about. He stumbled to a stop, the realisation hitting him like a punch to the stomach; he still cared about Joel!
Tears streaming down his face, he took a second to both catch his bearings and let Tony catch up with him.
Bending forward, his hands on his knees, blonde hair sticking to his forehead, Tony wheezed as he caught his breath. He glanced up at Benji. “You... the... only... jock... around... here...” he reminded him, pushing his hair off his forehead as he straightened up. “Fuck!” Tilting his head up to the sky, he let the rain cascade down onto his face, cooling him down slightly. “So...”
Still silent, Benji nodded and started off again, jogging at a steady pace for a couple of minutes before stopping abruptly; Joel was a few metres in front of them, curled up on the concrete at the base of one of the statues in the park.
Benji froze, the colour draining from his face as he turned to look at Tony. “I can’t do this,” he shook his head, taking an involuntary step back.
“Yes you can,” Tony encouraged, pushing him forward. “You’re here now... just talk to him. How difficult can it be?” Tony raised an eyebrow. “He’s your twin brother...”
“I know,” Benji nodded. “But... I... He... No, I can‘t.”
Tony nodded too. “Yeah, I know. But you need to.”
“I know,” Benji repeated, taking a deep breath before slowly walking towards Joel, relieved to feel Tony following him.
Joel didn’t notice his approach, jumping and crying out softly when Benji crouched down in front of him, one hand on his knee, saying his name. “Benji!” His eyes widened and he flinched back. “What are you... No... Just...” He shook his head, narrowing his eyes at Benji, his arms wrapping around his stomach. “Fuck off, Benj.”
“Joel, please...” Benji begged, snatching his hand back. “I just... I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise. I just... I just want to talk to you, want you to come home.”
Joel snorted in disbelief. “Uh-uh... I said fuck off.”
Tony stepped in to view, kneeling down next to Joel. “You think I’m gonna let Benji hurt you, Joel?”
“No,” Joel agreed. “But I don’t...” His eyes darted between Tony and Benji, confusion etched as clearly on his face as the pain. “What’s going on?”
“We want you to come home,” Tony told him, sitting down on the wet floor. “I want you to come home, your mom wants you to come home, Paul wants you to come home, Billy wants you to come home...” He looked up at Benji who nodded.
“And I want you to come home,” Benji finished.
Joel swallowed heavily, allowing a glimmer of hope to float to the surface. “Really?” He heard himself ask in a small voice, uncurling slightly when Benji nodded.
“Listen to what Benji has to say?” Tony asked.
“’K,” Joel agreed, nodding. He watched slightly warily as Benji moved to sit next to him.
“I’m sorry,” Benji offered. “I know I’ve been a bastard lately but I really am sorry, Joel. I’ve been a total fucking jerk...” He sighed, leaning his head back. “I know I’ve hurt you, and your friends. And I know its not just physical, either. If... If I could take it back, I would. I never meant...” he trailed off, tears rolling down his cheeks; cheeks that were burning with shame. “I’m sorry. And I know that ‘sorry’ is never ever gonna cut it, not for what I’ve done. But it’s all I’ve got.” He shifted on the ground to look at Joel, one hand tentatively reaching out to Joel, resting lightly on the cast on his wrist. When Joel didn’t pull away, Benji took a deep breath, his thoughts trailing off with a frown. “Fuck! Joel, you’re freezing!” He unzipped his hoodie, wrapping it around Joel’s shoulders, frown deepening at the feel of his sodden clothes, the slight tremors wracking him. “Joel?” Benji wrapped his arm around Joel’s shoulders, pulling him against him slightly, automatically feeling his forehead for a temperature.
Benji looked across at Tony, a worried look on his face; a worried look that Tony returned. Frowning, Tony gestured for Benji to keep going as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket, dialling his Mom.
“When I think about...” Benji’s voice hitched in his throat. “About... About what I’ve done... to... to you... Joely it makes me feel sick. I thought... I was so fucking stupid, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought... I thought I was getting through to the faggots, thought I was teaching them a lesson but I... I was wrong and so fucking stupid, Joel. I... I couldn’t see past the fact that you were gay, was so blind, so stubborn that it was like I couldn’t see you anymore, couldn’t see my brother, my own twin until it was too late and I... I miss my baby brother. I miss my Joel, miss him so fucking much and I just want him back. More than anything I want you back, Joel. I love you... To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you and... I miss you and I just want you back and I want things to go back to how they were. And I know that will never happen and I know that you’ll never be able to forgive me and it’s all my own fault. You hate me. I deserve it, I know I do. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry.”
