FANFIC!!!

Mar 14, 2005 07:21

this is a fanfic that I wrote a while ago... FF7 on the Jerry Springer show!!
Final Fantasy 7 on the Jerry Springer show
by: Jacob (AKA: Bahamutslave)
disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, I’m not that talented, nor am I associated with Jerry Springer, I’m not that trashy, even though I wrote this, meaning I do own this fic and I would like to give thanks to all my fans who aren’t used to me writing content like this and to Cutemooglez ( Oh, how I model thee) for the inspiration to write about Lucky Charms... I’m going to go have a bowl right now...

Jerry: Welcome back to my show

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry:... okay, anyhow today on our show we have guests who want to reveal to their partners that they’re cheating on them. Welcome our first 2 guests, Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockeheart!! From this we can tell that they aren’t married. Welcome!

Cloud: Hello

Tifa: What the hell did you do?

Cloud: What?

Tifa: Come on! This is the ‘Jerry Springer’ show and that means you have some surprising dirty little secret to tell me. So spill it!

Jerry: Dammit! You just killed the point of saying this but I’m paid to say it, ‘Cloud, has something he wants to tell you’.

Cloud: Tifa, before I say this , I just want to say... I love you.

Tifa: Are you gay?

Cloud: No! I... have been cheating on you

Audience: Ooh!

Tifa: With who?

Cloud: with--

Jerry: how about we bring her on stage! Come on out!

( Yuffie comes out)

Yuffie: Hey, hey!

( the audience is mixed with boo’s and cheers)

Audience: BOO; YAY!!

guy in audience: YOU SUCK!!

*wizz*

guy in audience: x _ x

Yuffie: Who sucks? (holds another shuriken)

Audience:...yay!!

Jerry: Yuffie Kisaragi... have a seat (she sits down) How long have you guys--

Yuffie: Every Saturday since February!

Cloud: 4 times

Jerry: Tifa? You seem quite calm for what you have just learned

Tifa: Well... I have something to say, too!

Cloud: What?

Tifa: I’ve been cheating on you too

Cloud: Who?!

Tifa: Come on out zack!

(Zack comes out)

Zack: How you doin’?

Tifa: Fine!

Yuffie: Cloud? I have something to tell you that you should know

Jerry: Go on!

Yuffie: Shaddup!... I’ve been cheating on you too!

Cloud:??!!

(Cid comes out on the stage)

Cid: Wha?

Cloud: You and Cid!

Tifa: And see Cloud? Zack would never sleep around behind my back!

Zack: actually...

Tifa: oh god...

Zack: sorry

(Aeris comes on stage)

Aeris: We got back together!!

Cloud: Aeris?! I thought Sephiroth killed you when he stabbed you with that sword

Aeris: That wasn’t the only sword he stabbed me with *giggle*

(Sephiroth comes on stage)

Cloud: Sephiroth?!

Tifa: You’re alive too?!

Cloud: I thought I was the only one you could love!

Audience: OOH!

Tifa: So you ARE gay!

Sephiroth: I’m sorry but I guess I’m more turned on to innocent dying women in pink. Besides it was just one of those things only during the war

Aeris: You never told me about you and Cloud!

Sephiroth: I’m not particularly proud of him. Does this make you think any less of me?

Aeris: NO! Now I know we can have even more fun!! (holds Sephiroth while motioning for cloud to come over)

Tifa: sick

Yuffie: So, Cid, who are you sleeping with?

Cid: Duh! My soon to be wife Shera!

(Shera comes on stage)

Shera: Hey!

Jerry: How many people are backstage?

(a little girl’s out in the crowd screaming)

girl: Cloud! Cloud!! I’m the only one that loves you!

Cloud: Oh, god, it’s Priscilla

Priscilla: Dump those bimbos and take me!!!

Cloud: SICK!!

Priscilla: Mr. Dolphin doesn’t love me anymore! I need you!

Jerry: Shut up! Security! Take this girl out before we get charged for letting minors here!

Steve: okay! (Takes Priscilla out)

Jerry: So, Shera. How do you feel about Cid’s relationship with Yuffie?

Shera: As long as Cid keeps taking Viagra, then Yuffie’s welcome!

Cid: I was taking them for you!

Shera: I sometimes am already tired from Vincent!

(Vincent comes on stage)

Vincent: There are no more seats?

Cid: Vincent?!

Shera: Why not? He’s, like, so sexy in Chaos mode! I just love wild beast sex!

Aeris: That reminds me!

Yuffie: Me too!

