lest you think i'm wallowing
dear diary,
things happen. sad things. but i look at my life, and it has so many good things in it. i have a family who loves me and supports me more than i can express. i have friends who would do anything for me. i have someone wonderful and loving who understands me and wants to be with me. i'm doing well in school. i'm doing well at work. i'm probably getting a new pupil soon at read/ san diego, and i love that. i get so much out of that. i live in an amazing city. and there's so much more. there's so much that i have and that will be offered to me in the future. and i look at that, and i know that everything's going to be ok. more than that, everything is going to be good.
last year, i spent a lot of time crying and feeling badly about myself. it didn't make me any happier. i've learned a lot from that. this is a new year. i do things differently now. the past few months, i've been doing really well. i've made a lot of changes in my behavior and in the way i think about things. it's working. it's paying off now. because not too long ago, a week like this week would have killed me emotionally. but today, i'm doing great. and it's real. it's not just pretend. i can smile and laugh and really mean it.
for a second, i thought that i had done a lot of hard work, and it hadn't meant anything. it had all been in vain. but i know in my heart now that that's not true. if i had been doing that work for someone else, then yes, it means nothing. because that person is gone now. but i wasn't doing it for that person. i was doing it for me. and look at me. all that stuff about being an adult and doing the right thing even if it's hard and taking care of myself and loving myself and putting myself first and even the stuff about treating people well and being kind and caring and giving of myself... i understand it now. better than i ever have. and god, it feels good. i never thought i'd hear myself saying i felt good after something like this happened. but it's true. i feel good. really good. there's just a feeling of light and energy coming from inside me. and i've had it for some time now, but i can really feel it today. and that's good because i need it now. that's what's reminding me that sad things are not the end of the world. the sad things happen, and we learn from them, and we move on. i know in my heart that i'm a good person and that i have a good life. and that's, apparently, all i ever needed. it's taken me almost twenty four years, but i've finally learned that.
so now i can say honestly and wholeheartedly when people ask me how i am that i'm happy, that things are good. and i can wish those who hurt me good luck and happiness. i don't think poorly of you. i love you, and i always will. you'll be fine. i believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. take all this love and goodness and light. it's yours if you need it, and i've got plenty to spare. and don't worry about me. i'm ok. and for once, i'm not just saying that.
love and other perishables,
erin
me and johnny sittin' in the green grass- i don't remember too much from that far back in the past, but man, oh man, was johnathan a laugh in those days. apparently, he was my very best friend. we spent warm summer days wishing they would never end, but i only know from photographs i look at every now and again. and j-j-johnny, ooh, ooh, all he left us was an apple tree, and ooh, where'd he go, and ooh, why'd he leave, and ooh, why do i grieve? now i don't ever see johnathan no more, but my life rolls on just like it did before, and i only wonder what it is that i even miss him for. me and timory holdin' hands. i was shakin' hers cause she said she was a fan. there was an awkward pause, and something that should've began just passed us by. but i watched her sing along with every word in the prettiest voice that i never heard, and i still see her dancing, wearin' my shirt right there. and t-t-timorous me- all timory left me was a memory, and ooh, i was blind, and ooh, now i find that i can't see. now me and jodi spend a lot of our time just sittin' in silence, driving late at night, and maybe even wonderin' what's on each other's mind this time. but i know she's like me, so i let it ride. she's dwelling in that quiet space left behind where only peace can answer why, and you abide. the birds must fly. (ted leo/ pharmacists- timorous me)
won't you take me where my feet feel wholly in their own time and the cathedral of reason lets the bells chime and the lighting is fine? i'm old enough to know that people waiting for some big sign should quit their waiting on the divine. divine is what's in your mind. i've seen the cruel and hard, and i've seen them hard on you, but i'll buy you brand new shoes if you cross to my side. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and if we're near or far from our city by the sea-side, well, as long as we keep our stride, i believe we'll be fine. from your house to my house to the mews, there's a whole lot of walking to do. bethnal green to the tube, there's a whole lot of walking to do. aoyama to shobuya, there's a whole lot of walking to do. rock creek park to the ave. and on past the zoo, there's a whole lot of walking to do. well, i'm here, and you're here, and it's true. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and i'm cool, and you're cool, and it's true. there's a whole lot of walking to do. there's no fuss, and i trust, i trust you. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and you're strong, and i can be too. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and you do, and i do. there's a whole lot of walking to do. (ted leo/ pharmacists- walking to do)
things happen. sad things. but i look at my life, and it has so many good things in it. i have a family who loves me and supports me more than i can express. i have friends who would do anything for me. i have someone wonderful and loving who understands me and wants to be with me. i'm doing well in school. i'm doing well at work. i'm probably getting a new pupil soon at read/ san diego, and i love that. i get so much out of that. i live in an amazing city. and there's so much more. there's so much that i have and that will be offered to me in the future. and i look at that, and i know that everything's going to be ok. more than that, everything is going to be good.