Benji looked up at the sound of Tony talking softly to his Mom on his phone, flashing a quick grateful smile at him before turning his attention back to Joel; worry etched deeply on his face at how still and quiet Joel was, leaning heavily against him, his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. “Joel?”
Joel blinked rapidly a couple of times, coughing hard, cradling his broken wrist against his chest. “Love you too, Benji,” he admitted. But...” he trailed off, looking up at Benji. He reached out, touching Benji’s cheek with his other hand. “What happened?” he asked, looking at Benji’s swollen eye and split lip.
Tony shoved his phone back in his pocket, his eyes widening in disbelief at Joel’s softly spoken question. “Unbelievable,” he muttered, shaking his head. “After all... he’s still worried when Benji’s hurt.” Pushing himself to his feet, he wandered back to the path to both wait for his Mom, and to give the twins some privacy.
Benji felt his cheeks heat up and ducked his head. “Tony introduced my face to a brick wall. A couple of times,” he admitted quietly.
“No... Fuck, no!“ He sat up, shifting away from Benji, trembling with the effort, cold sweat beading on his forehead, a stubborn expression on his face, jaw hard. “I fucking believed you! I really believed that you meant all that; believed that you were sorry and that you loved me. Should have fucking known it was all just another game to you.” He shook his head, struggling to a standing position, grunting and crying out when his knees buckled and he fell back to the floor.
Benji was at his side instantly, helping him back to a sitting position. What he wasn’t expecting was for Joel’s fist to come flying at him, punching him on the shoulder hard enough to knock him to the floor.
“I said fuck off, Benjamin! And I meant it.” Curling in on himself, Joel shook his head, watching as Benji sat back up again. “I wanted to believe you, wanted you to still love me, wanted you to still be my big brother. Wanted it so much that I believed you. But it wasn’t fucking true,” Joel spat, fresh tears rolling down his pale cheeks. “None of it was fucking true. The only reason you came was because of Tony... He put you up to it. How long has he been in on it all? How long has he been pretending to be my friend?“ Joel demanded. “I wanted to believe you so badly, Benji. God, could I have been any more fucking stupid?” He slumped back against the statue, shivering with fear and pain and cold. The anger faded from his eyes, replaced with a dull, defeated look. “So.. why don’t you just finish the fucking job! Get rid of the stupid gay boy once and for all. It’s what you really want, isn’t it? That’s what you really came after me for. We both know it’s true.”
“Joel, no!” Benji exclaimed, grabbing his upper arms and shaking him hard. “Don’t say that. Don’t even fucking think it! It’s not true, that’s not why I’m here and you know it.”
Joel shook his head. "I don't know what I think any more," he sniffed, knuckling his eyes.
“Joel, please... you have to believe me. I swear I’m telling you the truth. And no, maybe I wouldn‘t be here if Tony hadn‘t knocked some sense into me, but does it really matter? That I’m here, that I know I‘ve been a fucking idiot... isn‘t that what counts?”
“For as long as I can remember,” Joel interrupted, ignoring Benji’s pleas. “All I ever wanted was to be just like you. You were always bigger than me, stronger than me...” He shrugged, sadly. “Better than me. And then when I realised I couldn’t be like you, I just wanted you to like me. Wanted you to love me, to be proud of me. And... And I thought you were. I really thought you were. But now I know... You weren’t. You never were. All you see when you look at me... you’re disgusted by me. I can’t help the person I am, Benji. I can’t change who I am. I... I don’t want to be the person you hate but this is who I am. If you can’t...” He took a deep breath, meeting Benji’s eyes. “If you can’t accept me for who I am, if you can’t love who I am, then you can just fuck off!”
As he grew more agitated and emotional, the tremors wracking Joel’s thin body increased until he was trembling from head to foot. The cold sweat ran down his face, mingling with his tears and the rain, his coughs growing more pronounced as his voice rose in anger, leaving him doubled over, holding his stomach as pain raced through him.
