Baby, Please
Author: bookishvice
Recipient: EVERYONE
Title: Baby, Please
Word Counts: 8.9k
Side Pairing(s): KaiSoo, mentioned!HunHan
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): a bit of angst
Disclaimer:The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Kids have always been a huge issue in their relationship and Baekhyun is more than ready to take the next step forward…but Chanyeol is not.
Author's Note: I hope I did your prompt justice and I hope you like it kyakou! Also, many many thanks to everyone who helped me get this story done <3
❀ April ❀
The front door chimes open, and Baekhyun lets go of his fork. He stands just as Chanyeol comes into the kitchen and receives him with a clingy hug and a sweet kiss. He tries to keep his excitement under control, but fails when his husband hugs back extra hard, making him squeal. Chanyeol releases him and takes a seat at the table.
Baekhyun hurries and brings him a plate of lasagna after reheating it in the microwave, then sits across from him. “I have to tell you something,” he says after a small pause. He’s been dying to share the story since this morning.
Chanyeol pauses eating and reaches for Baekhyun’s hands across the table. He leans forward with a smile, giving his full attention. “What is it?”
“Kyungsoo called.”
“Really?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows quirk up. “Where the heck have he and Jongin been?”
Baekhyun shakes his head quickly, bouncing a bit on his seat. “It’s not where they have been, but what they were doing!”
Chanyeol tilts his head.
“They were adopting a baby!” Baekhyun laughs. “The sneaky bastards didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t happen. But they got the okay and all the papers went through. Chanyeol…they got the cutest little girl ever. Soo emailed me some pictures and she is a tiny little doll.”
Chanyeol beams. “That’s so great! They’ve been wanting to do this for so long. I’m so happy for them.”
“I know, right? It’s such a blessing for them.” Baekhyun grips his husband’s hand harder. This is the hard part, now. Breathe, Baek. “I…I asked Soo for the name of the agency they used. I thought we could maybe look into it. Just…you know, to see.”
Chanyeol lets go of his hands, his face going carefully blank. “Baek...could we not do this tonight.”
Baekhyun’s heart plummets. Oh, please, please. Let him just listen tonight. “I-I’m just saying,” he settles his hands onto his lap so they don’t look so empty on top of the table, “if those two workaholics can do it, then you and I-”
“Baek, please.” Chanyeol runs a hand down his face and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m tired. I have a headache coming on. And I’m really not up for this argument. I promise we can discuss it at length another day, yeah?”
Baek swallows. He hates to push Chanyeol like this, but he’s learned that sometimes his husband needs a little shove to get out of his big stubborn head. “Listen, I know how you feel. But I think when you go with me and see them-”
Deep wrinkles appear between his husband’s brows. “Go with you where?”
“T-To the agency,” Baekhyun says, wringing his hands. Maybe it had been too forward of him, but what harm can it do? Maybe if Chanyeol sees the babies, he’ll change his mind. “I sort of set up an appointment with them. I was so excited that I called right away, and the lady was so nice to invite us for a tour, a-a preview.”
Chanyeol groans and raises both hands to cover his face. “Baek….”
There’s a knot steadily forming in his throat. “If you would only give this a chance.”
“Baekhyun….”
The knot bursts. “I just don’t understand why! Why can’t we have a baby?”
Chanyeol gets up, his chair scratching along the floor. He doesn’t scream, but his voice takes a hard edge that slices at Baekhyun all the same. “I work all day long, six sometimes seven days a week. When I come home, I like to return to you and the comfort of my home. Not a screaming baby, which will turn into a demanding toddler and later into a rebellious teen. I can’t handle that right now.” He raises a hand, stalling Baekhyun’s next words. “And though I know you can, you shouldn’t be made to handle it alone.”
“But I want to! Don’t you see?” Baekhyun stands and goes to Chanyeol, gripping his neatly pressed shirt. “I want to do all that. I want to be sleepless because our baby kept me up all night. I want to be amused at our toddler’s demands. And I want to be angry and yet secretly proud of our teen. I want to be a parent. Why don’t you?”
“Because...because I...I don’t.” Chanyeol settles his hands over Baekhyun’s. A weary sigh rattles his chest and his eyes look sadder than Baekhyun’s ever seen them. “You knew that when we got married. You knew. Why are you making me feel guilty about it now?”
“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Baek says, releasing his grip and smoothing his hands over his husband’s chest. “I want you to give this idea a chance. We’ve been married for almost five years now. We’ve known each other for almost twice as long. I think it’s time our family grew, Yeol. I want you to not dismiss it just because you’re afraid.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s not about fear, Baek. I just…can’t. If you wanted kids you should’ve married Sehun. Look at how many kids he and Luhan have now. Is it five or six?”
Baekhyun stiffens and pulls away. “You are such a jerk Park Chanyeol.”
His husband sighs. “I didn’t mean that. It was just a joke-”
“Everything is a joke to you.” Baekhyun leaves the kitchen and races upstairs to lock himself in the master bathroom. He turns on the shower and lets the water run. He slides down onto the marble floor and grips his knees tightly to his chest.
Baekhyun just wants a big family, like the one he once had and was rejected from when he came out. Chanyeol rescued him then, gave him hope, love, a new start. Chanyeol became his new family. But Baekhyun’s heart is greedy, constantly craving to give and receive love, and after years of being just the two of them, he is ready for more.
If only Yeol was willing to try….
Hot tears start to fall as the bathroom mirror fogs up.
❦ May ❦
Chanyeol climbs the short steps up to the entrance, ignores the doorbell-he sort of broke it on the first day from pressing too hard and too fast-and bangs on the navy door. This has been his routine for the past three weeks, so he’s not surprised when his heavy knocking goes unanswered. Chanyeol waits some minutes and knocks again, harder and longer.
This goes on for some time as it always does.
Chanyeol keeps doing it until the sun goes down and the porch lamp lights up. Only then, does he slide his hands into his pockets and make his way down the steps.
“Chanyeol, wait!”
He looks up to see Jongin half-out the door, battling to put on his jacket while holding onto the leashes of three very excitable toy poodles. “Soo, honey! I’m going to walk the puppies!”
Once he untangles himself, Jongin meets Chanyeol on the sidewalk. His friend eyes him from head to toe, and sighs. “Let’s go for a walk.”
This is new. Neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin have come out or acknowledged his knocks before. Well, except that time when Soo stormed out and threw water in his face. To be fair, he deserved it for arriving drunk and making a ruckus. Not one of his brightest moments, but at least he’d caught a glimpse of Baekhyun’s face hiding behind the door. Eyes red and swollen, dressed in his favorite pajamas, but in a house that wasn’t theirs. In a place Chanyeol wasn’t allowed to enter, he couldn’t go to his husband and hold him tight to comfort him. That, more than the ice-cold water dripping down his face, had sobered Chanyeol right up.
“How are you doing, buddy?” Jongin asks as he leads them to a nearby park.
“I am nothing without him,” Chanyeol says, and it’s the truth. He’s fought for Baekhyun and along Baekhyun, but never with Baekhyun. Never this big. It’s making him crazy. “The house feels empty, my days feel hollow. I can’t sleep, can’t concentrate on work, have zero appetite. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Maybe it’s time to let go,” Jongin says.
Chanyeol stops walking and glares. “How can you even suggest that? You know what Baek and I have been through. Do you think I’ll just give him up that easily?”
Jongin smiles. “Of course not. I only wanted to see if you had any fighting spirit left.”
“I won’t stop fighting. Ever.” Chanyeol resumes walking. “And I’m sorry, but I won’t stop knocking on your door until he comes out and talks to me.”
“I know,” Jongin says. “Kyungsoo knows, too, even if he gets grumpy about it. Though the grumpiness comes from lack of sleep. Sooah still doesn’t sleep through the night.”
Sooah, Kyungsoo and Jongin’s one year old, has been all the talk between their friends. Unfortunately, Chanyeol hasn’t had the chance to meet her, what with him being banned from the Kim house. “How is she?”
“Oh my god, Yeol. She is wonderful!” Jongin’s grin could eclipse the moon. “The other day she managed to climb out of the pen we have in the living room and we found her snuggled with Monggu on his doggy bed.”
The image is so precious that Chanyeol can’t help but grin. “Did Soo freak out?”
Jongin laughs. “Totally.”
They keep walking around the park as the night gets chillier. The puppies do their business and Jongin picks the little messes up in paper baggies he then throws out in the nearest trashcan. To give the puppies a break, they sit on a bench and let the poodles play around their ankles.
“You really won’t even consider the idea of children?” Jongin asks.
Chanyeol sighs. “I work eight to nine most days. I get home to eat, sleep, and talk to Baek about his day. The weekends are reserved just for us, to keep our marriage alive. If we add a kid into the mix…Baek would basically have to raise the boy or girl on his own. He would grow to resent me for not being there, and it wouldn’t be long until the serious fights started.”
“Yeol…you and Baek are not your parents,” Jongin says, scratching Monggu’s head. “You two have been together for so long and overcome so many things. This is just another challenge.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. Just thinking about it makes his heart heavy. He’s not cut out to be a father, not yet, and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. “I just…I don’t think we can.”
“Meaning you don’t think you can?” Jongin says, nudging him on the shoulder. He turns his attention to Jjangah and Jjanggu who are now fighting to be petted too. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Chanyeol picks up Jjangah and settles her on his lap, running his fingers over her short white curls.
“I didn’t think I could either,” Jongin says, once he’s let the other two pups go. “Remember that time I invited you camping?”
Chanyeol nods. “And we got so drunk that we not only grilled the fish we caught, but also the vegetables, the marshmallows, and-”
“Everything we could find! Yes!” Jongin laughs and Jjanggu jumps onto his lap. He pets him. “Kyungsoo and I had a huge fight that time and I needed to get out of the house. We fought about adoption.”
Chanyeol pulls back, eyes opening wide. Even before those two got married, kids had always been on the table. Kyungsoo used to joke that Jongin was more than qualified since he had three kids of his own already-the pups. “You never told me.”
“It’s okay. You were there for me even if you didn’t know I needed you,” Jongin says. “It was actually because of something you said that I finally went back and settled things with Soo. You said, ‘The only thing that could ever come between you two is a baby, and only because it would complete you as a family.’”
“I-I said that?” He’d blacked out most of that night. They’d really been shitfaced drunk.
Jongin rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did.” The puppies are getting restless, yipping and whining, wanting to go back home where it’s warm, so Jongin stands. “Yeol, the truth is, you won’t know what kind of parent you are until you’re there actually being a parent.”
Chanyeol pouts. He hated when Jongin went all wise man on his ass. “I don’t want to screw up a kid’s life.”
“You’re a great friend, Yeol. The best,” Jongin says. “I think you’d make an awesome dad.”
Chanyeol clears his throat and stands. Jongin has always been there for him. All through his freaking out about liking boys, to confronting his parents about it, to freaking out again when he met Baekhyun. That his friend still believes he could make a great dad means something. He claps Jongin on the shoulder.
“Why don’t you drop by the house tomorrow?” Jongin says. “I’ll talk to Kyungsoo about not murdering you and letting you talk to Baek.”
Chanyeol grins. “Thanks, man.”
His friend’s encouraging words go around in his head as he heads home, but even then, he can’t fight back the paralyzing thought of having a child of his own. He doesn’t want to be a screw up father or a shitty husband like his own father had been. Yet it seems that whatever decision he makes will lead to one of those two options.
