BtVS Ficlet: Love’s Last Gift
Title: Love’s Last Gift
Fandom: BtVS
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Angel, Buffy.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 939
Setting: Amends.
Summary: Filled with guilt and regrets, Angel prepares to end his existence for Buffy’s sake.
Content Notes: Thoughts of (vampire) suicide.
Written For: Prompt ‘any, any, What does she get for all the love she gave you/There on the ladder of regrets?’ at spring_renewal.
Disclaimer: I don’t own BtVS, or the characters.
Guilt settled over Angel like an old friend. Guilt for what he did in the past, guilt for the crimes he’d committed more recently, guilt for the things a part of him still wanted to do, and above all, guilt for all the many ways he hurt Buffy. Harming her had never been his intention, he’d only meant to help her, but it hadn’t worked out that way, because he was weak, and because even though he’d had his human soul restored, the demon was still inside him. He was still a vampire.
He shouldn’t have started anything with Buffy, should have resisted the temptation. She was so young, innocent, and despite being the Slayer, still so naïve. But he’d felt drawn to her from the moment he’d first seen her, she’d been so beautiful and full of life, and he’d been lonely for such a long time… There’d been so much love in her eyes when she looked at him, and he’d wanted to believe that he deserved her love, even though he knew he didn’t.
And so he’d let himself fall, deeper and deeper, allowed himself to think that it was alright for him to love Buffy, because she felt the same way, and he could care for her, protect her, keep her safe in ways a human boyfriend never could. Everything he knew, he would gift to her, teaching her things about fighting vampires and demons even her Watcher wasn’t able to.
But what did Buffy get in exchange for all the love she gave him, all her trust and her belief that he was worthy of her? It had been good for a while, he’d dared to be happy, but one foolish misstep, one night of irresponsible passion, and he’d turned evil again. Then what?
He’d tormented her, terrorised her friends, rampaged through Sunnydale on a killing spree… He’d gleefully murdered the woman who’d tried to set things right again by restoring his soul, he’d injured Willow and Xander, had the other young Slayer, Kendra, killed, then tortured Buffy’s Watcher, and the demon inside him had relished every depraved act.
He'd broken Buffy’s tender heart, and despite it all, now that he had his soul back, she still loved him. She still wanted to help him. She’d cared for him for weeks, in secret, bringing him blood, tending him as he’d healed, and getting into trouble with her friends because of it. Now he was as whole as he was ever likely to get, and despite her telling him it was over, and that they couldn’t see each other any longer, she was still all he wanted.
He had so many regrets, especially for everything he’d done to cause Buffy pain, and yet he still yearned for her presence, ached for her touch, longed to lose himself in her the way he had on their one precious night together. Even knowing that it would cost him his soul again, a part of him didn’t care. He’d be willing to sacrifice anything, even everything, to once again experience the peace and fulfilment he’d known so briefly as Buffy lay sleeping in his arms.
Tormented by visions and memories, Angel could feel him grip on reality, and on sanity, slipping away from him. Something was trying to drive him over the edge, make him take what he wanted so badly, lose his soul, and kill the only person who’d even made him feel like he was worth anything. And he wanted to, but at the same time he knew, weak though he was, that he couldn’t let himself give in to the temptation.
There was only one possible solution, although he hated to think of causing Buffy yet more pain and grief. He was too weak to keep fighting temptation; no matter how hard he tried, before long, his resistance would crumble, and while he didn’t have the courage to take his own life, he could let the rising sun do the job for him.
For once in his existence, he wanted to do something right. Buffy gave him all the love in her young heart, and he loved her as well as he knew how, but now the only gift he could offer her was to remove the danger he posed in the most permanent way possible.
His death would free her to live the life he was holding her back from, and to love someone who deserved her, someone who could love her in all the ways she needed. She’d probably hate him for it, but that was okay, because hate was all she ought to feel for a monster like him. She should never have given her love to him in the first place; if she hated him, then perhaps losing him would hurt her less. He’d hurt her too much already.
He wanted it to be over, his torment at an end, and he thought he could do it, knowing that his end would be Buffy’s salvation. He still loved her, more than anything, and he’d be ending his existence as much for her as for himself.
All he had to do was walk to the top of the nearest hill and wait for the sun to rise. It might be the closest thing to a selfless act he’d ever committed. It wouldn’t buy him redemption, but that didn’t matter; redemption could never be his anyway, not after everything he’d done. But he’d be protecting Buffy from himself, and that was something he should have done long ago, because of all the monsters in the world, he’d always been the worst of all.
