lately, i find myself out gazing at stars.
dear diary,
boys can't decide to stay gone.
they're with me, and they don't want to be with me anymore, so we're not together. ok, fine. shit happens. but then they decide they do want to be with me. and that's confusing cause i've already begun my process of moving on. blah.
if you want to be with me, be with me with your whole being. but if you don't want to or can't do that or if you don't know what the hell you want, learn to stay gone.
AND! don't be jealous if i date other people when you tell me i should. that's highly illogical.
(i felt like i should add this in here just in case for the benefit of my little friends who can get insecure at times. be assured. this is not about you. you have nothing to worry about. if you have questions or concerns, we can talk whenever you'd like. and, as bridget jones always says, "it's just a diary.")
also, tangentially related, i have a crush on everyone! i used that song for my last update cause it's true. i've been doing pretty well (mentally/ emotionally speaking... physically? we're getting there...), and i develop crushes easily when my life feels a little sunnier. (the trick is learning the difference between a crush and someone i actually want to try to have a relationship with.) so right now there are several people i'm "in crush" with. some of them even have crushes on me too! call me silly, but it's nice. exhausting, but nice. (i say exhausting because one must juggle one's time fairly amongst all one's crushes or they begin to feel neglected. and i'm a busy girl as it is. add all these social engagements, and things get really complicated! i have to consciously remind myself to schedule some erin time into my week as well, or i get burned out. thus far, i've been using fridays as "relax and do something special for me" days. it works swimmingly when it comes to keeping my peace of mind.) each of these boys has something slightly different to offer, and i feel like a kid in a candy store! i'm having a lot of fun looking around at all the candy (and tasting some of it- oh my!- not perhaps in the way you might think though), but i'd be hard pressed to choose just one piece at the moment. instead, i'm going to take things slowly and really try to make up my mind after i've gotten to know all of them a lot better. (it has been a favorite mistake of mine in the past to fall for someone too quickly. i'm trying to learn to make history less circular if not less true.) if i'm lucky, i'm gonna end up with a bunch of new friends. if i'm extra-specially-unspeakably-lucky, i might end up with someone i can share my life with for a while. but i won't hold my breath. (the only reason i don't gamble is that i always lose.)
i just noticed that i used a lot of exclamation points in that last paragraph. and i used them in a happy way. usually i just use them when i'm pissed off about something. could that be a testament to a new outlook on life?
one more thing. do you ever find yourself hoping against hope? sometimes, i want to believe the universe has a way of working everything out. sometimes i think that karma is real, that if we live our lives the best way we can and treat others (and ourselves) well, things will somehow be ok for us, and, maybe, we'll get what we want every once in a while (if it's good for us and all). but then i wake up and look around me and know that isn't true. it doesn't stop me from hoping though. or maybe it is true and i just have wanted things in the past that aren't good for me. (you could also argue, if you wanted to get technical, that i don't always treat myself as well as i should. but i'm trying to get better about that. as we speak.) ah, well. i suppose that's the thing with desire. until you conquer it, you'll never really get what you want. it's sort of a self-perpetuating thing. the more you want, the more there is that you'll never obtain. and the tighter you hold on to what you have in your grasp already, the more it slips through your fingers. i can't even say, "well, if i'm really zen about everything and i conquer my desire and achieve some sort of self-knowledge/ fulfillment, will i get what i want then?" cause that only betrays exactly how far i am from that enlightenment. man. nobody's ever gonna want to rub my tummy for good luck now.
anyway, i'm tired, and this is all nonsense anyway, AND none of you read it. so i'm going. but that's my story, and i'm sticking to it. !
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: (i think this song might actually be about cheating, but i'm using it here to indicate jealousy and desire in a more general sense. stop judging me!) oh, my baby, baby, i love you more than i can tell. i don't think i can live without you, and i know that i never will. oh, my baby, baby, i want you so. it scares me to death. i can't say anymore than "i love you." everything else is a waste of breath. i want you. you've had your fun. you don't get well no more. i want you. your fingernails go dragging down the wall. be careful darling you might fall. i want you. i woke up and one of us was crying. i want you. you said, "young man, i do believe you're dying." i want you. if you need a second opinion, as you seem to do these days (i want you.), you can look in my eyes, and you can count the ways. i want you. did you mean to tell me but seem to forget? i want you. since when were you so generous and inarticulate? i want you. it's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for. it's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for. it's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing. i want you. it's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing. i want you. he tossed some tattered compliment your way. i want you. and you were fool enough to love it when he said, "i want you." i want you. the truth can't hurt you. it's just like the dark. it scares you witless, but, in time, you see things clear and stark. i want you. go on and hurt me, then we'll let it drop. i want you. i'm afraid i won't know where to stop. i want you. i'm not ashamed to say i cried for you. i want you. i want to know the things you did that we do too. i want you. i want to hear he pleases you more than i do. i want you. i might as well be useless for all it means to you. i want you. did you call his name out as he held you down? i want you. oh, no, my darling, not with that clown. i want you. you've had your fun. you don't get well no more. i want you. no one who wants you could want you more. i want you. every night when i go off to bed and when i wake up, i want you. i want you. i'm going to say it again 'til i instill it. i know i'm going to feel this way until you kill it. i want you. i want you. (elvis costello- i want you)
lately, i find myself out gazing at stars, hearing guitars, like someone in love. sometimes the things i do astound me, mostly whenever you're around me. lately, i seem to walk as though i have wings and to sing like someone in love. each time i look at you, i'm light as a cloud and feeling like someone in love. sometimes the things i do astound me, mostly whenever you're around me. lately, i seem to walk as though i have wings, run into things, like someone in love. each time i look at you, i'm light as a cloud and feeling like someone in love, like someone in love, like someone in love. (bjork- like someone in love)
boys can't decide to stay gone.
they're with me, and they don't want to be with me anymore, so we're not together. ok, fine. shit happens. but then they decide they do want to be with me. and that's confusing cause i've already begun my process of moving on. blah.
if you want to be with me, be with me with your whole being. but if you don't want to or can't do that or if you don't know what the hell you want, learn to stay gone.
