one man's flirt is another man's rape: two definitions for the same shape
dear diary,
must. keep. update. short...
i start all my classes tomorrow, so i'm really not allowed to be on here (but i'm not the boss of me, so there!).
um... a few things. i've been keeping a lot to myself lately. and, yes, it's as hard as i remember it being. i used to do this all the time. i used to bottle everything up. i hated it. it made me miserable. and yet, here i am. i just... can't talk to the people i want to talk to about things. sometimes i won't. i'm trying to keep my chin up for the benefit of those i care about. (storge, n. companionate love; a love without fever, tumult, or folly; a peaceful, enchanting affection characterized by complete mutual acceptance, trust, respect, and understanding; the love of a true friend.) i'm trying to be strong. (eros, n. the love of beauty, even if it is in the eye of the beholder; a love of the tactile, the sensual, the immediate; a fascination with every detail of the beloved; a bright, intense, passionate love, however short-lived.) i'm trying to be saintlike. (agape, n. love that is chaste, patient, selfless, and undemanding; it does not expect to be reciprocated; it emphasizes nurturing and caring as their own rewards. it is the love of monastics, martyrs, and saints more than that of worldly lovers.) like all things having to do with me, it is immensely complicated. and i am failing miserably. and i won't talk about it.
right now, at this very moment, i am scared, worried, sad, angry, jealous, guilty, disgusted, hopeless, depressed, hurt, irritated, stressed out, tired, and in pain. in no particular order. i am also very deeply and completely in love. not in the way you may think. and not necessarily with whom you may think. in a very important way, this love i have is more for an abstract ideal than for a person, though there are people i love as well, some as friends and others are something more complicated than that. but i can't talk about any of it. i can't even write about it in here. time constraints aside, i can't (or won't) burden others with this. i have been asked not to, both verbally and non-verbally. and i am nothing if not obliging.
what prompted this entry was a feeling i had that sincerely makes me doubt my sainthood (which, up until this point, i was certain had been assured, stigmata and all). all jokes about me being a shitty person (and all evidence that this may in fact be the case) aside, i felt jealous today. irrationally jealous, angry, hurt, and bitter. and it was stupid. i eventually talked myself out of it. but i had the feelings nonetheless. i can't pretend i didn't. it was for the worst possible reasons a human being could imagine. just... the whole situation makes me feel guilty that i'm even breathing right now. why doesn't god really strike people down with lighting when they fail at the one thing we are sent here to do (i.e. be a human being, emphasis on the word human and all of its positive connotations)? my mind works in terrible, terrible ways at times. and i am not proud.
and speaking of being a shitty person, here's another thing: my secret. not only do i have terrible judgment, not only do i make horrible mistakes that will end up hurting others and myself, i don't even make them for the right reasons. there is nothing noble about me, no matter how much i try to pretend. the word use comes to mind. (v.t. to put into service, employ; to consume or expend; to treat or behave toward; to take unfair advantage of; to consume habitually; to habituate, accustom. n. the act of using or state of being used; a way of using; the purpose for which something is being used; the power or right of using something; utility, usefulness; any occasion or need to use.) i'm downright hypocritical when you think about it. all this talk of love and ideals and respect and human beings means nothing at the end of the day. i mean nothing. my beliefs are hollow. don't ever let me win a debate. ever. it doesn't matter how well i phrase things. i don't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. why should you?
so, ultimately, i'm just this sad, desperate girl with a little too much ego but not enough self-respect, a little too much meat on her bones but not enough substance, a little too much of a critical eye but not enough self-awareness, a little too much knowledge but not enough intelligence and understanding, and a little too much feeling but not enough conviction, looking in all the wrong places for things she will never find. and this, if for no other reason, is why my jealousy is unfounded. i have no right to be jealous. you are right to care more for them. it is no wonder that others will always mean more because i don't mean a thing.