If only Baek would see my side….
❦ May ❦
The door is a vivid orange color decorated with so many kids’ drawings that only the border around the glass window shows the true paint underneath. The woman giving him the tour, a Ms. Yeun, motions him with one hand to approach the viewing window.
Baekhyun takes a deep breath and steps closer to the door. His heart does an odd little ba-ba-dump when he glimpses the scene inside. There are toddlers everywhere: sitting on chairs and drawing, sprawled on the floor with building blocks, and playing with toy cars on puzzle-shaped floor mats. They’re tiny and adorable and so full of energy.
A laugh bubbles out of his chest at the thought that any one of them could be his, but he sobers up quickly. The only reason he is here is because he forgot to cancel the appointment. With all the moving out ordeal and the tense encounters with Yeol-yeah, Kyungsoo had let him in and, yeah, he and his husband were talking again-Baekhyun had completely erased it from his mind. Until the adoption agency called his cell during lunch today, to remind him of the visit.
Baekhyun swallows to clear his throat, and hopes none of his burdens come through when he opens his mouth next. “A-Are they the youngest ones?”
“We keep the babies in a separate area,” Ms. Yeun says, her voice soothing and even. She starts leading the way down the hall.
Baekhyun pulls away slowly, his hand still on the glass window. Chanyeol should be here with him. They’ve been talking every day over the phone, but Baekhyun still refuses to move back. He’s afraid that if he gives in so easily, his husband will just forget his promise to consider the possibility of a baby. No. For now, it is better this way.
However, coming here without Chanyeol feels…wrong. Maybe he should’ve rescheduled. Maybe he should’ve called Chanyeol. A lot of maybes and what ifs.
Ms. Yeun stops at another door, a soft turquoise one, free of drawings. This time she holds it open.
Baek hesitates at the threshold.
“It’s all right, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says. “Come on in. Most of them are asleep.”
The babies are mostly asleep, looking like little cherubs with their round, rosy cheeks and tiny hands and feet. They’re all so precious, that for a moment he feels overwhelmed, a heavy pressure settling over his chest.
Chanyeol is not here. And it feels so wrong standing there alone, that Baekhyun wants to run out before he starts to sob. There’s an oncoming wave of panic threatening to drown him, but then one baby catches his eye.
The name on her crib reads Mina. She has a purple onesie with little sheep on the front, and she is not asleep. Mina looks at him with big brown eyes, a gaze that reaches all the way into his heart and squeezes it. Breath goes out of him in a big exhale and he smiles at the little angel. When he steps closer, she raises her little arms and waits to be picked up.
“Can I?” Baekhyun asks.
Ms. Yeun nods. “You can.”
Baekhyun picks up baby Mina, careful to support her head and body. He cradles her against his chest and she yawns wide, opening and closing her tiny fists. Her eyes focus on him again and he smiles. She gurgles happily and the sound makes his heart burst. She’s the most perfect thing he’s ever laid eyes on.
There’s a tight knot forming in his throat, so he tries to breathe through it and calm down. It wouldn’t do to upset the baby.
“You mentioned a husband, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says, looking at the folder in her hands. “He didn’t come for the appointment?”
“Yes, I-I-He just…” Baekhyun coos at Mina, giving his brain time to come up with an excuse. “He recently got a promotion and has a lot of work.”
Ms. Yeun looks at him over the rim of her glasses. “Mr. Byun…we do accept single parent adoptions, but I have to warn you that it might take longer. Couple adoptions take priority, you see.”
“I understand.” Baekhyun says, bouncing a bit on his heels, still staring at the baby. He wills his eyes to stay dry. “Yeol has just been really busy with work lately. He’s doing extra hours. We’re saving up money for the baby.” Or at least, he’s been saving up his freelance money for the baby.
“Ah, that sounds lovely,” Ms. Yeun says. “Then I hope to meet him next time.”
This is why Baekhyun hates to lie. How is he going to get Chanyeol to come to the next meeting? He promised to be understanding and give him a break, but now with baby Mina in his arms, he feels his resolve crumbling. What if Yeol never changed? What if years passed and it was still just the two of them? Baekhyun had never considered being a single parent, but if things didn’t work out….
“There are still a couple of details we need to go over,” Ms. Yeun says, bringing him back from his thoughts.
That’s his cue to put the baby down in her crib. But he doesn’t want to. Mina is waving her hands excitedly at him and his heart is breaking into pieces. Chanyeol would love her. He is certain of it.
He has to make things work between them. He has to.
“Five more minutes?” Baek begs, his voice choked up.
☀ June ☀
Baekhyun turns off the ignition and sits in the quiet of his car for a moment. He’s still living out of his suitcase in Kyungsoo and Jongin’s guestroom. He’s also become Sooah’s unofficial nanny as repayment to his friends for taking him in. But even with friends by his side and a baby to brighten his afternoons, Baek still feels a bleakness taking over his life. It’s the absence of something vital, someone whom Baek doesn’t dare admit out loud that he misses for fear of breaking down.
They’re still talking every day, but it feels as if their arguments go around in circles. Baekhyun says he wants a baby, Chanyeol talks about his fears, Baekhyun assures him they’ll make it, Chanyeol wants to believe…but doesn’t. The second appointment with the adoption agency is coming up soon, and Baekhyun doesn’t know what he’ll say if Ms. Yeun brings up single parent adoption again.
Baekhyun sighs and gets out of the car before his thoughts become too morose. Using the spare key Kyungsoo and Jongin gave him, he opens the door and walks in.
“I’m home!” He leaves his shoes in the closet by the front door and makes his way to the open kitchen and living room area. Jongin is waiting for him there, looking all sorts of guilty.
The reason becomes clear when Baekhyun sees the person sitting on the living room couch.
Chanyeol.
Except for his eyes, which are wide and slightly panicked, his husband sits completely at ease with Sooah in his arms. The girl is playing with a Pororo plushie that is half as big as her. He’s so good with kids and he can’t even see it.
Baekhyun smiles politely, clamps a hand around Jongin’s arm, and drags him out of earshot. “What is he doing here?” he hisses.
“I think it’s time you and your husband talk things out face to face,” Jongin says massaging the area where Baekhyun grabbed him.
Except for the daily phone call, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had decided to keep clear of each other until they resolved this issue. Time away meant cooler tempers and clearer heads. Plus, they both knew their defenses would be completely destroyed the moment they saw each other. Hell, just to see the agonized look in Chanyeol’s eyes right now was making Baekhyun want to pack his bags and go home.
He glares hard at Jongin. “This is not what we agreed to.”
“It’s been three months,” Jongin fires back. “Someone had to step in.”
“You had no right to interfere,” Baekhyun says as he steps closer, toe-to-toe.
Jongin snorts. He presses a finger against Baek’s forehead and pushes him back. “Pfft! Be glad I didn’t follow Kyungsoo’s advice. He suggested I lock you two up in a room and throw away the key.”
Baekhyun swallows. Kyungsoo would, he so would.
“Besides,” Jongin says, “what if Yeol has something to tell you, but can’t do it over the phone? Have you ever thought about that?”
Baekhyun sighs. “Unless he’s here to tell me he’s willing to consider the future growth of our family, then he has no business being here.”
Jongin crosses his arms. “Hyung, you’re being unreasonable.”
“I thought you were on my side,” Baekhyun whispers, even as his heart beats faster at the thought of talking to his husband directly again. He’s doing this. He wants this.
“I’m on nobody’s side.”
“Traitor.”
“You’re being childish,” Jongin says.
“And you’re being an idiot!”
Sooah starts crying then. Jongin narrows his eyes at Baekhyun and leaves to pick up his baby from Chanyeol’s arms. He bounces her softly and settles her against his chest. “There, there Soo-soo. Uncle Baek is just being a stubborn duckling as always. He didn’t mean to scare you.”
Baekhyun walks over and kisses Sooah’s little hand. “Sorry, baby.”
“Talk to him,” Jongin says, pulling away. “I’ll be in the nursery.”
The silence is deafening once Jongin and Sooah are gone. Baekhyun can hardly stand it, but he refuses to break under Chanyeol’s pleading gaze. This is exactly why they’d banned meetings. He takes a seat on the chair across from the sofa and tries to keep himself from shattering to pieces.
Baekhyun’s smile is tight; not fake, just hesitant. “Hey, I thought we said…I mean…Why are you here?”
“It’s good to see you, too,” Chanyeol answers softly. “I came because I want you to come back home, Baek. I miss you.”
Baekhyun’s heart lurches. He wants to go back home. He wants to go back to Chanyeol. But he also wants to know their future includes a baby or the possibility of one. Maybe he’s looking for a reaction, a hint to see if Chanyeol’s stance has changed. Whatever it is, something pushes him to say, “Remember that appointment at the adoption agency? The one I told you about the night I…the night I left? I went to see them. By myself.”
It takes a moment for his husband to react. “You did what?”
“I went there some weeks ago to meet with the woman reviewing our case. And to see the babies,” Baek says, noticing how his husband’s nostrils flare, eyes widening. He hasn’t changed. Even after all their talks, everything is still the same. Baekhyun wants to run away again from the harsh truth, so he grips the chair’s armrests and holds.
Chanyeol leans forward, elbows on his thighs. “Baek, how could you-we’re still talking about this. I told you. I-I’m not ready for this.”
Baekhyun swallows and keeps talking. If he’s talking, then he’s not crying. “You seemed to be doing really well with Sooah.”
“That’s…different.” Chanyeol runs his fingers through his hair.
“It’s not that different,” Baekhyun says. “I’ve been taking care of her in the afternoons. It’s fun, rewarding, and very exhausting. Most days I am so tired that I fall asleep while working! It’s a lot of responsibility, I get it now. But…” he leans forward, eyes intent on his husband “I still want to try, Yeol. I still want a baby.”
Chanyeol bites his lip. “Baek…I….”
He’s going to say no.
Baekhyun doesn’t want to hear the words. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s…okay. But I’m going forward with the adoption.”
“Y-You…you can’t!” Chanyeol stands and goes to kneel in front of him. He doesn’t touch him, however. “Don’t do this. You’re forcing me into something I don’t want to do. We need to settle this. We need to figure this out, and I know that we can. Baek, we’ve been through so much. Just let us figure this out, sweetheart. Wait and let me figure this out.”
Baekhyun’s laugh comes out as a half-sob. “It’s what you’ve said over and over again. I’m tired of hoping you’ll change your mind. I want a family, Yeol. A big family like the one I had. And nothing would make me happier than to do this with you. But if you can’t,” He stands, forcing his husband back, “then I won’t force you to be a part of this.”
Hurt slices in Chanyeol’s eyes. “W-What?”
“I won’t ask you anymore,” Baekhyun says as calm as he can, even as his insides crumble and turn to dust. Chanyeol’s not ready for this, and perhaps he never will be. “I’ll do this on my own. The adoption center gave me the option to change the documents for single parent adoption, and I think I’ll take it.”
After the offer was made, he’d left the agency, doubled over and puked on the sidewalk. That day, the thought of going at it alone had made him nauseous. But after holding Mina, after seeing no change in his husband, after crying himself to sleep for so long, he’s decided.
