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Family Guy Quotes!
Im reading all of them, so im going to post random funny ones here.
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Meg Griffin: Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Girl: MOM.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Grillin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin: And, um, neither will that guy.
Meg: I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Tom Tucker: We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
[he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife
Peter: Chris!
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong!... the ugly one.
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin: I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Im bored now again.
Im reading all of them, so im going to post random funny ones here.
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Meg Griffin: Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Girl: MOM.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Grillin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin: And, um, neither will that guy.
Meg: I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Tom Tucker: We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
[he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife
Peter: Chris!
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong!... the ugly one.
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin: I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Im bored now again.