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: the lights are off again. she took me by surprise. she's so sensitive, and shit just happens sometimes. she's my everything. she's my best friend and more. we don't do anything we didn't do the day... before you go, you oughta know that i didn't mean to hurt you. i just wanted you to know. black tears are falling down her face, and i am wrong. black tears are falling, and she won't say what i've done. she's sitting here beside me, and she is gone. black tears are falling, falling. remember long ago, together laughing, loving. oh, so long ago when we were buying something. life was simple then, but she's not happy now, and i don't feel anything. her lips are moving. i am mesmerized by tiny lines. i'm watching as the shapes are drawing slowly from her eyes. black tears are falling down her face, and i am wrong. black tears are falling, and she won't say what i've done. she's sitting here beside me, and she is gone. black tears are falling, falling. black tears are falling, falling. losing lisa, losing lisa, losing lisa, and there's nothing i can do. (ben folds- losing lisa)
i've been waiting all night long. i've been waiting to sing your song. tonight, you help me, just help me find your key. i run my hands down your neck, across your back to another fret. i know you're fragile. you're bound to self destruct. i can see right through your skin. your bones are hollow. they're paper thin. tonight, you're weightless. i know the way you feel. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. our love is a lot like yours. it's been crippled by the wars we wage. we're hopeless. we're on the losing side. we never speak when we're making love. you never mean it when you come to me with your arms stretched, defenseless, alone. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. i taste you on my fingers, and i smell you on my lips. i don't know where you're going, but you're going to slip. hey, honey, better save yourself. you're never gonna make it. hey, honey, honey, better save yourself. you're never gonna make it. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. (beulah- a man like me)
now baby says i'm tearing her down, shoulder to shoulder, i hold her too lightly. and baby says, "baby, your kiss don't do anything." oh, sweetness, all i need is a brand new heart. it's old, and it's cold, and it's no longer golden. and baby says, "baby, you're right, but that's no excuse." and my baby says, "it's a lie, it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know why. you won't try cause you're scared, and you're weak, and you don't give a fuck about me. and i do believe that you hate yourself. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think." and baby says, "this house was a home. it's worn, and it's torn, and it holds only your ghost." and baby says, "baby, you're cursed. oh, why can't you see?" oh, sweetness, all i need is a brand new head, clear without fears, and it knows only your name. and baby says, "baby, you're right, but you never win." and my baby says, "it's a lie, it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know why. you won't try cause you're scared, and you're weak, and you don't give a fuck about me. and i do believe that you hate yourself. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think." and she says, "it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know (i know you know, i know you know)." (beulah- landslide baby)
a wallflower punch talks to judy in a crowded corner where anybody can listen in, but they don't read page to page or speak easy. now they're gonna go say the words in the wrong order again. they walk in a circle through all the sidewalk scenes they used to be a part of one time. now everybody just stares and whispers. driving around up and down division street, i used to like it here. it just bums me out to remember. can't you ever treat anyone nice? i think i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. they draw the curtain, wait for a call. pretty lucky if they get any kind of response at all. can't you ever treat anyone nice? i think i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. (elliott smith- punch and judy)
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after. we broke up a month ago, and i grew up. i didn't know i'd be around the morning after. it's always been wait and see. a happy day, and then you pay and feel like shit the morning after. but now i feel changed around, and, instead of falling down, i'm standing up the morning after. situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later, and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule. you tell me the morning after. crooked spin, can't come to rest. i'm damaged bad at best. she'll decide what she wants. i'll probably be the last to know. no one says until it shows, and you see how it is. they want you, or they don't. say yes. i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after. (elliott smith- say yes)
got bitten fingernails and a head full of the past, and everybody's gone at last. a sweet, sweet smile that's fading fast cause everybody's gone at last. and you don't get upset about it, no, not anymore. there's nothing wrong that wasn't wrong before. had a second alone with a chance let pass, and everybody's gone at last. well, i hope you're not waiting, waiting around for me because i'm not going anywhere, obviously. got a broken heart and your name on my cast, and everybody's gone at last. everybody's gone at last. (elliott smith- no name no. 5)
must. keep. update. short...
i start all my classes tomorrow, so i'm really not allowed to be on here (but i'm not the boss of me, so there!).
