somewhere there's a box full of replacement parts to the tenderness we've broken or let rust away.
dear diary,
i always have so much silly nonsense i want to write in here, and i restrain myself for various reasons, but i'm finding that, if i don't write about the silly nonsense, i don't write at all. so guess what? i'm taking you to camelot!
my life in the second and third weeks of december:
i am become popular! i've made some new friends (like, people seem to have a genuine interest in getting to know me more. and they've stuck around, thus far anyway, which is... different...), thrown a party (an awesomely successful party, i might add. now everyone wants to hang out, even people i wasn't expecting to, and that's great. these are some of the people i've been trying to be friends with of my own accord- i.e. without hanging on ken's arm- for months now. and they're finally starting to want to be friends with me too. yeah for me! the turtle wins again!), been to several really good shows and parties and more parties because i'm on break, and it's the holiday season, and, god only knows, you have to drink to drown out the sounds of christmas music everywhere you go. (side note: my roommate called me the enemy of christmas. i just laughed and laughed and laughed...) i've been having a lot of fun. i feel ok, for the most part. ok in a lot of ways, and not just because i've only had one hangover. (i actually haven't been drinking that much considering all the opportunities i've had. which is good. cause drinking is bad. hahahahahahahahaha.... ok, i'm done.) but what i mean is that i've only cried once, and that was because of memories, not something new that happened, and it was brief and cathartic, and i'm ok with it. and that's kinda good for me. i hope things continue this way). and in addition to all this wonderful social stuff that's happening, i may be getting a new job after the holidays. the owner of the always rad tower is interested in hiring me as a bartender. this would be a great thing because a) it's very close to my house, b) i will be learning a skill that will almost double my earning potential in the short term, c) i will be able to tell mimi's to shove it, and d) it's the motherfucking tower. i don't care if sometimes scary bikers and rockasillies hang out there. it's awesome. so maybe, if i play my cards right, next year will be a good year. :)
in other news, i just discovered that i made someone fall for me. rather, i had nothing to do with it, i should say, other than the fact that i went about the business of being myself, and he arrived at that destination of his own accord. it's been a while, a long while, since this has happened. i guess it's comforting to know that it's still possible.
the timing is bad. as usual. so i'm put in the position of, once again, making difficult decisions that i am almost guaranteed to fuck up. and i will get hurt. and i will hurt other people. so i guess all is right with the world, in the sense that it's business as usual. :/
but just for that one shining moment, it was nice... really, really nice... to have a boy pull me aside (literally) and tell me how he felt about me. and i know he was scared. i was scared too. but it's been a long time since someone was that honest with me when they had that much at stake. he had no idea how i felt, but he had the courage/ guts/ balls to come right out and say, "i like you. and i want to see where this goes." and his courage made me a little less afraid myself.
and then he kissed me. and i felt young again. i felt like i could believe in this sort of thing again. for that one moment, the past didn't matter. the hurt didn't matter. all that mattered was his arm around my waist, that look in his eyes, and the smile on his face when i told him, "i like you too."
so now we're nervous and bashful. and we talk a lot. and laugh more. and i guess we'll just have to see.
we'll have to see.
that's all that can be said for now without getting into the few bad things that have happened (or the unfounded speculation about good things that may potentially happen but may also not happen at all), so i will leave you now. maybe i'll be back soon. maybe i'll have something nice to say. if not, i'll do what my mother always tried to teach me: i won't say anything at all.
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: they're tearing up streets again. they're building a new hotel. the mayor's out killing kids to keep taxes down, and me and my anger sit folding a paper bird, letting the curtains turn to beating wings. wish i had a socket-set to dismantle this morning and just one pair of clean socks and a photo of you. when you get off work tonight, meet me at the construction site, and we'll write some notes to tape to the heavy machines, like "we hope they treat you well. hope you don't work too hard. we hope you get to be happy sometimes." bring your swiss-army knife and a bottle of something, and i'll bring some spray paint and a new deck of cards. hey, i found the safest place to keep all our tenderness, keep all our bad ideas, keep all our hope. it's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner-ear. it's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen. i'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing in a room near a truck stop on a highway somewhere. you are a radio. you are an open door. i am a faulty string of blue christmas lights. you swim through frequencies. you let that stranger in as i'm blinking off and on and off again. we've got a lot of time or maybe we don't, but i'd like to think so, so let me pretend. these are my favourite chords. i know you like them too. when i get a new guitar, you can have this one and sing me a lullaby, sing me the alphabet, sing me a story i haven't heard yet. (the weakerthans- my favourite chords)
it's difficult not to worry about what happens next. certain looks sort out confused looks, and certain looks sport confused looks. and i watched us talking in the mirror, and you put on that look that says, "this little star wishes she weren't single." it is the eye that catches me, a man protesting his worth. it is the year that catches you putting the shake on your words. you are alert as a tigress at a common table with her fate. you can almost taste it. we'll be gone be morning or be together by then. we'll be gone by morning or be together by then. and i believe every woman has made up her mind to win. (songs: ohia- tigress)
he held his breath to hold your hand to walk the stair steps in pairs, climbing up the slippery slope. i'm in love, love i hope. don't go home, angelina. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. kissed you quick, feeling weird. lonely lived and disappeared. this is such a simple place. passing time can't erase. don't go home, angelina. paint tomorrow blue. day breaks, and every morning when he wakes, he thinks of you. i'm alone. that's okay. i dont mind most of the time. i dont feel afraid to die. she was here passing by. don't go home, angelina. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. (elliott smith- in the lost and found)
i always have so much silly nonsense i want to write in here, and i restrain myself for various reasons, but i'm finding that, if i don't write about the silly nonsense, i don't write at all. so guess what? i'm taking you to camelot!
