2014: [LOUD CRYING NOISES] (for EVERYONE)
For: EVERYONE
From: ANONYMOUS until December 30, 2014
Title: [LOUD CRYING NOISES]
Rating: R
Pairing(s)/Focus: Baekhyun/Chen, Baekhyun/Suho
Length: 3,758 words
Summary: Baekhyun gets a sugar daddy, and Chanyeol tweets too much for his own good.
Notes: This is really totally crack. I hope you enjoy!
The summer of 2014 is one of the hottest anyone has ever seen. Both literally and figuratively. It is hot enough to be able to fry beautiful sunny-side-ups out on the pavement, tested and proven by several members of the public who post their findings on Facebook and then celebrate because yay, science! but then weep due to the actually scorching heat. Their tears also hit the ground, sizzle, and turn into vapor. More science. Yay!
It is also the summer that the air-conditioning unit in the flat breaks down. Baekhyun blames everyone but himself. Jongdae blames the fact that Baekhyun had found a dollar on the floor of the kitchen last week and spent it on a soda instead of returning it to its rightful owner (Jongdae) and now karma is paying Baekhyun back for his sins. Chanyeol blames the air-conditioner, and spends ten minutes scolding it, before realising he might have hurt its feelings. He spends another ten minutes petting it, and then another five telling it how well it has served them for the past year.
“Please apologise to the air-conditioning another day,” says Jongdae, lying across the sofa, limbs hanging like limp noodles off the edge. A towel is draped over his face. “Go make yourself useful and get more ice.”
“Can’t,” says Chanyeol glumly, “the ones in the freezer are still 75% water. And all the convenience stores are out of stock.”
“Hey,” says Baekhyun, somewhere in a corner of his room where all he has on is nothing. Which is why he is in his room, and not out in the living room with the other two, despite the fact that it would basically be a blessing for them to be granted the sight of his perfect, naked figure. It’s no secret that the art department totally wanted him for their nude painting class. Well. Baekhyun believes they would have called him eventually. “If we all go without eating, how long will it take for us to raise enough money to fix the air-conditioning?”
“Two months and twelve days,” says Jongdae. “I counted yesterday, while you were out searching for dropped coins on the sidewalk. You desperate fool.”
“Makes loud crying noises!” says Chanyeol, “How are we going to survive the summer?”
“I can’t believe you just said that out loud. How much time do you spend on the internet?”
Chanyeol is too busy typing his sorrows into his latest tweet (@presidentpark: [LOUD CRYING NOISES] WHY IS IT SO HOT TODAY UGHFJGKDF [crying emoji] im going 2 die) to answer that question, and he uselessly flaps a hand at Jongdae instead, his universal signal for either ‘please help me with this assignment,’ ‘come here so I can show you this amazing oppai tentacle monster googirl yuri hentai doujinshi I found on Fakku,’ ‘I seriously need to use the toilet like seriously right now,' or ‘I’m busy tweeting, please try again later.’
It’s probably the fourth one, since Chanyeol isn’t exactly flying off in the direction of the bathroom at the moment.
“You should be asking how much time he spends in real life,” says Baekhyun, walking into the living room. Jongdae screams incoherently and covers his eyes with his hands, despite having the towel already over his face. “I’m wearing pants, okay! Christ, what is wrong with everyone in this house.”
“It’s the heat, I swear to god.” Jongdae pulls the towel off, and glances at Baekhyun, who indeed is (thankfully) wearing boxers. “Everyone’s fucking nuts this week. Jongin and Sehun tried to steal the ice cream freezer from 7-11 two days ago. And Yixing’s been coming to class with ice packs strapped to his... everywhere.”
“Smart man,” comments Baekhyun, “Hey, you know what we need?”
“More ice?” says Chanyeol.
“More money!” says Baekhyun, anime dollar signs flashing in his eyes. “And I have the greatest plan ever!”
“No,” says Jongdae immediately, too accustomed to Baekhyun’s ‘I have a plan’ speeches that never actually turn out as well as Baekhyun makes them seem at first. “The last time we went through with one of your plans, we burned a hole through my mother’s favourite plate and set fire to every single chopstick in the apartment. No more plans.”
“You don’t have to get involved with this one! It’s actually incredibly genius. I almost would credit myself for it, purely for the ingenuity of even taking this idea to adopt as my own, but of course, plagiarism.” Baekhyun puts a hand over his chest dramatically. “As our dear professors always deign to remind us.”
“Yeah, whatever. Get on with it.”
“Have you ever heard the term, sugar daddy?”
Jongdae pauses. “I don’t think I heard that right.”
“Sugar daddy,” says Baekhyun again, “I’m going to go get one.”
“I,” says Jongdae.
“Hold that thought,” says Chanyeol, reaching for his phone again.
(@presidentpark: OOOOOOOOH MY GOD @baektobaek is crazy omf... he wants 2 get a sugar daddy lmAO)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae also why is ur bio still a 40 yr old man lol u are so 2000 and LATE)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark Pls stop tweeting me. I am not ur friend. U do not know me. I am just a man who is living in the forties.)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae u think ur being funny???? m8??? ill fight u)
“We’re in the room,” says Baekhyun, kicking Chanyeol’s phone out of his hands, thanks to his supreme Taekgyeon skills. It lands on the sofa perfectly. Chanyeol makes a loud crying noise, and dives for it. “Anyway, how about it?”
Jongdae considers the idea briefly. “Who would you even get as a sugar daddy?”
“The school’s full of rich kids,” says Baekhyun breezily, and he pulls out a piece of paper. “I made a List!”
“Oh, no,” says Chanyeol, “not a List.”