um... a few things. i've been keeping a lot to myself lately. and, yes, it's as hard as i remember it being. i used to do this all the time. i used to bottle everything up. i hated it. it made me miserable. and yet, here i am. i just... can't talk to the people i want to talk to about things. sometimes i won't. i'm trying to keep my chin up for the benefit of those i care about. (storge, n. companionate love; a love without fever, tumult, or folly; a peaceful, enchanting affection characterized by complete mutual acceptance, trust, respect, and understanding; the love of a true friend.) i'm trying to be strong. (eros, n. the love of beauty, even if it is in the eye of the beholder; a love of the tactile, the sensual, the immediate; a fascination with every detail of the beloved; a bright, intense, passionate love, however short-lived.) i'm trying to be saintlike. (agape, n. love that is chaste, patient, selfless, and undemanding; it does not expect to be reciprocated; it emphasizes nurturing and caring as their own rewards. it is the love of monastics, martyrs, and saints more than that of worldly lovers.) like all things having to do with me, it is immensely complicated. and i am failing miserably. and i won't talk about it.
right now, at this very moment, i am scared, worried, sad, angry, jealous, guilty, disgusted, hopeless, depressed, hurt, irritated, stressed out, tired, and in pain. in no particular order. i am also very deeply and completely in love. not in the way you may think. and not necessarily with whom you may think. in a very important way, this love i have is more for an abstract ideal than for a person, though there are people i love as well, some as friends and others are something more complicated than that. but i can't talk about any of it. i can't even write about it in here. time constraints aside, i can't (or won't) burden others with this. i have been asked not to, both verbally and non-verbally. and i am nothing if not obliging.
what prompted this entry was a feeling i had that sincerely makes me doubt my sainthood (which, up until this point, i was certain had been assured, stigmata and all). all jokes about me being a shitty person (and all evidence that this may in fact be the case) aside, i felt jealous today. irrationally jealous, angry, hurt, and bitter. and it was stupid. i eventually talked myself out of it. but i had the feelings nonetheless. i can't pretend i didn't. it was for the worst possible reasons a human being could imagine. just... the whole situation makes me feel guilty that i'm even breathing right now. why doesn't god really strike people down with lighting when they fail at the one thing we are sent here to do (i.e. be a human being, emphasis on the word human and all of its positive connotations)? my mind works in terrible, terrible ways at times. and i am not proud.
and speaking of being a shitty person, here's another thing: my secret. not only do i have terrible judgment, not only do i make horrible mistakes that will end up hurting others and myself, i don't even make them for the right reasons. there is nothing noble about me, no matter how much i try to pretend. the word use comes to mind. (v.t. to put into service, employ; to consume or expend; to treat or behave toward; to take unfair advantage of; to consume habitually; to habituate, accustom. n. the act of using or state of being used; a way of using; the purpose for which something is being used; the power or right of using something; utility, usefulness; any occasion or need to use.) i'm downright hypocritical when you think about it. all this talk of love and ideals and respect and human beings means nothing at the end of the day. i mean nothing. my beliefs are hollow. don't ever let me win a debate. ever. it doesn't matter how well i phrase things. i don't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. why should you?
so, ultimately, i'm just this sad, desperate girl with a little too much ego but not enough self-respect, a little too much meat on her bones but not enough substance, a little too much of a critical eye but not enough self-awareness, a little too much knowledge but not enough intelligence and understanding, and a little too much feeling but not enough conviction, looking in all the wrong places for things she will never find. and this, if for no other reason, is why my jealousy is unfounded. i have no right to be jealous. you are right to care more for them. it is no wonder that others will always mean more because i don't mean a thing.
