Shadows Of Self-August Week 1 for brigits_flame

[badgurl_gone_gd]

                                                                               I am a worm before I am a man
                                                                               I was a creature before I could stand
                                                                               I will remember, before I forget- Slipknot,

Comments

[ashen_roshana]

Hey, I'm you're secondary editor for your Shadows entry! I've commented on your grammar and your overall writing below, with suggested changes in bold for the grammar. Hope you find this helpful!

Grammar

- Slipknot, "Before I Forget"
- I listen to my neighbor babble on and on and on . . . about his boyfriend... (you have a few too many "and on"s, so I would suggest cutting the last one for rhythm's sake)
- ...that I'm getting ready to go lie down for a bit, but he has yet to take the hint. ("lie" for people, "lay" for objects; the comma helps with rhythm)
- I firmly suppress the urge to tell him he's an idiot...
- I calmly remind myself that grabbing her by her hair, yanking her out the door, and telling her she's an inconsiderate bitch (no comma needed) are not appropriate actions.
- She pulls up and looks at me as though I'm some servant droid whose sole purpose is to serve her... ("whose" is the possessive; "who's" is the contraction for "who is")
- ...to prevent myself from taking a pot of scalding hot coffee and dumping it

[badgurl_gone_gd]

Thanks for the feedback! I really wanted to put more into this but I was short on time.Totaly agree.Thanks again