“Oh, yes,” says Baekhyun triumphantly, “a List. And with this List of Names of Rich Kids I Could Potentially Persuade To Be My Sugar Daddy, I will persevere until I succeed! I will bring peace back to the lands! I will bring back sub-zero temperatures to our apartment! I will reign supreme as Mega Overlord of the Known Universe!”
“Raincheck on that last one,” says Jongdae.
Baekhyun ignores him, and carries on. “Nothing will stop me!”
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek ur late 4 class lol)
Baekhyun screeches. “Why don’t you ever tell me these things in real life? You know I don’t check my phone every waking second of my life like you do!” He runs off to his room to grab his things, before flying out the door, phone in hand.
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae I SAW THAT TWEET UR LIAR KMI JGNODAE)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae FUCK U BOTH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U!!!!!! OMG PROF SH*M IS GOING 2 KILL ME)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae THEN HOW AM I GOING 2 BRING US SUGAR DADDY MONEY!!!! THINK ABT THAT U FUCKERS!!!!!!)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek @presidentpark lol)
To Jongdae and Chanyeol’s extreme surprise, Baekhyun does follow through on his List. He sticks it up on the refrigerator, where they have to suffer through looking at it every single time they reach in to pull out the orange juice. Each day, Baekhyun conducts a series of plans that begins with by stalking each and every one of them after classes, following them as they go about their day.
“It’s not called stalking,” Baekhyun corrects them, matter-of-factly. “It’s called careful secret observation for ulterior purposes.”
“Stalking,” says Jongdae, “right-o. Anyway, have you even asked any of them yet?”
“I have!” says Baekhyun, “So far only twelve people have rejected me!”
“Only twelve! Fantastic,” says Jongdae dryly, “and how many more do you have, twenty-eight?”
“Five, actually.” Baekhyun peruses his List, and squints. “Do you think Kim Minseok would be amenable to the idea of being my sexual patron saint?”
(@presidentpark: i cant believe hes actually doing this l o l)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark DO U HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS HUH?????!?!?!? no??? thats what i THOGUTH)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek /snorts)
“I don’t know why you typed that even though you’re not snorting in real life,” says Baekhyun.
Chanyeol doesn’t spare him a glance, instead moving to check his Livejournal for messages. “Snorts.”
“Anyway,” says Baekhyun, “if Minseok doesn’t say yes, and if Lu Han doesn’t say yes either, and if Taeyeon shoots me down again-”
“But Taeyeon’s a girl,” says Jongdae.
“A sugar mommy is a perfectly reasonable substitute! Anyway, I guess I’ll have to consider my last choice, then, if no one wants to take up this fantastic, amazing, brilliant offer of mine.”
Jongdae pauses. “Oh, god. Please don’t tell me-”
“Yes!” says Baekhyun.
“No!” says Jongdae, almost immediately.
“Why not!”
“It is such a bad idea to go after the resident goody-two-shoes librarian!”
(@presidentpark: ALKJFAKLSJKLASDA SENPAI LIKED MY FIC!!!!!!!!FL KJADLKAO MDLSDKLKDL AKALSKA!!! ! !! ! LKJALALSLKA DE A D)
“Chanyeol!” says Jongdae. “There are more important matters at hand than who commented on your mpreg fic!”
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae br0 how do u kno i wrote an mpreg fic)
“I,” says Jongdae.
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark i)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae LMFAOOOOOO I KNEW U WERE INTO KINKY SHIT LIKE THIS)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark Im blocking U)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae if u block me how am i gonna write u that liyin/you fic u wanted)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark ?)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae got u there)
“God, I hate Chanyeol,” mutters Jongdae, furiously turning his phone off.
Chanyeol cackles, and opens his Google Docs app.
“Wait,” says Jongdae, glancing around, once the furor has ended, “where’s Baekhyun?”
Dramatic music plays in Jongdae’s mind. Oh god. No! Baekhyun’s gone to go ask him!
“No!” says Jongdae, a la Darth Vader style. He runs to the window and peers out. Goddamn, the sun’s still bright as hell today. Not that hell’s bright or anything. He’s pretty sure despite the raging fires that burn all the time down there, hell’s dark as shit. Ah, there we go. Baekhyun’s walking down the pathway, whistling a merry tune as he walks up to someone sitting on a bench.
“What’s so bad about him, anyway?” asks Chanyeol, busy making Jongdae kiss Zhang Liyin in his fic about true love and intrepid romance. He’s going to get a million kudos for this for sure! “He’s got moolah. Isn’t that the point?”
“He’s not even a student! And, well. What if, you know.” Jongdae leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “What if Baekhyun actually ends up doing a number on him?”
Chanyeol stares at him. “A number? What kind of number? Like a number one? I didn’t know Baekhyun was into watersports.”
Jongdae splutters, and gives up.
At that very moment, Baekhyun bursts through the door dramatically, arms outstretched. “Guess who’s just become our main source of income for the unforeseeable future?”
“You!” says Chanyeol.
“Me!” says Baekhyun, “correct! Good job! You’re so smart. I’m so proud. Have a cookie.”
“He actually agreed? Are you for real?”
“Let me tell you,” says Baekhyun, waving a cookie in Jongdae’s direction, “my persuasive skills are incredibly... persuasive.”
“Right,” says Jongdae, “well, it’s still way too hot to function, so I am taking a nap. Thanks for the new cash flow.”
They both watch him pad away. “Huh,” says Baekhyun, “he’s acting weird. Usually he’d be all up in my plans by now, fixing shit.”
“Trying to make sure everything goes well,” agrees Chanyeol, already getting his phone out to tweet about Jongdae’s strange behaviour, and Baekhyun’s competency at scoring sexual partners compared to scoring on his Economics monthly tests.