“Joel?” Benji dropped to the floor, next to Joel, cradling him in his arms.
Joel moaned, feebly trying to pull away from Benji before sagging against him in relief. “Benji...” Joel automatically curled into Benji. “It hurts...”
“Please, Joel. I... I’m sorry, there’s nothing more I can say. I don’t blame you for not believing me; fuck I probably wouldn’t believe me,“ he laughed dryly, his desperation clear in his tone. “I was stupid and blind and ignorant for not seeing it, for not seeing you but I see it now. I... I need to learn that it doesn’t matter that you’re gay because you’re still my brother, you’re still my Joel and I DO love you and I am proud of you and I just want to make it up to you, to show you. If you’ll please just let me... let me show you, let me make it up to you, let me be the brother you deserve. But first... first please come home with me Joel. Come back to the hospital with me. I’m worried about you. You’re hurt, you’re cold, you’re soaking wet, you’re shaking and coughing and you’re in pain and fuck I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going on and... I love you, Joel. Please believe me..”
Benji trailed off at the touch of Tony’s hand to his shoulder, Tony and his mom standing behind them. “I...” Wiping away his tears, he shook his head and Tony stepped back again.
“I love you, Joel,” Benji repeated, begging Joel to believe him. “I love you and I want you back and I‘m so fucking sorry and... I just want my brother back. And I know that there‘s no way for you to ever forgive me for what I‘ve done...”
“I want to,” Joel interrupted quietly, meeting Benji’s eyes. “I want my brother back too,” he admitted, fresh tears welling in his eyes and rolling down his face as Benji wrapped his arms around him. Sighing softly, he returned the embrace, his head resting on Benji’s shoulder; the twins holding each other as they cried.
Tony let them sit there, holding each other for a few minutes before stepping forward again, crouching down next to them. “Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s get Joel back to the hospital.”
Benji nodded, reluctantly pulling away from Joel, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Yeah,” he agreed, offering a helping hand to Joel to pull him to his feet.
“OK... Thanks.” Joel smiled gratefully at Benji, moaning as his knees buckled and he started to collapse back to the floor. Benji quickly grabbed Joel, one arm around his back.
“You OK?” Benji asked, steadying Joel. He took one look at Joel’s pale, pained face and shook his head. “Or not,” he amended. “We definitely need to get you back to the hospital.” He looked between Tony and Tony’s mom and sighed, bracing his knees and picking Joel up. “Lead the way.” Tony turned, leading the way back to where his Mom’s car was parked to take Joel back to the hospital. Benji followed them, Joel cradled protectively against his chest.
~El Fin~
Author: Cassie Morgan (falconkenobi@aol.com)
Author Web Page: http://www.aemslash.co.uk Obsess, Much?
Fandom: RPS - Good Charlotte/Mest
Categories: Joel Madden/Billy Martin. Drama. Angst. A/U
Rating: PG13
Archive: Yes to list archives. All others please let me know where so I can come and preen, okay?
Thanks to: You, for reading this. Paul, for being patient and understanding when I disappear into the computer room for days on end to write. Chel, as ever, for the beta
Disclaimer: The members of Good Charlotte & Mest are real people, and the events in this story are just that - fictional, figments of my sick and twisted imagination. Hell, call it a fantasy if it makes you feel better. Whatever. No rumours should be started in regards to any events in these works of fiction. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes and no money is being made out of it.
Summary: Benji is an actively homophobic jock. Do he and his gang have anything to do with the recent spate of violent attacks on gay teenagers in town? And how does he react when he finds out that his own twin brother, Joel, is gay
Part 01 Part 02 Part 03 Part 04 Part 05 Part 06 Part 07 Part 08 Part 09 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15
So here we are... the very end of When Love & Hate Collide. It's 16 chapters, 31 pages and something like 9 months in the writing. WAY the longest fic I've ever written and I've been writing fanfiction for nearly 10 years....
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who's stuck by this fic; to everyone who's read, to everyone who has loved, to everyone who has commented and reviewed.
And especially to black_vinegar, elvenpirate and original_kaos who have spent hours listening to me bitch, moan, plot, write and cry at them over AIM.
“Do you know where he is, Benji?” Tony interrupted softly.
Benji nodded. He looked up and met Tony’s eyes. “He’s in the park.”
