Chapter fifteen: Longing
Something I knew I'd have to do when setting down to write "my usual kind of story, but with a female lead" was to write my obligatory sex scene from a woman's perspective. No idea how well I succeeded. Then again, I doubt I'm that great at writing'em from a man's perspective, either, so maybe it makes no difference... ;)
Chapter fifteen
It was a lot later, and things had calmed down a bit.
Lordshaven Hall was calming down for the evening. The pitter-patter of little feet - and the full-lunged howl of little voices - had mostly receded, as the children had burned off most of their energy during the day and were now settling into slightly more sedate games. Somewhere, Kim and her assistants were preparing the very youngest children for bed.
Jalon had been given a healing from a hastily called in Priest friend of Kim's, a room, and a bath. To Aseena's relief, he was looking more like his own self again - just tired and a bit unsettled. He was resting on the bed, while she was sitting at the side of it, holding his hand. His presence was a balm to her - just knowing that she could speak, and he would hear and answer, filled a void in her heart that had been empty for the last three months.
Dara was standing by the door, dressed to kill. She wore a long black dress with slitted sides and a plunging neckline, a pearl necklace around her neck and diamons gleaming in her ears. Her hair was combed and washed and fell over her pale shoulders like a waterfall of blackest oil. Aseena was surprised to realise it, but Dara was actually very beautiful when she wanted to be.
"I made my report," Dara said. "And then I talked to as many people as I could think of who'd listen to me. With Kroll dead and unable to contradict me, I think my version of events will carry. We probably don't have to worry about any more Soldiers chasing after Aseena."
"So why are we here, instead of somewhere better-protected?" Aseena said. "At the garrison with your gentleman friend, for instance?"
"Because 'probably' isn't good enough," Dara said. "Kroll might have had seconds-in-command or sympathisers in either one of two Ministries. I'm not putting us in the middle of a bunch of Soldiers until I can be sure that none of them will plant a knife in one of our backs. No, we're staying here, where you assured me that no one will look for you."
"Actually, that part was pretty 'probably,' too..." Aseena muttered. But she supposed she could see Dara's point. If enemies could show up in either place, better pick the one where you could at least see them coming over the one where they would blend into the crowd.
"Either way," Dara said, "that's part of the case solved. You may now marvel at my brilliance and power."
Aseena exchanged an uneasy glance with Jalon.
"I'm not seeing any marveling," Dara said. "Marvel, darn you."
"You killed Kroll, Dara," Jalon said unhappily. "I really wish you hadn't done that."
"I did it to save your ass," Dara said. "You're freaking welcome, by the way."
"Hey, I'm grateful," Aseena said. "It's just... You killed a woman." She wanted to add, in cold blood, but that if anything would make Dara pull into her shell and close the door behind her. "Don't you feel anything about that?"
Dara sighed.
"Mostly, I try not to think about it," she said. "We still have Mansuur to deal with. I'll go into therapy as soon as we have, all right? I'll work through all my emotions, whatever they are. For now, can't we just accept that it was necessary and move on?"
"That's just it." Jalon grimaced. "I said... a number of things, when Kroll had me on whatever potion she forced into me. Half of them I don't remember anymore, and the other half I barely understand, but... I think a big part of it was that you need to be at the top of your game to beat this. The more tangled up you are inside, the less chance any of us have. In fact, the whole way you went about this... you basically just slammed the problem with as much brute force as possible, didn't you?"
"Everyone's a freaking critic," Dara said. "It worked, didn't it?"
"Yes, but that's not the point," Jalon said. "The point is that when you get to the big finish, brute force isn't going to do the trick - so if you are in the state of mind when that's your go-to solution, you'll lose. And if you lose..."
"I know, I know. If I lose, we're all doomed." Dara raised her hands towards the ceiling. "God! No pressure or anything!"
"Sorry," Jalon said meekly. "I don't make the rules."
Aseena expected Dara to argue, or storm out in a huff, but instead, she just pulled her hands across her face, taking a deep breath.
"All right," she said. "All right, damn it. What do you two suggest? Should I cancel my plans for tonight and ask this Kim character for a therapy session?"