Baekhyun frowns at Jongdae’s back for a moment, before shrugging. “Anyway. It’s time for me to roll in the money. And the sex. I’ll be back later.” He zips out the door, bag in tow, leaving Chanyeol alone with his electronics.
(@presidentpark: so my flatmate has gone off the deep end)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark what happened)
(@presidentpark: @ladiesman217 bbh got a sugar daddy to pay for our continued survival)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark PFPPFPTOFPPFTPFPDPFLPFPT)
(@presidentpark: @ladiesman217 me 2 sehun, me 2)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @ladiesman217 ur jealous arent u losers)
(@baektobaek: instagram.com/ha9387kasja... econs is shit)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lmao what if prof sh*m sees u then ur dead)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae he doesnt kno my twitter ok)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae WHAT LOL???? DONT LOL ME WHAT THE FUCK DO U MEAN LOL GLDKFLAKA KIM JONGDAE)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@presidentpark: life is so hard w/ these two around)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark no thats just ur boner)
Jongdae holds up his binoculars and squints. If he tries just hard enough, he can make out the outline of the hot-dog stall next to the cafeteria. If he tries a little harder, he can see Yixing attempting to arrange the ice-pack in his pants. If he tries just a little bit harder, he can almost make out the blurry outline of Baekhyun sucking face with Kim Joonmyun against a wall somewhere.
“You got those from Toys R Us,” says Kyungsoo, from where he’s doing his Lit assignment at the kitchen table. “Squinting won’t help at all.”
Jongdae sighs, and tosses them out the window. Below, something like a cat makes a loud screech. Oh, never mind. It’s just Chanyeol. “Was worth a shot.”
“Why are you even trying to creep on Baekhyun and Mr. Kim, anyway?” Kyungsoo pauses, and frowns. “Oh, god. I’m never going to be able to call him Mr. Kim ever again without thinking about what Baekhyun is doing.”
“I can’t believe you even call him Mr. Kim in the first place.”
“It’s better than daddy, if that’s what you mean.”
“Please,” says Jongdae, “I did not need that image at all.”
Kyungsoo snorts. “Bet Baekhyun’s having the time of his life, isn’t he.”
“You think?” Jongdae resumes his suspicious activities. Baekhyun and Joonmyun have disappeared, probably away to Joonmyun’s place. Wherever he lives, anyway. Chanyeol is still convinced that Joonmyun lives in the library, between the 1800s French History and 1900s Italian History stacks. Must make for great lounging material, the thick tomes. Probably not so hygienic, though.
Kyungsoo watches him carefully. “You’re being extremely ex-boyfriend right now, you know that?”
Jongdae splutters. “Okay, for one, we’ve never dated. And secondly, we’ve never dated.”
“Aha!” says Kyungsoo. “But do you want to date him?”
Jongdae pauses.
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark pls come home Immediately. ksoo is bullying Me)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae You are delusional, my friend.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior ur way of typing is delusional. its the modern age now u can leave proper caps in 2003 thanks)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae We’ll see who has the last laugh when your future employers come across your social networking accounts.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior y r we friends)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae Who else would help you with math? Chanyeol?)
They both glance out the window momentarily. Chanyeol is busy making a tower of hotdogs, and is up to number twenty-two. Around him are a bunch of kids cheering him on in a most enthusiastic manner.
“Oh, there we go,” says Kyungsoo, as the tower topples over. “Ten bucks says he’ll eat it.”
“Ten bucks says they’ll eat it,” says Jongdae, referring to the kids.
They both lose. Chanyeol and the kids share an extremely unhygienic meal off the grass.
Jongdae nods wisely. “Of course.”
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae You still haven’t answered my question.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior Lets just drop it bro)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae Hmm.)
"Your friend’s been giving me weird looks,” Joonmyun tells Baekhyun one day, as Baekhyun kisses down his neck. “I think he’s jealous.”
“What, Chanyeol? Think he just wants to steal your wallet.”
Joonmyun chooses to ignore this statement, and chooses instead to tug Baekhyun closer, sliding his palms down Baekhyun’s back. “No, the other one.”
“Jongdae?” says Baekhyun incredulously, palming at Joonmyun’s cock through his pants. Joonmyun bites back a moan. “He wouldn’t.”
“I don’t know,” says Joonmyun, tucking his fingers into the hem of Baekhyun’s jeans, “he did attempt to stare me down yesterday. It was kind of scary. I think he likes you a lot more than you think he does.”
“Oh,” says Baekhyun, because he isn’t really quite sure what to do about this. He settles for shoving Joonmyun down onto his couch, and Baekhyun sweeps away a few folders before seating himself on Joonmyun’s lap. “Let’s not think about that for now.”
“Huh,” says Joonmyun, but all thoughts are forgotten when Baekhyun rolls their hips together.
(@kimjongdae: relationship crisis pls send help)
(@ladiesman217: @kimjongdae i have arrived)
(@kimjongdae: @ladiesman217 Im sorry. I do not know u. Pls stop tweeting me. I m a 40 year old man.)
(@kimjongdae: who will advice me on the ways of life)
(@kimjongdae: *** advise)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae wtf are you on about)
(@kimjongdae: ABORT ABORT ABORT)
(@ladiesman217: god @kimjongdae is such a Drama Queen)
(@baektobaek: ???????? @kimjongdae)
(@kimjongdae: james blunt - beautiful.mp3)
It does seem like a good plan, at first.
Money in exchange for sexual favours. “Not that I’m a hooker or anything,” says Baekhyun.
“No, seriously,” says Baekhyun, “I’m not a hooker.”
“Guys!” says Baekhyun, “I am not a hooker!”
“Could have fooled us,” says Chanyeol, casually tweeting even as Baekhyun speaks.
