"Come here and smell his lemony head furs!"
So, here is a piece of creative nonfiction I'm feeling VERY awkward about, but really need ConCrit on. I intend to send this in to an anthology about women's and transfolk's sexuality, so I want it to be perfect.
( This is a sexually explicit work dealing with masturbation, boydykery, sadomasochism, and voyeurism. You are warned. )
( This is a sexually explicit work dealing with masturbation, boydykery, sadomasochism, and voyeurism. You are warned. )
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As an indication of the piece's effectiveness, I believe I may now go back to bed to masturbate while thinking of you and your big black dildo!
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Opening is good. I might suggest coming back to that thought in the last paragraph rather than the second to last, though. It puts it out of time order, but makes the discovery of your cunt the opening and closing thought.
The paragraphs need a bit more differentiation than time alone give them. Your partners have these amazing, evocative names. Making sure that each section has their names in the opening sentence could more potently differentiate than dates do. Still mention the dates somewhere, but later.
It might be difficult in the context of this piece since it's so retrospective, but try playing with tense in a couple of the sex scenes. Stepping out of a clinical third person into a present tense description tends to make sex scenes more gripping. You could do it as a flashback to direct narrative, for instance...
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Good idea about the names, I'll change that around.
I have written all of the scenes in present tense, while writing the masturbation sequences in past tense.
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Aside from that... I'll, uh, be in my bunk. For a while.
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