"It's your head," Aseena said. "I don't know what will be better for making sure that it's screwed on straight. Do whatever you think is best for getting into mental shape the fastest."
"What are these plans, anyway," Jalon said, "that you're dressed up to the nines for?"
Aseena grinned at him.
"She's got a hot date," she said. "With a handsome Major, no less."
"Ooooooh." Jalon beamed obnoxiously at Dara. "So you did ask that Rinabaar fellow out? I told you he would say yes."
Dara's cheeks turned faintly pink.
"She also interrogated him until he admitted to being attracted to her," Aseena said. "I have to hand it to the guy, he maintained a dignified composture the whole time."
Dara's cheeks turned a richer shade of cherry red.
Aseena snapped her fingers.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" she said. "Don't forget that you were healed earlier today, and healing flushes contraceptive potions out of your system. Better take a new dose." She winked. "You know. Just in case."
Dara's cheeks turned a rich scarlet.
"For two people who just told me that my peace of mind is essential to all of our survival," she said, "you have far too much fun teasing me."
"Peace of mind nothing," Aseena said. "It's the relaxation of your mind that's important. If we can get you embarrassed, it means that you won't have time to be angry or scared anymore."
Dara snorted.
"You are true humanitarians, both of you," she grumbled. "But yes, as a matter of fact, I am supposed to meet Rinabaar in about half an hour. That's why I took a detour to what's left of Sablecrest Manor and dug out my wardrobe by means of some witchcraft. I even shaped a few horses to pull my carriage for me - don't worry, I left it on safe distance from Lordshaven Hall. I just wanted to be able to arrive in style. But if you think I should stay here..."
"I'm a Hedonist," Jalon said. "As far as destressing and getting my act together goes, I'd take a nice dinner and pleasant company over therapy any day. If you want my advise, I think you should go. Have a few He Who Comes-free hours."
"All right," Dara said. "I will."
Aseena gave Jalon a look of exaggerated astonishment.
"She actually listens to you?" she said. "You have to teach me that!"
"It's nothing you can teach," Jalon said pompously. "She's an excellent judge of character, you see. She recognises my superior insight and intellect."
Aseena made a face and pinched his nose. Jalon laughed and tried to fend her off, and in the process of it she ended up half-lying on top of him.
Dara coughed.
"I'm going now," she said. She paused. "And not that it's any of your business, but I wasn't on any contraceptive potions before I was healed. I mean, what would the point be?"
Aseena gave her a half-apologetic smile.
"Also not that it's any of your business," Dara said gruffly. "I took one while I was out. Just in case."
She turned and swept out, closing the door behind her.
"Well, well," Jalon said. "I guess she's got big plans."
"What do you think?" Aseena said. "Complete disaster caused by two equally unsocial people trying to interact socially? Or a smashing success caused by their dysfunctions balancing each other out?"
"I, for one, have faith in our little girl," Jalon said grandly. "She fights mad cultists and overturns government conspiracies. I think she might also be able to make light conversation over dinner. It will only take a slightly more heroic effort from her than the other things."
Aseena made herself more comfortable, lying down next to Jalon, with her head against his chest. She closed her eyes and felt it rising and falling gently.
"I remember our first date," she said sleepily. "I remember we went to hear the Black Lake Strings perform, and after that we walked home through town and talked, first about the performance, then about music, then just about life. I remember skipping from one thing to the next, and whatever I talked about you had something to say about it, or at least you seemed interested."
"I mostly remember that your dress left very little to the imagination," Jalon said. "But I vaguely recall that all that other stuff was nice, too."
Aseena opened one eye to glare at him.
"All right, no," Jalon said. "I remember thinking that I had never met anyone who thought so much about so many different things. And that I wanted to stick around and keep listening for a great long while." He stroked her forehead. "That I never wanted this busy mind to go away." Then he drew his hand down her cheek, further down her throat and shoulders and chest, and gently cupped her left breast. He grinned shamelessly. "And that I wanted to see even more of these than your cleavage displayed."
Aseena snorted with laughter.
"Well, I did wear that dress to impress you," she said. "It would have been a shame if it had gone completely unnoticed."
