this is a fanfic that I wrote a while ago... FF7 on the Jerry Springer show!!
Final Fantasy 7 on the Jerry Springer show
by: Jacob (AKA: Bahamutslave)
disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, I’m not that talented, nor am I associated with Jerry Springer, I’m not that trashy, even though I wrote this, meaning I do own this fic and I would like to give thanks to all my fans who aren’t used to me writing content like this and to Cutemooglez ( Oh, how I model thee) for the inspiration to write about Lucky Charms... I’m going to go have a bowl right now...
Jerry: Welcome back to my show
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry:... okay, anyhow today on our show we have guests who want to reveal to their partners that they’re cheating on them. Welcome our first 2 guests, Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockeheart!! From this we can tell that they aren’t married. Welcome!
Cloud: Hello
Tifa: What the hell did you do?
Cloud: What?
Tifa: Come on! This is the ‘Jerry Springer’ show and that means you have some surprising dirty little secret to tell me. So spill it!
Jerry: Dammit! You just killed the point of saying this but I’m paid to say it, ‘Cloud, has something he wants to tell you’.
Cloud: Tifa, before I say this , I just want to say... I love you.
Tifa: Are you gay?
Cloud: No! I... have been cheating on you
Audience: Ooh!
Tifa: With who?
Cloud: with--
Jerry: how about we bring her on stage! Come on out!
( Yuffie comes out)
Yuffie: Hey, hey!
( the audience is mixed with boo’s and cheers)
Audience: BOO; YAY!!
guy in audience: YOU SUCK!!
*wizz*
guy in audience: x _ x
Yuffie: Who sucks? (holds another shuriken)
Audience:...yay!!
Jerry: Yuffie Kisaragi... have a seat (she sits down) How long have you guys--
Yuffie: Every Saturday since February!
Cloud: 4 times
Jerry: Tifa? You seem quite calm for what you have just learned
Tifa: Well... I have something to say, too!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: I’ve been cheating on you too
Cloud: Who?!
Tifa: Come on out zack!
(Zack comes out)
Zack: How you doin’?
Tifa: Fine!
Yuffie: Cloud? I have something to tell you that you should know
Jerry: Go on!
Yuffie: Shaddup!... I’ve been cheating on you too!
Cloud:??!!
(Cid comes out on the stage)
Cid: Wha?
Cloud: You and Cid!
Tifa: And see Cloud? Zack would never sleep around behind my back!
Zack: actually...
Tifa: oh god...
Zack: sorry
(Aeris comes on stage)
Aeris: We got back together!!
Cloud: Aeris?! I thought Sephiroth killed you when he stabbed you with that sword
Aeris: That wasn’t the only sword he stabbed me with *giggle*
(Sephiroth comes on stage)
Cloud: Sephiroth?!
Tifa: You’re alive too?!
Cloud: I thought I was the only one you could love!
Audience: OOH!
Tifa: So you ARE gay!
Sephiroth: I’m sorry but I guess I’m more turned on to innocent dying women in pink. Besides it was just one of those things only during the war
Aeris: You never told me about you and Cloud!
Sephiroth: I’m not particularly proud of him. Does this make you think any less of me?
Aeris: NO! Now I know we can have even more fun!! (holds Sephiroth while motioning for cloud to come over)
Tifa: sick
Yuffie: So, Cid, who are you sleeping with?
Cid: Duh! My soon to be wife Shera!
(Shera comes on stage)
Shera: Hey!
Jerry: How many people are backstage?
(a little girl’s out in the crowd screaming)
girl: Cloud! Cloud!! I’m the only one that loves you!
Cloud: Oh, god, it’s Priscilla
Priscilla: Dump those bimbos and take me!!!
Cloud: SICK!!
Priscilla: Mr. Dolphin doesn’t love me anymore! I need you!
Jerry: Shut up! Security! Take this girl out before we get charged for letting minors here!
Steve: okay! (Takes Priscilla out)
Jerry: So, Shera. How do you feel about Cid’s relationship with Yuffie?
Shera: As long as Cid keeps taking Viagra, then Yuffie’s welcome!
Cid: I was taking them for you!
Shera: I sometimes am already tired from Vincent!
(Vincent comes on stage)
Vincent: There are no more seats?
Cid: Vincent?!
Shera: Why not? He’s, like, so sexy in Chaos mode! I just love wild beast sex!
Aeris: That reminds me!
Yuffie: Me too!
(Red XIII comes on stage)
All girls: Hey Nanaki!