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: the lights are off again. she took me by surprise. she's so sensitive, and shit just happens sometimes. she's my everything. she's my best friend and more. we don't do anything we didn't do the day... before you go, you oughta know that i didn't mean to hurt you. i just wanted you to know. black tears are falling down her face, and i am wrong. black tears are falling, and she won't say what i've done. she's sitting here beside me, and she is gone. black tears are falling, falling. remember long ago, together laughing, loving. oh, so long ago when we were buying something. life was simple then, but she's not happy now, and i don't feel anything. her lips are moving. i am mesmerized by tiny lines. i'm watching as the shapes are drawing slowly from her eyes. black tears are falling down her face, and i am wrong. black tears are falling, and she won't say what i've done. she's sitting here beside me, and she is gone. black tears are falling, falling. black tears are falling, falling. losing lisa, losing lisa, losing lisa, and there's nothing i can do. (ben folds- losing lisa)
i've been waiting all night long. i've been waiting to sing your song. tonight, you help me, just help me find your key. i run my hands down your neck, across your back to another fret. i know you're fragile. you're bound to self destruct. i can see right through your skin. your bones are hollow. they're paper thin. tonight, you're weightless. i know the way you feel. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. our love is a lot like yours. it's been crippled by the wars we wage. we're hopeless. we're on the losing side. we never speak when we're making love. you never mean it when you come to me with your arms stretched, defenseless, alone. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. i taste you on my fingers, and i smell you on my lips. i don't know where you're going, but you're going to slip. hey, honey, better save yourself. you're never gonna make it. hey, honey, honey, better save yourself. you're never gonna make it. so try, try lifting all your weight for a man, a man you're grown. and try, try wasting all your days on a man, a man like me. (beulah- a man like me)
now baby says i'm tearing her down, shoulder to shoulder, i hold her too lightly. and baby says, "baby, your kiss don't do anything." oh, sweetness, all i need is a brand new heart. it's old, and it's cold, and it's no longer golden. and baby says, "baby, you're right, but that's no excuse." and my baby says, "it's a lie, it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know why. you won't try cause you're scared, and you're weak, and you don't give a fuck about me. and i do believe that you hate yourself. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think." and baby says, "this house was a home. it's worn, and it's torn, and it holds only your ghost." and baby says, "baby, you're cursed. oh, why can't you see?" oh, sweetness, all i need is a brand new head, clear without fears, and it knows only your name. and baby says, "baby, you're right, but you never win." and my baby says, "it's a lie, it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know why. you won't try cause you're scared, and you're weak, and you don't give a fuck about me. and i do believe that you hate yourself. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think. and i knew you'd never stay forever, holding it together, making songs for me. and all right, forever's on your side. oh, it's only time. it's longer than you think." and she says, "it's a cop-out, and i know you know i know (i know you know, i know you know)." (beulah- landslide baby)
a wallflower punch talks to judy in a crowded corner where anybody can listen in, but they don't read page to page or speak easy. now they're gonna go say the words in the wrong order again. they walk in a circle through all the sidewalk scenes they used to be a part of one time. now everybody just stares and whispers. driving around up and down division street, i used to like it here. it just bums me out to remember. can't you ever treat anyone nice? i think i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. they draw the curtain, wait for a call. pretty lucky if they get any kind of response at all. can't you ever treat anyone nice? i think i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. i'm gonna make the same mistake twice. (elliott smith- punch and judy)
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after. we broke up a month ago, and i grew up. i didn't know i'd be around the morning after. it's always been wait and see. a happy day, and then you pay and feel like shit the morning after. but now i feel changed around, and, instead of falling down, i'm standing up the morning after. situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later, and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule. you tell me the morning after. crooked spin, can't come to rest. i'm damaged bad at best. she'll decide what she wants. i'll probably be the last to know. no one says until it shows, and you see how it is. they want you, or they don't. say yes. i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after. (elliott smith- say yes)
got bitten fingernails and a head full of the past, and everybody's gone at last. a sweet, sweet smile that's fading fast cause everybody's gone at last. and you don't get upset about it, no, not anymore. there's nothing wrong that wasn't wrong before. had a second alone with a chance let pass, and everybody's gone at last. well, i hope you're not waiting, waiting around for me because i'm not going anywhere, obviously. got a broken heart and your name on my cast, and everybody's gone at last. everybody's gone at last. (elliott smith- no name no. 5)