They remained silent for a while. Aseena thought about going to sleep. She couldn't remember when she had slept last, and now, when everything was - just for the moment - exactly as it should be and there were no crises to deal with, it should be the perfect time. She could drift off, and left her body recover from its ordeals while pressed up against Jalon, reminding her of his presence in the most immediate way, by the feel of his real, solid shape against her.
But Jalon's hand was still where it was, and that gave her a pleasantly nagging reminder that there was something that she hadn't done in three months.
Making up her mind, she rolled over to her side and inched her way up so that their faces were at the same height. She began kissing him - light, caressing kisses, like she was trying to feel out once-familiar ground once more. Jalon kissed her back and put his hand behind her head, stroking her hair.
She took her time, enjoying the light brushes of lips against lips, enjoying the warm tingle that was slowly spreading through her body. Little by little, soft touches ceased to satisfy, so she put her arms around him and pulled him close. Their kisses grew longer and more intense. Aseena let out a low moan. After all this time, it was really him, and he was really here.
She pushed him over on his back and got on top of him, luxuriating in the sense of his hard, fit body beneath hers. She pulled her hands over him, wanting to caress every last inch of him she could reach. He stroked her hips, her chest, her face.
"You know something?" she mumbled, her lips inches away from his.
"What?" he whispered back.
"All my life..." she said. "You're the one thing I could never get enough of. Everything else, I want a taste, but then I grow tired of it. You, I just want more of the more I get."
He laughed and pulled her closer.
After a while, they had to part to take their clothes off. Aseena threw off her faded blacks in disgust - God, it would be so good to go back to actually changing clothes once a day, instead of as often as she could get her hands on a new outfit and a moment to change into it. Jalon took his time, folding his clothes on a chair. Aseena sat naked on the bed and watched the muscles work beneath his fine, smooth skin. There were no wounds or scars left - the healing had seen to those. But she still couldn't help remember how he had looked in that cell, hurt and degraded, battered by forces that cared nothing for who he was or for how loved he was, only for what they could wring out of his helpless flesh.
She got up and walked over to him, embracing him tightly from behind. Pressing her naked skin against his felt like the most natural and most wonderful thing in the world.
"I'm not letting anyone hurt you, ever again," she said.
He took the hand she was pressing against his chest and kissed it. He didn't answer, though. Perhaps he didn't want to state the obvious - that that was a promise she had no way of keeping.
He turned in her arms and put his arms around her, naked and beautiful and obviously aroused. They stumbled back to the bed, and she lay down with him on top of her. His breath was hot on her face, his fingers quick with eagerness as they played with her breasts. She arched her back, trying to press as close to him as possible.
"Now," she groaned.
That was all that was needed; she and Jalon had been together for long enough that he knew his cues. He lifted himself slightly, and she felt him feel his way down there - and then she felt him slide into her, stiff and swollen and eager.
They thrusted together, rocking back and forth on the bed. Jalon nustled her cheeks, and she heard him give off the throaty laugh that he always made during sex. His motions were perfect; he knew exactly, by now, how she liked him to do it. She wrapped her arms around his firm back and let herself be swept away.
It didn't take long - both of them had missed their regular lovelife, and once their bodies had been woken up, they were furiously, desperately eager. Aseena wrapped her legs around his hips, clinging to him with arms and legs like she never wanted to let go. All thoughts of prophesies and doom were gone from her mind - she just knew that she was a woman, and that her lover was with her in the most intimate of ways, and there was a primal satisfaction in that that went beyond human concerns.
She gave off a yell when she finished, a single wordless cry. It might have meant, "Jalon, I love you!" It might just as easily have meant, "take that, Mansuur!" She relaxed with a shuddering breath, continuing to thrust to help Jalon reach his own mounting climax.
Then she looked over his shoulder, bounding up and down with his exertions, and saw a face hovering there, twisted and brutish like a revenant's. She struggled to speak, but part of her mind couldn't believe this was happening. This was a dream, a waking nightmare - she had gone without sleep for so long that her fears were slipping into the waking time.
With a final, cheerful holler, Jalon finished. He collapsed on top of her, chuckling quietly.
"Jalon," Aseena said. "Jalon, it is... We have to..."