(@presidentpark: call bbh if u ever have needs = 0xxxxxxxx156)
(@baektobaek: IM NOT A HOOKER)
(@presidentpark: couldve fooled us)
But Jongdae just frowns, goes off to do his assignments (with the help of Kyungsoo) (who will not stop prodding Jongdae about the Baekhyun Situation) and leaves Baekhyun to do his thing. Which is very unlike Jongdae. Jongdae has never missed the opportunity to hang out with Baekhyun like this before.
“Maybe he’s not feeling well,” suggests Chanyeol.
“Maybe he doesn’t like you anymore,” Sehun tells him.
“Maybe he’s jealous,” says Joonmyun again, one night as Baekhyun has his hand in Joonmyun’s pants, “and he wants to date you.”
“If he wanted to date me, he would have made a move a long, long time ago.”
“Well, maybe he’s only just realising the extent of his love for you?” says Joonmyun. “Jesus, do that again.”
“You’ve been reading too many romance novels, Mr. Librarian,” says Baekhyun. “Like that?”
“Christ,” breathes Joonmyun. “And no, I haven’t. It’s pretty obvious, though. He’s got stunted emotional growth, and you’re just an asshole.”
“I am so flattered,” says Baekhyun. “Truly. Extremely. I am so touched.”
He attempts to bring it up with Jongdae, but Jongdae keeps finding the most creative ways to duck out of conversations with him. It’s actually a little worrying. Baekhyun had no idea one could climb out the fire escape carrying a bowl of cereal like that.
“Don’t fall down!” calls Baekhyun, as Jongdae shimmies down the ladder. “All the best with that stray cat feeding!”
(@baektobaek: ok... now that jongdae is out... what is up w/ him... he won’t talk to me)
(@presidentpark: bro... HE TOTALLY LIKES U...... HES JEALOUS)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark that’s a LIE)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek bro... look at the fics...)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek FACTS I MEAN FACTS I DIDNT MEAN FICS)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek THERE ARE NO FICS WHATSOEVERKLLFSD)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark )
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek im deleting my lj account dont look 4 me)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark TOO LATE I ALREADY FOUND THE WATERSPORTS FIC)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark IM SUING U FOR BLASPHEMY)
(@presidentpark: [deletes account])
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark COME BACK HERE)
“So... you’ve been wanting to get into my pants this whole time?” says Baekhyun, just a little bit incredulously. He’s finally managed to corner Jongdae in the apartment, and nothing will stop him from finding out the truth now! Except, maybe if he’s late for class again. Thank God it’s a Sunday, then.
“Uh,” says Jongdae.
(@kimjongdae: MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae lol)
(@kimjongdae: everyone is against me)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae get back to this conversation)
Jongdae throws his phone into a corner. It falls conveniently into a laundry basket. Jongdae bites back a scream. Oh god, that was Chanyeol’s underwear. “Uh. So like. Yeah. I guess so.”
Baekhyun stares at him. “Why didn’t you just tell me in the first place?”
“Because we needed money? And you were so set on doing this. And I don’t know, I guess.” Jongdae shrugs. “I didn’t know if you liked me?”
“Dude,” says Baekhyun, “I’ve put up with every single gross and disgusting piece of behaviour from you since forever. And don’t you dare forget about the time we made out in front of the neighbours when we were drunk.”
“You threw up into their favourite flowerpot,” says Jongdae, “how could anyone forget?”
“Oh, yeah.” Baekhyun makes a weird sound. “So, uhm. Do you wanna make out again? This time less drunk, and less throw up-y?”
Jongdae stumbles over his next words. “Don’t you have, well. Joonmyun?”
“He’s the one who told me you were going all Sting - Every Breath You Take on me.”
“I wasn’t!” says Jongdae. “Well. Maybe I was. I was just worried okay!”
“About what?”
“Uhm.” Jongdae racks his brain for excuses. “That you might trip over a bunch of dusty books and break your knees?”
“We never fucked on books,” says Baekhyun, waving a hand at him, an imitation of Chanyeol’s weird useless hand-flap thing. “That’s just an urban legend. But really. I’d give up a million sugar daddies if it meant getting to make out with you. Like, properly.”
Jongdae puts a hand over his heart. “Really? I’m so touched.”
“That sounds terrifyingly sarcastic,” says Baekhyun.
“I swear to god,” says Jongdae, “I am totally serious.” And he kisses Baekhyun.
The summer of 2014 is one of the hottest anyone has ever seen. Both literally and figuratively. It is hot enough to be able to fry beautiful sunny-side-ups out on the pavement, tested and proven by several members of the public who post their findings on Facebook and then celebrate because yay, science! but then weep due to the actually scorching heat. Their tears also hit the ground, sizzle, and turn into vapor. More science. Yay!
It is also the summer Baekhyun and Jongdae realise their true love, amidst terrible weather that they still have to suffer through, because Baekhyun totally did not make any money off his plan at all. It was a terrible plan. Joonmyun totally only paid for three dinners. Maybe it was because Baekhyun didn’t actually tell Joonmyun that he was going to be Baekhyun’s sugar daddy.
“Told you it was a bad plan,” says Jongdae.
“Yeah?” Baekhyun grins at him, throwing a towel at him. “Well. This happened, didn’t it?”
“I guess so,” says Jongdae, “who needs a sugar daddy when you can just date your best friend and not get any money out of him because you’re sharing rent, anyway?”
(@presidentpark: i co-habitate with the delusional)
(@kyungsooperior: @presidentpark I pray for your soul.)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek @kimjongdae NO PDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae ur just jELLOU S)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek @kimjongdae i can tell u 1 thing im not jealous of... UR SPELLING)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark @baektobaek lol)
From: ANONYMOUS until December 30, 2014
Title: [LOUD CRYING NOISES]
Rating: R
Pairing(s)/Focus: Baekhyun/Chen, Baekhyun/Suho
Length: 3,758 words
Summary: Baekhyun gets a sugar daddy, and Chanyeol tweets too much for his own good.