AND! don't be jealous if i date other people when you tell me i should. that's highly illogical.
(i felt like i should add this in here just in case for the benefit of my little friends who can get insecure at times. be assured. this is not about you. you have nothing to worry about. if you have questions or concerns, we can talk whenever you'd like. and, as bridget jones always says, "it's just a diary.")
also, tangentially related, i have a crush on everyone! i used that song for my last update cause it's true. i've been doing pretty well (mentally/ emotionally speaking... physically? we're getting there...), and i develop crushes easily when my life feels a little sunnier. (the trick is learning the difference between a crush and someone i actually want to try to have a relationship with.) so right now there are several people i'm "in crush" with. some of them even have crushes on me too! call me silly, but it's nice. exhausting, but nice. (i say exhausting because one must juggle one's time fairly amongst all one's crushes or they begin to feel neglected. and i'm a busy girl as it is. add all these social engagements, and things get really complicated! i have to consciously remind myself to schedule some erin time into my week as well, or i get burned out. thus far, i've been using fridays as "relax and do something special for me" days. it works swimmingly when it comes to keeping my peace of mind.) each of these boys has something slightly different to offer, and i feel like a kid in a candy store! i'm having a lot of fun looking around at all the candy (and tasting some of it- oh my!- not perhaps in the way you might think though), but i'd be hard pressed to choose just one piece at the moment. instead, i'm going to take things slowly and really try to make up my mind after i've gotten to know all of them a lot better. (it has been a favorite mistake of mine in the past to fall for someone too quickly. i'm trying to learn to make history less circular if not less true.) if i'm lucky, i'm gonna end up with a bunch of new friends. if i'm extra-specially-unspeakably-lucky, i might end up with someone i can share my life with for a while. but i won't hold my breath. (the only reason i don't gamble is that i always lose.)
i just noticed that i used a lot of exclamation points in that last paragraph. and i used them in a happy way. usually i just use them when i'm pissed off about something. could that be a testament to a new outlook on life?
one more thing. do you ever find yourself hoping against hope? sometimes, i want to believe the universe has a way of working everything out. sometimes i think that karma is real, that if we live our lives the best way we can and treat others (and ourselves) well, things will somehow be ok for us, and, maybe, we'll get what we want every once in a while (if it's good for us and all). but then i wake up and look around me and know that isn't true. it doesn't stop me from hoping though. or maybe it is true and i just have wanted things in the past that aren't good for me. (you could also argue, if you wanted to get technical, that i don't always treat myself as well as i should. but i'm trying to get better about that. as we speak.) ah, well. i suppose that's the thing with desire. until you conquer it, you'll never really get what you want. it's sort of a self-perpetuating thing. the more you want, the more there is that you'll never obtain. and the tighter you hold on to what you have in your grasp already, the more it slips through your fingers. i can't even say, "well, if i'm really zen about everything and i conquer my desire and achieve some sort of self-knowledge/ fulfillment, will i get what i want then?" cause that only betrays exactly how far i am from that enlightenment. man. nobody's ever gonna want to rub my tummy for good luck now.
anyway, i'm tired, and this is all nonsense anyway, AND none of you read it. so i'm going. but that's my story, and i'm sticking to it. !
love and other perishables,
erin
daily reading of the lyrical gospel: (i think this song might actually be about cheating, but i'm using it here to indicate jealousy and desire in a more general sense. stop judging me!) oh, my baby, baby, i love you more than i can tell. i don't think i can live without you, and i know that i never will. oh, my baby, baby, i want you so. it scares me to death. i can't say anymore than "i love you." everything else is a waste of breath. i want you. you've had your fun. you don't get well no more. i want you. your fingernails go dragging down the wall. be careful darling you might fall. i want you. i woke up and one of us was crying. i want you. you said, "young man, i do believe you're dying." i want you. if you need a second opinion, as you seem to do these days (i want you.), you can look in my eyes, and you can count the ways. i want you. did you mean to tell me but seem to forget? i want you. since when were you so generous and inarticulate? i want you. it's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for. it's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for. it's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing. i want you. it's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing. i want you. he tossed some tattered compliment your way. i want you. and you were fool enough to love it when he said, "i want you." i want you. the truth can't hurt you. it's just like the dark. it scares you witless, but, in time, you see things clear and stark. i want you. go on and hurt me, then we'll let it drop. i want you. i'm afraid i won't know where to stop. i want you. i'm not ashamed to say i cried for you. i want you. i want to know the things you did that we do too. i want you. i want to hear he pleases you more than i do. i want you. i might as well be useless for all it means to you. i want you. did you call his name out as he held you down? i want you. oh, no, my darling, not with that clown. i want you. you've had your fun. you don't get well no more. i want you. no one who wants you could want you more. i want you. every night when i go off to bed and when i wake up, i want you. i want you. i'm going to say it again 'til i instill it. i know i'm going to feel this way until you kill it. i want you. i want you. (elvis costello- i want you)
lately, i find myself out gazing at stars, hearing guitars, like someone in love. sometimes the things i do astound me, mostly whenever you're around me. lately, i seem to walk as though i have wings and to sing like someone in love. each time i look at you, i'm light as a cloud and feeling like someone in love. sometimes the things i do astound me, mostly whenever you're around me. lately, i seem to walk as though i have wings, run into things, like someone in love. each time i look at you, i'm light as a cloud and feeling like someone in love, like someone in love, like someone in love. (bjork- like someone in love)