She had no idea what they had to. And the man in the room took a step closer, smirking down at them.
"I hope you both enjoyed that," Mansuur said. "It's time to go now. Destiny calls."
Chapter fifteen
It was a lot later, and things had calmed down a bit.
Lordshaven Hall was calming down for the evening. The pitter-patter of little feet - and the full-lunged howl of little voices - had mostly receded, as the children had burned off most of their energy during the day and were now settling into slightly more sedate games. Somewhere, Kim and her assistants were preparing the very youngest children for bed.
Jalon had been given a healing from a hastily called in Priest friend of Kim's, a room, and a bath. To Aseena's relief, he was looking more like his own self again - just tired and a bit unsettled. He was resting on the bed, while she was sitting at the side of it, holding his hand. His presence was a balm to her - just knowing that she could speak, and he would hear and answer, filled a void in her heart that had been empty for the last three months.
Dara was standing by the door, dressed to kill. She wore a long black dress with slitted sides and a plunging neckline, a pearl necklace around her neck and diamons gleaming in her ears. Her hair was combed and washed and fell over her pale shoulders like a waterfall of blackest oil. Aseena was surprised to realise it, but Dara was actually very beautiful when she wanted to be.
"I made my report," Dara said. "And then I talked to as many people as I could think of who'd listen to me. With Kroll dead and unable to contradict me, I think my version of events will carry. We probably don't have to worry about any more Soldiers chasing after Aseena."
"So why are we here, instead of somewhere better-protected?" Aseena said. "At the garrison with your gentleman friend, for instance?"
"Because 'probably' isn't good enough," Dara said. "Kroll might have had seconds-in-command or sympathisers in either one of two Ministries. I'm not putting us in the middle of a bunch of Soldiers until I can be sure that none of them will plant a knife in one of our backs. No, we're staying here, where you assured me that no one will look for you."
"Actually, that part was pretty 'probably,' too..." Aseena muttered. But she supposed she could see Dara's point. If enemies could show up in either place, better pick the one where you could at least see them coming over the one where they would blend into the crowd.
"Either way," Dara said, "that's part of the case solved. You may now marvel at my brilliance and power."
Aseena exchanged an uneasy glance with Jalon.
"I'm not seeing any marveling," Dara said. "Marvel, darn you."
"You killed Kroll, Dara," Jalon said unhappily. "I really wish you hadn't done that."
"I did it to save your ass," Dara said. "You're freaking welcome, by the way."
"Hey, I'm grateful," Aseena said. "It's just... You killed a woman." She wanted to add, in cold blood, but that if anything would make Dara pull into her shell and close the door behind her. "Don't you feel anything about that?"
Dara sighed.
"Mostly, I try not to think about it," she said. "We still have Mansuur to deal with. I'll go into therapy as soon as we have, all right? I'll work through all my emotions, whatever they are. For now, can't we just accept that it was necessary and move on?"
"That's just it." Jalon grimaced. "I said... a number of things, when Kroll had me on whatever potion she forced into me. Half of them I don't remember anymore, and the other half I barely understand, but... I think a big part of it was that you need to be at the top of your game to beat this. The more tangled up you are inside, the less chance any of us have. In fact, the whole way you went about this... you basically just slammed the problem with as much brute force as possible, didn't you?"
"Everyone's a freaking critic," Dara said. "It worked, didn't it?"
"Yes, but that's not the point," Jalon said. "The point is that when you get to the big finish, brute force isn't going to do the trick - so if you are in the state of mind when that's your go-to solution, you'll lose. And if you lose..."
"I know, I know. If I lose, we're all doomed." Dara raised her hands towards the ceiling. "God! No pressure or anything!"
"Sorry," Jalon said meekly. "I don't make the rules."
Aseena expected Dara to argue, or storm out in a huff, but instead, she just pulled her hands across her face, taking a deep breath.
"All right," she said. "All right, damn it. What do you two suggest? Should I cancel my plans for tonight and ask this Kim character for a therapy session?"
"It's your head," Aseena said. "I don't know what will be better for making sure that it's screwed on straight. Do whatever you think is best for getting into mental shape the fastest."
