(no subject)
What I think will happen in Book 7
(questions blatantly stolen from Liz, who stole them from mugglenet.com)
Who will die? • Harry, Voldemort, and Snape will take each other out in a three-way Adava Kedavra, like those guys in Reservoir Dogs only with wands instead of guns. Hermione will get in a knife-fight with a trained crocodile and lose, really badly. Ron, in a fit of psychosis, will return to Hogwarts and murder all the first-year children "because that's where it all started." His own wand will backfire before he can move on to the second-years and he'll turn into a chocolate bar, which'll be eaten by Fang, who will then die due to chocolate poisoning because he's a dog and they're not supposed to eat chocolate. Hagrid will attempt to take his own life and fail horribly multiple times until he finally just rams his head into the castle wall until dead. The Thestrals will run wild without their master and eat the rest of the children; they'll regurgitate the Creevey brothers just so they can kill them again. Fred and George will get scurvy and their teeth will fall out and they'll be reduced to grisly yet hilarious cannibalism after a freak Apparition accident that traps them a mile underground, gumming each other to death. Remus Lupin's body will be eaten away by Wizarding Cancer and he'll opt for surgery that removes his brain and he'll survive until the collapse of the universe, floating in a jar with a speaker wired to his speech center; a repository for the wisdom of the ages. Everyone else lives peacefully until their painful disease-ridden ends (see below).
Will Harry return to Hogwarts? • As a ghost. He'll ghost-pee on Dumbledore's grave and then weep ghost-tears for several hours as Hogwarts burns behind him, fiddling violently on a ghost-violin. And then he'll murder the other ghosts.
How will the various relationships unfold/begin? • Tonks will reproduce asexually and fall in love with her offspring, starting a colony of wild inbred Metamorphmagi in the hills of Scotland. All the remaining important characters swear to a life of celibacy and then break that oath in a massive disgusting orgy until they melt due to a Wizarding STD.
To what does "Deathly Hallows" refer? • When you wake up in the morning and greet someone and your breath smells like a trash bag full of dead kittens and they get your breath right in their face and make this "EWW SICK" face and you're like, "Sorry, I was asleep" but of course, you're still breathing in their face and they're retreating, throwing their head from left to right as if they can shake the smell away, eyes pinched shut to prevent them from bleeding and you're like "DUDE I SAID I WAS SORRY" and they start crying a little bit and stumble backwards over the balcony and fall to their death.
Is Snape good/bad/neither? • Snape transcends petty concepts like "good" or "bad"; he's the archetype for an entire new breed of ethic, known simply as "greasy nose."
Watch me be right.
(questions blatantly stolen from Liz, who stole them from mugglenet.com)
Who will die? • Harry, Voldemort, and Snape will take each other out in a three-way Adava Kedavra, like those guys in Reservoir Dogs only with wands instead of guns. Hermione will get in a knife-fight with a trained crocodile and lose, really badly. Ron, in a fit of psychosis, will return to Hogwarts and murder all the first-year children "because that's where it all started." His own wand will backfire before he can move on to the second-years and he'll turn into a chocolate bar, which'll be eaten by Fang, who will then die due to chocolate poisoning because he's a dog and they're not supposed to eat chocolate. Hagrid will attempt to take his own life and fail horribly multiple times until he finally just rams his head into the castle wall until dead. The Thestrals will run wild without their master and eat the rest of the children; they'll regurgitate the Creevey brothers just so they can kill them again. Fred and George will get scurvy and their teeth will fall out and they'll be reduced to grisly yet hilarious cannibalism after a freak Apparition accident that traps them a mile underground, gumming each other to death. Remus Lupin's body will be eaten away by Wizarding Cancer and he'll opt for surgery that removes his brain and he'll survive until the collapse of the universe, floating in a jar with a speaker wired to his speech center; a repository for the wisdom of the ages. Everyone else lives peacefully until their painful disease-ridden ends (see below).
Will Harry return to Hogwarts? • As a ghost. He'll ghost-pee on Dumbledore's grave and then weep ghost-tears for several hours as Hogwarts burns behind him, fiddling violently on a ghost-violin. And then he'll murder the other ghosts.
How will the various relationships unfold/begin? • Tonks will reproduce asexually and fall in love with her offspring, starting a colony of wild inbred Metamorphmagi in the hills of Scotland. All the remaining important characters swear to a life of celibacy and then break that oath in a massive disgusting orgy until they melt due to a Wizarding STD.
To what does "Deathly Hallows" refer? • When you wake up in the morning and greet someone and your breath smells like a trash bag full of dead kittens and they get your breath right in their face and make this "EWW SICK" face and you're like, "Sorry, I was asleep" but of course, you're still breathing in their face and they're retreating, throwing their head from left to right as if they can shake the smell away, eyes pinched shut to prevent them from bleeding and you're like "DUDE I SAID I WAS SORRY" and they start crying a little bit and stumble backwards over the balcony and fall to their death.
Is Snape good/bad/neither? • Snape transcends petty concepts like "good" or "bad"; he's the archetype for an entire new breed of ethic, known simply as "greasy nose."
Watch me be right.