Chanyeol goes completely white. “You can’t do this alone! I-I won’t allow it.”
Can’t do this? Won’t allow?
“Watch me,” Baekhyun growls out. He storms out of the room and runs into Jongin as he’s dashing into the guestroom.
Jongin and Sooah stare at him with wide eyes. “How did it go?”
“You suck.” Baekhyun throws the door closed.
☼ July ☼
The three story high building is like an ominous presence looming over Chanyeol as he stands by the entrance. For the past twenty minutes, he’s been trying to dig up an ounce of courage so he can open up the door and go inside.
He has to do this.
If he wants his marriage to survive and if he wants his husband back, Chanyeol has to go inside and give this idea of babies a chance. A real chance. So, after taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Chanyeol walks inside the adoption agency. A secretary leads him to the caseworker that had met with Baekhyun.
“Welcome, Mr. Park.” Ms. Yeun waves him to the chair across her desk. “My secretary tells me you are Mr. Byun’s husband.”
Chanyeol makes a sound of agreement and tries not to look too nervous, though that’s probably useless. He can’t stop tapping his left foot, and he keeps having to drag his hands down his pants to keep them dry.
Ms. Yeun closes her laptop and turns her eyes on him. “I am surprised that you are here, Mr. Park. Last time I met with Mr. Byun he requested a pause on the proceedings. Actually, he wanted to cancel everything, but I suggested he take some time to think things over. Does your visit mean you’ll be going forward with adoption?”
Chanyeol’s pulse jumped and quickened. Baekhyun wanted to cancel? After that whole speech about going at it alone, he hadn’t gone through with it? What did this mean? What did-He had to see Baekhyun. They needed to speak. Now.
He blinks and notices Ms. Yeun. Right. What had she asked? “I…that is…Baekhyun and I, we…He wants the adoption and I...I’m not….” He’s screwing this up big time, so he closes his mouth and tries to breathe.
“How is Mr. Byun?” Ms. Yeun asks, apparently realizing his struggle.
“Baek’s fine. He’s fine.” Chanyeol fixes his tie. Baekhyun is not fine. He’s gone back to avoiding Chanyeol, refusing to see or speak to him. They’re not fine.
Ms. Yeun’s eyes narrow as she stares at him, her polite smile unwavering. “Your husband told me you’ve been extremely busy with work.”
“I have. I was recently promoted to executive director, and have a lot more responsibilities now.” Chanyeol is basically in charge of running his floor, but the perk is he delegates most of the actual work. His hours are flexible too, thought it means carrying a work phone with him everywhere.
“A baby is a big responsibility, too,” Ms. Yeun says.
Chanyeol pads at the sweat gathered on his hairline. “Yes, it is.”
“And you don’t think you can handle both sets of responsibilities,” she says, and it is not a question.
Chanyeol breathes deep. “To be honest, I don’t know,” he says softly. “The idea of a baby scares me to death. They’re so fragile and need care and love and attention. And I’m sure I can give him or her all of that, but…what if I screw up? Baek is so confident we can do this, but what if we can’t?”
“Fear is normal, Mr. Park. It’s healthy to have doubts when you’re about to embark on this parenthood journey,” Ms. Yeun says. “But when you make the final decision, you have to be one hundred percent sure that no matter how afraid you are, you will give it your all to do this job.”
Chanyeol nods. “I understand.”
Ms. Yeun clicks her pen in a fast sequence before putting it down. “Would you like to see her?”
Chanyeol fumbles. He had expected to be dismissed now that he’d shown he wasn’t fit for this parent job. His total disaster of a talk would probably even get his name on some adoption blacklist or something. “H-her?”
“Mina,” Ms. Yeun says. “Your husband was quite taken by her when he came in for the first visit.”
His heart is practically hammering itself out of his chest. Baekhyun had mentioned seeing the kids, but Chanyeol never thought he’d actually interacted with them. Curiosity runs fast through his thoughts. “I-Yes, I would like to see her.”
Chanyeol follows Ms. Yeun as she leads him down the hallways. He peeks into the various rooms they pass-a mess hall, a classroom full of toddlers, a sleeping area, and a nursery.
They go inside this last one.
Chanyeol is so nervous now that his eyes keep darting to the nearest exit, but his feet refuse to move away. Why is he freaking out so hard? They’re just babies.
And his possible future kid.
Glup.
Ms. Yeun picks up a baby from a crib and walks towards him. She hands him the baby and Yeol is ten seconds away from having a panic attack. He looks at the baby girl in his arms and she’s staring back with the most open expression ever. Her eyes blink at him and he blinks back. They stay like that for a moment, simply staring at each other.
It’s similar to that feeling he gets when he holds Sooah in his arms, a feeling of fullness and undiluted joy, but this time it’s multiplied ten-fold. It’s like a fire has lit up inside his chest, melting his frozen insides, and leaving space for something new to grow, to flourish. He pulls the baby closer. “H-Hi, Mina.”
This angel is the one Baekhyun fell in love with, and when she giggles, placing a tiny hand on his cheek, Chanyeol understands why.
“I’m…I think, I’ll be your new papa,” he whispers as his eyes tear up.
☼ July ☼
The café has been their usual hangout for years, and the second booth on the right by the side window is their claimed spot every single time. Over that table, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo have discussed everything from school, to crushes and breakups, sex and kinks, marriage proposals, and babies.
Right now, the discussion is about his husband, Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo has just finished feeding his baby girl-Sooah-and struggles to settle her into the booster seat beside him. “Does Baek know you’re finally willing to consider a baby?”
Chanyeol shakes his head.
“You haven’t told him.” Kyungsoo gives Sooah her pacifier, which she promptly takes and slaps onto the table excitedly. “Why the F haven’t you told him?”
“I’ve tried to,” Chanyeol says. “But each time I speak to him, he gets either all defensive and I can hardly get a word in, or he tears up, I panic and I lose track of what I’m saying.” This has been going on for three weeks now.
“That’s why I told you to tie him to a chair and tape his mouth, otherwise he’ll distract you and not listen,” Kyungsoo says. Sooah burps and he smiles, leaning to kiss her chubby cheeks. He gives her a blankie next and she grabs onto it. Kyungsoo picks his soda glass and takes a drink.
“I’m going to call the agency tomorrow,” Chanyeol says.
Kyungsoo chokes on a piece of ice. “You’ll what?”
“I’ll even go sign the papers if that’s what they need.”
“Yeol...a month ago you weren’t even sure if you wanted to consider the option, you’ve just decided that you do want a kid, and now you’re telling me you’ll sign tomorrow?” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I thought this was about telling Baekhyun that you would consider a baby, not that you were going through with the adoption!”
“I’ll fix things with the agency and then show him how I remodeled the game room into a nursery,” Chanyeol says. “Do you think he’ll take my sorry ass back then?”
“I’m…I…give me a minute.” Kyungsoo drinks all of his soda in one pull and calms down. “What changed your mind?”
“They put her in my arms, Soo,” Chanyeol whispers. “I went to the agency to see her…the baby Baek met. They put her in my arms and I didn’t want to let go. I could actually see us taking care of her.”
Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment, then digs through his baby bag and brings out a tissue. He hands it to Chanyeol. “Have you really changed your mind? Because if you are just doing this to please him or because you’re afraid of being alone-”
“That’s not it. I swear. I want this.” Chanyeol dries his tears and blows his nose. His smile is crooked when he flashes it. “I’m still afraid I’ll screw up, but like everyone’s been telling me, I won’t know if I’m a good parent until I try it, right?”
“Babies are not toys that you can try out and then return if you don’t like them,” Kyungsoo says, his frown really deep. “There’s no try here. There’s only doing.”
“I know. What I meant was that the only reason I was so opposed was because of my fear of doing badly as a parent,” Chanyeol says. “But I’m not afraid when I’m with Baekhyun. I feel like I can take on the world when we’re together. The only thing I fear now is losing him.”
Kyungsoo exhales. “You’re not going to lose him.” He leans forward and pats Chanyeol’s hand. “But if you screw this up again, I will kick your ass.”
✧ August ✧
Baekhyun opens the door, and it’s creepy how empty the space inside feels, when before he would always inhale and feel the warmth and love. Each time it’s more painful than the last; harder to go in, harder to leave. This has been their home for almost ten years, but after four months of being apart, it feels like a shell of what it once was.
Chanyeol called him the night before and asked if he could drop by to talk. They were going to talk. Everyone knew what this meant. They were going to break up. Tonight, Chanyeol would throw in the towel and Baekhyun would be left with nothing for the second time in his life.
The silence of the house gives him no comfort, so Baekhyun goes in search of it.
It’ll still be a half-hour before Chanyeol gets home from work. Baekhyun moves towards their bedroom hoping to find that missing warmth, a hint that their life is still there. But he finds nothing. The bed is carefully made, no clothes strewn about, no hint of Chanyeol even sleeping there. Maybe he’d slept in the guest room. Maybe he’d slept in his office.
Baekhyun goes inside the master closet next. Half of his wardrobe isn’t there, but in a suitcase in Jongin and Kyungsoo’s house. Chanyeol’s side is completely full. He runs his hands over his husband’s suits, the soft materials that molded so easily to Chanyeol’s tall and strong body. In the beginning, Baekhyun’s breath would always stall when he caught a glimpse of Chanyeol in a suit. Sometimes it still did.
He’s going through Chanyeol’s big sweaters, thinking about taking one with him when the inevitable breakup comes when he spies a blue box on the top shelf of the closet, right beside the suitcases. That hadn’t been there the last time. It’s too high for him to reach easily. He jumps and sort of jerks the box until the whole thing along with the suitcases tumbles down. One lands directly on top of his right foot.
“Ow! Shit!” Baekhyun curses and jumps on one foot while holding the other.
“Baek?”
He yells and scrambles back, falling over the suitcase.
“Are you okay?”
“Jeez, Yeol. You scared the hell out of me,” Baekhyun says, still on the floor.
Chanyeol gives him a tiny smile. “Sorry.”
Baekhyun raises his hands and his husband takes them, hauling him up. There’s a tingling sensation left behind when Chanyeol’s fingers leave his own. Baekhyun breathes hard, but that’s the wrong thing to do. Chanyeol’s scent-a mix of spices and his own musk-invades his senses. They’re standing too close and Baekhyun wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around his husband’s waist and bury his face in Chanyeol’s broad chest. Because it will feel like home, and he misses home.
Chanyeol looks down and frowns. “Baek…were you going through my stuff?”
Busted. “I’m sorry, I was just…getting the other suitcase.”
Chanyeol frowns more. “What? Why?”
“I…I needed more clothes. Jongin ruined a couple of my shirts in the washer.” Which was true, anyways.
“Do you want to go?” Chanyeol’s hand covers his cheek.
Baekhyun leans into the touch. “I don’t want to go.”
“Then stay.” Chanyeol lowers and brushes his lips against Baekhyun’s. “Stay with me.”
It’s been so long, that when Chanyeol moves away, his body can’t take it anymore. It’s a magnetic pull that makes Baekhyun grab his husband back and kiss him hard.
Chanyeol whimpers. He circles his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and pulls him up, pressing him hard against the length of his tall body.
Baekhyun wraps his legs around his husband’s waist, clinging to him as they devour each other. They’re drinking in the closeness and filling the cracks created since their break. A break neither of them wanted, but they were too stubborn with their individual wishes to try and work through their disagreement.