Notes: This is really totally crack. I hope you enjoy!
The summer of 2014 is one of the hottest anyone has ever seen. Both literally and figuratively. It is hot enough to be able to fry beautiful sunny-side-ups out on the pavement, tested and proven by several members of the public who post their findings on Facebook and then celebrate because yay, science! but then weep due to the actually scorching heat. Their tears also hit the ground, sizzle, and turn into vapor. More science. Yay!
It is also the summer that the air-conditioning unit in the flat breaks down. Baekhyun blames everyone but himself. Jongdae blames the fact that Baekhyun had found a dollar on the floor of the kitchen last week and spent it on a soda instead of returning it to its rightful owner (Jongdae) and now karma is paying Baekhyun back for his sins. Chanyeol blames the air-conditioner, and spends ten minutes scolding it, before realising he might have hurt its feelings. He spends another ten minutes petting it, and then another five telling it how well it has served them for the past year.
“Please apologise to the air-conditioning another day,” says Jongdae, lying across the sofa, limbs hanging like limp noodles off the edge. A towel is draped over his face. “Go make yourself useful and get more ice.”
“Can’t,” says Chanyeol glumly, “the ones in the freezer are still 75% water. And all the convenience stores are out of stock.”
“Hey,” says Baekhyun, somewhere in a corner of his room where all he has on is nothing. Which is why he is in his room, and not out in the living room with the other two, despite the fact that it would basically be a blessing for them to be granted the sight of his perfect, naked figure. It’s no secret that the art department totally wanted him for their nude painting class. Well. Baekhyun believes they would have called him eventually. “If we all go without eating, how long will it take for us to raise enough money to fix the air-conditioning?”
“Two months and twelve days,” says Jongdae. “I counted yesterday, while you were out searching for dropped coins on the sidewalk. You desperate fool.”
“Makes loud crying noises!” says Chanyeol, “How are we going to survive the summer?”
“I can’t believe you just said that out loud. How much time do you spend on the internet?”
Chanyeol is too busy typing his sorrows into his latest tweet (@presidentpark: [LOUD CRYING NOISES] WHY IS IT SO HOT TODAY UGHFJGKDF [crying emoji] im going 2 die) to answer that question, and he uselessly flaps a hand at Jongdae instead, his universal signal for either ‘please help me with this assignment,’ ‘come here so I can show you this amazing oppai tentacle monster googirl yuri hentai doujinshi I found on Fakku,’ ‘I seriously need to use the toilet like seriously right now,' or ‘I’m busy tweeting, please try again later.’
It’s probably the fourth one, since Chanyeol isn’t exactly flying off in the direction of the bathroom at the moment.
“You should be asking how much time he spends in real life,” says Baekhyun, walking into the living room. Jongdae screams incoherently and covers his eyes with his hands, despite having the towel already over his face. “I’m wearing pants, okay! Christ, what is wrong with everyone in this house.”
“It’s the heat, I swear to god.” Jongdae pulls the towel off, and glances at Baekhyun, who indeed is (thankfully) wearing boxers. “Everyone’s fucking nuts this week. Jongin and Sehun tried to steal the ice cream freezer from 7-11 two days ago. And Yixing’s been coming to class with ice packs strapped to his... everywhere.”
“Smart man,” comments Baekhyun, “Hey, you know what we need?”
“More ice?” says Chanyeol.
“More money!” says Baekhyun, anime dollar signs flashing in his eyes. “And I have the greatest plan ever!”
“No,” says Jongdae immediately, too accustomed to Baekhyun’s ‘I have a plan’ speeches that never actually turn out as well as Baekhyun makes them seem at first. “The last time we went through with one of your plans, we burned a hole through my mother’s favourite plate and set fire to every single chopstick in the apartment. No more plans.”
“You don’t have to get involved with this one! It’s actually incredibly genius. I almost would credit myself for it, purely for the ingenuity of even taking this idea to adopt as my own, but of course, plagiarism.” Baekhyun puts a hand over his chest dramatically. “As our dear professors always deign to remind us.”
“Yeah, whatever. Get on with it.”
“Have you ever heard the term, sugar daddy?”
Jongdae pauses. “I don’t think I heard that right.”
“Sugar daddy,” says Baekhyun again, “I’m going to go get one.”
“I,” says Jongdae.
“Hold that thought,” says Chanyeol, reaching for his phone again.
(@presidentpark: OOOOOOOOH MY GOD @baektobaek is crazy omf... he wants 2 get a sugar daddy lmAO)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae also why is ur bio still a 40 yr old man lol u are so 2000 and LATE)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark Pls stop tweeting me. I am not ur friend. U do not know me. I am just a man who is living in the forties.)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae u think ur being funny???? m8??? ill fight u)
“We’re in the room,” says Baekhyun, kicking Chanyeol’s phone out of his hands, thanks to his supreme Taekgyeon skills. It lands on the sofa perfectly. Chanyeol makes a loud crying noise, and dives for it. “Anyway, how about it?”
Jongdae considers the idea briefly. “Who would you even get as a sugar daddy?”
“The school’s full of rich kids,” says Baekhyun breezily, and he pulls out a piece of paper. “I made a List!”
“Oh, no,” says Chanyeol, “not a List.”
“Oh, yes,” says Baekhyun triumphantly, “a List. And with this List of Names of Rich Kids I Could Potentially Persuade To Be My Sugar Daddy, I will persevere until I succeed! I will bring peace back to the lands! I will bring back sub-zero temperatures to our apartment! I will reign supreme as Mega Overlord of the Known Universe!”