"What are these plans, anyway," Jalon said, "that you're dressed up to the nines for?"
Aseena grinned at him.
"She's got a hot date," she said. "With a handsome Major, no less."
"Ooooooh." Jalon beamed obnoxiously at Dara. "So you did ask that Rinabaar fellow out? I told you he would say yes."
Dara's cheeks turned faintly pink.
"She also interrogated him until he admitted to being attracted to her," Aseena said. "I have to hand it to the guy, he maintained a dignified composture the whole time."
Dara's cheeks turned a richer shade of cherry red.
Aseena snapped her fingers.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" she said. "Don't forget that you were healed earlier today, and healing flushes contraceptive potions out of your system. Better take a new dose." She winked. "You know. Just in case."
Dara's cheeks turned a rich scarlet.
"For two people who just told me that my peace of mind is essential to all of our survival," she said, "you have far too much fun teasing me."
"Peace of mind nothing," Aseena said. "It's the relaxation of your mind that's important. If we can get you embarrassed, it means that you won't have time to be angry or scared anymore."
Dara snorted.
"You are true humanitarians, both of you," she grumbled. "But yes, as a matter of fact, I am supposed to meet Rinabaar in about half an hour. That's why I took a detour to what's left of Sablecrest Manor and dug out my wardrobe by means of some witchcraft. I even shaped a few horses to pull my carriage for me - don't worry, I left it on safe distance from Lordshaven Hall. I just wanted to be able to arrive in style. But if you think I should stay here..."
"I'm a Hedonist," Jalon said. "As far as destressing and getting my act together goes, I'd take a nice dinner and pleasant company over therapy any day. If you want my advise, I think you should go. Have a few He Who Comes-free hours."
"All right," Dara said. "I will."
Aseena gave Jalon a look of exaggerated astonishment.
"She actually listens to you?" she said. "You have to teach me that!"
"It's nothing you can teach," Jalon said pompously. "She's an excellent judge of character, you see. She recognises my superior insight and intellect."
Aseena made a face and pinched his nose. Jalon laughed and tried to fend her off, and in the process of it she ended up half-lying on top of him.
Dara coughed.
"I'm going now," she said. She paused. "And not that it's any of your business, but I wasn't on any contraceptive potions before I was healed. I mean, what would the point be?"
Aseena gave her a half-apologetic smile.
"Also not that it's any of your business," Dara said gruffly. "I took one while I was out. Just in case."
She turned and swept out, closing the door behind her.
"Well, well," Jalon said. "I guess she's got big plans."
"What do you think?" Aseena said. "Complete disaster caused by two equally unsocial people trying to interact socially? Or a smashing success caused by their dysfunctions balancing each other out?"
"I, for one, have faith in our little girl," Jalon said grandly. "She fights mad cultists and overturns government conspiracies. I think she might also be able to make light conversation over dinner. It will only take a slightly more heroic effort from her than the other things."
Aseena made herself more comfortable, lying down next to Jalon, with her head against his chest. She closed her eyes and felt it rising and falling gently.
"I remember our first date," she said sleepily. "I remember we went to hear the Black Lake Strings perform, and after that we walked home through town and talked, first about the performance, then about music, then just about life. I remember skipping from one thing to the next, and whatever I talked about you had something to say about it, or at least you seemed interested."
"I mostly remember that your dress left very little to the imagination," Jalon said. "But I vaguely recall that all that other stuff was nice, too."
Aseena opened one eye to glare at him.
"All right, no," Jalon said. "I remember thinking that I had never met anyone who thought so much about so many different things. And that I wanted to stick around and keep listening for a great long while." He stroked her forehead. "That I never wanted this busy mind to go away." Then he drew his hand down her cheek, further down her throat and shoulders and chest, and gently cupped her left breast. He grinned shamelessly. "And that I wanted to see even more of these than your cleavage displayed."
Aseena snorted with laughter.
"Well, I did wear that dress to impress you," she said. "It would have been a shame if it had gone completely unnoticed."
They remained silent for a while. Aseena thought about going to sleep. She couldn't remember when she had slept last, and now, when everything was - just for the moment - exactly as it should be and there were no crises to deal with, it should be the perfect time. She could drift off, and left her body recover from its ordeals while pressed up against Jalon, reminding her of his presence in the most immediate way, by the feel of his real, solid shape against her.