Tony’s eyes widened, his mouth forming an ‘o’ of surprise. He stared blankly at Benji for a long minute before shaking himself. “The park,” he echoed, forehead creased in a frown. “Why would he go back there?” He shrugged, nodding slightly. “Come to think of it, it does actually make some kind of sense, in a Joel-like way.” He nodded again, grabbing Benji’s arm and pulling him to his feet. “Well what the fuck are we doing still sitting here?” He demanded. “Lets get our asses to the park and bring Joel home, back where he belongs!”
Without giving Benji chance to respond, Tony dragged him across the car park to the taxi rank, jumping in the first free cab. The ride to the park was silent, both boys lost in their own thoughts. Tony jumped slightly at the first clap of thunder, sighing as the sky grew even darker and the rain started to fall.
“Great,” he muttered, glancing over at Benji, a slither of fear darting down his spine at the expression on Benji’s face. “Benj?”
Before Benji had chance to respond, the cab pulled to a stop outside the main gates. Tony dug his hand in his jeans pocket, threw a note at the driver and almost fell out of the car in his haste.
He turned to Benji. “Ok. So, park. Now... Now I run out of ideas,” he admitted, burying his hands in his jeans pockets, huddling into his hoodie against the rain. “So... How the fuck do we find Joel?”
Benji nodded, zipping his own hoodie up. He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again abruptly before sprinting off down the path, leaving Tony stunned in his wake. He ran through the park, leaving the path and veering onto the grass, ignoring the bushes and trees that slapped against him, ignoring the fact he kept skidding on the wet grass; he could feel Joel, knew he needed to get to him, and that was the only thing he cared about. He stumbled to a stop, the realisation hitting him like a punch to the stomach; he still cared about Joel!
Tears streaming down his face, he took a second to both catch his bearings and let Tony catch up with him.
Bending forward, his hands on his knees, blonde hair sticking to his forehead, Tony wheezed as he caught his breath. He glanced up at Benji. “You... the... only... jock... around... here...” he reminded him, pushing his hair off his forehead as he straightened up. “Fuck!” Tilting his head up to the sky, he let the rain cascade down onto his face, cooling him down slightly. “So...”
Still silent, Benji nodded and started off again, jogging at a steady pace for a couple of minutes before stopping abruptly; Joel was a few metres in front of them, curled up on the concrete at the base of one of the statues in the park.
Benji froze, the colour draining from his face as he turned to look at Tony. “I can’t do this,” he shook his head, taking an involuntary step back.
“Yes you can,” Tony encouraged, pushing him forward. “You’re here now... just talk to him. How difficult can it be?” Tony raised an eyebrow. “He’s your twin brother...”
“I know,” Benji nodded. “But... I... He... No, I can‘t.”
Tony nodded too. “Yeah, I know. But you need to.”
“I know,” Benji repeated, taking a deep breath before slowly walking towards Joel, relieved to feel Tony following him.
Joel didn’t notice his approach, jumping and crying out softly when Benji crouched down in front of him, one hand on his knee, saying his name. “Benji!” His eyes widened and he flinched back. “What are you... No... Just...” He shook his head, narrowing his eyes at Benji, his arms wrapping around his stomach. “Fuck off, Benj.”
“Joel, please...” Benji begged, snatching his hand back. “I just... I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise. I just... I just want to talk to you, want you to come home.”
Joel snorted in disbelief. “Uh-uh... I said fuck off.”
Tony stepped in to view, kneeling down next to Joel. “You think I’m gonna let Benji hurt you, Joel?”
“No,” Joel agreed. “But I don’t...” His eyes darted between Tony and Benji, confusion etched as clearly on his face as the pain. “What’s going on?”
“We want you to come home,” Tony told him, sitting down on the wet floor. “I want you to come home, your mom wants you to come home, Paul wants you to come home, Billy wants you to come home...” He looked up at Benji who nodded.
“And I want you to come home,” Benji finished.
Joel swallowed heavily, allowing a glimmer of hope to float to the surface. “Really?” He heard himself ask in a small voice, uncurling slightly when Benji nodded.
“Listen to what Benji has to say?” Tony asked.
“’K,” Joel agreed, nodding. He watched slightly warily as Benji moved to sit next to him.