“I miss you,” Chanyeol says between kisses. “I miss you so fucking much. Please. Please stay.”
Baekhyun kisses him harder. Who cares about words when actions speak louder? He pours all his love and desire into the kiss, hoping to show Chanyeol exactly how much he needs them to be okay once again.
Their gasps are loud when they pull back. He feels energized, like he’s finally able to breathe right, and his chest is no longer an empty cavity but a tiny sun lit up by Chanyeol that spreads warmth through his body.
Baek cradles his husband’s face, holding him there so he can look at him. There are shadows still over Chanyeol’s eyes. “What are you so afraid of?”
Chanyeol hugs him close, his body slightly trembling and it breaks Baekhyun’s heart that he’s the reason for this anguish. “I don’t want to be like my parents,” he whispers. “I don’t want my kid to wonder all day long, every week, where his appa is. I don’t want to be so busy with work that I miss all the important steps in our child’s life. I want to be a part of her life.”
Baekhyun hugs him, smoothing his hands down Chanyeol’s back to soothe him. “Then take less work. Come home early.” He pulls back slightly, to look him in the eye. “Baby, we can do this. I know we can.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “I…I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun swallows his tears and wriggles until Chanyeol sets him down. Chanyeol is apologizing, but he’s not changing his mind. He never will. It’s better if he just stays away then. “I’m sorry too.” He grabs the fallen suitcase, opens it, and starts throwing clothes inside.
“Baek, please…just hear me out.” Chanyeol’s voice is rough. “I need to tell you something. Baek, give me a sec-”
“Why aren’t you at work?” Baekhyun says, pushing for a distraction.
“I-I took a day off,” Chanyeol says, sounding vaguely confused by the change of topic.
Now that he thinks about it, Chanyeol is in casual clothes. He has his ‘handyman’ jeans on, the ones that are ragged and splattered with paint. “What are you even doing?”
Chanyeol sighs. “I’m remodeling the game room. It’s for-”
“That’s…that’s great Yeol,” Baekhyun says. He zips up the suitcase, and looks again at his husband. “I hope you’re happy with your games and your job.”
“Games? Baek, that’s not-”
“Goodbye.” Baekhyun moves away before the first tear falls.
Chanyeol grabs his arm and pulls him to a full stop. “Stop running, dammit! I have something to say.”
Baekhyun glares. “Then say it! Say it and finish breaking my heart, Yeol!”
Chanyeol blinks once, twice, and then he grins. The giant idiot dares to grin at him. “Baek, calm down.”
Baekhyun wants to punch the smile off his gorgeous face. “Let me go. This is not a Korean drama.”
His husband chuckles and releases him, putting his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I just…let me talk.”
They take a seat on opposite corners of their bed, facing each other. The distance between them is all too real now, so Baekhyun scoots a bit closer while Chanyeol runs a hand through his messy hair, making it stand up in all directions even more.
His husband takes a deep breath and says, “I love you.”
Baekhyun’s heart trips all over itself. He opens his mouth to speak, but Chanyeol holds up a hand.
“I love you,” he says again, his voice stronger, deeper, surer of itself. “I knew you and I belonged together since the moment I saw you in that café outside of college. You’re my best friend, my lover, my only family. The two of us…we’re so good together that changing any aspect of our relationship scares me to death. This is just another reason why I didn’t want a baby. I also told you I was afraid of following in my father’s footsteps, that I wouldn’t have time, and that it was too much for me. I’m so sorry.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes. Maybe that way Chanyeol won’t see the hurt rising inside of him, because this is his fault. Maybe when he opens them again, the past months will have been nothing but a bad dream. He’d pushed Chanyeol into a hard corner, had hurt him, the one person in this world who understood him completely. “I’m sorry I pushed you,” he says. “I’m sorry I made you into the bad guy. I just…I just wanted our family to grow. I wanted to have a big family again so bad that I blinded myself to anything else. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you.”
“Baek…Baek, look at me,” Chanyeol says.
Baekhyun feels the bed dip, and fingers cup his cheek. He opens his eyes and stares at his husband, who gives him a soft smile.
“I know you canceled the adoption papers,” Chanyeol says.
He doesn’t even know how his husband knows, but it unravels something within him. “I didn’t want to do it without you. It’s not the same without you.”
“Well, just so you know,” Chanyeol says, “it totally sucks without you, too.”
Baekhyun chuckles and grabs Yeol’s hand. “I hate this fight.”
Chanyeol brings their foreheads together. “I hate it, too.”
“Forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
They stay like that breathing steadily, drinking in each other’s presence and letting it start to heal some of the hurt.
“Baekhyun.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not afraid anymore,” Chanyeol says, brushing his thumb under Baekhyun’s eye to catch the slowly dripping tear.
Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m not afraid, because I have you.” Chanyeol smiles. “And together we can do anything. We graduated, we survived our families’ rejection, we got married, we made a life together. We had our first huge fight and I think we’re doing an awesome job on surviving it.” Baekhyun snorts at this. “Sweetheart, I think we’re more than ready to have a baby.”
Baekhyun stops breathing. He must’ve heard wrong. “W-What? What did you just say?”
Chanyeol smiles again, his big, dopey smile that made Baekhyun fall for him so hard when they first met. “You heard me.”
“I…I don’t….”
“Come.” Chanyeol jumps from the bed and takes his hand. “Let me show you something.”
His husband drags him all the way to their game room. The door is closed and Chanyeol insists Baekhyun put a hand over his eyes and not peek. “I swear to god, Yeol, if you are remodeling the game room to put in those gamer seats you wanted-”
“Just shut up and close your eyes,” Chanyeol says.
Baekhyun does as he’s told and allows Chanyeol to pull him inside. A few seconds pass before his husband says its okay to look, and when he opens his eyes, Baekhyun’s world comes to a full stop.
The walls of the game room are a vivid yellow like the fluffy feathers of a baby duck. It seems to be the theme of the room. There’s a crib with a duckling and flowers print blanket, and a duckling mobile hanging over it. There are duckling stuffed animals of different sizes and materials and a duckling pillow on a rocking chair. The changing table has duckling decals on each drawer and a duckling nightlight attached to the power outlet beside it.
Baekhyun approaches the frame above it, which upon closer inspection contains Baekhyun’s old copy of The Ugly Duckling. His favorite book as a kid. He presses a hand against his chest and the pressure that has built there as he gazed around the nursery.
He can’t believe Chanyeol did this.
This has to be a dream.
“Do you like it? Is it too much ducks or too much yellow?”
Baekhyun chokes on a sob. “No…It’s…It’s perfect.”
Chanyeol walks behind him, pressing his strong chest against Baekhyun’s back. He wraps his strong arms around Baekhyun’s middle, and whispers, “Do you like our baby’s room?”
Baekhyun turns in Chanyeol’s arms, goes up on his tiptoes, and kisses his husband. “Mina will love it.”
❤ Two Years Later ❤
Chanyeol breathes in the clean summer air and grins as the meat strips and sausages sizzle over the hot grill. Jongin comes out through the screen door with a plate of veggies on sticks, and together they settle them over the second grill.
“Ah~ Look at us,” Jongin says. “Young-ish, successful, married to the loves of our lives and fathers to the cutest baby girls in the whole planet. We are living the life.”
Chanyeol pats his best friend’s back and pulls him in for a one-armed hug. “I know, man. We are the luckiest.”
“Yeol! Is the meat ready?” Baekhyun calls from inside. “We are starving here!”
“Be right there!”
Jongin snickers. “Lucky and so whipped.”
“Jongin! Could you get Sooah’s Pororo from the car?” Kyungsoo yells. “I think she left it in the car seat.”
Chanyeol laughs as he takes the cooked meat into a plate. “Apparently, I’m not the only one.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jongin leaves with a huge smile. If he’s anything like Chanyeol, there’s nothing that makes him happier than doing stuff for their baby girls or their husbands.
When Chanyeol goes inside, he finds Kyungsoo in the kitchen preparing the side dishes. “Put that on the table, please? And have Jongin check on the veggies, he tends to burn them.”
“You just told him to find the Pororo doll in the car.”
“What? Oh, yeah.” Kyungsoo keeps chopping stuff. “Then you do it.”
Chanyeol shakes his head and smiles. He’ll never understand how Jongin fell for the bossiest man on the planet. Figuring he has another five minutes before anything burns on the grill, he sneaks into the living room to find Baek sitting with the girls.
“Food’s almost ready.” Chanyeol goes to his husband and kisses the top of his head, before sitting down beside him.
Baekhyun grins at him. “Mina looks so happy playing with Sooah,” he says in that deceptively sweet voice he uses whenever he’s about to enlist Chanyeol into something he wants.
“Uh, yeah, she does.” Chanyeol slides an arm around Baekhyun’s waist, not sure yet where the trap is. “We should invite them over more often.”
“That or…we could get Mina a brother,” Baekhyun says.
Chanyeol’s jaw drops. “B-Baek-”
His husband scrambles onto his knees. “Hear me out before you say no! We’ve been doing so well with Mina, and I know there’s a lot ahead of us still, but…don’t you want a baby brother for her? Someone who will protect her from the a-holes that come her way when she grows up?”
“But that’s what I’m here for! I’m the dad,” Chanyeol whines.
Baekhyun laughs. “Yes, you are. But who do you think Mina’s going to trust more, her old man who has been laying down the rules or her brother who helps her sneak out and do all kinds of mischief?”
Chanyeol shakes his head, scandalized. “She’s going to sneak out?”
Baekhyun slaps him on the arm. “This is just hypothetical. Focus, Yeol. Don’t you want Mina to have someone when we’re no longer here for her?”
Chanyeol sighs. “I guess you’re right.”
“Is that a yes?”
Before Chanyeol can answer, Sooah starts to cry. The reason becomes clear when they see Mina with a fistful of Sooah’s hair in her tiny hand.
“Mina, don’t pull Soo-soo’s hair,” Baekhyun says, grabbing his daughter around her waist and pulling her up onto his lap. “You have to play nice or she won’t be your friend.”
Kyungsoo pokes his head into the room, a bowl of something held tight under his arm as he mixes with his other hand. “It’s fine, Baek. That’s how kids make friends.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Sooah threw a block at Hannie’s head the other day,” Kyungsoo says. “You should’ve seen Sehun panicking over it, saying that Luhan was going to kill him when he returned with one damaged kid. It wasn’t even that big of a bump.”
Baekhyun laughs nervously and makes a mental note to keep a closer eye when Mina plays with Sooah. They were only a year apart, but at three years old Sooah is bigger than Mina by quite a bit. Though recent events showed Mina could take care of herself.
Jongin comes in with the Pororo doll and gets his daughter to calm down. Baekhyun sits Mina by Sooah’s side, and makes her apologize by giving a kiss to her friend. Jongin gets yelled at by Kyungsoo for not watching the veggies at the grill, and the poor man leaves before his husband throws something at his head, like a spatula-which has happened before-or a fork.
Still on the floor, Baekhyun settles against Chanyeol’s chest.
“So…about that brother,” Chanyeol says. “He’s going to protect her, right? Even from other babies?”
His husband’s laugh is full and rich, and it sings through Chanyeol’s veins when Baekhyun turns and kisses him.
Chanyeol blushes hard. “Baby, please…the girls are here.”
