Fic: Final Thoughts
Title: Final Thoughts
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Owen, mentions Katie, Gwen, Rhys, Diane, Ianto, Tosh.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1501
Spoilers: For Reset, Dead Man Walking, Out of Time, Captain Jack Harkness, Exit Wounds.
Summary: As Owen is facing death trapped in the Turnmill Nuclear Plant, he just has time for a few regrets.
Content Notes: Canon character death.
Written For: Challenge 403: Je Ne Regrette Rien "I Regret Nothing" at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
Owen had heard it said countless times that when you were about to die, your whole life would flash before your eyes. He’d never believed that himself, it sounded like a load of bunk, and his scepticism had been proven right when that bastard Aaron Copley shot him. Everything had happened so fast the only thought that had gone through his mind had been, ‘Oh shit, he shot me!’ and then he’d been dead. Game over.
Only then Jack idiot Harkness had brought him back with one of those sodding gloves because he’d wanted the code to the alien morgue, and Owen should have had two minutes tops, just enough time to hear a few teary and probably insincere goodbyes from his colleagues, which he could have done without, but the time had stretched on, and on, and on, and he wasn’t alive, but he wasn’t exactly dead either.
Well, technically he was. No pulse, no heartbeat, no respiration, but he still had brain activity, and he was still able to talk. He could even get up and walk around. Yeah, terrific. Doctor Owen Zombie Harper, at your service; the walking dead, unable to do any of the things that made life worth living. Hilarious, right?
Over the next few months, he’d found ways to cope with his new existence, because being the living dead was still marginally better than being the totally dead dead. It wasn’t much of a life, but it had been all he’d got, and now even that was about to be ripped away from him. It didn’t seem fair.
He didn’t blame Tosh though; she’d been doing her best, hadn’t meant for him to become trapped in a control room about to be flooded with irradiated coolant. It was just bad luck, a sudden power spike that she couldn’t possibly have anticipated, no matter how brilliant she was, and now here he was with no way out. Shit happened, and he’d always had lousy luck anyway. Besides, they were both Torchwood, which meant they’d both pretty much resigned themselves to having to sacrifice their own lives at some point for the greater good. If his number was up, then preventing a nuclear reactor meltdown was as good a way to go as any, and better than most. At least this time his death would count for something; he’d be saving lives, averting a catastrophe.
But now, knowing that final, irrevocable death was only minutes away, now his life was flashing before his eyes. Not all of it, and not even the best bits, mostly just the bits he wished he could do over, do better, or at least do differently.
Anyone who claimed not to have any regrets was either lying to themselves and everyone else, or a total sociopath, incapable of any kind of understanding or empathy. Owen knew himself to be a thoughtless wanker, a lazy, bad-tempered bastard with very few redeeming qualities. He was a damned good doctor, but that was about it. He made no apologies for the man he’d been in both life and walking death, but still…
Regrets? You bet.
Not over Katie, looking back he knew he’d done everything he could for her, and he still loved her even now, more than three years after her tragic death. But the way he’d treated certain other people… Safe to say he could’ve done better.
For one thing, he never should’ve started that stupid affair with Gwen. He’d only done it because he was sick of her shoving her happy relationship down everyone’s throats all the time, rubbing their noses in everything she had that they didn’t. And yeah, okay, she had a decent body, and she was convenient. He’d hoped to get her to fall for him, wreck her relationship with her bloke so he’d leave her, and then dump her himself, make her as miserable and loveless as he was, but it hadn’t happened. She’d probably never told Rhys she’d cheated on him, and hadn’t even seemed to notice when Owen himself had lost interest in her. But Rhys had turned out to be a halfway decent bloke, and Owen felt bad for shagging his girlfriend behind his back. He hadn’t deserved that.
Diane… No, he didn’t regret getting involved with her. He could’ve loved her, maybe they could’ve been happy together, but she wasn’t the kind of woman any man could tie down. She’d needed her freedom, and she’d left to seek her fortune. He hoped she’d survived going through the Rift a second time, hoped she was somewhere in the future having the time of her life, but any regrets he had over their brief fling were strictly for himself, the one left behind. Maybe he should’ve offered to go with her, but it was a bit late to think about that now.
Teaboy, Ianto… Could’ve been nicer to him, more understanding after his Cyber girlfriend went on the rampage and had to be executed. If anyone could’ve understood what the poor bastard had been going through, it was Owen. He was damned sure he’d have done the same if it had been Katie under all that metal; he’d have done everything in his power to save her, but he’d been harder on Ianto than anyone after he was allowed back to work.
Owen didn’t blame Ianto for shooting him when he’d been trying to open the Rift, he’d deserved it even though it had royally pissed him off at the time. They’d got along better after Jack swanned off with his Doctor though, even developed a sort of friendship, trading barbs and insults, playing practical jokes, scoring points off each other, but… Well, too late now; he’d never have a chance to apologise, or to say thanks for the way Ianto had been there for him after his first death, the only one who hadn’t treated him any differently.