“I’m sorry,” Benji offered. “I know I’ve been a bastard lately but I really am sorry, Joel. I’ve been a total fucking jerk...” He sighed, leaning his head back. “I know I’ve hurt you, and your friends. And I know its not just physical, either. If... If I could take it back, I would. I never meant...” he trailed off, tears rolling down his cheeks; cheeks that were burning with shame. “I’m sorry. And I know that ‘sorry’ is never ever gonna cut it, not for what I’ve done. But it’s all I’ve got.” He shifted on the ground to look at Joel, one hand tentatively reaching out to Joel, resting lightly on the cast on his wrist. When Joel didn’t pull away, Benji took a deep breath, his thoughts trailing off with a frown. “Fuck! Joel, you’re freezing!” He unzipped his hoodie, wrapping it around Joel’s shoulders, frown deepening at the feel of his sodden clothes, the slight tremors wracking him. “Joel?” Benji wrapped his arm around Joel’s shoulders, pulling him against him slightly, automatically feeling his forehead for a temperature.
Benji looked across at Tony, a worried look on his face; a worried look that Tony returned. Frowning, Tony gestured for Benji to keep going as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket, dialling his Mom.
“When I think about...” Benji’s voice hitched in his throat. “About... About what I’ve done... to... to you... Joely it makes me feel sick. I thought... I was so fucking stupid, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought... I thought I was getting through to the faggots, thought I was teaching them a lesson but I... I was wrong and so fucking stupid, Joel. I... I couldn’t see past the fact that you were gay, was so blind, so stubborn that it was like I couldn’t see you anymore, couldn’t see my brother, my own twin until it was too late and I... I miss my baby brother. I miss my Joel, miss him so fucking much and I just want him back. More than anything I want you back, Joel. I love you... To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you and... I miss you and I just want you back and I want things to go back to how they were. And I know that will never happen and I know that you’ll never be able to forgive me and it’s all my own fault. You hate me. I deserve it, I know I do. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry.”
Benji looked up at the sound of Tony talking softly to his Mom on his phone, flashing a quick grateful smile at him before turning his attention back to Joel; worry etched deeply on his face at how still and quiet Joel was, leaning heavily against him, his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. “Joel?”
Joel blinked rapidly a couple of times, coughing hard, cradling his broken wrist against his chest. “Love you too, Benji,” he admitted. But...” he trailed off, looking up at Benji. He reached out, touching Benji’s cheek with his other hand. “What happened?” he asked, looking at Benji’s swollen eye and split lip.
Tony shoved his phone back in his pocket, his eyes widening in disbelief at Joel’s softly spoken question. “Unbelievable,” he muttered, shaking his head. “After all... he’s still worried when Benji’s hurt.” Pushing himself to his feet, he wandered back to the path to both wait for his Mom, and to give the twins some privacy.
Benji felt his cheeks heat up and ducked his head. “Tony introduced my face to a brick wall. A couple of times,” he admitted quietly.
“No... Fuck, no!“ He sat up, shifting away from Benji, trembling with the effort, cold sweat beading on his forehead, a stubborn expression on his face, jaw hard. “I fucking believed you! I really believed that you meant all that; believed that you were sorry and that you loved me. Should have fucking known it was all just another game to you.” He shook his head, struggling to a standing position, grunting and crying out when his knees buckled and he fell back to the floor.
Benji was at his side instantly, helping him back to a sitting position. What he wasn’t expecting was for Joel’s fist to come flying at him, punching him on the shoulder hard enough to knock him to the floor.
“I said fuck off, Benjamin! And I meant it.” Curling in on himself, Joel shook his head, watching as Benji sat back up again. “I wanted to believe you, wanted you to still love me, wanted you to still be my big brother. Wanted it so much that I believed you. But it wasn’t fucking true,” Joel spat, fresh tears rolling down his pale cheeks. “None of it was fucking true. The only reason you came was because of Tony... He put you up to it. How long has he been in on it all? How long has he been pretending to be my friend?“ Joel demanded. “I wanted to believe you so badly, Benji. God, could I have been any more fucking stupid?” He slumped back against the statue, shivering with fear and pain and cold. The anger faded from his eyes, replaced with a dull, defeated look. “So.. why don’t you just finish the fucking job! Get rid of the stupid gay boy once and for all. It’s what you really want, isn’t it? That’s what you really came after me for. We both know it’s true.”