Recipient: EVERYONE
Title: Baby, Please
Word Counts: 8.9k
Side Pairing(s): KaiSoo, mentioned!HunHan
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): a bit of angst
Disclaimer:The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Kids have always been a huge issue in their relationship and Baekhyun is more than ready to take the next step forward…but Chanyeol is not.
Author's Note: I hope I did your prompt justice and I hope you like it kyakou! Also, many many thanks to everyone who helped me get this story done <3
❀ April ❀
The front door chimes open, and Baekhyun lets go of his fork. He stands just as Chanyeol comes into the kitchen and receives him with a clingy hug and a sweet kiss. He tries to keep his excitement under control, but fails when his husband hugs back extra hard, making him squeal. Chanyeol releases him and takes a seat at the table.
Baekhyun hurries and brings him a plate of lasagna after reheating it in the microwave, then sits across from him. “I have to tell you something,” he says after a small pause. He’s been dying to share the story since this morning.
Chanyeol pauses eating and reaches for Baekhyun’s hands across the table. He leans forward with a smile, giving his full attention. “What is it?”
“Kyungsoo called.”
“Really?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows quirk up. “Where the heck have he and Jongin been?”
Baekhyun shakes his head quickly, bouncing a bit on his seat. “It’s not where they have been, but what they were doing!”
Chanyeol tilts his head.
“They were adopting a baby!” Baekhyun laughs. “The sneaky bastards didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t happen. But they got the okay and all the papers went through. Chanyeol…they got the cutest little girl ever. Soo emailed me some pictures and she is a tiny little doll.”
Chanyeol beams. “That’s so great! They’ve been wanting to do this for so long. I’m so happy for them.”
“I know, right? It’s such a blessing for them.” Baekhyun grips his husband’s hand harder. This is the hard part, now. Breathe, Baek. “I…I asked Soo for the name of the agency they used. I thought we could maybe look into it. Just…you know, to see.”
Chanyeol lets go of his hands, his face going carefully blank. “Baek...could we not do this tonight.”
Baekhyun’s heart plummets. Oh, please, please. Let him just listen tonight. “I-I’m just saying,” he settles his hands onto his lap so they don’t look so empty on top of the table, “if those two workaholics can do it, then you and I-”
“Baek, please.” Chanyeol runs a hand down his face and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m tired. I have a headache coming on. And I’m really not up for this argument. I promise we can discuss it at length another day, yeah?”
Baek swallows. He hates to push Chanyeol like this, but he’s learned that sometimes his husband needs a little shove to get out of his big stubborn head. “Listen, I know how you feel. But I think when you go with me and see them-”
Deep wrinkles appear between his husband’s brows. “Go with you where?”
“T-To the agency,” Baekhyun says, wringing his hands. Maybe it had been too forward of him, but what harm can it do? Maybe if Chanyeol sees the babies, he’ll change his mind. “I sort of set up an appointment with them. I was so excited that I called right away, and the lady was so nice to invite us for a tour, a-a preview.”
Chanyeol groans and raises both hands to cover his face. “Baek….”
There’s a knot steadily forming in his throat. “If you would only give this a chance.”
“Baekhyun….”
The knot bursts. “I just don’t understand why! Why can’t we have a baby?”
Chanyeol gets up, his chair scratching along the floor. He doesn’t scream, but his voice takes a hard edge that slices at Baekhyun all the same. “I work all day long, six sometimes seven days a week. When I come home, I like to return to you and the comfort of my home. Not a screaming baby, which will turn into a demanding toddler and later into a rebellious teen. I can’t handle that right now.” He raises a hand, stalling Baekhyun’s next words. “And though I know you can, you shouldn’t be made to handle it alone.”
“But I want to! Don’t you see?” Baekhyun stands and goes to Chanyeol, gripping his neatly pressed shirt. “I want to do all that. I want to be sleepless because our baby kept me up all night. I want to be amused at our toddler’s demands. And I want to be angry and yet secretly proud of our teen. I want to be a parent. Why don’t you?”
“Because...because I...I don’t.” Chanyeol settles his hands over Baekhyun’s. A weary sigh rattles his chest and his eyes look sadder than Baekhyun’s ever seen them. “You knew that when we got married. You knew. Why are you making me feel guilty about it now?”
“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Baek says, releasing his grip and smoothing his hands over his husband’s chest. “I want you to give this idea a chance. We’ve been married for almost five years now. We’ve known each other for almost twice as long. I think it’s time our family grew, Yeol. I want you to not dismiss it just because you’re afraid.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s not about fear, Baek. I just…can’t. If you wanted kids you should’ve married Sehun. Look at how many kids he and Luhan have now. Is it five or six?”
Baekhyun stiffens and pulls away. “You are such a jerk Park Chanyeol.”
His husband sighs. “I didn’t mean that. It was just a joke-”
“Everything is a joke to you.” Baekhyun leaves the kitchen and races upstairs to lock himself in the master bathroom. He turns on the shower and lets the water run. He slides down onto the marble floor and grips his knees tightly to his chest.
Baekhyun just wants a big family, like the one he once had and was rejected from when he came out. Chanyeol rescued him then, gave him hope, love, a new start. Chanyeol became his new family. But Baekhyun’s heart is greedy, constantly craving to give and receive love, and after years of being just the two of them, he is ready for more.
If only Yeol was willing to try….
Hot tears start to fall as the bathroom mirror fogs up.
❦ May ❦
Chanyeol climbs the short steps up to the entrance, ignores the doorbell-he sort of broke it on the first day from pressing too hard and too fast-and bangs on the navy door. This has been his routine for the past three weeks, so he’s not surprised when his heavy knocking goes unanswered. Chanyeol waits some minutes and knocks again, harder and longer.
This goes on for some time as it always does.
Chanyeol keeps doing it until the sun goes down and the porch lamp lights up. Only then, does he slide his hands into his pockets and make his way down the steps.
“Chanyeol, wait!”
He looks up to see Jongin half-out the door, battling to put on his jacket while holding onto the leashes of three very excitable toy poodles. “Soo, honey! I’m going to walk the puppies!”
Once he untangles himself, Jongin meets Chanyeol on the sidewalk. His friend eyes him from head to toe, and sighs. “Let’s go for a walk.”
This is new. Neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin have come out or acknowledged his knocks before. Well, except that time when Soo stormed out and threw water in his face. To be fair, he deserved it for arriving drunk and making a ruckus. Not one of his brightest moments, but at least he’d caught a glimpse of Baekhyun’s face hiding behind the door. Eyes red and swollen, dressed in his favorite pajamas, but in a house that wasn’t theirs. In a place Chanyeol wasn’t allowed to enter, he couldn’t go to his husband and hold him tight to comfort him. That, more than the ice-cold water dripping down his face, had sobered Chanyeol right up.
“How are you doing, buddy?” Jongin asks as he leads them to a nearby park.
“I am nothing without him,” Chanyeol says, and it’s the truth. He’s fought for Baekhyun and along Baekhyun, but never with Baekhyun. Never this big. It’s making him crazy. “The house feels empty, my days feel hollow. I can’t sleep, can’t concentrate on work, have zero appetite. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Maybe it’s time to let go,” Jongin says.
Chanyeol stops walking and glares. “How can you even suggest that? You know what Baek and I have been through. Do you think I’ll just give him up that easily?”
Jongin smiles. “Of course not. I only wanted to see if you had any fighting spirit left.”
“I won’t stop fighting. Ever.” Chanyeol resumes walking. “And I’m sorry, but I won’t stop knocking on your door until he comes out and talks to me.”
“I know,” Jongin says. “Kyungsoo knows, too, even if he gets grumpy about it. Though the grumpiness comes from lack of sleep. Sooah still doesn’t sleep through the night.”
Sooah, Kyungsoo and Jongin’s one year old, has been all the talk between their friends. Unfortunately, Chanyeol hasn’t had the chance to meet her, what with him being banned from the Kim house. “How is she?”
“Oh my god, Yeol. She is wonderful!” Jongin’s grin could eclipse the moon. “The other day she managed to climb out of the pen we have in the living room and we found her snuggled with Monggu on his doggy bed.”
The image is so precious that Chanyeol can’t help but grin. “Did Soo freak out?”
Jongin laughs. “Totally.”
They keep walking around the park as the night gets chillier. The puppies do their business and Jongin picks the little messes up in paper baggies he then throws out in the nearest trashcan. To give the puppies a break, they sit on a bench and let the poodles play around their ankles.
“You really won’t even consider the idea of children?” Jongin asks.
Chanyeol sighs. “I work eight to nine most days. I get home to eat, sleep, and talk to Baek about his day. The weekends are reserved just for us, to keep our marriage alive. If we add a kid into the mix…Baek would basically have to raise the boy or girl on his own. He would grow to resent me for not being there, and it wouldn’t be long until the serious fights started.”
“Yeol…you and Baek are not your parents,” Jongin says, scratching Monggu’s head. “You two have been together for so long and overcome so many things. This is just another challenge.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. Just thinking about it makes his heart heavy. He’s not cut out to be a father, not yet, and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. “I just…I don’t think we can.”
“Meaning you don’t think you can?” Jongin says, nudging him on the shoulder. He turns his attention to Jjangah and Jjanggu who are now fighting to be petted too. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
Chanyeol picks up Jjangah and settles her on his lap, running his fingers over her short white curls.
“I didn’t think I could either,” Jongin says, once he’s let the other two pups go. “Remember that time I invited you camping?”
Chanyeol nods. “And we got so drunk that we not only grilled the fish we caught, but also the vegetables, the marshmallows, and-”
“Everything we could find! Yes!” Jongin laughs and Jjanggu jumps onto his lap. He pets him. “Kyungsoo and I had a huge fight that time and I needed to get out of the house. We fought about adoption.”
Chanyeol pulls back, eyes opening wide. Even before those two got married, kids had always been on the table. Kyungsoo used to joke that Jongin was more than qualified since he had three kids of his own already-the pups. “You never told me.”
“It’s okay. You were there for me even if you didn’t know I needed you,” Jongin says. “It was actually because of something you said that I finally went back and settled things with Soo. You said, ‘The only thing that could ever come between you two is a baby, and only because it would complete you as a family.’”
“I-I said that?” He’d blacked out most of that night. They’d really been shitfaced drunk.
Jongin rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did.” The puppies are getting restless, yipping and whining, wanting to go back home where it’s warm, so Jongin stands. “Yeol, the truth is, you won’t know what kind of parent you are until you’re there actually being a parent.”
Chanyeol pouts. He hated when Jongin went all wise man on his ass. “I don’t want to screw up a kid’s life.”
“You’re a great friend, Yeol. The best,” Jongin says. “I think you’d make an awesome dad.”
Chanyeol clears his throat and stands. Jongin has always been there for him. All through his freaking out about liking boys, to confronting his parents about it, to freaking out again when he met Baekhyun. That his friend still believes he could make a great dad means something. He claps Jongin on the shoulder.
“Why don’t you drop by the house tomorrow?” Jongin says. “I’ll talk to Kyungsoo about not murdering you and letting you talk to Baek.”
Chanyeol grins. “Thanks, man.”
His friend’s encouraging words go around in his head as he heads home, but even then, he can’t fight back the paralyzing thought of having a child of his own. He doesn’t want to be a screw up father or a shitty husband like his own father had been. Yet it seems that whatever decision he makes will lead to one of those two options.
