bad domlijah (are we surprised?)
Preview
When Elijah awoke a faint spark of arousal warmed him momentarily until he lifted his leg to roll over. The spark of arousal was then replaced by an unexpected twinge in his backside....
“What the fuck?” he asked himself under his breath.
He retuned to lay flat on his back with a pained and curious expression on his face. He reached behind himself with his left hand and rubbed his naked buns only to find that this did not sooth the soreness. He couldn’t really recognize the sensation, but it seemed to be centered inside. He put his fingers superficially in-between his butt cheeks to feel around. For what, he had no clue. Nothing. The ache slash burn was deeper still than that.
“Okay, what the fuck?” this time with a bit more conviction.
....The throbbing brought on a flashback of the night before at the pub. The boys were all gathered round their usual table drinking ales and other equally British delights. Somehow Bills had suckered Lij into buying the hobbits and the honorary hobbit all the rounds for the night. Billy said something about a rite of passage and reparations for the inequality of bank accounts. Elijah couldn’t quite recall all of the details. Just that he had felt proprieties commanded that he be generous and keep up with the boys, since the drinks were all on him.
“Well that would explain the headache, but what happened to my ass?”
....“Hi, Mom”
“Hi Honey. Are you all right? Sweetie, you sound terrible.”
“I am terrible. I have a really bad headache…and…kinda all over”
“Well are you going to have time to rest, Hun? If you don’t you better get to a doctor”
“M Kay.” Stops a beat. “Mom?”…“Um, what do hemorrhoids feel like?”
“I seriously doubt that you have hemorrhoids, Elijah. I know you think you’re an old man, but you’re pretty young for that.”
“Well, are they a bit…um…like having a cramp… or something like that?”
“No, Dear. You probably have gas again. I can easily imagine that you’re not getting enough rest. Stress causes you gas, you know that. Get some more sleep if you can and get to a Doctor to be on the safe side. Promise?”
....He spent extra time gently cleansing around and between his buttocks. It stung a bit as he touched. He was then convinced that he had in fact developed hemorrhoids and that he would be seeing the doctor. He had heard once that stress could cause this problem, so he wasn’t surprised after he put some thought into it.
Read the complete story in all of it's glory here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lij_girl/1917.html
When Elijah awoke a faint spark of arousal warmed him momentarily until he lifted his leg to roll over. The spark of arousal was then replaced by an unexpected twinge in his backside....
“What the fuck?” he asked himself under his breath.
He retuned to lay flat on his back with a pained and curious expression on his face. He reached behind himself with his left hand and rubbed his naked buns only to find that this did not sooth the soreness. He couldn’t really recognize the sensation, but it seemed to be centered inside. He put his fingers superficially in-between his butt cheeks to feel around. For what, he had no clue. Nothing. The ache slash burn was deeper still than that.
“Okay, what the fuck?” this time with a bit more conviction.
....The throbbing brought on a flashback of the night before at the pub. The boys were all gathered round their usual table drinking ales and other equally British delights. Somehow Bills had suckered Lij into buying the hobbits and the honorary hobbit all the rounds for the night. Billy said something about a rite of passage and reparations for the inequality of bank accounts. Elijah couldn’t quite recall all of the details. Just that he had felt proprieties commanded that he be generous and keep up with the boys, since the drinks were all on him.
“Well that would explain the headache, but what happened to my ass?”
....“Hi, Mom”
“Hi Honey. Are you all right? Sweetie, you sound terrible.”
“I am terrible. I have a really bad headache…and…kinda all over”
“Well are you going to have time to rest, Hun? If you don’t you better get to a doctor”
“M Kay.” Stops a beat. “Mom?”…“Um, what do hemorrhoids feel like?”
“I seriously doubt that you have hemorrhoids, Elijah. I know you think you’re an old man, but you’re pretty young for that.”
“Well, are they a bit…um…like having a cramp… or something like that?”
“No, Dear. You probably have gas again. I can easily imagine that you’re not getting enough rest. Stress causes you gas, you know that. Get some more sleep if you can and get to a Doctor to be on the safe side. Promise?”
....He spent extra time gently cleansing around and between his buttocks. It stung a bit as he touched. He was then convinced that he had in fact developed hemorrhoids and that he would be seeing the doctor. He had heard once that stress could cause this problem, so he wasn’t surprised after he put some thought into it.
Read the complete story in all of it's glory here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lij_girl/1917.html