Too late when it came to Tosh as well, and maybe that was his biggest regret. Owen had always known she had feelings for him, would’ve had to be blind not to notice, but he’d brushed it off as some sort of delayed adolescent crush. It was only after he’d died the first time that he’d understood she was sincere, and by then there’d been little he could offer her. What good was a dead man to a vibrantly alive woman like Tosh?
He'd wasted every chance he’d had with her, and now he was mentally kicking himself. She was beautiful, scarily brilliant, kind, caring, generous, and she loved him despite him being the last person who deserved it. She saw through all his self-hatred, all the walls he’d erected to keep the world at bay, and she forgave all his pettiness. He could’ve loved her, if he hadn’t been so stupid. Maybe they could’ve found happiness together, but now he was going to leave her for good, breaking her heart in the process, and it was so unfair. Not to him, because in a few minutes now he’d be gone beyond any kind of suffering, but to her, always so alone. All he could do now was tell her he was sorry, and for once really, honestly mean it. He’d never apologised to her for anything before. Now he’d never get another chance.
Then the machines started beeping, the screen read Coolant Venting, and it was the beginning of the end for him. As the connection to the Hub cut out, Owen realised he still hadn’t said it, still hadn’t told her how he felt.
“I love you, Tosh.” He had to say it, just in case. Maybe she could still hear him through the static. He hoped she could.
There was no pain as the coolant poured over him, he’d had no sensation in any part of his body for months, and he didn’t need to breathe, so even when he was completely submerged, he wasn’t suffering physically. Mentally was a different matter; it was disturbing to see what the radiation was doing to his body, so he shut his eyes until they were gone anyway, no longer capable of sight.
Regrets, I’ve had a few… He’d laugh if there was enough of him left to manage it. He regrets dying, both the first time and now, but the reason for this final death, saving all of Cardiff and more from a nuclear disaster… No, that he doesn’t regret at all. At the end of his life, he’s finally done something right, something he can be proud of.
‘Thank you, Tosh.’ Although he can no longer say the words aloud, he can still think them, just barely. ‘Couldn’t have done it without you.’
As a curious sense of peace envelops him, he lets go of all that he was, all that he will now never be, and he knows it’s okay.
He didn’t live the best life, but he made up for it in his last moments with a final act of selflessness.
It’s enough.
The End
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Owen, mentions Katie, Gwen, Rhys, Diane, Ianto, Tosh.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1501
Spoilers: For Reset, Dead Man Walking, Out of Time, Captain Jack Harkness, Exit Wounds.
Summary: As Owen is facing death trapped in the Turnmill Nuclear Plant, he just has time for a few regrets.
Content Notes: Canon character death.
Written For: Challenge 403: Je Ne Regrette Rien "I Regret Nothing" at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
Owen had heard it said countless times that when you were about to die, your whole life would flash before your eyes. He’d never believed that himself, it sounded like a load of bunk, and his scepticism had been proven right when that bastard Aaron Copley shot him. Everything had happened so fast the only thought that had gone through his mind had been, ‘Oh shit, he shot me!’ and then he’d been dead. Game over.
Only then Jack idiot Harkness had brought him back with one of those sodding gloves because he’d wanted the code to the alien morgue, and Owen should have had two minutes tops, just enough time to hear a few teary and probably insincere goodbyes from his colleagues, which he could have done without, but the time had stretched on, and on, and on, and he wasn’t alive, but he wasn’t exactly dead either.
Well, technically he was. No pulse, no heartbeat, no respiration, but he still had brain activity, and he was still able to talk. He could even get up and walk around. Yeah, terrific. Doctor Owen Zombie Harper, at your service; the walking dead, unable to do any of the things that made life worth living. Hilarious, right?
Over the next few months, he’d found ways to cope with his new existence, because being the living dead was still marginally better than being the totally dead dead. It wasn’t much of a life, but it had been all he’d got, and now even that was about to be ripped away from him. It didn’t seem fair.
He didn’t blame Tosh though; she’d been doing her best, hadn’t meant for him to become trapped in a control room about to be flooded with irradiated coolant. It was just bad luck, a sudden power spike that she couldn’t possibly have anticipated, no matter how brilliant she was, and now here he was with no way out. Shit happened, and he’d always had lousy luck anyway. Besides, they were both Torchwood, which meant they’d both pretty much resigned themselves to having to sacrifice their own lives at some point for the greater good. If his number was up, then preventing a nuclear reactor meltdown was as good a way to go as any, and better than most. At least this time his death would count for something; he’d be saving lives, averting a catastrophe.
But now, knowing that final, irrevocable death was only minutes away, now his life was flashing before his eyes. Not all of it, and not even the best bits, mostly just the bits he wished he could do over, do better, or at least do differently.