“Joel, no!” Benji exclaimed, grabbing his upper arms and shaking him hard. “Don’t say that. Don’t even fucking think it! It’s not true, that’s not why I’m here and you know it.”
Joel shook his head. "I don't know what I think any more," he sniffed, knuckling his eyes.
“Joel, please... you have to believe me. I swear I’m telling you the truth. And no, maybe I wouldn‘t be here if Tony hadn‘t knocked some sense into me, but does it really matter? That I’m here, that I know I‘ve been a fucking idiot... isn‘t that what counts?”
“For as long as I can remember,” Joel interrupted, ignoring Benji’s pleas. “All I ever wanted was to be just like you. You were always bigger than me, stronger than me...” He shrugged, sadly. “Better than me. And then when I realised I couldn’t be like you, I just wanted you to like me. Wanted you to love me, to be proud of me. And... And I thought you were. I really thought you were. But now I know... You weren’t. You never were. All you see when you look at me... you’re disgusted by me. I can’t help the person I am, Benji. I can’t change who I am. I... I don’t want to be the person you hate but this is who I am. If you can’t...” He took a deep breath, meeting Benji’s eyes. “If you can’t accept me for who I am, if you can’t love who I am, then you can just fuck off!”
As he grew more agitated and emotional, the tremors wracking Joel’s thin body increased until he was trembling from head to foot. The cold sweat ran down his face, mingling with his tears and the rain, his coughs growing more pronounced as his voice rose in anger, leaving him doubled over, holding his stomach as pain raced through him.
“Joel?” Benji dropped to the floor, next to Joel, cradling him in his arms.
Joel moaned, feebly trying to pull away from Benji before sagging against him in relief. “Benji...” Joel automatically curled into Benji. “It hurts...”
“Please, Joel. I... I’m sorry, there’s nothing more I can say. I don’t blame you for not believing me; fuck I probably wouldn’t believe me,“ he laughed dryly, his desperation clear in his tone. “I was stupid and blind and ignorant for not seeing it, for not seeing you but I see it now. I... I need to learn that it doesn’t matter that you’re gay because you’re still my brother, you’re still my Joel and I DO love you and I am proud of you and I just want to make it up to you, to show you. If you’ll please just let me... let me show you, let me make it up to you, let me be the brother you deserve. But first... first please come home with me Joel. Come back to the hospital with me. I’m worried about you. You’re hurt, you’re cold, you’re soaking wet, you’re shaking and coughing and you’re in pain and fuck I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going on and... I love you, Joel. Please believe me..”
Benji trailed off at the touch of Tony’s hand to his shoulder, Tony and his mom standing behind them. “I...” Wiping away his tears, he shook his head and Tony stepped back again.
“I love you, Joel,” Benji repeated, begging Joel to believe him. “I love you and I want you back and I‘m so fucking sorry and... I just want my brother back. And I know that there‘s no way for you to ever forgive me for what I‘ve done...”
“I want to,” Joel interrupted quietly, meeting Benji’s eyes. “I want my brother back too,” he admitted, fresh tears welling in his eyes and rolling down his face as Benji wrapped his arms around him. Sighing softly, he returned the embrace, his head resting on Benji’s shoulder; the twins holding each other as they cried.
Tony let them sit there, holding each other for a few minutes before stepping forward again, crouching down next to them. “Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s get Joel back to the hospital.”
Benji nodded, reluctantly pulling away from Joel, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Yeah,” he agreed, offering a helping hand to Joel to pull him to his feet.
“OK... Thanks.” Joel smiled gratefully at Benji, moaning as his knees buckled and he started to collapse back to the floor. Benji quickly grabbed Joel, one arm around his back.
“You OK?” Benji asked, steadying Joel. He took one look at Joel’s pale, pained face and shook his head. “Or not,” he amended. “We definitely need to get you back to the hospital.” He looked between Tony and Tony’s mom and sighed, bracing his knees and picking Joel up. “Lead the way.” Tony turned, leading the way back to where his Mom’s car was parked to take Joel back to the hospital. Benji followed them, Joel cradled protectively against his chest.
~El Fin~