Red XIII: No offense, but Jerry, this place is a dump!
Jerry: I’m afraid to even ask, but why are you on the stage?
(everyone’s silent)
Jerry: Even scarier...
Cid: Come on! That dog couldn’t get lucky with a shitzu!
Shera: Not true!
Aeris: He’s so cute!
Tifa: His fur is real soft!
Yuffie: And he’s a whole lot of fun!
All girls: We love you!
Red XIII: I know
All girls: *sigh*
Cloud: So why are you here?
Tifa: God, Cloud!
Aeris: Take a hint!
Cloud: ???
Yuffie: he’s a blonde
Sephiroth: He’s gotten lucky more than marshmallows in Lucky Charms!
Red XIII: I like lucky charms
All Girls: Me too!
Jerry: Wow... I’m not sure if this all can be on television!
Tifa: It would be if you were on HBO!
Yuffie: They’re magically delicious!
Cid: Sickening
Yuffie: I’m talking about the real lucky charms! the one filled with sugar! lots and lots o’ sugar!
Vincent: I think I saw some backstage
Yuffie: REALLY?! (runs backstage)
Tifa: Well I think that’s the end of the line
Vincent: Nope. Have you forgotten about my true love Lucrecia?
Aeris: Eww! Isn’t she, like, an old bat now?
Vincent: NO!
( Lucrecia comes out onto the stage and sits on the floor)
Lucrecia: hello...
Sephiroth: Mother?!
Lucrecia: Oh! so now I’m your mother now that you want something!
(Yuffie runs back with the Lucky Charms)
Yuffie: *singing* Heart, stars,*munch* horseshoes, clovers and blue moons!*crunch* pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons!!* crunch
Tifa: ...psycho
Yuffie: Shaddup! Oh! here Cloud! (gives Cloud a rainbow marshmallow)
Cloud: *blush*
Aeris: That’s mean!
Yuffie: No, this is!! (throws the super ball at Aeris’ head)
Aeris: Oww!
Yuffie: Who wants to dance?!!
Everyone: ???
( Yuffie starts jumping up and down and running around)
Vincent: I should have known she couldn’t have sugar...
Red XIII: I want some!
Yuffie: (turns box upside down showing that it’s empty) Let’s go see if there are any more!
(they both leave)
Shera: That tramp! I know what they’re looking for
Cid: Wonder if there’s any Cocoa puffs?
Tifa: Anybody else backstage?!!
Jerry: H-hey!! I’m supposed to bring them out!
Tifa: Shut up!
Jerry: ...but this is my show! *whimper*
Tifa: Now THAT has to be everyone!
Lucrecia: Hey! Don’t forget about Reeve!!
Aeris: who?
Tifa: Cait sith
Aeris: That’s who he was?
( Reeve comes out riding on the moogle)
Reeve: Who wants Vodka?!!
Lucrecia: Ooh! your secret weapon!
female voice: I thought it was Pina coladas!
Cloud: Scarlet?! I thought we killed you and Heideggar!
Scarlet: Kya-ha-ha-ha! Nah! That thing was activated by a remote control, ejector seats are quite fun!
Reeve: I’m really sorry to say this to the both of you
Scarlet: Huh?
Lucrecia: What?
Reeve: My heavy arsenal is a Manhatten!
Scarlet: OOH, I love those!
Lucrecia: that’s really off topic. you must be wasted
Jerry: Everyone, shut up for a minute! I have a question...
Reeve: Me too! Scarlet? So... what happenedto heideggar?
Scarlet: We’re living together!
Tifa: Gross! How can you stand that fat pig?!
Heideggar: Hey! Food is love and therefore you cannot make love without food!
Vincent: That’s a lot of love
Scarlet: Hey!
Vincent: Shut up, you slut!
Heideggar: You’re one to talk! Look at Shera!
Cid: Hey! She’s soon to be my wife you fat f#@*ing bastard!!
(Everone starts yelling at each other, eventually getting the audience into the argument over nothing that concerns them)
Jerry: Stop! Stop!!
(Everyone thinks he’s casting stop)
Everyone: Stop!
(everyone, even the audience, cast stop on one another and the whole rooms quiet)
Yuffie: Hello everyone!...*blink,blink* (carries in boxes of lucky charms)
Red XIII: Everyone’s frozen...
Yuffie: More for us!!
Red XIII: Creepy *shakes*
Yuffie: Hey! We could give them all makeovers!!
Red XII: Why?
Yuffie: I got a cosmetic case!