Anyone who claimed not to have any regrets was either lying to themselves and everyone else, or a total sociopath, incapable of any kind of understanding or empathy. Owen knew himself to be a thoughtless wanker, a lazy, bad-tempered bastard with very few redeeming qualities. He was a damned good doctor, but that was about it. He made no apologies for the man he’d been in both life and walking death, but still…
Regrets? You bet.
Not over Katie, looking back he knew he’d done everything he could for her, and he still loved her even now, more than three years after her tragic death. But the way he’d treated certain other people… Safe to say he could’ve done better.
For one thing, he never should’ve started that stupid affair with Gwen. He’d only done it because he was sick of her shoving her happy relationship down everyone’s throats all the time, rubbing their noses in everything she had that they didn’t. And yeah, okay, she had a decent body, and she was convenient. He’d hoped to get her to fall for him, wreck her relationship with her bloke so he’d leave her, and then dump her himself, make her as miserable and loveless as he was, but it hadn’t happened. She’d probably never told Rhys she’d cheated on him, and hadn’t even seemed to notice when Owen himself had lost interest in her. But Rhys had turned out to be a halfway decent bloke, and Owen felt bad for shagging his girlfriend behind his back. He hadn’t deserved that.
Diane… No, he didn’t regret getting involved with her. He could’ve loved her, maybe they could’ve been happy together, but she wasn’t the kind of woman any man could tie down. She’d needed her freedom, and she’d left to seek her fortune. He hoped she’d survived going through the Rift a second time, hoped she was somewhere in the future having the time of her life, but any regrets he had over their brief fling were strictly for himself, the one left behind. Maybe he should’ve offered to go with her, but it was a bit late to think about that now.
Teaboy, Ianto… Could’ve been nicer to him, more understanding after his Cyber girlfriend went on the rampage and had to be executed. If anyone could’ve understood what the poor bastard had been going through, it was Owen. He was damned sure he’d have done the same if it had been Katie under all that metal; he’d have done everything in his power to save her, but he’d been harder on Ianto than anyone after he was allowed back to work.
Owen didn’t blame Ianto for shooting him when he’d been trying to open the Rift, he’d deserved it even though it had royally pissed him off at the time. They’d got along better after Jack swanned off with his Doctor though, even developed a sort of friendship, trading barbs and insults, playing practical jokes, scoring points off each other, but… Well, too late now; he’d never have a chance to apologise, or to say thanks for the way Ianto had been there for him after his first death, the only one who hadn’t treated him any differently.
Too late when it came to Tosh as well, and maybe that was his biggest regret. Owen had always known she had feelings for him, would’ve had to be blind not to notice, but he’d brushed it off as some sort of delayed adolescent crush. It was only after he’d died the first time that he’d understood she was sincere, and by then there’d been little he could offer her. What good was a dead man to a vibrantly alive woman like Tosh?
He'd wasted every chance he’d had with her, and now he was mentally kicking himself. She was beautiful, scarily brilliant, kind, caring, generous, and she loved him despite him being the last person who deserved it. She saw through all his self-hatred, all the walls he’d erected to keep the world at bay, and she forgave all his pettiness. He could’ve loved her, if he hadn’t been so stupid. Maybe they could’ve found happiness together, but now he was going to leave her for good, breaking her heart in the process, and it was so unfair. Not to him, because in a few minutes now he’d be gone beyond any kind of suffering, but to her, always so alone. All he could do now was tell her he was sorry, and for once really, honestly mean it. He’d never apologised to her for anything before. Now he’d never get another chance.
Then the machines started beeping, the screen read Coolant Venting, and it was the beginning of the end for him. As the connection to the Hub cut out, Owen realised he still hadn’t said it, still hadn’t told her how he felt.
“I love you, Tosh.” He had to say it, just in case. Maybe she could still hear him through the static. He hoped she could.
There was no pain as the coolant poured over him, he’d had no sensation in any part of his body for months, and he didn’t need to breathe, so even when he was completely submerged, he wasn’t suffering physically. Mentally was a different matter; it was disturbing to see what the radiation was doing to his body, so he shut his eyes until they were gone anyway, no longer capable of sight.
Regrets, I’ve had a few… He’d laugh if there was enough of him left to manage it. He regrets dying, both the first time and now, but the reason for this final death, saving all of Cardiff and more from a nuclear disaster… No, that he doesn’t regret at all. At the end of his life, he’s finally done something right, something he can be proud of.
‘Thank you, Tosh.’ Although he can no longer say the words aloud, he can still think them, just barely. ‘Couldn’t have done it without you.’
As a curious sense of peace envelops him, he lets go of all that he was, all that he will now never be, and he knows it’s okay.
He didn’t live the best life, but he made up for it in his last moments with a final act of selflessness.
It’s enough.
The End