“Raincheck on that last one,” says Jongdae.
Baekhyun ignores him, and carries on. “Nothing will stop me!”
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek ur late 4 class lol)
Baekhyun screeches. “Why don’t you ever tell me these things in real life? You know I don’t check my phone every waking second of my life like you do!” He runs off to his room to grab his things, before flying out the door, phone in hand.
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae I SAW THAT TWEET UR LIAR KMI JGNODAE)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae FUCK U BOTH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U!!!!!! OMG PROF SH*M IS GOING 2 KILL ME)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae THEN HOW AM I GOING 2 BRING US SUGAR DADDY MONEY!!!! THINK ABT THAT U FUCKERS!!!!!!)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek @presidentpark lol)
To Jongdae and Chanyeol’s extreme surprise, Baekhyun does follow through on his List. He sticks it up on the refrigerator, where they have to suffer through looking at it every single time they reach in to pull out the orange juice. Each day, Baekhyun conducts a series of plans that begins with by stalking each and every one of them after classes, following them as they go about their day.
“It’s not called stalking,” Baekhyun corrects them, matter-of-factly. “It’s called careful secret observation for ulterior purposes.”
“Stalking,” says Jongdae, “right-o. Anyway, have you even asked any of them yet?”
“I have!” says Baekhyun, “So far only twelve people have rejected me!”
“Only twelve! Fantastic,” says Jongdae dryly, “and how many more do you have, twenty-eight?”
“Five, actually.” Baekhyun peruses his List, and squints. “Do you think Kim Minseok would be amenable to the idea of being my sexual patron saint?”
(@presidentpark: i cant believe hes actually doing this l o l)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark DO U HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS HUH?????!?!?!? no??? thats what i THOGUTH)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek /snorts)
“I don’t know why you typed that even though you’re not snorting in real life,” says Baekhyun.
Chanyeol doesn’t spare him a glance, instead moving to check his Livejournal for messages. “Snorts.”
“Anyway,” says Baekhyun, “if Minseok doesn’t say yes, and if Lu Han doesn’t say yes either, and if Taeyeon shoots me down again-”
“But Taeyeon’s a girl,” says Jongdae.
“A sugar mommy is a perfectly reasonable substitute! Anyway, I guess I’ll have to consider my last choice, then, if no one wants to take up this fantastic, amazing, brilliant offer of mine.”
Jongdae pauses. “Oh, god. Please don’t tell me-”
“Yes!” says Baekhyun.
“No!” says Jongdae, almost immediately.
“Why not!”
“It is such a bad idea to go after the resident goody-two-shoes librarian!”
(@presidentpark: ALKJFAKLSJKLASDA SENPAI LIKED MY FIC!!!!!!!!FL KJADLKAO MDLSDKLKDL AKALSKA!!! ! !! ! LKJALALSLKA DE A D)
“Chanyeol!” says Jongdae. “There are more important matters at hand than who commented on your mpreg fic!”
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae br0 how do u kno i wrote an mpreg fic)
“I,” says Jongdae.
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark i)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae LMFAOOOOOO I KNEW U WERE INTO KINKY SHIT LIKE THIS)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark Im blocking U)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae if u block me how am i gonna write u that liyin/you fic u wanted)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark ?)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae got u there)
“God, I hate Chanyeol,” mutters Jongdae, furiously turning his phone off.
Chanyeol cackles, and opens his Google Docs app.
“Wait,” says Jongdae, glancing around, once the furor has ended, “where’s Baekhyun?”
Dramatic music plays in Jongdae’s mind. Oh god. No! Baekhyun’s gone to go ask him!
“No!” says Jongdae, a la Darth Vader style. He runs to the window and peers out. Goddamn, the sun’s still bright as hell today. Not that hell’s bright or anything. He’s pretty sure despite the raging fires that burn all the time down there, hell’s dark as shit. Ah, there we go. Baekhyun’s walking down the pathway, whistling a merry tune as he walks up to someone sitting on a bench.
“What’s so bad about him, anyway?” asks Chanyeol, busy making Jongdae kiss Zhang Liyin in his fic about true love and intrepid romance. He’s going to get a million kudos for this for sure! “He’s got moolah. Isn’t that the point?”
“He’s not even a student! And, well. What if, you know.” Jongdae leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “What if Baekhyun actually ends up doing a number on him?”
Chanyeol stares at him. “A number? What kind of number? Like a number one? I didn’t know Baekhyun was into watersports.”
Jongdae splutters, and gives up.
At that very moment, Baekhyun bursts through the door dramatically, arms outstretched. “Guess who’s just become our main source of income for the unforeseeable future?”
“You!” says Chanyeol.
“Me!” says Baekhyun, “correct! Good job! You’re so smart. I’m so proud. Have a cookie.”
“He actually agreed? Are you for real?”
“Let me tell you,” says Baekhyun, waving a cookie in Jongdae’s direction, “my persuasive skills are incredibly... persuasive.”
“Right,” says Jongdae, “well, it’s still way too hot to function, so I am taking a nap. Thanks for the new cash flow.”
They both watch him pad away. “Huh,” says Baekhyun, “he’s acting weird. Usually he’d be all up in my plans by now, fixing shit.”
“Trying to make sure everything goes well,” agrees Chanyeol, already getting his phone out to tweet about Jongdae’s strange behaviour, and Baekhyun’s competency at scoring sexual partners compared to scoring on his Economics monthly tests.
Baekhyun frowns at Jongdae’s back for a moment, before shrugging. “Anyway. It’s time for me to roll in the money. And the sex. I’ll be back later.” He zips out the door, bag in tow, leaving Chanyeol alone with his electronics.