If only Baek would see my side….
❦ May ❦
The door is a vivid orange color decorated with so many kids’ drawings that only the border around the glass window shows the true paint underneath. The woman giving him the tour, a Ms. Yeun, motions him with one hand to approach the viewing window.
Baekhyun takes a deep breath and steps closer to the door. His heart does an odd little ba-ba-dump when he glimpses the scene inside. There are toddlers everywhere: sitting on chairs and drawing, sprawled on the floor with building blocks, and playing with toy cars on puzzle-shaped floor mats. They’re tiny and adorable and so full of energy.
A laugh bubbles out of his chest at the thought that any one of them could be his, but he sobers up quickly. The only reason he is here is because he forgot to cancel the appointment. With all the moving out ordeal and the tense encounters with Yeol-yeah, Kyungsoo had let him in and, yeah, he and his husband were talking again-Baekhyun had completely erased it from his mind. Until the adoption agency called his cell during lunch today, to remind him of the visit.
Baekhyun swallows to clear his throat, and hopes none of his burdens come through when he opens his mouth next. “A-Are they the youngest ones?”
“We keep the babies in a separate area,” Ms. Yeun says, her voice soothing and even. She starts leading the way down the hall.
Baekhyun pulls away slowly, his hand still on the glass window. Chanyeol should be here with him. They’ve been talking every day over the phone, but Baekhyun still refuses to move back. He’s afraid that if he gives in so easily, his husband will just forget his promise to consider the possibility of a baby. No. For now, it is better this way.
However, coming here without Chanyeol feels…wrong. Maybe he should’ve rescheduled. Maybe he should’ve called Chanyeol. A lot of maybes and what ifs.
Ms. Yeun stops at another door, a soft turquoise one, free of drawings. This time she holds it open.
Baek hesitates at the threshold.
“It’s all right, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says. “Come on in. Most of them are asleep.”
The babies are mostly asleep, looking like little cherubs with their round, rosy cheeks and tiny hands and feet. They’re all so precious, that for a moment he feels overwhelmed, a heavy pressure settling over his chest.
Chanyeol is not here. And it feels so wrong standing there alone, that Baekhyun wants to run out before he starts to sob. There’s an oncoming wave of panic threatening to drown him, but then one baby catches his eye.
The name on her crib reads Mina. She has a purple onesie with little sheep on the front, and she is not asleep. Mina looks at him with big brown eyes, a gaze that reaches all the way into his heart and squeezes it. Breath goes out of him in a big exhale and he smiles at the little angel. When he steps closer, she raises her little arms and waits to be picked up.
“Can I?” Baekhyun asks.
Ms. Yeun nods. “You can.”
Baekhyun picks up baby Mina, careful to support her head and body. He cradles her against his chest and she yawns wide, opening and closing her tiny fists. Her eyes focus on him again and he smiles. She gurgles happily and the sound makes his heart burst. She’s the most perfect thing he’s ever laid eyes on.
There’s a tight knot forming in his throat, so he tries to breathe through it and calm down. It wouldn’t do to upset the baby.
“You mentioned a husband, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says, looking at the folder in her hands. “He didn’t come for the appointment?”
“Yes, I-I-He just…” Baekhyun coos at Mina, giving his brain time to come up with an excuse. “He recently got a promotion and has a lot of work.”
Ms. Yeun looks at him over the rim of her glasses. “Mr. Byun…we do accept single parent adoptions, but I have to warn you that it might take longer. Couple adoptions take priority, you see.”
“I understand.” Baekhyun says, bouncing a bit on his heels, still staring at the baby. He wills his eyes to stay dry. “Yeol has just been really busy with work lately. He’s doing extra hours. We’re saving up money for the baby.” Or at least, he’s been saving up his freelance money for the baby.
“Ah, that sounds lovely,” Ms. Yeun says. “Then I hope to meet him next time.”
This is why Baekhyun hates to lie. How is he going to get Chanyeol to come to the next meeting? He promised to be understanding and give him a break, but now with baby Mina in his arms, he feels his resolve crumbling. What if Yeol never changed? What if years passed and it was still just the two of them? Baekhyun had never considered being a single parent, but if things didn’t work out….
“There are still a couple of details we need to go over,” Ms. Yeun says, bringing him back from his thoughts.
That’s his cue to put the baby down in her crib. But he doesn’t want to. Mina is waving her hands excitedly at him and his heart is breaking into pieces. Chanyeol would love her. He is certain of it.
He has to make things work between them. He has to.
“Five more minutes?” Baek begs, his voice choked up.
☀ June ☀
Baekhyun turns off the ignition and sits in the quiet of his car for a moment. He’s still living out of his suitcase in Kyungsoo and Jongin’s guestroom. He’s also become Sooah’s unofficial nanny as repayment to his friends for taking him in. But even with friends by his side and a baby to brighten his afternoons, Baek still feels a bleakness taking over his life. It’s the absence of something vital, someone whom Baek doesn’t dare admit out loud that he misses for fear of breaking down.
They’re still talking every day, but it feels as if their arguments go around in circles. Baekhyun says he wants a baby, Chanyeol talks about his fears, Baekhyun assures him they’ll make it, Chanyeol wants to believe…but doesn’t. The second appointment with the adoption agency is coming up soon, and Baekhyun doesn’t know what he’ll say if Ms. Yeun brings up single parent adoption again.
Baekhyun sighs and gets out of the car before his thoughts become too morose. Using the spare key Kyungsoo and Jongin gave him, he opens the door and walks in.
“I’m home!” He leaves his shoes in the closet by the front door and makes his way to the open kitchen and living room area. Jongin is waiting for him there, looking all sorts of guilty.
The reason becomes clear when Baekhyun sees the person sitting on the living room couch.
Chanyeol.
Except for his eyes, which are wide and slightly panicked, his husband sits completely at ease with Sooah in his arms. The girl is playing with a Pororo plushie that is half as big as her. He’s so good with kids and he can’t even see it.
Baekhyun smiles politely, clamps a hand around Jongin’s arm, and drags him out of earshot. “What is he doing here?” he hisses.
“I think it’s time you and your husband talk things out face to face,” Jongin says massaging the area where Baekhyun grabbed him.
Except for the daily phone call, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had decided to keep clear of each other until they resolved this issue. Time away meant cooler tempers and clearer heads. Plus, they both knew their defenses would be completely destroyed the moment they saw each other. Hell, just to see the agonized look in Chanyeol’s eyes right now was making Baekhyun want to pack his bags and go home.
He glares hard at Jongin. “This is not what we agreed to.”
“It’s been three months,” Jongin fires back. “Someone had to step in.”
“You had no right to interfere,” Baekhyun says as he steps closer, toe-to-toe.
Jongin snorts. He presses a finger against Baek’s forehead and pushes him back. “Pfft! Be glad I didn’t follow Kyungsoo’s advice. He suggested I lock you two up in a room and throw away the key.”
Baekhyun swallows. Kyungsoo would, he so would.
“Besides,” Jongin says, “what if Yeol has something to tell you, but can’t do it over the phone? Have you ever thought about that?”
Baekhyun sighs. “Unless he’s here to tell me he’s willing to consider the future growth of our family, then he has no business being here.”
Jongin crosses his arms. “Hyung, you’re being unreasonable.”
“I thought you were on my side,” Baekhyun whispers, even as his heart beats faster at the thought of talking to his husband directly again. He’s doing this. He wants this.
“I’m on nobody’s side.”
“Traitor.”
“You’re being childish,” Jongin says.
“And you’re being an idiot!”
Sooah starts crying then. Jongin narrows his eyes at Baekhyun and leaves to pick up his baby from Chanyeol’s arms. He bounces her softly and settles her against his chest. “There, there Soo-soo. Uncle Baek is just being a stubborn duckling as always. He didn’t mean to scare you.”
Baekhyun walks over and kisses Sooah’s little hand. “Sorry, baby.”
“Talk to him,” Jongin says, pulling away. “I’ll be in the nursery.”
The silence is deafening once Jongin and Sooah are gone. Baekhyun can hardly stand it, but he refuses to break under Chanyeol’s pleading gaze. This is exactly why they’d banned meetings. He takes a seat on the chair across from the sofa and tries to keep himself from shattering to pieces.
Baekhyun’s smile is tight; not fake, just hesitant. “Hey, I thought we said…I mean…Why are you here?”
“It’s good to see you, too,” Chanyeol answers softly. “I came because I want you to come back home, Baek. I miss you.”
Baekhyun’s heart lurches. He wants to go back home. He wants to go back to Chanyeol. But he also wants to know their future includes a baby or the possibility of one. Maybe he’s looking for a reaction, a hint to see if Chanyeol’s stance has changed. Whatever it is, something pushes him to say, “Remember that appointment at the adoption agency? The one I told you about the night I…the night I left? I went to see them. By myself.”
It takes a moment for his husband to react. “You did what?”
“I went there some weeks ago to meet with the woman reviewing our case. And to see the babies,” Baek says, noticing how his husband’s nostrils flare, eyes widening. He hasn’t changed. Even after all their talks, everything is still the same. Baekhyun wants to run away again from the harsh truth, so he grips the chair’s armrests and holds.
Chanyeol leans forward, elbows on his thighs. “Baek, how could you-we’re still talking about this. I told you. I-I’m not ready for this.”
Baekhyun swallows and keeps talking. If he’s talking, then he’s not crying. “You seemed to be doing really well with Sooah.”
“That’s…different.” Chanyeol runs his fingers through his hair.
“It’s not that different,” Baekhyun says. “I’ve been taking care of her in the afternoons. It’s fun, rewarding, and very exhausting. Most days I am so tired that I fall asleep while working! It’s a lot of responsibility, I get it now. But…” he leans forward, eyes intent on his husband “I still want to try, Yeol. I still want a baby.”
Chanyeol bites his lip. “Baek…I….”
He’s going to say no.
Baekhyun doesn’t want to hear the words. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s…okay. But I’m going forward with the adoption.”
“Y-You…you can’t!” Chanyeol stands and goes to kneel in front of him. He doesn’t touch him, however. “Don’t do this. You’re forcing me into something I don’t want to do. We need to settle this. We need to figure this out, and I know that we can. Baek, we’ve been through so much. Just let us figure this out, sweetheart. Wait and let me figure this out.”
Baekhyun’s laugh comes out as a half-sob. “It’s what you’ve said over and over again. I’m tired of hoping you’ll change your mind. I want a family, Yeol. A big family like the one I had. And nothing would make me happier than to do this with you. But if you can’t,” He stands, forcing his husband back, “then I won’t force you to be a part of this.”
Hurt slices in Chanyeol’s eyes. “W-What?”
“I won’t ask you anymore,” Baekhyun says as calm as he can, even as his insides crumble and turn to dust. Chanyeol’s not ready for this, and perhaps he never will be. “I’ll do this on my own. The adoption center gave me the option to change the documents for single parent adoption, and I think I’ll take it.”
After the offer was made, he’d left the agency, doubled over and puked on the sidewalk. That day, the thought of going at it alone had made him nauseous. But after holding Mina, after seeing no change in his husband, after crying himself to sleep for so long, he’s decided.
Chanyeol goes completely white. “You can’t do this alone! I-I won’t allow it.”
