FAKE Ficlet: No Tears To Cry
Title: No Tears To Cry
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Dee, Ryo, Mother, Jess
Rating: PG
Setting: During the manga, referencing Vols 2 and 3.
Summary: Dee wishes he had Ryo’s ability to cry so easily.
Word Count: 741
Content Notes: Warning for referenced child death.
Written For: Challenge 443: Cry at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful
Sanami Matoh.
Times like this, Dee envies his partner’s ability to cry so easily, shedding tears whenever he’s sad, or hurt, or happy, or even over some sappy old movie on the TV. Dee remembers crying as a kid, because that’s what kids do when they fall over and hurt themselves, when they have a bad dream, when someone older, and bigger, and stronger is picking on them, pushing them over, taking their toys. He just doesn’t remember when he stopped, or why.
It’s not as if Mother or Jess ever told him not to, that big boys don’t cry. Mother would have said that was nonsense, everybody cries and it’s a good thing, while Jess… Well, the subject just never came up; Dee doesn’t remember ever crying in front of him, except maybe right at the last, when Jess was dying, but that didn’t count. It was only a few tears; he’d barely been aware of them himself.
Maybe he simply grew out of crying, or maybe some of the older boys had called him a cry-baby or something. That might have done it; he was always trying to impress the older kids. Now though, it’s like there’s a wall somewhere behind his eyes, damming up the tears, keeping them from falling, and even though the thought of crying in front of anyone embarrasses the hell out of him, still, he wishes he could, especially now.
Ryo is lucky to be so in touch with his emotions. He doesn’t break down in tears over everything, he’d be pretty useless as a cop if he did, because crying his eyes out over every dead body they see, every sad sight, everything that - rightfully - makes him angry or upset, would get in the way of him doing his job. But afterwards perhaps, when he’s at home, he gets to let those bottled-up emotions go, while Dee has a few beers to dull the memory, resorts to going a few rounds with a punching bag, or blasts hell out of the targets on the firing range. Ryo’s method of dealing with the horrors of their job is almost certainly healthier.
Dee has seen his partner cry from sadness, pain, rage, despair, and joy, and it makes Dee feel awkward and helpless every time because he has no idea what he’s supposed to do. They’re work partners and best friends, although Dee still has hopes of them becoming something more, so is he supposed to hold Ryo and comfort him, or just ignore the tears and look the other way, pretend he hasn’t noticed?
He remembers the day mother was injured so badly by the explosion at the orphanage that the doctor’s hadn’t been sure she’d survive, how he’d sprawled limply across the day bed in his apartment, his head in his partner’s lap. He’d felt numb with shock, but at the same time, there’d been a seething ball of fear and fury inside him, wrapped around his heart, constricting it, filling his chest to the point where it was almost choking him, the pressure had felt so intense. Would he have felt better if he could have given in to tears? He’ll never know.
Then he recalls that Christmas Eve, when he’d gone over to Ryo’s place and found him alone, looking so sad. That was before he’d learned what had happened to Ryo’s parents ten years earlier, and he’d worried he’d done something to upset his partner, especially when the tears started falling. Acting on impulse, not knowing what else to do, he’d kissed them away…
“Dee? Are you okay?”
Dragged out of his reverie, he turns to his partner, tries to smile, but knows it must look more like a grimace.
“’Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
It’s a stupid thing to say, especially since Ryo must know it’s a lie. Today’s crime scene, the body of a small child, has burned itself into his brain, and he’s certain it’s the same for Ryo; that kind of thing you can’t unsee.
He’s sure that later tonight Ryo will cry for the child, killed by his own mother, the person who should have loved him unconditionally, and protected him from harm. Dee wishes he could cry for the kid too, but his eyes are dry and he kinda hates himself for that. He doesn’t want to be the tough, macho guy who never sheds a tear. He just doesn’t know how to change.
The End
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Dee, Ryo, Mother, Jess
Rating: PG
Setting: During the manga, referencing Vols 2 and 3.
Summary: Dee wishes he had Ryo’s ability to cry so easily.
Word Count: 741
Content Notes: Warning for referenced child death.
Written For: Challenge 443: Cry at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful
Sanami Matoh.
Times like this, Dee envies his partner’s ability to cry so easily, shedding tears whenever he’s sad, or hurt, or happy, or even over some sappy old movie on the TV. Dee remembers crying as a kid, because that’s what kids do when they fall over and hurt themselves, when they have a bad dream, when someone older, and bigger, and stronger is picking on them, pushing them over, taking their toys. He just doesn’t remember when he stopped, or why.
It’s not as if Mother or Jess ever told him not to, that big boys don’t cry. Mother would have said that was nonsense, everybody cries and it’s a good thing, while Jess… Well, the subject just never came up; Dee doesn’t remember ever crying in front of him, except maybe right at the last, when Jess was dying, but that didn’t count. It was only a few tears; he’d barely been aware of them himself.
Maybe he simply grew out of crying, or maybe some of the older boys had called him a cry-baby or something. That might have done it; he was always trying to impress the older kids. Now though, it’s like there’s a wall somewhere behind his eyes, damming up the tears, keeping them from falling, and even though the thought of crying in front of anyone embarrasses the hell out of him, still, he wishes he could, especially now.
Ryo is lucky to be so in touch with his emotions. He doesn’t break down in tears over everything, he’d be pretty useless as a cop if he did, because crying his eyes out over every dead body they see, every sad sight, everything that - rightfully - makes him angry or upset, would get in the way of him doing his job. But afterwards perhaps, when he’s at home, he gets to let those bottled-up emotions go, while Dee has a few beers to dull the memory, resorts to going a few rounds with a punching bag, or blasts hell out of the targets on the firing range. Ryo’s method of dealing with the horrors of their job is almost certainly healthier.
Dee has seen his partner cry from sadness, pain, rage, despair, and joy, and it makes Dee feel awkward and helpless every time because he has no idea what he’s supposed to do. They’re work partners and best friends, although Dee still has hopes of them becoming something more, so is he supposed to hold Ryo and comfort him, or just ignore the tears and look the other way, pretend he hasn’t noticed?
He remembers the day mother was injured so badly by the explosion at the orphanage that the doctor’s hadn’t been sure she’d survive, how he’d sprawled limply across the day bed in his apartment, his head in his partner’s lap. He’d felt numb with shock, but at the same time, there’d been a seething ball of fear and fury inside him, wrapped around his heart, constricting it, filling his chest to the point where it was almost choking him, the pressure had felt so intense. Would he have felt better if he could have given in to tears? He’ll never know.
Then he recalls that Christmas Eve, when he’d gone over to Ryo’s place and found him alone, looking so sad. That was before he’d learned what had happened to Ryo’s parents ten years earlier, and he’d worried he’d done something to upset his partner, especially when the tears started falling. Acting on impulse, not knowing what else to do, he’d kissed them away…
“Dee? Are you okay?”
Dragged out of his reverie, he turns to his partner, tries to smile, but knows it must look more like a grimace.
“’Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
It’s a stupid thing to say, especially since Ryo must know it’s a lie. Today’s crime scene, the body of a small child, has burned itself into his brain, and he’s certain it’s the same for Ryo; that kind of thing you can’t unsee.
He’s sure that later tonight Ryo will cry for the child, killed by his own mother, the person who should have loved him unconditionally, and protected him from harm. Dee wishes he could cry for the kid too, but his eyes are dry and he kinda hates himself for that. He doesn’t want to be the tough, macho guy who never sheds a tear. He just doesn’t know how to change.
The End