(@presidentpark: so my flatmate has gone off the deep end)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark what happened)
(@presidentpark: @ladiesman217 bbh got a sugar daddy to pay for our continued survival)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark PFPPFPTOFPPFTPFPDPFLPFPT)
(@presidentpark: @ladiesman217 me 2 sehun, me 2)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @ladiesman217 ur jealous arent u losers)
(@baektobaek: instagram.com/ha9387kasja... econs is shit)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lmao what if prof sh*m sees u then ur dead)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae he doesnt kno my twitter ok)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae WHAT LOL???? DONT LOL ME WHAT THE FUCK DO U MEAN LOL GLDKFLAKA KIM JONGDAE)
(@kimjongdae: @baektobaek lol)
(@presidentpark: life is so hard w/ these two around)
(@ladiesman217: @presidentpark no thats just ur boner)
Jongdae holds up his binoculars and squints. If he tries just hard enough, he can make out the outline of the hot-dog stall next to the cafeteria. If he tries a little harder, he can see Yixing attempting to arrange the ice-pack in his pants. If he tries just a little bit harder, he can almost make out the blurry outline of Baekhyun sucking face with Kim Joonmyun against a wall somewhere.
“You got those from Toys R Us,” says Kyungsoo, from where he’s doing his Lit assignment at the kitchen table. “Squinting won’t help at all.”
Jongdae sighs, and tosses them out the window. Below, something like a cat makes a loud screech. Oh, never mind. It’s just Chanyeol. “Was worth a shot.”
“Why are you even trying to creep on Baekhyun and Mr. Kim, anyway?” Kyungsoo pauses, and frowns. “Oh, god. I’m never going to be able to call him Mr. Kim ever again without thinking about what Baekhyun is doing.”
“I can’t believe you even call him Mr. Kim in the first place.”
“It’s better than daddy, if that’s what you mean.”
“Please,” says Jongdae, “I did not need that image at all.”
Kyungsoo snorts. “Bet Baekhyun’s having the time of his life, isn’t he.”
“You think?” Jongdae resumes his suspicious activities. Baekhyun and Joonmyun have disappeared, probably away to Joonmyun’s place. Wherever he lives, anyway. Chanyeol is still convinced that Joonmyun lives in the library, between the 1800s French History and 1900s Italian History stacks. Must make for great lounging material, the thick tomes. Probably not so hygienic, though.
Kyungsoo watches him carefully. “You’re being extremely ex-boyfriend right now, you know that?”
Jongdae splutters. “Okay, for one, we’ve never dated. And secondly, we’ve never dated.”
“Aha!” says Kyungsoo. “But do you want to date him?”
Jongdae pauses.
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark pls come home Immediately. ksoo is bullying Me)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae You are delusional, my friend.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior ur way of typing is delusional. its the modern age now u can leave proper caps in 2003 thanks)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae We’ll see who has the last laugh when your future employers come across your social networking accounts.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior y r we friends)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae Who else would help you with math? Chanyeol?)
They both glance out the window momentarily. Chanyeol is busy making a tower of hotdogs, and is up to number twenty-two. Around him are a bunch of kids cheering him on in a most enthusiastic manner.
“Oh, there we go,” says Kyungsoo, as the tower topples over. “Ten bucks says he’ll eat it.”
“Ten bucks says they’ll eat it,” says Jongdae, referring to the kids.
They both lose. Chanyeol and the kids share an extremely unhygienic meal off the grass.
Jongdae nods wisely. “Of course.”
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae You still haven’t answered my question.)
(@kimjongdae: @kyungsooperior Lets just drop it bro)
(@kyungsooperior: @kimjongdae Hmm.)
"Your friend’s been giving me weird looks,” Joonmyun tells Baekhyun one day, as Baekhyun kisses down his neck. “I think he’s jealous.”
“What, Chanyeol? Think he just wants to steal your wallet.”
Joonmyun chooses to ignore this statement, and chooses instead to tug Baekhyun closer, sliding his palms down Baekhyun’s back. “No, the other one.”
“Jongdae?” says Baekhyun incredulously, palming at Joonmyun’s cock through his pants. Joonmyun bites back a moan. “He wouldn’t.”
“I don’t know,” says Joonmyun, tucking his fingers into the hem of Baekhyun’s jeans, “he did attempt to stare me down yesterday. It was kind of scary. I think he likes you a lot more than you think he does.”
“Oh,” says Baekhyun, because he isn’t really quite sure what to do about this. He settles for shoving Joonmyun down onto his couch, and Baekhyun sweeps away a few folders before seating himself on Joonmyun’s lap. “Let’s not think about that for now.”
“Huh,” says Joonmyun, but all thoughts are forgotten when Baekhyun rolls their hips together.
(@kimjongdae: relationship crisis pls send help)
(@ladiesman217: @kimjongdae i have arrived)
(@kimjongdae: @ladiesman217 Im sorry. I do not know u. Pls stop tweeting me. I m a 40 year old man.)
(@kimjongdae: who will advice me on the ways of life)
(@kimjongdae: *** advise)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae wtf are you on about)
(@kimjongdae: ABORT ABORT ABORT)
(@ladiesman217: god @kimjongdae is such a Drama Queen)
(@baektobaek: ???????? @kimjongdae)
(@kimjongdae: james blunt - beautiful.mp3)
It does seem like a good plan, at first.
Money in exchange for sexual favours. “Not that I’m a hooker or anything,” says Baekhyun.
“No, seriously,” says Baekhyun, “I’m not a hooker.”
“Guys!” says Baekhyun, “I am not a hooker!”
“Could have fooled us,” says Chanyeol, casually tweeting even as Baekhyun speaks.
