July entry,week 2 for brigits flame

[badgurl_gone_gd]

                                                           It hurts when I do this.......

She sort of looked like she could have been a killer. The finely carved, narrow lines of her face gave her a stealth, almost feline look. But it was those slate-shaded eyes that did it. Able to deliver a stare so cold, it could make even the

Comments

Editor 1

[triplescorpio]

I'm your primary editor this week. I'm not a professional one, so basically, I just tell it like I see it. And I see this scenario very well. You did an excellent job of portraying your character through description and imagery. I really could see her, and her apartment. I like the way you portrayed the scenes with her husband as flashbacks. I think this gave some control to the emotional intensity of the piece. The only other thing I can add is that I feel the last sentence would be more effective written as two sentences: "This was her sentence for killing her love; her only relief for the guilt. After everything she had lost, this was all she had left." You wrote an excellent vignette that caught my interest and held it and kept it also from being overdone and "mawkish."

secondary editt.

[adokowa]

Hi, I'myour secondary editor for this week. I adore this piece, and your writing style, but I feel that you really need to go over your work with a spell-checker before you submit it. There were a lot of simple errors that detracted from my enjoyment of what really is an excellent piece.

I'm not sure if this is all of them, but here are the ones that I caught:

stealth = stealthy

He would have been smart to stay on that side...... = You switch tenses within this sentence.

Ciggarettes = cigarettes

quater = quarter

room,pushing = room, pushing

Pachebels Cannon = Pachabel's Canon (in D Major, if we're being really specific). Also, it is nice to ilaticize the titles of compositions.

reliefe, = relief

days tasks = day's tasks

immediatly = immediately

acusatory = accusatory

isnt = isn't

actualy = actually

Lucianos = Luciano's

asshole,hit = asshole, hit