last year, i spent a lot of time crying and feeling badly about myself. it didn't make me any happier. i've learned a lot from that. this is a new year. i do things differently now. the past few months, i've been doing really well. i've made a lot of changes in my behavior and in the way i think about things. it's working. it's paying off now. because not too long ago, a week like this week would have killed me emotionally. but today, i'm doing great. and it's real. it's not just pretend. i can smile and laugh and really mean it.
for a second, i thought that i had done a lot of hard work, and it hadn't meant anything. it had all been in vain. but i know in my heart now that that's not true. if i had been doing that work for someone else, then yes, it means nothing. because that person is gone now. but i wasn't doing it for that person. i was doing it for me. and look at me. all that stuff about being an adult and doing the right thing even if it's hard and taking care of myself and loving myself and putting myself first and even the stuff about treating people well and being kind and caring and giving of myself... i understand it now. better than i ever have. and god, it feels good. i never thought i'd hear myself saying i felt good after something like this happened. but it's true. i feel good. really good. there's just a feeling of light and energy coming from inside me. and i've had it for some time now, but i can really feel it today. and that's good because i need it now. that's what's reminding me that sad things are not the end of the world. the sad things happen, and we learn from them, and we move on. i know in my heart that i'm a good person and that i have a good life. and that's, apparently, all i ever needed. it's taken me almost twenty four years, but i've finally learned that.
so now i can say honestly and wholeheartedly when people ask me how i am that i'm happy, that things are good. and i can wish those who hurt me good luck and happiness. i don't think poorly of you. i love you, and i always will. you'll be fine. i believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. take all this love and goodness and light. it's yours if you need it, and i've got plenty to spare. and don't worry about me. i'm ok. and for once, i'm not just saying that.
love and other perishables,
erin
me and johnny sittin' in the green grass- i don't remember too much from that far back in the past, but man, oh man, was johnathan a laugh in those days. apparently, he was my very best friend. we spent warm summer days wishing they would never end, but i only know from photographs i look at every now and again. and j-j-johnny, ooh, ooh, all he left us was an apple tree, and ooh, where'd he go, and ooh, why'd he leave, and ooh, why do i grieve? now i don't ever see johnathan no more, but my life rolls on just like it did before, and i only wonder what it is that i even miss him for. me and timory holdin' hands. i was shakin' hers cause she said she was a fan. there was an awkward pause, and something that should've began just passed us by. but i watched her sing along with every word in the prettiest voice that i never heard, and i still see her dancing, wearin' my shirt right there. and t-t-timorous me- all timory left me was a memory, and ooh, i was blind, and ooh, now i find that i can't see. now me and jodi spend a lot of our time just sittin' in silence, driving late at night, and maybe even wonderin' what's on each other's mind this time. but i know she's like me, so i let it ride. she's dwelling in that quiet space left behind where only peace can answer why, and you abide. the birds must fly. (ted leo/ pharmacists- timorous me)
won't you take me where my feet feel wholly in their own time and the cathedral of reason lets the bells chime and the lighting is fine? i'm old enough to know that people waiting for some big sign should quit their waiting on the divine. divine is what's in your mind. i've seen the cruel and hard, and i've seen them hard on you, but i'll buy you brand new shoes if you cross to my side. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and if we're near or far from our city by the sea-side, well, as long as we keep our stride, i believe we'll be fine. from your house to my house to the mews, there's a whole lot of walking to do. bethnal green to the tube, there's a whole lot of walking to do. aoyama to shobuya, there's a whole lot of walking to do. rock creek park to the ave. and on past the zoo, there's a whole lot of walking to do. well, i'm here, and you're here, and it's true. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and i'm cool, and you're cool, and it's true. there's a whole lot of walking to do. there's no fuss, and i trust, i trust you. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and you're strong, and i can be too. there's a whole lot of walking to do. and you do, and i do. there's a whole lot of walking to do. (ted leo/ pharmacists- walking to do)