Red XIII:... Let’s go
(takes a while before stop to quit working)
Jerry: Okay...that was weird, anyh--- AM I WEARING A BEANIE?!
(All the cast notices the change)
Aeris: Ahh! My butt is showing!
Tifa: I’m wearing Aeris’ outfit?
Aeris: I look like a SL-U-T!
Tifa: ...hey! Those are MY clothes!!
Cloud: Is there paint on my face?
Cid: yep... lots-o-rainbows
Cloud:...
Cid: and on Sephiroth too
Zack: (>o<)there are beads in my hair!
Shera: Where are my real glasses? I don’t like these star sunglasses!
Lucrecia: Someone must of had a lot of blue and pink eyeshadow
Sephiroth: You look like Jenova, my other mother!
Lucrecia: Oh shut up and hug a rainbow!
Sephiroth:...
Cloud: Could you all please stop it with the rainbow jokes!?
Lucrecia: I can’t believe my son’s gay
Cid: I want my damn cigarettes! ( takes a sucker out of his mouth)
Reeve: NOO! My Gin tonic has been switched to Pepsi!
Scarlet: Heideggar! You look ridiculous!
( his beard is in a French braid and his shirts stolen)
Cid: Holy F*@#ing S*@#!! Those are some F*@#ing huge man-boobs
Heideggar: *cries* ( runs out crying)
Scarlet: You made him cry! Prepare to die!! (grabs out a machine gun)
*ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta*
Scarlet: x _ x
Barret: Tha’s payback for me and Dyne’s arm!
(everyone looks at Barret)
Barret: Wha?!
Jerry: Let me ask you a question: How do you feel about kids?
Barret: I pity the foo’ who don’ like kids!
Cid: Well... you sure F*#@ing look like one!
Barret: (looks at self) Ahh S*#@! I look like a F*#@ing boyscout!!
Tifa: Ha ha!
Aeris: What happened to the sailor outfit?
Barret: I hexed it and burned it after he said tha I looked like a marshmallow!
Vincent: I seem to be ‘undamaged’
Shera: Check your face!
(his face has black eyeshadow all over it)
Vincent: What? This is Gothic! It’s cool! Thanks, whoever!
(everyone starts talking about the horrible makeovers)
Tifa: so... who the hell did this?!
Jerry: Being somewhat of an intellect--
audience: Haha!
Jerry: (>-<) I say we find who’s missing or doesn’t have an altered appearance
Aeris: Good idea!!... Tifa? Can we switch outfits?
Tifa: Please
Audience:YAY!!
Aeris: In some bathroom stalls!
Audience: Aww...
(they leave)
Cloud: ...! I know who it was!!
Everyone: ???
Cloud: It was the moogles!!
Sephiroth: Cloud... think... THEY’RE ALL DEAD!!!
Vincent: No they aren’t
Sephiroth: They aren’t?
Vincent: They’re just an endangered species.
Sephiroth: S*#@... my plans of Genocide failed!
Cloud: Ha-ha!
Sephiroth: Shut up!
Vincent: I know 2 people who aren’t here!
all: Who?
Vincent: Red XIII and Yuffie
( Aeris and Tifa came out screaming)
Tifa: Psycho bitch!
Cloud: What?
Aeris: Yuffie’s back there attacking us!!
Yuffie: You were trying to steal my Lucky Charms!!
Jerry: WE all have a question...did you mess with our faces and outfits?
Yuffie: umm...maybe?
Sephiroth: You did this to MY face!? (draws Masamune out)
Yuffie: Bitch!
Sephiroth:... Prick!!
Yuffie: *gasp*
*slash*
Tifa: Oh my god!
Jerry: Holy S*#@!!
Sephiroth: x _ x
Yuffie: *stab, stab, stab* die! Die! DIE!! *stab, stab, stab* DII--EE!!!
Red XIII: I smell blood
Yuffie: Eat him! EAT HIM!! *points wildly at Sephiroth’s body* STICK TO THE MORGUE BITCH!!! (throws shurikens at him)
Cid: Never fight Yuffie on a sugar high...
Red XIII: But Shurikens aren’t tasty!
Jerry: Please don’t kill anymore people, but it was you wasn’t it?
Yuffie: Hey! Give Nanaki some credit! he did the costume designs, I’m the make-up lady!
Jerry: Well it’s about time to draw this extremely long special to a close, but remember to love one another and goodnight.
Yuffie: Yeah? Well... LOVE THIS!!! (throws shurikens at the cameras )
*Static*