(Red XIII comes on stage)

All girls: Hey Nanaki!

Red XIII: No offense, but Jerry, this place is a dump!

Jerry: I’m afraid to even ask, but why are you on the stage?

(everyone’s silent)

Jerry: Even scarier...

Cid: Come on! That dog couldn’t get lucky with a shitzu!

Shera: Not true!

Aeris: He’s so cute!

Tifa: His fur is real soft!

Yuffie: And he’s a whole lot of fun!

All girls: We love you!

Red XIII: I know

All girls: *sigh*

Cloud: So why are you here?

Tifa: God, Cloud!

Aeris: Take a hint!

Cloud: ???

Yuffie: he’s a blonde

Sephiroth: He’s gotten lucky more than marshmallows in Lucky Charms!

Red XIII: I like lucky charms

All Girls: Me too!

Jerry: Wow... I’m not sure if this all can be on television!

Tifa: It would be if you were on HBO!

Yuffie: They’re magically delicious!

Cid: Sickening

Yuffie: I’m talking about the real lucky charms! the one filled with sugar! lots and lots o’ sugar!

Vincent: I think I saw some backstage

Yuffie: REALLY?! (runs backstage)

Tifa: Well I think that’s the end of the line

Vincent: Nope. Have you forgotten about my true love Lucrecia?

Aeris: Eww! Isn’t she, like, an old bat now?

Vincent: NO!

( Lucrecia comes out onto the stage and sits on the floor)

Lucrecia: hello...

Sephiroth: Mother?!

Lucrecia: Oh! so now I’m your mother now that you want something!

(Yuffie runs back with the Lucky Charms)

Yuffie: *singing* Heart, stars,*munch* horseshoes, clovers and blue moons!*crunch* pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons!!* crunch

Tifa: ...psycho

Yuffie: Shaddup! Oh! here Cloud! (gives Cloud a rainbow marshmallow)

Cloud: *blush*

Aeris: That’s mean!

Yuffie: No, this is!! (throws the super ball at Aeris’ head)

Aeris: Oww!

Yuffie: Who wants to dance?!!

Everyone: ???

( Yuffie starts jumping up and down and running around)

Vincent: I should have known she couldn’t have sugar...

Red XIII: I want some!

Yuffie: (turns box upside down showing that it’s empty) Let’s go see if there are any more!

(they both leave)

Shera: That tramp! I know what they’re looking for

Cid: Wonder if there’s any Cocoa puffs?

Tifa: Anybody else backstage?!!

Jerry: H-hey!! I’m supposed to bring them out!

Tifa: Shut up!

Jerry: ...but this is my show! *whimper*

Tifa: Now THAT has to be everyone!

Lucrecia: Hey! Don’t forget about Reeve!!

Aeris: who?

Tifa: Cait sith

Aeris: That’s who he was?

( Reeve comes out riding on the moogle)

Reeve: Who wants Vodka?!!

Lucrecia: Ooh! your secret weapon!

female voice: I thought it was Pina coladas!

Cloud: Scarlet?! I thought we killed you and Heideggar!

Scarlet: Kya-ha-ha-ha! Nah! That thing was activated by a remote control, ejector seats are quite fun!

Reeve: I’m really sorry to say this to the both of you

Scarlet: Huh?

Lucrecia: What?

Reeve: My heavy arsenal is a Manhatten!

Scarlet: OOH, I love those!

Lucrecia: that’s really off topic. you must be wasted

Jerry: Everyone, shut up for a minute! I have a question...

Reeve: Me too! Scarlet? So... what happenedto heideggar?

Scarlet: We’re living together!

Tifa: Gross! How can you stand that fat pig?!

Heideggar: Hey! Food is love and therefore you cannot make love without food!

Vincent: That’s a lot of love

Scarlet: Hey!

Vincent: Shut up, you slut!

Heideggar: You’re one to talk! Look at Shera!

Cid: Hey! She’s soon to be my wife you fat f#@*ing bastard!!

(Everone starts yelling at each other, eventually getting the audience into the argument over nothing that concerns them)

Jerry: Stop! Stop!!

(Everyone thinks he’s casting stop)

Everyone: Stop!

(everyone, even the audience, cast stop on one another and the whole rooms quiet)

Yuffie: Hello everyone!...*blink,blink* (carries in boxes of lucky charms)

Red XIII: Everyone’s frozen...

Yuffie: More for us!!

Red XIII: Creepy *shakes*

Yuffie: Hey! We could give them all makeovers!!

Red XII: Why?

Yuffie: I got a cosmetic case!