(@presidentpark: call bbh if u ever have needs = 0xxxxxxxx156)
(@baektobaek: IM NOT A HOOKER)
(@presidentpark: couldve fooled us)
But Jongdae just frowns, goes off to do his assignments (with the help of Kyungsoo) (who will not stop prodding Jongdae about the Baekhyun Situation) and leaves Baekhyun to do his thing. Which is very unlike Jongdae. Jongdae has never missed the opportunity to hang out with Baekhyun like this before.
“Maybe he’s not feeling well,” suggests Chanyeol.
“Maybe he doesn’t like you anymore,” Sehun tells him.
“Maybe he’s jealous,” says Joonmyun again, one night as Baekhyun has his hand in Joonmyun’s pants, “and he wants to date you.”
“If he wanted to date me, he would have made a move a long, long time ago.”
“Well, maybe he’s only just realising the extent of his love for you?” says Joonmyun. “Jesus, do that again.”
“You’ve been reading too many romance novels, Mr. Librarian,” says Baekhyun. “Like that?”
“Christ,” breathes Joonmyun. “And no, I haven’t. It’s pretty obvious, though. He’s got stunted emotional growth, and you’re just an asshole.”
“I am so flattered,” says Baekhyun. “Truly. Extremely. I am so touched.”
He attempts to bring it up with Jongdae, but Jongdae keeps finding the most creative ways to duck out of conversations with him. It’s actually a little worrying. Baekhyun had no idea one could climb out the fire escape carrying a bowl of cereal like that.
“Don’t fall down!” calls Baekhyun, as Jongdae shimmies down the ladder. “All the best with that stray cat feeding!”
(@baektobaek: ok... now that jongdae is out... what is up w/ him... he won’t talk to me)
(@presidentpark: bro... HE TOTALLY LIKES U...... HES JEALOUS)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark that’s a LIE)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek bro... look at the fics...)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek FACTS I MEAN FACTS I DIDNT MEAN FICS)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek THERE ARE NO FICS WHATSOEVERKLLFSD)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark )
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek im deleting my lj account dont look 4 me)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark TOO LATE I ALREADY FOUND THE WATERSPORTS FIC)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark IM SUING U FOR BLASPHEMY)
(@presidentpark: [deletes account])
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark COME BACK HERE)
“So... you’ve been wanting to get into my pants this whole time?” says Baekhyun, just a little bit incredulously. He’s finally managed to corner Jongdae in the apartment, and nothing will stop him from finding out the truth now! Except, maybe if he’s late for class again. Thank God it’s a Sunday, then.
“Uh,” says Jongdae.
(@kimjongdae: MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY)
(@presidentpark: @kimjongdae lol)
(@kimjongdae: everyone is against me)
(@baektobaek: @kimjongdae get back to this conversation)
Jongdae throws his phone into a corner. It falls conveniently into a laundry basket. Jongdae bites back a scream. Oh god, that was Chanyeol’s underwear. “Uh. So like. Yeah. I guess so.”
Baekhyun stares at him. “Why didn’t you just tell me in the first place?”
“Because we needed money? And you were so set on doing this. And I don’t know, I guess.” Jongdae shrugs. “I didn’t know if you liked me?”
“Dude,” says Baekhyun, “I’ve put up with every single gross and disgusting piece of behaviour from you since forever. And don’t you dare forget about the time we made out in front of the neighbours when we were drunk.”
“You threw up into their favourite flowerpot,” says Jongdae, “how could anyone forget?”
“Oh, yeah.” Baekhyun makes a weird sound. “So, uhm. Do you wanna make out again? This time less drunk, and less throw up-y?”
Jongdae stumbles over his next words. “Don’t you have, well. Joonmyun?”
“He’s the one who told me you were going all Sting - Every Breath You Take on me.”
“I wasn’t!” says Jongdae. “Well. Maybe I was. I was just worried okay!”
“About what?”
“Uhm.” Jongdae racks his brain for excuses. “That you might trip over a bunch of dusty books and break your knees?”
“We never fucked on books,” says Baekhyun, waving a hand at him, an imitation of Chanyeol’s weird useless hand-flap thing. “That’s just an urban legend. But really. I’d give up a million sugar daddies if it meant getting to make out with you. Like, properly.”
Jongdae puts a hand over his heart. “Really? I’m so touched.”
“That sounds terrifyingly sarcastic,” says Baekhyun.
“I swear to god,” says Jongdae, “I am totally serious.” And he kisses Baekhyun.
The summer of 2014 is one of the hottest anyone has ever seen. Both literally and figuratively. It is hot enough to be able to fry beautiful sunny-side-ups out on the pavement, tested and proven by several members of the public who post their findings on Facebook and then celebrate because yay, science! but then weep due to the actually scorching heat. Their tears also hit the ground, sizzle, and turn into vapor. More science. Yay!
It is also the summer Baekhyun and Jongdae realise their true love, amidst terrible weather that they still have to suffer through, because Baekhyun totally did not make any money off his plan at all. It was a terrible plan. Joonmyun totally only paid for three dinners. Maybe it was because Baekhyun didn’t actually tell Joonmyun that he was going to be Baekhyun’s sugar daddy.
“Told you it was a bad plan,” says Jongdae.
“Yeah?” Baekhyun grins at him, throwing a towel at him. “Well. This happened, didn’t it?”
“I guess so,” says Jongdae, “who needs a sugar daddy when you can just date your best friend and not get any money out of him because you’re sharing rent, anyway?”
(@presidentpark: i co-habitate with the delusional)
(@kyungsooperior: @presidentpark I pray for your soul.)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek @kimjongdae NO PDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(@baektobaek: @presidentpark @kimjongdae ur just jELLOU S)
(@presidentpark: @baektobaek @kimjongdae i can tell u 1 thing im not jealous of... UR SPELLING)
(@kimjongdae: @presidentpark @baektobaek lol)