Can’t do this? Won’t allow?
“Watch me,” Baekhyun growls out. He storms out of the room and runs into Jongin as he’s dashing into the guestroom.
Jongin and Sooah stare at him with wide eyes. “How did it go?”
“You suck.” Baekhyun throws the door closed.
☼ July ☼
The three story high building is like an ominous presence looming over Chanyeol as he stands by the entrance. For the past twenty minutes, he’s been trying to dig up an ounce of courage so he can open up the door and go inside.
He has to do this.
If he wants his marriage to survive and if he wants his husband back, Chanyeol has to go inside and give this idea of babies a chance. A real chance. So, after taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Chanyeol walks inside the adoption agency. A secretary leads him to the caseworker that had met with Baekhyun.
“Welcome, Mr. Park.” Ms. Yeun waves him to the chair across her desk. “My secretary tells me you are Mr. Byun’s husband.”
Chanyeol makes a sound of agreement and tries not to look too nervous, though that’s probably useless. He can’t stop tapping his left foot, and he keeps having to drag his hands down his pants to keep them dry.
Ms. Yeun closes her laptop and turns her eyes on him. “I am surprised that you are here, Mr. Park. Last time I met with Mr. Byun he requested a pause on the proceedings. Actually, he wanted to cancel everything, but I suggested he take some time to think things over. Does your visit mean you’ll be going forward with adoption?”
Chanyeol’s pulse jumped and quickened. Baekhyun wanted to cancel? After that whole speech about going at it alone, he hadn’t gone through with it? What did this mean? What did-He had to see Baekhyun. They needed to speak. Now.
He blinks and notices Ms. Yeun. Right. What had she asked? “I…that is…Baekhyun and I, we…He wants the adoption and I...I’m not….” He’s screwing this up big time, so he closes his mouth and tries to breathe.
“How is Mr. Byun?” Ms. Yeun asks, apparently realizing his struggle.
“Baek’s fine. He’s fine.” Chanyeol fixes his tie. Baekhyun is not fine. He’s gone back to avoiding Chanyeol, refusing to see or speak to him. They’re not fine.
Ms. Yeun’s eyes narrow as she stares at him, her polite smile unwavering. “Your husband told me you’ve been extremely busy with work.”
“I have. I was recently promoted to executive director, and have a lot more responsibilities now.” Chanyeol is basically in charge of running his floor, but the perk is he delegates most of the actual work. His hours are flexible too, thought it means carrying a work phone with him everywhere.
“A baby is a big responsibility, too,” Ms. Yeun says.
Chanyeol pads at the sweat gathered on his hairline. “Yes, it is.”
“And you don’t think you can handle both sets of responsibilities,” she says, and it is not a question.
Chanyeol breathes deep. “To be honest, I don’t know,” he says softly. “The idea of a baby scares me to death. They’re so fragile and need care and love and attention. And I’m sure I can give him or her all of that, but…what if I screw up? Baek is so confident we can do this, but what if we can’t?”
“Fear is normal, Mr. Park. It’s healthy to have doubts when you’re about to embark on this parenthood journey,” Ms. Yeun says. “But when you make the final decision, you have to be one hundred percent sure that no matter how afraid you are, you will give it your all to do this job.”
Chanyeol nods. “I understand.”
Ms. Yeun clicks her pen in a fast sequence before putting it down. “Would you like to see her?”
Chanyeol fumbles. He had expected to be dismissed now that he’d shown he wasn’t fit for this parent job. His total disaster of a talk would probably even get his name on some adoption blacklist or something. “H-her?”
“Mina,” Ms. Yeun says. “Your husband was quite taken by her when he came in for the first visit.”
His heart is practically hammering itself out of his chest. Baekhyun had mentioned seeing the kids, but Chanyeol never thought he’d actually interacted with them. Curiosity runs fast through his thoughts. “I-Yes, I would like to see her.”
Chanyeol follows Ms. Yeun as she leads him down the hallways. He peeks into the various rooms they pass-a mess hall, a classroom full of toddlers, a sleeping area, and a nursery.
They go inside this last one.
Chanyeol is so nervous now that his eyes keep darting to the nearest exit, but his feet refuse to move away. Why is he freaking out so hard? They’re just babies.
And his possible future kid.
Glup.
Ms. Yeun picks up a baby from a crib and walks towards him. She hands him the baby and Yeol is ten seconds away from having a panic attack. He looks at the baby girl in his arms and she’s staring back with the most open expression ever. Her eyes blink at him and he blinks back. They stay like that for a moment, simply staring at each other.
It’s similar to that feeling he gets when he holds Sooah in his arms, a feeling of fullness and undiluted joy, but this time it’s multiplied ten-fold. It’s like a fire has lit up inside his chest, melting his frozen insides, and leaving space for something new to grow, to flourish. He pulls the baby closer. “H-Hi, Mina.”
This angel is the one Baekhyun fell in love with, and when she giggles, placing a tiny hand on his cheek, Chanyeol understands why.
“I’m…I think, I’ll be your new papa,” he whispers as his eyes tear up.
☼ July ☼
The café has been their usual hangout for years, and the second booth on the right by the side window is their claimed spot every single time. Over that table, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo have discussed everything from school, to crushes and breakups, sex and kinks, marriage proposals, and babies.
Right now, the discussion is about his husband, Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo has just finished feeding his baby girl-Sooah-and struggles to settle her into the booster seat beside him. “Does Baek know you’re finally willing to consider a baby?”
Chanyeol shakes his head.
“You haven’t told him.” Kyungsoo gives Sooah her pacifier, which she promptly takes and slaps onto the table excitedly. “Why the F haven’t you told him?”
“I’ve tried to,” Chanyeol says. “But each time I speak to him, he gets either all defensive and I can hardly get a word in, or he tears up, I panic and I lose track of what I’m saying.” This has been going on for three weeks now.
“That’s why I told you to tie him to a chair and tape his mouth, otherwise he’ll distract you and not listen,” Kyungsoo says. Sooah burps and he smiles, leaning to kiss her chubby cheeks. He gives her a blankie next and she grabs onto it. Kyungsoo picks his soda glass and takes a drink.
“I’m going to call the agency tomorrow,” Chanyeol says.
Kyungsoo chokes on a piece of ice. “You’ll what?”
“I’ll even go sign the papers if that’s what they need.”
“Yeol...a month ago you weren’t even sure if you wanted to consider the option, you’ve just decided that you do want a kid, and now you’re telling me you’ll sign tomorrow?” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I thought this was about telling Baekhyun that you would consider a baby, not that you were going through with the adoption!”
“I’ll fix things with the agency and then show him how I remodeled the game room into a nursery,” Chanyeol says. “Do you think he’ll take my sorry ass back then?”
“I’m…I…give me a minute.” Kyungsoo drinks all of his soda in one pull and calms down. “What changed your mind?”
“They put her in my arms, Soo,” Chanyeol whispers. “I went to the agency to see her…the baby Baek met. They put her in my arms and I didn’t want to let go. I could actually see us taking care of her.”
Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment, then digs through his baby bag and brings out a tissue. He hands it to Chanyeol. “Have you really changed your mind? Because if you are just doing this to please him or because you’re afraid of being alone-”
“That’s not it. I swear. I want this.” Chanyeol dries his tears and blows his nose. His smile is crooked when he flashes it. “I’m still afraid I’ll screw up, but like everyone’s been telling me, I won’t know if I’m a good parent until I try it, right?”
“Babies are not toys that you can try out and then return if you don’t like them,” Kyungsoo says, his frown really deep. “There’s no try here. There’s only doing.”
“I know. What I meant was that the only reason I was so opposed was because of my fear of doing badly as a parent,” Chanyeol says. “But I’m not afraid when I’m with Baekhyun. I feel like I can take on the world when we’re together. The only thing I fear now is losing him.”
Kyungsoo exhales. “You’re not going to lose him.” He leans forward and pats Chanyeol’s hand. “But if you screw this up again, I will kick your ass.”
✧ August ✧
Baekhyun opens the door, and it’s creepy how empty the space inside feels, when before he would always inhale and feel the warmth and love. Each time it’s more painful than the last; harder to go in, harder to leave. This has been their home for almost ten years, but after four months of being apart, it feels like a shell of what it once was.
Chanyeol called him the night before and asked if he could drop by to talk. They were going to talk. Everyone knew what this meant. They were going to break up. Tonight, Chanyeol would throw in the towel and Baekhyun would be left with nothing for the second time in his life.
The silence of the house gives him no comfort, so Baekhyun goes in search of it.
It’ll still be a half-hour before Chanyeol gets home from work. Baekhyun moves towards their bedroom hoping to find that missing warmth, a hint that their life is still there. But he finds nothing. The bed is carefully made, no clothes strewn about, no hint of Chanyeol even sleeping there. Maybe he’d slept in the guest room. Maybe he’d slept in his office.
Baekhyun goes inside the master closet next. Half of his wardrobe isn’t there, but in a suitcase in Jongin and Kyungsoo’s house. Chanyeol’s side is completely full. He runs his hands over his husband’s suits, the soft materials that molded so easily to Chanyeol’s tall and strong body. In the beginning, Baekhyun’s breath would always stall when he caught a glimpse of Chanyeol in a suit. Sometimes it still did.
He’s going through Chanyeol’s big sweaters, thinking about taking one with him when the inevitable breakup comes when he spies a blue box on the top shelf of the closet, right beside the suitcases. That hadn’t been there the last time. It’s too high for him to reach easily. He jumps and sort of jerks the box until the whole thing along with the suitcases tumbles down. One lands directly on top of his right foot.
“Ow! Shit!” Baekhyun curses and jumps on one foot while holding the other.
“Baek?”
He yells and scrambles back, falling over the suitcase.
“Are you okay?”
“Jeez, Yeol. You scared the hell out of me,” Baekhyun says, still on the floor.
Chanyeol gives him a tiny smile. “Sorry.”
Baekhyun raises his hands and his husband takes them, hauling him up. There’s a tingling sensation left behind when Chanyeol’s fingers leave his own. Baekhyun breathes hard, but that’s the wrong thing to do. Chanyeol’s scent-a mix of spices and his own musk-invades his senses. They’re standing too close and Baekhyun wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around his husband’s waist and bury his face in Chanyeol’s broad chest. Because it will feel like home, and he misses home.
Chanyeol looks down and frowns. “Baek…were you going through my stuff?”
Busted. “I’m sorry, I was just…getting the other suitcase.”
Chanyeol frowns more. “What? Why?”
“I…I needed more clothes. Jongin ruined a couple of my shirts in the washer.” Which was true, anyways.
“Do you want to go?” Chanyeol’s hand covers his cheek.
Baekhyun leans into the touch. “I don’t want to go.”
“Then stay.” Chanyeol lowers and brushes his lips against Baekhyun’s. “Stay with me.”
It’s been so long, that when Chanyeol moves away, his body can’t take it anymore. It’s a magnetic pull that makes Baekhyun grab his husband back and kiss him hard.
Chanyeol whimpers. He circles his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and pulls him up, pressing him hard against the length of his tall body.
Baekhyun wraps his legs around his husband’s waist, clinging to him as they devour each other. They’re drinking in the closeness and filling the cracks created since their break. A break neither of them wanted, but they were too stubborn with their individual wishes to try and work through their disagreement.