But Jalon's hand was still where it was, and that gave her a pleasantly nagging reminder that there was something that she hadn't done in three months.
Making up her mind, she rolled over to her side and inched her way up so that their faces were at the same height. She began kissing him - light, caressing kisses, like she was trying to feel out once-familiar ground once more. Jalon kissed her back and put his hand behind her head, stroking her hair.
She took her time, enjoying the light brushes of lips against lips, enjoying the warm tingle that was slowly spreading through her body. Little by little, soft touches ceased to satisfy, so she put her arms around him and pulled him close. Their kisses grew longer and more intense. Aseena let out a low moan. After all this time, it was really him, and he was really here.
She pushed him over on his back and got on top of him, luxuriating in the sense of his hard, fit body beneath hers. She pulled her hands over him, wanting to caress every last inch of him she could reach. He stroked her hips, her chest, her face.
"You know something?" she mumbled, her lips inches away from his.
"What?" he whispered back.
"All my life..." she said. "You're the one thing I could never get enough of. Everything else, I want a taste, but then I grow tired of it. You, I just want more of the more I get."
He laughed and pulled her closer.
After a while, they had to part to take their clothes off. Aseena threw off her faded blacks in disgust - God, it would be so good to go back to actually changing clothes once a day, instead of as often as she could get her hands on a new outfit and a moment to change into it. Jalon took his time, folding his clothes on a chair. Aseena sat naked on the bed and watched the muscles work beneath his fine, smooth skin. There were no wounds or scars left - the healing had seen to those. But she still couldn't help remember how he had looked in that cell, hurt and degraded, battered by forces that cared nothing for who he was or for how loved he was, only for what they could wring out of his helpless flesh.
She got up and walked over to him, embracing him tightly from behind. Pressing her naked skin against his felt like the most natural and most wonderful thing in the world.
"I'm not letting anyone hurt you, ever again," she said.
He took the hand she was pressing against his chest and kissed it. He didn't answer, though. Perhaps he didn't want to state the obvious - that that was a promise she had no way of keeping.
He turned in her arms and put his arms around her, naked and beautiful and obviously aroused. They stumbled back to the bed, and she lay down with him on top of her. His breath was hot on her face, his fingers quick with eagerness as they played with her breasts. She arched her back, trying to press as close to him as possible.
"Now," she groaned.
That was all that was needed; she and Jalon had been together for long enough that he knew his cues. He lifted himself slightly, and she felt him feel his way down there - and then she felt him slide into her, stiff and swollen and eager.
They thrusted together, rocking back and forth on the bed. Jalon nustled her cheeks, and she heard him give off the throaty laugh that he always made during sex. His motions were perfect; he knew exactly, by now, how she liked him to do it. She wrapped her arms around his firm back and let herself be swept away.
It didn't take long - both of them had missed their regular lovelife, and once their bodies had been woken up, they were furiously, desperately eager. Aseena wrapped her legs around his hips, clinging to him with arms and legs like she never wanted to let go. All thoughts of prophesies and doom were gone from her mind - she just knew that she was a woman, and that her lover was with her in the most intimate of ways, and there was a primal satisfaction in that that went beyond human concerns.
She gave off a yell when she finished, a single wordless cry. It might have meant, "Jalon, I love you!" It might just as easily have meant, "take that, Mansuur!" She relaxed with a shuddering breath, continuing to thrust to help Jalon reach his own mounting climax.
Then she looked over his shoulder, bounding up and down with his exertions, and saw a face hovering there, twisted and brutish like a revenant's. She struggled to speak, but part of her mind couldn't believe this was happening. This was a dream, a waking nightmare - she had gone without sleep for so long that her fears were slipping into the waking time.
With a final, cheerful holler, Jalon finished. He collapsed on top of her, chuckling quietly.
"Jalon," Aseena said. "Jalon, it is... We have to..."
She had no idea what they had to. And the man in the room took a step closer, smirking down at them.
"I hope you both enjoyed that," Mansuur said. "It's time to go now. Destiny calls."