my life in the second and third weeks of december:
i am become popular! i've made some new friends (like, people seem to have a genuine interest in getting to know me more. and they've stuck around, thus far anyway, which is... different...), thrown a party (an awesomely successful party, i might add. now everyone wants to hang out, even people i wasn't expecting to, and that's great. these are some of the people i've been trying to be friends with of my own accord- i.e. without hanging on ken's arm- for months now. and they're finally starting to want to be friends with me too. yeah for me! the turtle wins again!), been to several really good shows and parties and more parties because i'm on break, and it's the holiday season, and, god only knows, you have to drink to drown out the sounds of christmas music everywhere you go. (side note: my roommate called me the enemy of christmas. i just laughed and laughed and laughed...) i've been having a lot of fun. i feel ok, for the most part. ok in a lot of ways, and not just because i've only had one hangover. (i actually haven't been drinking that much considering all the opportunities i've had. which is good. cause drinking is bad. hahahahahahahahaha.... ok, i'm done.) but what i mean is that i've only cried once, and that was because of memories, not something new that happened, and it was brief and cathartic, and i'm ok with it. and that's kinda good for me. i hope things continue this way). and in addition to all this wonderful social stuff that's happening, i may be getting a new job after the holidays. the owner of the always rad tower is interested in hiring me as a bartender. this would be a great thing because a) it's very close to my house, b) i will be learning a skill that will almost double my earning potential in the short term, c) i will be able to tell mimi's to shove it, and d) it's the motherfucking tower. i don't care if sometimes scary bikers and rockasillies hang out there. it's awesome. so maybe, if i play my cards right, next year will be a good year. :)
in other news, i just discovered that i made someone fall for me. rather, i had nothing to do with it, i should say, other than the fact that i went about the business of being myself, and he arrived at that destination of his own accord. it's been a while, a long while, since this has happened. i guess it's comforting to know that it's still possible.
the timing is bad. as usual. so i'm put in the position of, once again, making difficult decisions that i am almost guaranteed to fuck up. and i will get hurt. and i will hurt other people. so i guess all is right with the world, in the sense that it's business as usual. :/
but just for that one shining moment, it was nice... really, really nice... to have a boy pull me aside (literally) and tell me how he felt about me. and i know he was scared. i was scared too. but it's been a long time since someone was that honest with me when they had that much at stake. he had no idea how i felt, but he had the courage/ guts/ balls to come right out and say, "i like you. and i want to see where this goes." and his courage made me a little less afraid myself.
and then he kissed me. and i felt young again. i felt like i could believe in this sort of thing again. for that one moment, the past didn't matter. the hurt didn't matter. all that mattered was his arm around my waist, that look in his eyes, and the smile on his face when i told him, "i like you too."
so now we're nervous and bashful. and we talk a lot. and laugh more. and i guess we'll just have to see.
we'll have to see.
that's all that can be said for now without getting into the few bad things that have happened (or the unfounded speculation about good things that may potentially happen but may also not happen at all), so i will leave you now. maybe i'll be back soon. maybe i'll have something nice to say. if not, i'll do what my mother always tried to teach me: i won't say anything at all.
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: they're tearing up streets again. they're building a new hotel. the mayor's out killing kids to keep taxes down, and me and my anger sit folding a paper bird, letting the curtains turn to beating wings. wish i had a socket-set to dismantle this morning and just one pair of clean socks and a photo of you. when you get off work tonight, meet me at the construction site, and we'll write some notes to tape to the heavy machines, like "we hope they treat you well. hope you don't work too hard. we hope you get to be happy sometimes." bring your swiss-army knife and a bottle of something, and i'll bring some spray paint and a new deck of cards. hey, i found the safest place to keep all our tenderness, keep all our bad ideas, keep all our hope. it's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner-ear. it's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen. i'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing in a room near a truck stop on a highway somewhere. you are a radio. you are an open door. i am a faulty string of blue christmas lights. you swim through frequencies. you let that stranger in as i'm blinking off and on and off again. we've got a lot of time or maybe we don't, but i'd like to think so, so let me pretend. these are my favourite chords. i know you like them too. when i get a new guitar, you can have this one and sing me a lullaby, sing me the alphabet, sing me a story i haven't heard yet. (the weakerthans- my favourite chords)
it's difficult not to worry about what happens next. certain looks sort out confused looks, and certain looks sport confused looks. and i watched us talking in the mirror, and you put on that look that says, "this little star wishes she weren't single." it is the eye that catches me, a man protesting his worth. it is the year that catches you putting the shake on your words. you are alert as a tigress at a common table with her fate. you can almost taste it. we'll be gone be morning or be together by then. we'll be gone by morning or be together by then. and i believe every woman has made up her mind to win. (songs: ohia- tigress)
he held his breath to hold your hand to walk the stair steps in pairs, climbing up the slippery slope. i'm in love, love i hope. don't go home, angelina. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. kissed you quick, feeling weird. lonely lived and disappeared. this is such a simple place. passing time can't erase. don't go home, angelina. paint tomorrow blue. day breaks, and every morning when he wakes, he thinks of you. i'm alone. that's okay. i dont mind most of the time. i dont feel afraid to die. she was here passing by. don't go home, angelina. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found. (elliott smith- in the lost and found)