“I miss you,” Chanyeol says between kisses. “I miss you so fucking much. Please. Please stay.”
Baekhyun kisses him harder. Who cares about words when actions speak louder? He pours all his love and desire into the kiss, hoping to show Chanyeol exactly how much he needs them to be okay once again.
Their gasps are loud when they pull back. He feels energized, like he’s finally able to breathe right, and his chest is no longer an empty cavity but a tiny sun lit up by Chanyeol that spreads warmth through his body.
Baek cradles his husband’s face, holding him there so he can look at him. There are shadows still over Chanyeol’s eyes. “What are you so afraid of?”
Chanyeol hugs him close, his body slightly trembling and it breaks Baekhyun’s heart that he’s the reason for this anguish. “I don’t want to be like my parents,” he whispers. “I don’t want my kid to wonder all day long, every week, where his appa is. I don’t want to be so busy with work that I miss all the important steps in our child’s life. I want to be a part of her life.”
Baekhyun hugs him, smoothing his hands down Chanyeol’s back to soothe him. “Then take less work. Come home early.” He pulls back slightly, to look him in the eye. “Baby, we can do this. I know we can.”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “I…I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun swallows his tears and wriggles until Chanyeol sets him down. Chanyeol is apologizing, but he’s not changing his mind. He never will. It’s better if he just stays away then. “I’m sorry too.” He grabs the fallen suitcase, opens it, and starts throwing clothes inside.
“Baek, please…just hear me out.” Chanyeol’s voice is rough. “I need to tell you something. Baek, give me a sec-”
“Why aren’t you at work?” Baekhyun says, pushing for a distraction.
“I-I took a day off,” Chanyeol says, sounding vaguely confused by the change of topic.
Now that he thinks about it, Chanyeol is in casual clothes. He has his ‘handyman’ jeans on, the ones that are ragged and splattered with paint. “What are you even doing?”
Chanyeol sighs. “I’m remodeling the game room. It’s for-”
“That’s…that’s great Yeol,” Baekhyun says. He zips up the suitcase, and looks again at his husband. “I hope you’re happy with your games and your job.”
“Games? Baek, that’s not-”
“Goodbye.” Baekhyun moves away before the first tear falls.
Chanyeol grabs his arm and pulls him to a full stop. “Stop running, dammit! I have something to say.”
Baekhyun glares. “Then say it! Say it and finish breaking my heart, Yeol!”
Chanyeol blinks once, twice, and then he grins. The giant idiot dares to grin at him. “Baek, calm down.”
Baekhyun wants to punch the smile off his gorgeous face. “Let me go. This is not a Korean drama.”
His husband chuckles and releases him, putting his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I just…let me talk.”
They take a seat on opposite corners of their bed, facing each other. The distance between them is all too real now, so Baekhyun scoots a bit closer while Chanyeol runs a hand through his messy hair, making it stand up in all directions even more.
His husband takes a deep breath and says, “I love you.”
Baekhyun’s heart trips all over itself. He opens his mouth to speak, but Chanyeol holds up a hand.
“I love you,” he says again, his voice stronger, deeper, surer of itself. “I knew you and I belonged together since the moment I saw you in that café outside of college. You’re my best friend, my lover, my only family. The two of us…we’re so good together that changing any aspect of our relationship scares me to death. This is just another reason why I didn’t want a baby. I also told you I was afraid of following in my father’s footsteps, that I wouldn’t have time, and that it was too much for me. I’m so sorry.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes. Maybe that way Chanyeol won’t see the hurt rising inside of him, because this is his fault. Maybe when he opens them again, the past months will have been nothing but a bad dream. He’d pushed Chanyeol into a hard corner, had hurt him, the one person in this world who understood him completely. “I’m sorry I pushed you,” he says. “I’m sorry I made you into the bad guy. I just…I just wanted our family to grow. I wanted to have a big family again so bad that I blinded myself to anything else. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you.”
“Baek…Baek, look at me,” Chanyeol says.
Baekhyun feels the bed dip, and fingers cup his cheek. He opens his eyes and stares at his husband, who gives him a soft smile.
“I know you canceled the adoption papers,” Chanyeol says.
He doesn’t even know how his husband knows, but it unravels something within him. “I didn’t want to do it without you. It’s not the same without you.”
“Well, just so you know,” Chanyeol says, “it totally sucks without you, too.”
Baekhyun chuckles and grabs Yeol’s hand. “I hate this fight.”
Chanyeol brings their foreheads together. “I hate it, too.”
“Forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
They stay like that breathing steadily, drinking in each other’s presence and letting it start to heal some of the hurt.
“Baekhyun.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not afraid anymore,” Chanyeol says, brushing his thumb under Baekhyun’s eye to catch the slowly dripping tear.
Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m not afraid, because I have you.” Chanyeol smiles. “And together we can do anything. We graduated, we survived our families’ rejection, we got married, we made a life together. We had our first huge fight and I think we’re doing an awesome job on surviving it.” Baekhyun snorts at this. “Sweetheart, I think we’re more than ready to have a baby.”
Baekhyun stops breathing. He must’ve heard wrong. “W-What? What did you just say?”
Chanyeol smiles again, his big, dopey smile that made Baekhyun fall for him so hard when they first met. “You heard me.”
“I…I don’t….”
“Come.” Chanyeol jumps from the bed and takes his hand. “Let me show you something.”
His husband drags him all the way to their game room. The door is closed and Chanyeol insists Baekhyun put a hand over his eyes and not peek. “I swear to god, Yeol, if you are remodeling the game room to put in those gamer seats you wanted-”
“Just shut up and close your eyes,” Chanyeol says.
Baekhyun does as he’s told and allows Chanyeol to pull him inside. A few seconds pass before his husband says its okay to look, and when he opens his eyes, Baekhyun’s world comes to a full stop.
The walls of the game room are a vivid yellow like the fluffy feathers of a baby duck. It seems to be the theme of the room. There’s a crib with a duckling and flowers print blanket, and a duckling mobile hanging over it. There are duckling stuffed animals of different sizes and materials and a duckling pillow on a rocking chair. The changing table has duckling decals on each drawer and a duckling nightlight attached to the power outlet beside it.
Baekhyun approaches the frame above it, which upon closer inspection contains Baekhyun’s old copy of The Ugly Duckling. His favorite book as a kid. He presses a hand against his chest and the pressure that has built there as he gazed around the nursery.
He can’t believe Chanyeol did this.
This has to be a dream.
“Do you like it? Is it too much ducks or too much yellow?”
Baekhyun chokes on a sob. “No…It’s…It’s perfect.”
Chanyeol walks behind him, pressing his strong chest against Baekhyun’s back. He wraps his strong arms around Baekhyun’s middle, and whispers, “Do you like our baby’s room?”
Baekhyun turns in Chanyeol’s arms, goes up on his tiptoes, and kisses his husband. “Mina will love it.”
❤ Two Years Later ❤
Chanyeol breathes in the clean summer air and grins as the meat strips and sausages sizzle over the hot grill. Jongin comes out through the screen door with a plate of veggies on sticks, and together they settle them over the second grill.
“Ah~ Look at us,” Jongin says. “Young-ish, successful, married to the loves of our lives and fathers to the cutest baby girls in the whole planet. We are living the life.”
Chanyeol pats his best friend’s back and pulls him in for a one-armed hug. “I know, man. We are the luckiest.”
“Yeol! Is the meat ready?” Baekhyun calls from inside. “We are starving here!”
“Be right there!”
Jongin snickers. “Lucky and so whipped.”
“Jongin! Could you get Sooah’s Pororo from the car?” Kyungsoo yells. “I think she left it in the car seat.”
Chanyeol laughs as he takes the cooked meat into a plate. “Apparently, I’m not the only one.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jongin leaves with a huge smile. If he’s anything like Chanyeol, there’s nothing that makes him happier than doing stuff for their baby girls or their husbands.
When Chanyeol goes inside, he finds Kyungsoo in the kitchen preparing the side dishes. “Put that on the table, please? And have Jongin check on the veggies, he tends to burn them.”
“You just told him to find the Pororo doll in the car.”
“What? Oh, yeah.” Kyungsoo keeps chopping stuff. “Then you do it.”
Chanyeol shakes his head and smiles. He’ll never understand how Jongin fell for the bossiest man on the planet. Figuring he has another five minutes before anything burns on the grill, he sneaks into the living room to find Baek sitting with the girls.
“Food’s almost ready.” Chanyeol goes to his husband and kisses the top of his head, before sitting down beside him.
Baekhyun grins at him. “Mina looks so happy playing with Sooah,” he says in that deceptively sweet voice he uses whenever he’s about to enlist Chanyeol into something he wants.
“Uh, yeah, she does.” Chanyeol slides an arm around Baekhyun’s waist, not sure yet where the trap is. “We should invite them over more often.”
“That or…we could get Mina a brother,” Baekhyun says.
Chanyeol’s jaw drops. “B-Baek-”
His husband scrambles onto his knees. “Hear me out before you say no! We’ve been doing so well with Mina, and I know there’s a lot ahead of us still, but…don’t you want a baby brother for her? Someone who will protect her from the a-holes that come her way when she grows up?”
“But that’s what I’m here for! I’m the dad,” Chanyeol whines.
Baekhyun laughs. “Yes, you are. But who do you think Mina’s going to trust more, her old man who has been laying down the rules or her brother who helps her sneak out and do all kinds of mischief?”
Chanyeol shakes his head, scandalized. “She’s going to sneak out?”
Baekhyun slaps him on the arm. “This is just hypothetical. Focus, Yeol. Don’t you want Mina to have someone when we’re no longer here for her?”
Chanyeol sighs. “I guess you’re right.”
“Is that a yes?”
Before Chanyeol can answer, Sooah starts to cry. The reason becomes clear when they see Mina with a fistful of Sooah’s hair in her tiny hand.
“Mina, don’t pull Soo-soo’s hair,” Baekhyun says, grabbing his daughter around her waist and pulling her up onto his lap. “You have to play nice or she won’t be your friend.”
Kyungsoo pokes his head into the room, a bowl of something held tight under his arm as he mixes with his other hand. “It’s fine, Baek. That’s how kids make friends.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Sooah threw a block at Hannie’s head the other day,” Kyungsoo says. “You should’ve seen Sehun panicking over it, saying that Luhan was going to kill him when he returned with one damaged kid. It wasn’t even that big of a bump.”
Baekhyun laughs nervously and makes a mental note to keep a closer eye when Mina plays with Sooah. They were only a year apart, but at three years old Sooah is bigger than Mina by quite a bit. Though recent events showed Mina could take care of herself.
Jongin comes in with the Pororo doll and gets his daughter to calm down. Baekhyun sits Mina by Sooah’s side, and makes her apologize by giving a kiss to her friend. Jongin gets yelled at by Kyungsoo for not watching the veggies at the grill, and the poor man leaves before his husband throws something at his head, like a spatula-which has happened before-or a fork.
Still on the floor, Baekhyun settles against Chanyeol’s chest.
“So…about that brother,” Chanyeol says. “He’s going to protect her, right? Even from other babies?”
His husband’s laugh is full and rich, and it sings through Chanyeol’s veins when Baekhyun turns and kisses him.
Chanyeol blushes hard. “Baby, please…the girls are here.”