The End
Fandom: BtVS
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Angel, Buffy.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 939
Setting: Amends.
Summary: Filled with guilt and regrets, Angel prepares to end his existence for Buffy’s sake.
Content Notes: Thoughts of (vampire) suicide.
Written For: Prompt ‘any, any, What does she get for all the love she gave you/There on the ladder of regrets?’ at spring_renewal.
Disclaimer: I don’t own BtVS, or the characters.
Guilt settled over Angel like an old friend. Guilt for what he did in the past, guilt for the crimes he’d committed more recently, guilt for the things a part of him still wanted to do, and above all, guilt for all the many ways he hurt Buffy. Harming her had never been his intention, he’d only meant to help her, but it hadn’t worked out that way, because he was weak, and because even though he’d had his human soul restored, the demon was still inside him. He was still a vampire.
He shouldn’t have started anything with Buffy, should have resisted the temptation. She was so young, innocent, and despite being the Slayer, still so naïve. But he’d felt drawn to her from the moment he’d first seen her, she’d been so beautiful and full of life, and he’d been lonely for such a long time… There’d been so much love in her eyes when she looked at him, and he’d wanted to believe that he deserved her love, even though he knew he didn’t.
And so he’d let himself fall, deeper and deeper, allowed himself to think that it was alright for him to love Buffy, because she felt the same way, and he could care for her, protect her, keep her safe in ways a human boyfriend never could. Everything he knew, he would gift to her, teaching her things about fighting vampires and demons even her Watcher wasn’t able to.
But what did Buffy get in exchange for all the love she gave him, all her trust and her belief that he was worthy of her? It had been good for a while, he’d dared to be happy, but one foolish misstep, one night of irresponsible passion, and he’d turned evil again. Then what?
He’d tormented her, terrorised her friends, rampaged through Sunnydale on a killing spree… He’d gleefully murdered the woman who’d tried to set things right again by restoring his soul, he’d injured Willow and Xander, had the other young Slayer, Kendra, killed, then tortured Buffy’s Watcher, and the demon inside him had relished every depraved act.
He'd broken Buffy’s tender heart, and despite it all, now that he had his soul back, she still loved him. She still wanted to help him. She’d cared for him for weeks, in secret, bringing him blood, tending him as he’d healed, and getting into trouble with her friends because of it. Now he was as whole as he was ever likely to get, and despite her telling him it was over, and that they couldn’t see each other any longer, she was still all he wanted.
He had so many regrets, especially for everything he’d done to cause Buffy pain, and yet he still yearned for her presence, ached for her touch, longed to lose himself in her the way he had on their one precious night together. Even knowing that it would cost him his soul again, a part of him didn’t care. He’d be willing to sacrifice anything, even everything, to once again experience the peace and fulfilment he’d known so briefly as Buffy lay sleeping in his arms.
Tormented by visions and memories, Angel could feel him grip on reality, and on sanity, slipping away from him. Something was trying to drive him over the edge, make him take what he wanted so badly, lose his soul, and kill the only person who’d even made him feel like he was worth anything. And he wanted to, but at the same time he knew, weak though he was, that he couldn’t let himself give in to the temptation.
There was only one possible solution, although he hated to think of causing Buffy yet more pain and grief. He was too weak to keep fighting temptation; no matter how hard he tried, before long, his resistance would crumble, and while he didn’t have the courage to take his own life, he could let the rising sun do the job for him.
For once in his existence, he wanted to do something right. Buffy gave him all the love in her young heart, and he loved her as well as he knew how, but now the only gift he could offer her was to remove the danger he posed in the most permanent way possible.
His death would free her to live the life he was holding her back from, and to love someone who deserved her, someone who could love her in all the ways she needed. She’d probably hate him for it, but that was okay, because hate was all she ought to feel for a monster like him. She should never have given her love to him in the first place; if she hated him, then perhaps losing him would hurt her less. He’d hurt her too much already.
He wanted it to be over, his torment at an end, and he thought he could do it, knowing that his end would be Buffy’s salvation. He still loved her, more than anything, and he’d be ending his existence as much for her as for himself.
All he had to do was walk to the top of the nearest hill and wait for the sun to rise. It might be the closest thing to a selfless act he’d ever committed. It wouldn’t buy him redemption, but that didn’t matter; redemption could never be his anyway, not after everything he’d done. But he’d be protecting Buffy from himself, and that was something he should have done long ago, because of all the monsters in the world, he’d always been the worst of all.
The End