Red XIII:... Let’s go

(takes a while before stop to quit working)

Jerry: Okay...that was weird, anyh--- AM I WEARING A BEANIE?!

(All the cast notices the change)

Aeris: Ahh! My butt is showing!

Tifa: I’m wearing Aeris’ outfit?

Aeris: I look like a SL-U-T!

Tifa: ...hey! Those are MY clothes!!

Cloud: Is there paint on my face?

Cid: yep... lots-o-rainbows

Cloud:...

Cid: and on Sephiroth too

Zack: (>o<)there are beads in my hair!

Shera: Where are my real glasses? I don’t like these star sunglasses!

Lucrecia: Someone must of had a lot of blue and pink eyeshadow

Sephiroth: You look like Jenova, my other mother!

Lucrecia: Oh shut up and hug a rainbow!

Sephiroth:...

Cloud: Could you all please stop it with the rainbow jokes!?

Lucrecia: I can’t believe my son’s gay

Cid: I want my damn cigarettes! ( takes a sucker out of his mouth)

Reeve: NOO! My Gin tonic has been switched to Pepsi!

Scarlet: Heideggar! You look ridiculous!

( his beard is in a French braid and his shirts stolen)

Cid: Holy F*@#ing S*@#!! Those are some F*@#ing huge man-boobs

Heideggar: *cries* ( runs out crying)

Scarlet: You made him cry! Prepare to die!! (grabs out a machine gun)

*ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta*

Scarlet: x _ x

Barret: Tha’s payback for me and Dyne’s arm!

(everyone looks at Barret)

Barret: Wha?!

Jerry: Let me ask you a question: How do you feel about kids?

Barret: I pity the foo’ who don’ like kids!

Cid: Well... you sure F*#@ing look like one!

Barret: (looks at self) Ahh S*#@! I look like a F*#@ing boyscout!!

Tifa: Ha ha!

Aeris: What happened to the sailor outfit?

Barret: I hexed it and burned it after he said tha I looked like a marshmallow!

Vincent: I seem to be ‘undamaged’

Shera: Check your face!

(his face has black eyeshadow all over it)

Vincent: What? This is Gothic! It’s cool! Thanks, whoever!

(everyone starts talking about the horrible makeovers)

Tifa: so... who the hell did this?!

Jerry: Being somewhat of an intellect--

audience: Haha!

Jerry: (>-<) I say we find who’s missing or doesn’t have an altered appearance

Aeris: Good idea!!... Tifa? Can we switch outfits?

Tifa: Please

Audience:YAY!!

Aeris: In some bathroom stalls!

Audience: Aww...

(they leave)

Cloud: ...! I know who it was!!

Everyone: ???

Cloud: It was the moogles!!

Sephiroth: Cloud... think... THEY’RE ALL DEAD!!!

Vincent: No they aren’t

Sephiroth: They aren’t?

Vincent: They’re just an endangered species.

Sephiroth: S*#@... my plans of Genocide failed!

Cloud: Ha-ha!

Sephiroth: Shut up!

Vincent: I know 2 people who aren’t here!

all: Who?

Vincent: Red XIII and Yuffie

( Aeris and Tifa came out screaming)

Tifa: Psycho bitch!

Cloud: What?

Aeris: Yuffie’s back there attacking us!!

Yuffie: You were trying to steal my Lucky Charms!!

Jerry: WE all have a question...did you mess with our faces and outfits?

Yuffie: umm...maybe?

Sephiroth: You did this to MY face!? (draws Masamune out)

Yuffie: Bitch!

Sephiroth:... Prick!!

Yuffie: *gasp*

*slash*

Tifa: Oh my god!

Jerry: Holy S*#@!!

Sephiroth: x _ x

Yuffie: *stab, stab, stab* die! Die! DIE!! *stab, stab, stab* DII--EE!!!

Red XIII: I smell blood

Yuffie: Eat him! EAT HIM!! *points wildly at Sephiroth’s body* STICK TO THE MORGUE BITCH!!! (throws shurikens at him)

Cid: Never fight Yuffie on a sugar high...

Red XIII: But Shurikens aren’t tasty!

Jerry: Please don’t kill anymore people, but it was you wasn’t it?

Yuffie: Hey! Give Nanaki some credit! he did the costume designs, I’m the make-up lady!

Jerry: Well it’s about time to draw this extremely long special to a close, but remember to love one another and goodnight.

Yuffie: Yeah? Well... LOVE THIS!!! (throws shurikens at the cameras )
*Static*
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